Humourless Marxist Reviews: lofi hip hop radio – beats to relax/study to

lofi
Other than the fact that it’s music which you’re listening to right now, there’s another reason why Worker’s Spatula had to review “lofi hip hop radio – beats to relax/study to”: the PKK are behind this channel.

Oh yes, the PKK. The Workers’ Party of Kurdistan, whose leader and chief theoretician is Abdullah Öcalan. That PKK.

Öcalan determined that the PKK needed to operate a lo-fi chill beats radio channel on YouTube years ago while smoking on some particularly potent ganja and thinking about how the patriarchy is the basis for stratification, exploitation, and oppression in human society. His vision was clear: a channel with some of the chillest beats for the oppressed woman who is struggling to bring down the capitalist man-state to relax to after a mission.

The channel was also designed to serve as a soundtrack for revolutionary women studying or producing theoretical works directed at undermining capitalist modernity, as depicted in the channel’s video pane in the format of an anime. While Worker’s Spatula continue to advocate a boycott of all animes produced in Japan, as the anime factories exploit the labour of Zainichi Koreans, the victims of Japanese imperialism, and profits from all animes fund the joint Japanese-Yankee occupation of Okinawa, we are assured by our Kurdish friends that the heroic young woman in this PKK propaganda channel’s video pane was drawn by guerrillas in Rojava.

Dank.

The beats themselves are very relaxing and good for controlling the anxiety which all of us experience, suffering as we do from the trauma of capitalism-imperialism, the undemocratic civilisation. Many of them have elements of traditional Japanese music over lo-fi beats, despite having been produced in Diyarbekir. Others contain samples of classic jazz and hip-hop, television clips, and the sounds of ululating Kurdish guerrilla women firing Kalashnikovs into the air as they defy the man-state in all its forms.

In addition to the anarchists who already listen to this channel when they’re high on marijuanas (as far as we understand, this is their usual state), we would also recommend this channel to the cadres of the THKP-C/MLSPB, who really need to chill the fuck out.

Best songs: “Sunday Vibes” by wünsche, “I fall in love too easily” by StackOne, “Tola Salan”

Worst song: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel

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#IBelieveHer and the Presumption of Innocence

IBelieveHer

Editorial note: A satirical piece which made reference to gender politics in our movement has been postponed in favour of this rant by one of the authors of the former piece in light of current events in Ireland. This piece makes no pretension to humour and reflects the unironic views of the entire editorial staff including all remaining writers and, we should hope, reflects on some level the sentiment of at least the majority of our readers. Should readers not be aware of the case, a content warning is due for rape.

They were acquitted! They were acquitted by a court of law after hearing all the evidence! You don’t simply get to decide who’s guilty and who’s innocent based on your feelings, no matter how popular they are! This is why we have police, this is why we have courts, this is why we have the state!

These “arguments”, applied to republicans found “guilty” of republican “crimes”, should be all to familiar to men reading this who might not ordinarily be predisposed to paying particularly attention to women’s rights and struggle, a characterisation which tragically applies to many, many men in the dissident republican movement, a fact reflected in the Provos’ ability to dominate the LGBT and feminist discourses while dissident organisations are generally quieter. Perhaps the leadership are afraid of upsetting “traditional” people (or to be more blunt: patriarchal, macho, cissexist, homophobic men)?

Whenever we choose to pay attention to this fact, the state and the media are never actually objective actors meting out fair treatment to all. Under British occupation, this should be obvious even to middle-of-the-road liberals because the British state is still a monarchy, putting one family ahead of all others by divine mandate. But the facts are hardly different in the south, or indeed, anywhere else.

The patriarchy is the dictatorship of the bourgeoisie, the dictatorship of the bourgeoisie is the state. Here we should give Öcalan his due for reviving a discussion long lay dormant among Marxists (although it was for a period a fixation of Marx’s and Engels’s), the question of the co-emergence of class society, civilisation, and gender roles, or as we now call it, “the patriarchy”. How do we see that there is value in an investigation of this question? We see it in Wednesday’s acquittal.

