Unclear if DSA Declaration of “Irony” as Highest Stage of Capitalism Itself Ironic

DSA

NEW YORK/CHICAGO – The DSA have stirred up great controversy in US left circles, still reeling from the discussions of “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism” as the “third and higher stage” of communist ideology several decades too late, with their latest declaration that capitalism itself has reached a qualitatively new stage of irony.

“If you consider Marxism primarily from the perspective of alienation, it’s actually quite obvious,” explained Michael Foreman, a Bronx native and DSA member, to our local corespondent. “Capitalism has advanced so far in terms of alienating us all that even our own internal mental processes have a clear dual audience. Commodification is so total that we can only articulate resistance to the profit motive in terms of ironic humour, even to ourselves.

“O shit waddup,” he concluded.

In the past few months, large numbers of young Marxists have joined local branches of the DSA, an organisation dedicated primarily to making the Democratic Party add “vigorous defence of the legacy of Comrade Stalin” to their Party Platform. Consequently, theoretical discussion at various branches of the DSA have become more rigorous than ever before, with the legacies of such US radical martyrs as Malcolm X, Michael Israel, and Bernie Sanders being mainstays of discussions at meetings. We spoke to Alfonso Casal, professional Malört sommelier and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist, about developments within the DSA in terms of theory and practice.

“Basically, it’s not untrue that our innermost psychological health is being harmed by capitalism, and that capitalism’s tendency to commodify all things has brought us to this point. The disagreement we have with the DSA is mostly over whether this process, which has been quantitatively increasing since capitalism-imperialism became globally hegemonic, has actually reached some new qualitative stage.

“There was far more merit to the discussion, very popular since the 2008 Crisis, of neoliberalism, with its basis in profit-exploitation, as a qualitatively higher stage of capitalism-imperialism. In this vein, it is our view that the DSA themselves represent a new stage of revisionism. We had the classic revisionists like Bernstein or Kautsky, and then we had the ‘modern revisionists’ of the 20th century that our ‘anti-revisionist’ Marxism-Leninism defines itself in opposition to. However, these have descended so far into revisionism that they are no longer central to our discussions as revolutionaries. In the place of CPUSA or the CPB, we are now primarily concerned with the revisionism of the DSA and Momentum.”

Asked how he perceived a coming struggle with the DSA, Casal responded: “It’s very difficult to say. Just as defectors from the CPUSA played an important role in the struggle with modern revisionism decades ago, I predict contradictions within the DSA will lead to new formations, some of whom will have ideas close to our own.

“Pretty IRONIC, don’t you think?” winked Casal, who, before an explanation could be sought, pulled out an air horn and blew it into the air multiple times. “Capitalism, more like CRAPitalism, AMIRITE?”

The ISO, despite being mentioned much further down the page than they would ever read on a website as “Stalinist” as this one, also had their own analysis of the DSA’s growth and development. We sat down with one of their representatives at Fanxi’s Famous Foods in Manhattan:

“The DSA are reformists, which presents a clear risk of Stalinist growth within their ranks. On the other hand, they call themselves democratic socialists, and we Trotskyists are the real democratic socialists, since we have always militantly defended democracy for the working class, so perhaps we’ll be able to recruit some of them or take them over from within.

“It’s difficult to say, because we always had trouble telling which of their public declarations were ironic, and their latest declaration hardly does anything to clear up that confusion.”

At time of press, the ROL.

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Trots Secretly Reading Worker’s Spatula

Secret

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following over a year of publicly referring to Worker’s Spatula as “the worst”, “diet Assadism”, “tankie nonsense”, and “Stalinist idiocy”, several “in the know” sources have confirmed that the Trotskyists secretly can’t stop reading Worker’s Spatula.

“The other night I woke up and realised I was in bed alone,” one source told us, in lurid detail: “I went into the living room and saw my partner was awake and staring intently at his laptop screen. He slammed it shut when he saw me, so of course I assumed it was pornography.

