Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

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BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.

Rive Gauche Impressions: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan Latest En Vogue Postmodernist Philosopher

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PARIS – Worker’s Spatula spoke with some hip students and intellectuals in Rive Gauche cafés about the recent events in Turkey, including several bomb attacks and the assassination of the Russian ambassador, which followed over a year of extraordinary events that have by now become ordinary including, yet again, several bombing attacks, war in Kurdistan, a coup attempt, martial law, and so on and so on.

*sniffs*

Among the jeunesse d’or of France there is a widespread admiration for the Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, particularly in poststructuralist and deconstructionist circles. François, philosophy student at Paris VIII told us: «Ever since the death of Derrida we have been thinking about how to develop his theory. I mean, what does it mean to develop a theory? Is there progress? Is there progress in theory? What about practice? I am very impressed by Erdoğan, he is a legitimate successor to Derrida. Even Derrida has only rejected the notion of the possibility of stability. He deciphered stability as an illusion on a conceptual level. But Erdoğan has deconstructed the notion of stability in practice, by proclaiming the unstable situation in Turkey as the manifestation of his stabilising effect. A deconstructive genius, using the material to tear apart the abstraction.»

Sophie appears to be a student somehwere, although she preferred to play coy when asked her precise academic affiliations, replying that she was «a student of life». She largely agreed with François’s assessment: «We always used to say that reality does not exist and everything is language and so on… but, let’s be honest, we say that because it is the cool thing to say. But with him, with my dear Recep, he actually lives the idea that reality does not exist. We could say, following Judith Butler, that there is a performativity involved, a performative negation of the notion of reality and illusion, dissolved into an infinite series of differences in his speeches. C’est fantastique!»

Mourad, a sociology student and a close observer of the Middle East, expressed his fascination with the fluidity not only of political discourse in Turkey, but of the ideology of the ruling party itself: «Also,» he added, «if their constant attacks on the intelligentsia aren’t postmodernist, they’re at least Maoist, so either way, a refreshing new approach to politics in the region.»

Local KCK enthusiast and weirdo Joseph pointed out to us that Abdullah Öcalan was the first one to assess Erdoğan’s thought in this fashion, and the former only fails to be recognised for his theoretical contributions due to the anti-Kurdish sentiments prevalent among the Rive Gauche élite.

«They’re all ironic Kemalists as well, you see.»

Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

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LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

Subcomandante Stein Begins Guerrilla Campaign

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THE JUNGLES OF PENNSYLVANIA – It has been a few weeks since “people’s rule” was established in rural Pennsylvania by the Jill Stein campaign, in an apparent tactical manoeuvre meant to unite the dissatisfaction drawn from the fallout of the Sanders campaign with the decades long struggle of the local “Amish” people against central state authority and capitalism.

“These people are fighting to preserve their very way life from the onslaught of neoliberalism, which is destroying our planet,” explained Subcomandante Stein. “These are people who are at one with nature. Can the morning dew carry a gun for the revolution? The whispers of the trees in Pennsylvania tell me it can.”

“The urban revolutionaries of the US can learn a lot from the Amish people, who work communally, who respect our Mother Earth, and who reject the capitalist commodification of women in all forms,” Stein explained.

The local community has been drawn in at all levels into the Greens’ radical democratic project. Local Amish and non-Amish alike have begun to reject Clintonite control of political representation and natural resources. Direct democratic initiatives have aided in earning the local people’s trust, but also in helping to reshape the Greens’ programme for the US at large, which now incorporates demands for land reforms and opposition to zippers.

Amish communities in other states have been inspired by the success of Jill Stein in Pennsylvania, and have been leading many of their “English” neighbours away from the Clinton campaign in light of Bernie Sanders’s defeat and statements of support for Clinton. In Indiana, there are reports of armed clashes between roving bands of Amish and neo-Nazis, in which both sides are reported to exchange German language battle cries and Bible quotes.

Subcomandante Stein has taken to frequent media appearances in Amish villages, where she gives statements of solidarity with ETA, and condemns Clinton as “a representative of the neo-liberal status quo which gave birth to Trumpite fascism” and “the face of English tyranny against the noble Amish people”. Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent asked for a concrete example of Stein’s claim that “the Amish people have taught [her] to look at the world in a new way.”