We know and we see, and we hope all reading this agree, that the patriarchal “rape culture” constitutes the universal material conditions in which a rugby “lad” might commit his particular act of rape. But it was not just the culture which created these men and encouraged them to become what they became and do what they did. It was the state which presides over this culture which acquitted them despite all evidence. Yes, despite all evidence, it was not enough to prove guilt because of the “presumption of innocence”. But in doing so, this same court, which made sure that she spent more time being questioned than all of the men put together, has presumed guilt: they have presumed this woman is guilty of libel, and Paddy Jackson is now proceeding with libel charges against those who defend her.

Who has rushed to the defence of the downtrodden woman, whose sexuality and character were humiliatingly put on trial? The heroic toiling masses, ordinary people, in the streets, across Ireland.

The dictatorship of the bourgeoisie is not a concept which we limit to taxes and tariffs and employment and trade unionism. The dominant bourgeoisie and its state see their reflection in one another and shape and are shaped by each other. All of social life, from the market to the courts, is under their domination, and any exceptions are the result of determined struggle against them. So it should not surprise us that the dominant bourgeoisie’s national character correlates with those of state institutions. But as the bourgeoisie inherits the patriarchal economic and cultural practices from the various historically dominant classes it has sublated in itself (the slavemaster, the feudal lord, etc.), the state inherits their patriarchal laws.

So it is with the control of women’s bodies. From the perspective of the patriarchy, we are accused of trying to police men’s sexuality, but they themselves are blind to how violently they wish to possess women’s bodies and sexuality. The slut-shaming and the hunter metaphors for pursuing women sexually, this is the overt sexual reflection of the dominance of men over women extended back more or less to the beginning of civilisation. When a woman questions this, asserts her control of her own body, she is vilified not only by the men who violated her, but by the state. We must ask, why is this? The state has an interest in protecting these men, not because they individually are so special or unique, but precisely because they are not.

The patriarchy which lies below bourgeois society and all class society, which has recreated itself through and atop bourgeois society, knows and sees that the recreation of the oppressor man identity is essential for its own continuation. The patriarchy knows and sees that rebellion against this order, through the feminist and LGBT movements, has an anti-systemic character. It protects itself against these threats in two key ways:

Firstly, as we have seen in all its ugliness in Wednesday’s acquittal, by protecting rapists at all costs; a stern reminder to women to stay in their place and accept their subservience, a pat on the back to rapist manhood.

Secondly, through the more covert violence of appropriation. Let us not forget that the occupational authorities are presided over by the Queen and the woman Prime Minister of Britain. This concept of “woman leadership” is not just an exception to the rule: it is the exception which proves the rule. These individual women are allowed privileges in exchange for presenting themselves to women as proof of their own liberation, to put trust in the patriarchy to save them from itself.

The capitalist class is the patriarchy, the patriarchy is the capitalist class. Women are the proletariat, the proletariat are women. The violence against the working class around the world, who anyway are in their majority women and the gender oppressed, in their majority oppressed nationalities, seems so obvious to our readers as to occasionally provoke the question: how has this state of affairs survived? The answer is in the covert violence of appropriation. The labour aristocracy, the occasional worker who rises in class position, these are the reflection of the oppressor class in the oppressed. The union officials who betray the labourers, particularly the unorganised labourers, the workers who refuse to join the struggle because they want to protect their current or perhaps future position, these are one and the same phenomenon as those women, in “power” or not, who defend the man-state’s assault on womanhood.

There is no neutrality in this: the media is not neutral, the state is not neutral, and you cannot remain neutral. The state presumes you guilty of insubordination until you prove yourself subordinate. The state is guilty of oppression. The media, guilty of concealing this. All of this, bought and sold by the bourgeois patriarchy.