“While he was in the bathroom, I entered his password, which I guessed was the same as his e-mail password: P3rm4n3nt. He hadn’t even had time to close the incognito window, which was full of Worker’s Spatula tabs. I had to close the lid before he came out, so I couldn’t tell you what the pieces were, but at least one of them was about Žižek.”

Local Austin Socialist Alternative cadre have likewise been spotted checking the Worker’s Spatula reading list since the start of 2017. Mere hours after the latest reading list assignment was posted, suddenly all the younger cadre were reportedly discussing the importance of Hegel’s stance on the French Revolution, having previously been unconcerned with Hegel or the French Revolution.

One ISO affiliate met with us on condition of anonymity. We can reveal that she had with her a Barnes & Noble bag which contained the Foundations of Leninism.

“You’re not the sort of Stalinists I expect, I’ll give you that. Sometimes you make fairly good points and force me to rethink some of my positions, instead of just appealing to a caricatured anti-imperialism combined with an overly defensive posture about so-called ‘socialist states’. I am a little concerned that you keep joking about murdering Trots, but that is just a joke, right?”

Our ISO source ascribed the lack of reports of SEP and Solidarity affiliated Trotskyists reading the Spatula to Solidarity having “no sense of humour about themselves” and the SEP having “no sense of humour at all”.

A similar investigation was planned to determine the extent to which the “China is still socialist” crowd read the Spatula, but it was called off upon being unable to find any representatives who could confirm reading anything longer than 140 characters.

Max Blumenthal a Sellout for Writing for Alternet

blumenthal

NEW YORK – Representatives of the ISO, Solidarity, and other very important and politically serious Trotskyist trends in the US came together today to collectively condemn right-wing careerist and imperialist warmonger Max Blumenthal in Union Square.

“Max Blumenthal is in the service of dictators!” began Elaine Johanson of the ISO. “He’s lining his pockets with Syrian regime money while the people of Syria suffer! We call for the democratically elected government of Iraq to be extended to Damascus, and for Max Blumenthal to be publicly hanged for war crimes! Vote Clinton.”

Next up to speak was Paul Winthrop, of Solidarity: “Oppressed people all over the world will hear the deafening silence of the Stalinists today! Oh sure, they’re out there for Black people when they die, and for Palestinians when Israel is bombing them, but Black people and Palestinians can see through the lies, because they can see the Stalinists refuse to condemn the real threat to the wretched of the earth: Max Blumenthal.

“We go further than all the others: We call for regime change EVERYWHERE, whether in Pyongyang, Damascus, or Max Blumenthal’s office!”

While other speakers continued ranting and raving about the fascist menace presented by Blumenthal, John Green of the SWP (which is like the AWL in the UK, not SWP in the UK), agreed to speak with our New York correspondent:

“The utter hypocrisy of Blumenthal’s piece in Alternet… What a fascist sellout move… So first of all, to accuse the US of wanting regime change in Syria, it ignores the question of how much Russia wants regime change in Syria. Bet he didn’t think of that, did he? Well he did, but then he stuffed his face with a big money salad. Like a big… Russian salad. Made out of money. And lies.

“Secondly, he’s Jewish. Blumenthal is a Jew. And any self-respecting Jew should know better than to stand against the democratic and progressive forces in Syria. You know which ones I mean. And WHY does he stand against them? Because they get arms from the US? My grandfather fought against the Nazis, with weapons supplied by Stalin, another Nazi imperialist leader, maybe worse than the US. Was he wrong too? Would Blumenthal write a piece condemning my grandfather?

“Max Blumenthal denies the Holocaust.”

Updates on Blumenthal’s continued assaults on ethically and intellectually serious discourse will be provided as they happen.

Turkish Left Making Enormous Mistakes, Opines US Trotskyist

trotsky

BOSTON – Local Trotskyist and PhD student Chris Milano managed to corner his classmate and Alınteri enthusiast Deniz Yıldırım at a get-together at a local Boston bar this evening to inform him of the great theoretical and practical deficiencies of the Turkish left, as viewed from the vantage point of Milano’s experience as an organiser for the ISO.