“Over time, I have come to understand how important their traditional faith is to them. Many of them believe the Holocaust was punishment by God against the Jews for rejecting Jesus. Instead of explaining fascism with left-wing terminology, I learned to explain it to them in terms of God punishing Europe for sinful political centrism. I argued for the use of Kalashnikovs against Trumpites in theological terms. They are God’s warriors against the sins of America, and Clinton is one of the worst sinners.”

The success of the Green campaign has led Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson to change his tactics as well: He is now to be found at Native American-owned casinos, arguing against “the white man’s government” and in favour of free market reforms which will allow Native Americans to become rich and buy back their land from the palefaces.

The Turkish Yeşiller ve Sol Gelecek Partisi has quickly capitalised on the Stein campaign to gain recruits. “Finally,” Eylem Tuncaelli, the woman co-spokesperson for the party was quoted as saying, “we have something going on so people in the HDK and HDP will pay serious attention to us. It’s not all about you, Figen!”

As of press time, the entire YSGP had been taken into custody for questioning on suspicion of having made propaganda for the terrorist state of Pennsylvania, which is being held up in the Turkish media as proof of a Gülen-Öcalan connection.

Israel: “Please Barzani, Save Us”

 

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OCCUPIED JERUSALEM – Citing concerns that past statements had perhaps been too subtle, designed as they were to play off popular support for the PYD, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Tzipi Hotovely held a press conference today in which she directly addressed KRG President Masoud Barzani:

“Look Barzani, you know what this is all really about. You know our predicament. The KCK keeps gaining more and more power, and you’re just sitting there, letting them take it,” said Hotovely, referring to the Kurdish umbrella organisation born out of armed struggle, allied with the Palestinian liberation movement through the PFLP.

“We don’t know when you’re planning to step in and stop this, but terrorists are taking over Kurdistan, and this doesn’t just hurt us, but you too. Do what’s right, and invade Northern Syria and take over. The women of Kurdistan, by which I mean myself, demand this.

“Is this about ISIS? Does that really bother you? We can’t just call them off in Iraq with the Shi’as over there, being all… Shi’a. Why don’t you make friends with the Sunni Arabs, and then we’ll call them off. You guys are Sunni, right? Or is Kurdish a sect? How does that work? Can you be both? I’m extremely new to all this.”

In an unusual move, the PFLP responded by releasing its own statement directed at the increasingly unpopular US-backed puppet leader of Iraqi Kurdistan:

“Barzani, don’t listen to 7u6uwali, she’s drunk. We are your real bros, we speak the same language… Oh wait, you’re not happy about that. Hold up, I’m going to start over now.

“Hey Barzani, we assure you that we’ve spoken to some PKK guys in Beirut, and they swear they’ll give you all of Kurdistan as soon as they’re done beating ISIS. Honestly. They’re just being coy. So just let them do whatever they want, and the kingdom will be yours. It’s going to be great. Her bijî.”

The press statement was concluded with the PFLP spokesman fist-bumping Stefan Engel, who flashed the victory sign at the camera.

Workers’ Party of Korea Regret Not Corresponding with Bookchin

KimAndMurray

PYONGYANG – Behind-the-scenes sources from the 7th congress of the Workers’ Party of Korea report that the party is far more interested in sub-state developments in anti-imperialist trends than previously thought. It seems that many members of the party have been feverishly discussing for days the popularity of the Kurdish liberation movement led by Abdullah Öcalan in light of their stunning victories in Rojava.

“Why didn’t we correspond with Bookchin? Then North Korea could have actual defenders in fashionable left circles around the world, instead of just the CPGB-ML,” said Hwang Pyong-so.

“Oh, and the RCPB-ML. HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY FORGET THEM?”

“These solidarity missions to Rojava really upset us, why can’t ICOR try and ‘break the siege’ on North Korea? We’re only up against the fucking UN!” seethed Kim Yo-jong as she paced back and forth before a Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he furiously scribbled notes.

“But it’s our fault, we cut ourselves off from developments on the ground in imperialist countries, and now we’re losing out. Other than that, we’re pretty much the same as the PYD: We both abandoned historical materialism in favour of a basically anti-imperialist state model, we both have our catchy name for it: Juche and Democratic Confederalism.

“We tried sending a delegation to Qamişlo to get advice. The Kurds promised to introduce us to their people in Berlin in exchange for mountains of aid. Again, being embargoed by the UN here.”

Sources report that Kim Jong-un is still optimistic. “It’s not too late. We have a lot of people in Japan. We can turn Tokyo into our Berlin,” he is reported to have told a close confidant.