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LeftComs Offer Critical Support to the PUK

Bordiga

ROME/LONDON – Following news of the PUK withdrawal from Kerkük, supporters of the International Communist Tendency have taken an interest in alternatives within Kurdish politics to the infamous “ethno-nationalism” of the pro-Öcalan camp.

“Obviously all of these Kurdish parties are bourgeois and nationalist, and engaging with them in any meaningful sense would be a form of opportunism,” explained ICT representative Giuseppe Sposato to our Albanian correspondent, who like all Albanians these days, spends all her time in the most Italian milieus possible: “But it’s interesting to note that opposition to the PKK and KDP lines is growing among the Kurds themselves.

“These anarchists were into the Kurds for all the wrong reasons. Women’s liberation? Communes? No, what’s really important is being as anti-nationalist as possible.

“And who’s doing more to undermine Kurdish nationalism, as a concept, than the Kurds themselves?”

The analysis continued much in the expected way, before our correspondent grew bored, turned off her recorder, and walked away without saying goodbye: “The retreat from Kerkük by the PUK shows that revolutionary defeatism and anti-nationalism are on the rise. We hope this trend will continue, not only in Kurdistan, but around the world. Of course, while it’s clear that the KCK affiliate groups are more ‘national’ in character than the ostensibly nationalist PUK and KDP, on some level we reject all of them for being fundamentally bourgeois. Everything and everyone except for me, having this conversation in this coffee shop with you, here, in Rome, is bourgeois. The only way to save the Kurds is to hope that the Worker-Communist Party of Kurdistan will read this interview, steal a bunch of guns from the Pêşmerge, and take over a factory in Silêmanî or something. Inevitably, however…”

Left communists around Western Europe have been marching through Kurdish neighbourhoods, distributing leaflets which explain that the behaviour of the bourgeois nationalist Kurdish parties shows that the advance of class struggle since the 2008 Global Financial Crisis is itself eroding the nation as a concept, and the time to join the International Communist Tendency is now. Bearing witness to this scene on a morning jog, Harpal Brar rushed to his local Worker’s Spatula correspondent to share his opinions with the international Marxist-Leninist movement who hang on our every word.

“It’s absurd, claiming that the nation is eroding. Kurdish political organisations act entirely in their own bourgeois nationalist interest, the bourgeois nation in question being AMERICA, one nation, under God, with… ah but that would mean that America is interested in giving the Kurds less land, which of course, wouldn’t be consistent with our view that… hold on just a moment… It’s a trick. The Kurds are only retreating now to build up forces so that they might smash their enemy later, just like Stalin did when… no, we can’t very well compare the Kurds to Stalin, now can we…”

“We defend the unity and sovereignty of the Iraqi state and its legitimate government! Yes, there we are. Now no one can accuse me of being on the same side as the US.”

At time of press, the PUK had released a series of statements, all of which concluded that no matter what they do, a large section of the Kurdish people will stand with them out of “nostalgia, and the knowledge that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we didn’t make the mistake of being Barzanî.”

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Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

jesus-che

BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.

Rive Gauche Impressions: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan Latest En Vogue Postmodernist Philosopher

erdog%cc%86an

PARIS – Worker’s Spatula spoke with some hip students and intellectuals in Rive Gauche cafés about the recent events in Turkey, including several bomb attacks and the assassination of the Russian ambassador, which followed over a year of extraordinary events that have by now become ordinary including, yet again, several bombing attacks, war in Kurdistan, a coup attempt, martial law, and so on and so on.

*sniffs*

Among the jeunesse d’or of France there is a widespread admiration for the Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, particularly in poststructuralist and deconstructionist circles. François, philosophy student at Paris VIII told us: «Ever since the death of Derrida we have been thinking about how to develop his theory. I mean, what does it mean to develop a theory? Is there progress? Is there progress in theory? What about practice? I am very impressed by Erdoğan, he is a legitimate successor to Derrida. Even Derrida has only rejected the notion of the possibility of stability. He deciphered stability as an illusion on a conceptual level. But Erdoğan has deconstructed the notion of stability in practice, by proclaiming the unstable situation in Turkey as the manifestation of his stabilising effect. A deconstructive genius, using the material to tear apart the abstraction.»