No, that was the joke.

Leftist New York Jews Condemn US SWP

JewsSayNo

NEW YORK CITY – In response to one Seth Galinsky’s piece in The Militant condemning the BDS movement as indicative of “Jew Hatred” and an attack on “free speech”, assorted red diaper babies in New York City have condemned of the SWP as “Zionists” and “shmendriks”.

“Is this meant to be a joke?” asked Joan Weiss, a member of Jews Say No, an organisation which regularly organises protests to condemn Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people. “I was a Trot back in the day, and we never had a problem with making ‘a pariah of Israel’.”

“They’re Shachtmanites,” retorted her friend and salsa dancing enthusiast Andy Bernstein, who lives with his much younger partner Pablo on the Upper West Side and writes for Socialist Worker. “Shachtmanites wreck everything. They wrecked US Trotskyism and now they want to wreck our solidarity with the Palestinian people! Wreckers!”

“The Militant, they call themselves,” laughed mockingly one Sam Schmidt, RCPUSA activist and Chinese culture expert. “These Trots wouldn’t know militancy if it walked up and introduced itself, selling a copy of Revolution. By the way, check out our latest edition of Revolution!”

Spartacist League activist Ruth Gold refused to condemn the SWP’s stance on Israel and BDS, but insisted we print her correction about our characterisation of the SWP as “Trotskyists”: “I wish you Stalinists would stop calling the SWP Trotskyists. I mean, we don’t consider the UK SWP Trotskyists either, because we are the only real Trotskyists, but the US SWP explicitly rejected Permanent Revolution, making them Stalinists.”

The PFLP has not issued a response to the SWP’s criticisms, much to the surprise of SWP activists. One of their number, Abe Singer, responded: “They like Che Guevara, we like Che Guevara, I’m sure if they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner from Peking Kitchen at my place they would see that there are Jews whose views are just like theirs.”

“Except, you know, we’re more concerned with condemning Hamas than Israel. Except that one part.”

ISIS Unites with ISO in Struggle against Fascism

iissis

RAQQAH, SYRIA – In what could well be the tipping of the scales in the revolutionary struggle against Assad’s offensively non-Sunni regime, the most repressive in the Arab world according to all non-tankies, self-styled “Caliph of the Islamic State”, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed the existence of long-running negotiations with the ISO, and that these negotiations have resulted in a decision to unite into a single organisation.

“The Islamic State is no more! We are now the International Islamic Socialist State of Iraq and Syria: the IISSIS!” announced Joseph al-Combined and Uneven, the former ISO’s delegate to Raqqah and now “Emir of Lebanon”, sporting an impressive beard which apparently dates back to his ISO organising days in Brooklyn, when he lived in the hipster part of Williamsburg but attempted to organise in the Hispanic part of Williamsburg.

“This is the natural conclusion of our heroic, on-the-ground role in the Syrian Revolution®, which erupted in March 2011 after Bashar ‘Stalin’ al-Assad personally gunned down a million Syrians and their mothers twice for no reason. Stalinism, as exemplified by Bashar al-Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria, and is known by all the Syrians I’ve spoken to here in Raqqah to be the primary contradiction, not only in Syria, but in the world! Therefore, it is only right that we join a united front with all progressive forces in Syria, except those nationalist Kurds, and through this united front we have convinced the Syrian people to accept our correct line. Suck on that, Worker’s World!”

The “Syrian Revolution” has been denounced by the usual gang of National Bolsheviks who throughout history have supported dead-end petty bourgeois leaders like Ho Chi Minh and Thomas Sankara, and today ignore the real and really revolutionary revolutions in Ukraine and Syria. However, these elements only make up the majority in stupid poor countries. They are outnumbered in countries where, thanks to the full and proper development of the proletariat, the contradictions are at their sharpest, such as Britain or France. These bloodthirsty Assad-worshippers have made up stories of sectarian attacks on Alawites, despite all available evidence pointing to only the most powerful, well-funded and numerically significant elements of the Arab opposition holding explicitly anti-Alawite views.