“Oh, who am I kidding? It’s back to waiting for the economic crisis in the south to deepen.”

Plaid Cymru Kî ne?

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BANGOR, WÊLZ – Îro em di cîhaneke pir xeternak de dijîn. Dema dewleta faşîst a Tirk êrîş dike li ser gelê Kurd û li ser îradeya siyasî ya hemû hêzên pêşverû yên Anatoliya û Mezopotamyayê, gelên Birîtaniya jî tê dikoşin li hemberî hêzên faşîst ên David Cameron, serokwezîrê Birîtaniyayê ku birazek niya.

Ji ber ku piştgirî bi Îrlendiyan re îşê Filistîniyan e, divê Worker’s Spatula piştgirî navbera gelên Kurd û Wêlzî bilind bike.

A rastî, ji aliyê Wêlzî piştgiriya bi gelê Kurd re normal bû. Hevalên me yên Kurd in ku hê nizanin Wêlzî kî ne. Di Wêlzê de gelek Qomunîst hene, bi taybetî ji Partiya Qomunîst a Birîtaniyayê, CPB. CPB mîna TKEP/L ye, lê selehên wan tune. Di rojnameya CPBê, “Morning Star” (bi Kurdî “Ferec”*), gelek meqaleyên li ser mezinahiya têkoşîna PYD li hemberî çeteyên DEÎŞ hatine nivîsîn.

Li gundên Wêlzî, komeke Maoîst a pir piçûk heye, bi navê Yr Aflonddwch Mawr. Bi Wêlzî wateya vî navî heye, lê em nizanin çi ye, çimkî me nikaribû Ferhengeke Kurdî-Wêlzî bibînin. Bi kurtî û Kurmancî, Yr Aflonddwch Mawr ji Îbrahîm Kaypakkaya hez dikin, loma ew jî ji bo gelê Kurd baş in.

Îsal li hilbijartinên Birîtanî, li gorî hilbijartinên paşerojê, bêhtir Wêlziyan Plaid Cymru hilbijart. Ev girîng e, çimkî Plaid Cymru PKK ya Wêlziyan e, û em hêvîdar in ku li pêşerojê Wêlz ji Birîtaniyayê derkeve. Dema kantonên Wêlzê hatine avakirin, hereketa Kurdî dikare selehan ji wan bikirin ji bo têkoşîna li hemberî dewletên kedxwar.

Karker û gelên bindest ên cîhanê, hevgirin!

*Navê rojnameya “Morning Star” ji bo koma metal a Kurdî bi heman navî hat hilbijartin, û rojnamevanên “Morning Star”, heman wekî rojnamevanên Worker’s Spatula, her guhdariya muzîka Ferec’ê dikin.

Sanders Preparing Supporters for Armed Struggle

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PHILADELPHIA – Following Ted Cruz and John Kasich’s withdrawal from the Republican primary leaving Trump as the de facto Republican candidate, US observers had nearly unanimously predicted that Bernie Sanders would follow suit and announce his withdrawal to allow Hillary Clinton to focus on the general election.

However, exclusive information obtained by Worker’s Spatula correspondents shows that Sanders and his team are secretly forming armed militias all over the country. It seems that a particular focus is to be put on Philadelphia, where the national convention of the Democratic Party will be held in July.

“Sanders has purchased several crates of flamethrowers,” a source informed us. “You know why.”

We spoke with a Sanders supporter who had signed up for the armed insurrection against the Democratic Party elite, who understandably spoke to us on condition of anonymity. He is a “Bookchinite anarchist” from Maine and chose ‘Serhildan Şoreş’ as his nom de guerre.

“It was a natural fit for me, politically. I had always said that New Hampshire was like the Kobanê of New England, and soon the Bern is gonna give us the chance to turn New England into Rojava for real.

“Washington is a moloch that needs to be destroyed. Just like Ankara, Baghdad, Tehran and Damascus. We will establish a system of cantons and each state will become a canton with self rule and democratic autonomy.

“Except for Florida, which will be separated from the rest of the federation with a wall built by an able builder until climate change and rising sea levels take care of the problem.”

‘Serhildan Şoreş’ ended our interview thus: “I read in a book by Serok Öcalan that Che Guevara once said: ‘Make two, three, a thousand cantons. That is just what I intend to do, and why I supported Sanders in the first place.”