Sophie appears to be a student somehwere, although she preferred to play coy when asked her precise academic affiliations, replying that she was «a student of life». She largely agreed with François’s assessment: «We always used to say that reality does not exist and everything is language and so on… but, let’s be honest, we say that because it is the cool thing to say. But with him, with my dear Recep, he actually lives the idea that reality does not exist. We could say, following Judith Butler, that there is a performativity involved, a performative negation of the notion of reality and illusion, dissolved into an infinite series of differences in his speeches. C’est fantastique!»

Mourad, a sociology student and a close observer of the Middle East, expressed his fascination with the fluidity not only of political discourse in Turkey, but of the ideology of the ruling party itself: «Also,» he added, «if their constant attacks on the intelligentsia aren’t postmodernist, they’re at least Maoist, so either way, a refreshing new approach to politics in the region.»

Local KCK enthusiast and weirdo Joseph pointed out to us that Abdullah Öcalan was the first one to assess Erdoğan’s thought in this fashion, and the former only fails to be recognised for his theoretical contributions due to the anti-Kurdish sentiments prevalent among the Rive Gauche élite.

«They’re all ironic Kemalists as well, you see.»

Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

ypjeremy

LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

Subcomandante Stein Begins Guerrilla Campaign

Stein

THE JUNGLES OF PENNSYLVANIA – It has been a few weeks since “people’s rule” was established in rural Pennsylvania by the Jill Stein campaign, in an apparent tactical manoeuvre meant to unite the dissatisfaction drawn from the fallout of the Sanders campaign with the decades long struggle of the local “Amish” people against central state authority and capitalism.

“These people are fighting to preserve their very way life from the onslaught of neoliberalism, which is destroying our planet,” explained Subcomandante Stein. “These are people who are at one with nature. Can the morning dew carry a gun for the revolution? The whispers of the trees in Pennsylvania tell me it can.”

“The urban revolutionaries of the US can learn a lot from the Amish people, who work communally, who respect our Mother Earth, and who reject the capitalist commodification of women in all forms,” Stein explained.

The local community has been drawn in at all levels into the Greens’ radical democratic project. Local Amish and non-Amish alike have begun to reject Clintonite control of political representation and natural resources. Direct democratic initiatives have aided in earning the local people’s trust, but also in helping to reshape the Greens’ programme for the US at large, which now incorporates demands for land reforms and opposition to zippers.

Amish communities in other states have been inspired by the success of Jill Stein in Pennsylvania, and have been leading many of their “English” neighbours away from the Clinton campaign in light of Bernie Sanders’s defeat and statements of support for Clinton. In Indiana, there are reports of armed clashes between roving bands of Amish and neo-Nazis, in which both sides are reported to exchange German language battle cries and Bible quotes.

Subcomandante Stein has taken to frequent media appearances in Amish villages, where she gives statements of solidarity with ETA, and condemns Clinton as “a representative of the neo-liberal status quo which gave birth to Trumpite fascism” and “the face of English tyranny against the noble Amish people”. Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent asked for a concrete example of Stein’s claim that “the Amish people have taught [her] to look at the world in a new way.”

“Over time, I have come to understand how important their traditional faith is to them. Many of them believe the Holocaust was punishment by God against the Jews for rejecting Jesus. Instead of explaining fascism with left-wing terminology, I learned to explain it to them in terms of God punishing Europe for sinful political centrism. I argued for the use of Kalashnikovs against Trumpites in theological terms. They are God’s warriors against the sins of America, and Clinton is one of the worst sinners.”

The success of the Green campaign has led Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson to change his tactics as well: He is now to be found at Native American-owned casinos, arguing against “the white man’s government” and in favour of free market reforms which will allow Native Americans to become rich and buy back their land from the palefaces.