“Our statisticians on the ground in Beirut report that fewer than 100% of active militias fighting Assad demand a Sunni theocracy built on the mass murder of all Alawites is a desirable goal,” reported Haydar Abdurrahim, an analyst working in London for a Qatari-funded Human Rights organisation. “So really, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Rebecca al-Fa’s, an IISSIS comrade from Boston, agreed: “Every day the reality of the Syrian Revolution becomes more clear to the entire world, except for tankies, that is to say, those to whom the reality is not clear.”

“The Islamic State’s conversion to revolutionary socialism is living proof that petty bourgeois white Anglo university students in imperialist countries armed with our encyclopedic knowledge of our own overpriced pamphlets, and knowledge of exactly one regional language if you count English, can win over even the most stubborn reactionaries. When we spoke to grassroots ISIS activists over Skype about the unity declaration, it became clear that the move towards radical progressive politics was driven from below as a direct result of ISO activists winning over rank-and-file jihadists to the shining path of socialism, eventually compelling the petty bourgeois leadership to submit to the masses.”

“Furthermore, notice that despite all their support, the Spartacist League could never totally convince ISIS. That’s because they support North Korea. Hatred of North Korea is the key to the masses. Remember this and do not forget.”

“Naturally we still believe it is our duty to cleanse all Muslim lands of filthy infidels, whose blood and women are halal for us,” said activist aid worker “Muawiyah Al Tunisi”. “One day, after I had performed my daily quota of beheadings, I was approached by a young man from America who asked if I’d like to buy a magazine. He told me I was being exploited by my bosses who generated surplus value from all my beheadings, so we created workers councils to distribute the head-chopping work evenly,” said the young activist who was oppressed for decades by Assad’s diabolical regime, despite being a Tunisian national who arrived in Syria for the first time in 2012.

“Whenever ISIS activists would talk about wanting to slaughter the Alawites, Christians, and Druze, this is because they represent the oppressed Sunni masses who suffered for decades under a sectarian Alawite regime that forced them to believe that Syrians from all sects are equal,” explained Rebecca al-Fa’s.

“Oh the daily oppression!” lamented “Abu Omar al-Uthman”, a Syrian activist who returned in 2012 after living in exile for two decades, “my family owned half the land in Hama before the Baathist kuffar took over,” he said, wiping away his tears with wads of Saudi banknotes that kept falling out of his pockets, “they took most of it away in the name of this ‘land reform’ nonsense…”

“We explained to him that what he suffered under wasn’t real socialism but state capitalism – his eyes lit up and he signed our membership form straight away. Endless appeals to a fantasy socialism as the solution to all worldly problems has a shocking appeal among religious fanatics. Plus, as ISIS argues against Islamism in one country, similarly, we oppose socialism in one country. We both advocate chaos in the name of radical change, regardless of the objective consequences, so long as the result benefits US foreign policy. These common theoretical views laid the foundation for our now-realised unity in practice!”

Asked about plans for the future, Rebecca al-Fa’s was optimistic: “Given how incredibly progressive, moderate, and secular the FSA is, we’re sure they’re going to unite with us next! Revolution forever!”

Pope Declares US Left “Opportunists”

CubanJesus

PHILADELPHIA – Pope Francis, better known by his real name, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, continues to excite the toiling masses across the globe, including his compatriot Lionel Messi. Opinion polls have suggested that a new international led by the two Argentines would be embraced by the majority of the workers of the world. At present, Pope Francis is visiting the US to meet with the faithful, Roman Catholics and NAMBLA members alike. The first demonstration of his enormous influence and power came when John Boehner resigned as the Republican speaker for Congress as a result of the pope’s mere presence in Congress, his resignation letter accusing congress of having been transformed into a tool for “papists”.

