Venezuela: Myth vs. Reality

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CARACAS – For some time now, the eyes of the world have been fixed on Venezuela, following news of unrest and an election which the bourgeois media, particularly in imperialist countries, depict as illegitimate.

However, Worker’s Spatula is pleased to announce that we have sent a special correspondent from Buenos Aires to the tropical island nation of Venezuela to see what all the brouhaha is about.

Additionally, hubbub.

While countries as diverse as the United States and the United States’ closest allies continue to repeat rumours of a crackdown, our correspondent could find no evidence of any recent violence of any sort in any of the neighbourhoods of Caracas which he visited. Locals attributed the rumours of unrest to the US-based “International” “Socialist” “Organization”.

“Definitely, the ISO have made up all the stories about clashes between protestors and police. They do it to make themselves look like they have something to say. Like they’re important. Actually there’s nothing happening at all around here,” explained bored Caracan José Marquí González. “I may go see what’s on television.”

Questions about the PSUV and Maduro produced blank stares from most Caracans, until our correspondent was enlightened by local university student Maria Martínez Flores: “The PSUV and Maduro are just stories made up by the PSL so they can feel like they’re in solidarity with something big and important in some better country than their own.

“It’s honestly a bit sad. Impressive that they got most of the world to believe it though.”

The news of the non-existence of the PSUV which Worker’s Spatula readers have been supporting for years stunned our correspondent, who closed out his report with the following editorial statement, the contents of which do not necessarily reflect those of Worker’s Spatula:

We’ve spent quite a few years defending the supposed gains of the Bolivarian Revolution, only to find out that it was all just stories made up by tiny Marxist groups to sell their awful papers. This is even worse than when we found out that there was no refugee crisis from Syria, no war in Syria, and no country called Syria to begin with, because the SWP had made them all up.

What’s next? Are we going to find out that the NPA invented Western Sahara, and the EMEP invented Tunisia?

We may just have to stop basing our entire politics on holding the right positions on international affairs without having any concrete reflection in our own countries’ practical politics.

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COINTELPRO Releases Statement

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WASHINGTON D.C. – The clandestine organisation known as COINTELPRO released a statement yesterday, explaining its actions were necessary components of revolutionary struggle in the United States, meant to eliminate ultra-left forces which sought to divide the working class and misinform them about Marxism.

“Many have accused us of brutality against progressive forces in the United States. But let’s ask ourselves honestly: How progressive were these forces? The Black Panthers? Why, Hal Draper, the greatest American Marxist, said it best, when he attacked Stalinist Black nationalism as ‘Jim Crow in reverse’.”

“We wouldn’t want a bunch of Stalinist tankies running around, bringing back Jim Crow, but in reverse, now would we?”

“The Young Lords, American Indian Movement, Puerto Ricans, just in general… All the groups we targeted were trying to divide the working class on ‘racial’ lines, so who can take seriously the claim that we’re the rightists? We were destroying all the right-wing forces using left deviationism as a means of sowing confusion among socialists across the United States, and we spared all the real revolutionary forces, like our dear Trotskyist comrades, who you’ll note we didn’t kill even one of. You’re welcome, real revolutionaries!”

The statement also confirmed the allegations that COINTELPRO did cooperate with the US government in pursuit of its aims, “an idea we got from the book ‘the Spook Who Sat by the Door’.” This was “justified based on the objective conditions, unlike cooperation with any of the US’s enemies, like the Soviet Union, China, or Russia today.”

“Even if we made mistakes, at least we aren’t totalitarians or tankies. Everything we did, we did for socialism in the United States. Long live Marxism-Ebertism!”

Responses from the non-“tankie” components of the US left were largely positive:

“It’s good enough for me,” stated CPUSA chair John Bachtell. “I believe that COINTELPRO is a genuine and revolutionary part of the US left. As we all know, anyone who says anything in a vaguely left language who condemns the violence of the US’s enemies is justified no matter what. This has always been my position, and as long as I’m in charge, it will always be the CPUSA’s position as well.”

“While we don’t believe COINTELPRO’s claims of being socialist revolutionaries, they certainly have a point that everyone they fought domestically was either Stalinist by our very broad definition or in cahoots with Stalinists abroad.” stated a representative of Solidarity when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula. “So we like their ideas, and we would be willing to work with them in the future.”

The ISO concurred: “Obviously, we are the only real socialists in the United States in the first place. But it’s true that if COINTELPRO’s earlier methods were used in the US today, there would be far less people sabotaging our work with the revolutionary Nusra Front to liberate Syria for inevitable socialist revolution. So you know… If they want to Fred Hampton a few of these Stalinists…”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA, released a statement in response to COINTELPRO’s statement and other statements released in response to COINTELPRO’s released statement, stating: “Nothing surprises us anymore. I hope our friends in ICOR understand now why it’s so hard getting revolutionary work done in the United States.”