The Turkish Yeşiller ve Sol Gelecek Partisi has quickly capitalised on the Stein campaign to gain recruits. “Finally,” Eylem Tuncaelli, the woman co-spokesperson for the party was quoted as saying, “we have something going on so people in the HDK and HDP will pay serious attention to us. It’s not all about you, Figen!”

As of press time, the entire YSGP had been taken into custody for questioning on suspicion of having made propaganda for the terrorist state of Pennsylvania, which is being held up in the Turkish media as proof of a Gülen-Öcalan connection.

Israel: “Please Barzani, Save Us”

 

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OCCUPIED JERUSALEM – Citing concerns that past statements had perhaps been too subtle, designed as they were to play off popular support for the PYD, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Tzipi Hotovely held a press conference today in which she directly addressed KRG President Masoud Barzani:

“Look Barzani, you know what this is all really about. You know our predicament. The KCK keeps gaining more and more power, and you’re just sitting there, letting them take it,” said Hotovely, referring to the Kurdish umbrella organisation born out of armed struggle, allied with the Palestinian liberation movement through the PFLP.

“We don’t know when you’re planning to step in and stop this, but terrorists are taking over Kurdistan, and this doesn’t just hurt us, but you too. Do what’s right, and invade Northern Syria and take over. The women of Kurdistan, by which I mean myself, demand this.

“Is this about ISIS? Does that really bother you? We can’t just call them off in Iraq with the Shi’as over there, being all… Shi’a. Why don’t you make friends with the Sunni Arabs, and then we’ll call them off. You guys are Sunni, right? Or is Kurdish a sect? How does that work? Can you be both? I’m extremely new to all this.”

In an unusual move, the PFLP responded by releasing its own statement directed at the increasingly unpopular US-backed puppet leader of Iraqi Kurdistan:

“Barzani, don’t listen to 7u6uwali, she’s drunk. We are your real bros, we speak the same language… Oh wait, you’re not happy about that. Hold up, I’m going to start over now.

“Hey Barzani, we assure you that we’ve spoken to some PKK guys in Beirut, and they swear they’ll give you all of Kurdistan as soon as they’re done beating ISIS. Honestly. They’re just being coy. So just let them do whatever they want, and the kingdom will be yours. It’s going to be great. Her bijî.”

The press statement was concluded with the PFLP spokesman fist-bumping Stefan Engel, who flashed the victory sign at the camera.

Workers’ Party of Korea Regret Not Corresponding with Bookchin

KimAndMurray

PYONGYANG – Behind-the-scenes sources from the 7th congress of the Workers’ Party of Korea report that the party is far more interested in sub-state developments in anti-imperialist trends than previously thought. It seems that many members of the party have been feverishly discussing for days the popularity of the Kurdish liberation movement led by Abdullah Öcalan in light of their stunning victories in Rojava.

“Why didn’t we correspond with Bookchin? Then North Korea could have actual defenders in fashionable left circles around the world, instead of just the CPGB-ML,” said Hwang Pyong-so.

“Oh, and the RCPB-ML. HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY FORGET THEM?”

“These solidarity missions to Rojava really upset us, why can’t ICOR try and ‘break the siege’ on North Korea? We’re only up against the fucking UN!” seethed Kim Yo-jong as she paced back and forth before a Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he furiously scribbled notes.

“But it’s our fault, we cut ourselves off from developments on the ground in imperialist countries, and now we’re losing out. Other than that, we’re pretty much the same as the PYD: We both abandoned historical materialism in favour of a basically anti-imperialist state model, we both have our catchy name for it: Juche and Democratic Confederalism.

“We tried sending a delegation to Qamişlo to get advice. The Kurds promised to introduce us to their people in Berlin in exchange for mountains of aid. Again, being embargoed by the UN here.”

Sources report that Kim Jong-un is still optimistic. “It’s not too late. We have a lot of people in Japan. We can turn Tokyo into our Berlin,” he is reported to have told a close confidant.

“Oh, who am I kidding? It’s back to waiting for the economic crisis in the south to deepen.”