Pope Francis, leader of one of the world’s most notoriously conservative and reactionary institutions, has spent much of his papacy attempting to maintain the relevance of the church in the increasingly left-leaning political status quo of Latin America today. A few critical statements about inequality and the obvious problems of capitalism, however, have caused him to be viewed as a modern day Che Guevara by the majority of US pundits. Indeed, even much of the US “left” is unable to cope with the ferocity of Pope Francis’s mild statements: A joint statement of Bernie Sanders, Cornel West, the CPUSA and the Working Families Party denounced the pope’s “ultra-leftism” and “adventurism”. The pope has responded to these accusations in an interview with Max Ajl published at Jacobin. He referred to the US left as “petty bourgeois hacks”, “opportunists”, “bleeding-heart liberals” and “objective agents of US imperialism.”

Additionally, Bernie Sanders went on record individually to state: “Given that he is the pope, of course I respect him. I respect all unelected heads of state, from China to Saudi Arabia. It is the elected communist dictators like Chavez that are the real evil today. But popes used to stand against such people, like during the Cold War. That’s the sort of Catholic Church the American people miss.”

Unsurprisingly, the dispute has provoked numerous responses from the US and abroad: Jeremy Corbyn, who was attending an anti-pig-fucking rally organised together with various animal rights groups and Muslim civil society organisations in the UK, gave a short speech in which he said: “People compare me to Sanders, you know. They’re all idiots. Obviously, I am not a big fan of the papacy, but I recognise when I am able to cooperate on certain issues. And if I were to come into conflict with him, I would hope it’s because the bloody pope was the opportunist, not me.”

The ISO published an editorial in Socialist Worker which concluded thus: “We really appreciate many things the pope has said. He is clearly more progressive on many issues than the majority of the US left. However, the fact that the Vatican is clearly a Stalinist state if ever there was one prevents us from any alliance with this bonapartist dictator.”

“Also, he speaks Spanish. That’s the language of Mercader.”

Bob Avakian reportedly enquired into a possible public debate with the pope on the topic of “People’s War and Revolution”, but a papal representative replied with a polite explanatory note stating that “the pope is not impressed with the New Synthesis”.

Alexis Tsipras, recently re-elected as Prime Minister of what remains of Greece, held a spontaneous speech at his local taverna in which he claimed: “If we were not an Orthodox country, I would immediately integrate our territory into the Vatican. Or at least appoint Pope Francis as my finance minister. Look at that, he just goes to the US congress and people there listen to him. Not like that bald traitor I appointed first, even I didn’t listen to him.”

IST: “Houthis Could Learn a Thing or Two From the FSA”

hadi

SANA’A – While the civil war rages on in Syria, another civil war wages in a much poorer Arab country: Yemen. In keeping with their current strategy of support for NATO/GCC foreign policy except in such cases where elected social democrats are put off, the IST has pledged allegiance to the Hadi-led government.

“Look, if the Houthis didn’t want to get bombed, they shouldn’t have opposed the revolutionary force of Saudi Arabia, who today are bringing democratic revolution to Syria”, read a statement from the ISO in the US.

Their UK sister party, the SWP, agreed: “Yemeni civilians are all tankie bastards for getting support from fascist countries like Eritrea, North Korea… I mean, do I have to spell it out for you? These are poor, non-white, non-English-speaking countries! Inherently counter-revolutionary!”

Our correspondent in Sydney confronted a pro-Hadi march and received this response from a member of “Solidarity”: “Saudi Arabia should kill all the Houthis, they make me sick. I mean, they should learn about real revolution from the FSA: Shoot people dead for being the wrong sect, allow the GCC to directly choose your leadership. That’s how you convince English-speaking revolutionaries like us you’re bringing democracy. But talk to Iran and Russia about anything? That’s fascism, not democracy.”

The Irish SWP praised the “democratic” Hadi-led government for its “revolutionary stance against Assad, the biggest bastard in the whole Arab world”, but added that if Putin started supporting Hadi, they might consider shifting support to the Houthis: “But only if the US says it’s okay.”