Other inside sources reported diverse motivations for taking up armed struggle. We spoke to a woman who wanted to assassinate Bill Clinton, apparently because he had sexually harassed her. We feel comfortable in relaying this information on the grounds that she cannot possibly be identified among the ten thousand or more victims of Bill Clinton’s harassment.

As a side note, bourgeois feminists insist that you vote for Hillary Clinton, who unhesitatingly defended her husband in spite of his obvious guilt, on feminist grounds.

Various Maoist groups around the US have also responded positively to the announcement of armed struggle. ‘Ka Michael’ from New York spoke to us: “We obviously could never support Sanders, or anyone else in the world, if he wasn’t advocating immediate armed uprising against reactionaries. But conversely, we can now support Sanders, or literally anyone else in the world, who does.”

He then opened up his book bag, which had a Cultural Revolution slogan printed on the side in English, and took out several copies of ‘the little red book’ and began chucking it into our correspondent’s face, before marching into the street alone shouting slogans about “Bernie’s people’s war”.

Iranian Diaspora Sip Barolo, Reaffirm Uselessness of People in Iran

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BEVERLY HEEL, KAWLIFORNIYAW – The smell of cologne wafted over Southern California today as over 75 “opposition” Iranian-Americans gathered Friday night at the house of engineer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Majid Hosseini to discuss the state of Iran today. Sipping on fine Piedmontese Barolo (expertly paired with qorme sabzi), the walking advertisements for Gucci discussed the potential for political upheaval in the Southwest Asian (but actually quite “vestorn”, because they are “Aryans”, you see) country which might allow for their triumphant return to the mamlakat.

Throughout the evening, truisms about the oppressive nature of the regime and the unwillingness of the Iranian people to lift a finger to liberate themselves were repeated. “All the mollahs are donkeys!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini as the other 74 members of the group nodded along to his trailblazing and wholly original analysis. “Not a single country in the world is more oppressed and in need of liberation than Iran.”

“I just got back from Tehran, and you can see how everyone is obsessed with consumption and chasing after an elite lifestyle rather than thinking about the future,” pontificated “Doktor” Hosseini’s friend and  dentist, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Ahmad Akbarzadeh, while adjusting his blue silk shirt. “By the way, Armani is having a sample sale this weekend,” he added, to riotous applause.

His wife, Goli Akbarzadeh, programmer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman, concurred: “As long as people keep being distracted by things that don’t fundamentally matter, these donkey mollahs will keep running the country.”

Her friend from UCLA, Farideh Zamani, paused from liking selfies she had taken of herself during a shopping expedition earlier that day on Facebook to disagree: “You forget that these mollahs are such donkeys that they don’t even know how to run a country properly. I know. I went to Iran last month for my cousin’s wedding.” The lawyer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman rose above the table, propped up by her six-inch stilettos, before adding: “It’s all because of religion. They should bring back the Shah. He was a great leader who really got secularism, just like Kamawl Atatork. If he hadn’t left, we’d be just like Torkey right now.”

The sole dissenting opinion was provided by Rojin Kelhuri, a keffiyeh-clad PhD student in political science and avid reader of Worker’s Spatula, who had accidentally responded to the Facebook event invitation and had to attend based on shame alone. “The only way forward is to mobilise the workers and the oppressed in Iran in militant struggle. Not all the people in Iran are bourgeois professionals who can afford to fly back and forth from the country and pontificate on its idealised potential while not engaging in the concrete conditions.”

A tense silence covered the rest of the table as the disturbingly non-Tehrani opinions kept coming: “Iran is full of Afghan construction workers, Kurdish kids who get executed for nothing more than expressing their opinions, and the Baloch who still have to suffer from malaria in a country posting 8% economic growth! Militancy and mobilisation are the only way forward, whether in Iran or right here in LA! You’re all cut off from reality, and that’s why you admire the fascist Turkish state.”

“Stop acting the Kord!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini, “it’s always got to be about DOING something with you people. How much time do you think people have? And besides, those Afghans leave their country because Iran is the greatest country in the world – something you Kords don’t understand because you’re too busy with your smuggling and your raised fists and your PJAK.”

At press time, Kelhuri excused himself as the topic turned to the apparent laziness of “de belacks”, as evidenced by the generally lower socio-economic position compared to Iranian Americans in spite of the latter’s recent immigrant status and inferior ability to “espeak Eengleesh”.