Additionally, Turkish IST affiliate DSİP reportedly released their own statement through the magazine Altüst. If only anybody outside of DSİP actually read Altüst, we might know what they said.

The IST’s proclamations did not go unremarked upon by rival Trotskyist groups: “The hypocrisy and lack of any values underlying the strategy of the IST with regard to Yemen is further evidence that they are fake Trotskyists,” read a response statement by the ICL(FI). “That’s why we support Ansar al-Sharia.”

A Yemeni refugee in Athens was willing to speak to our correspondent about foreign leftist views on Yemen: “I’ve never heard of any of these groups. Even if they shared my personal politics, can they actually help me in any way? Do they matter?”

David Harvey Detained at Istanbul airport

davidharveyISTANBUL – We have received shocking news that renowned Marxist professor and world famous stunt man in each and every Karl Marx action movie David Harvey has been detained at Istanbul’s Sabiha Gökçen Airport. Our local correspondent received a statement by the Turkish authorities accusing him of being the leader of not one but a whole range of illegal leftist groups. This follows news earlier this year that the Turkish authorities determined that Rosa Luxemburg and Clara Zetkin were members of the outlawed PKK after the Kurdish women’s movement printed their pictures on some of their banners for International Working Women’s Day.

Regarding the Harvey case a representative of the office of President Erdoğan stated: “You know, we had long wondered who that formidably bearded old man was that so many leftists seem to cherish. He was all over their books, their magazines, their banners. MİT worked night and day without success, but thanks to one outstanding officer at Sabiha Gökçen Airport, we were finally able to identify and detain him. This is a very important step for our country and its security.”

HPG leader Murat Karayılan issued a statement in support of Harvey from Kandil: “As you know, we are now currently under intense aerial bombardment by the Turkish state. Thankfully, the Turkish state’s intelligence is so weak that although I’m the target, I personally am not in any real danger. Actually we found some leaflets dropped by the Turkish state while they were bombing civilians stating that if they can’t kill our leadership by their bombing campaign, they’re hoping we’ll get bored to death. I mostly spend my free time reading some of Harvey’s books. Great theory, I like his exposition of the circuits of capital. The Turkish state has him, eh? Is he going to meet Apo? Lucky bastard.”

After Karayılan was informed that Harvey was detained on account of Turkish officials having confused him with Karl Marx, he responded with only mild surprise: “Oh, they confused him with Karl Marx? See, that’s the kind of idiots we’re dealing with here. At least before the AKP the Turkish state were clever fascists, look at what they’ve been reduced to.”

Harvey has received messages of solidarity from Marxists around the world. In one curious case, the ISO retracted their initial solidarity for Harvey after discovering his staunch support for the PYD in Rojava. “We call on the Stalinist tankie crypto-fascist Harvey to shut up about the stupid Kurds and talk about the real revolution in Syria: The FSA, and whatever it’s up to lately.”

MLPD leader Stefan Engel was at the airport around the same time Harvey was detained, on his way back to Germany from his Istanbul holiday, which has been extensively covered by embedded journalists of the party newspaper of Dutch ICOR affiliate Rode Morgen. Engel immediately posted this website to his personal website, along with some extremely flattering photos of the MLPD leader skinny-dipping on a Turkish beach: “This is just further proof of the absolute truth and validity of the political line of the MLPD. We are always where true revolutionaries have to be. We are in full support of Harvey’s support of Rojava. I haven’t read any of his books, but I suppose there is nothing for someone like me to learn from them. You have read my books, right?”

UPDATE: We have received information that Turkish officials have accepted the fact that David Harvey is not Karl Marx. However, a spokesperson for the Turkish Police announced that they were still not convinced of Harvey’s innocence. “Yeah, ok, so he may not be that guy with the white beard, what was his name again? Markus Merk? Oh that’s the commentator on Lig TV? Whatever, a German’s a German. And even if that’s not him, that’s no proof of his innocence. He has spoken at book fairs in Diyarbakır and Mardin. Diyarbakir and Mardin! Do I have to say any more?”

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

TrotHotSpot
LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”