First Annual “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference Organised

stalinsbirthday

ATHENS – In honour of the birthday of Comrade Stalin, the KKE has taken the initiative to organise a massive conference in Athens in honour of the completely error-free life of the nicest human being ever to be born: Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

The “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference will be held every year going forward, with possible candidate cities for next year’s conference including Volgograd (in Russia), and Gori (in Georgia).

Despite its decidely un-Soviet nostalgic location (the inevitable result of the material conditions under which the conference was planned), turnout was tremendous. Delegates arrived from countries as varied as India, Chile, Turkey, Togo, and the UK to offer presentations on the overwhelming rightness of Stalin in word and deed.

A panel was organised specifically for the UK defenders of Comrade Stalin, including the CPGB-ML, NCP, and the RCPB-ML. The NCP representative presented on “Frida Kahlo as Stalinist, de Rivera as Trotskyite”, the RCPB-ML presented on “Youth Culture: can Stalin be incorporated into it?”, and the CPGB-ML presented on “Please ignore the first two presentations at this panel, we are the only British people who defend Comrade Stalin”.

George Galloway was not invited to present, but had his own table outside the conference where he stopped women comrades entering the building to ask them if they thought he was more handsome than Stalin.

A representative of the Turkish party TKİP repeated its call, consistent in all international gatherings in which they are present, for all genuine Marxist-Leninists across the world to grow glorious Stalin-style moustaches. During the question-and-answer session for this panel, a Worker’s Spatula representative condemned the “butch dominance” of “formalistic Stalinism”, demanding a “femme equivalent to the Stalin moustache” be found. The TKİP responded that the Spatula correspondent was a “Foucaultite wrecker and clear agent of the MLKP”.

Despite tremendous disagreement on the most basic questions of history and current practice, a toast was held at the end of the evening to “unity in struggle, and struggle in unity”, at which point a giant mpaklavas, dyed so as to resemble a painting of Comrade Stalin, was wheeled out to cheers and the traditional birthday song of Georgia’s most famous native son:

KKE Leaves Syriza

kke-syriza

ATHENS – Following a lengthy debate at all levels over the past four years since the declaration of Syriza as a “party”, the Brezhnevite organisation known as the KKE has finally decided to leave Syriza and consider other options of engagement with bourgeois elections:

“Obviously, at the beginning, during the protests in the squares, we just wanted to unite in principled struggle with the people, rather than standing on the sidelines and preaching insane levels of purity, including the scolding of individual protesters, like a bunch of Trotskyites. So naturally we were very close to Syriza in those days,” explained a party spokesman sporting an extremely stylish Fidel Castro shirt.

“When it came time for Syriza to take part in elections, well, since we’ve always emphasised the importance of elections on the one hand and the legacy of Stalin and Brezhnev on the other, we simply had to take part in this clear example of popular front action.

“But lately we’re starting to consider that Syriza might have outlived its usefulness, and so we’re looking into perhaps joining Popular Unity, or Antarsya, or perhaps hosting some talks about the terms of a possible electoral alliance between the two.

“Anything to move beyond the sectarianism we’ve long condemned and provide a real way forward for our beloved Greek people, for whom we would sacrifice our very lives.”

Reactions from the rest of the Greek left have been mostly negative, with Greek Prime Minister or whatever he is Alexis Tsipras condemning the action as “ultra-left deviation by our last real friends in the EU, and the group on whom all of our hopes were so strongly pinned.

“Also, Koutsoumpas’s hair looks fucking terrible. This is why I get to be in charge and nobody’s even heard of you. I look like a sexy oil wrestler’s wet dream and you look like some kind of uncle from one of those countries where uncles don’t even grow moustaches.”

From the other side, Popular Unity and Antarsya were able to unite, but only in the action of releasing a joint statement condemning the KKE’s attempts at moving closer to them:

“There will never be a place for the KKE in Popular Unity or Antarsya. Both of our principles of unity clearly state that you must believe the Soviet Union went bad when either Lenin or Stalin died. It is simply unbefitting a Greek communist organisation to be able to explain your position on the Soviet Union without reference to any specific years.

“Frankly, you’re just not dialectical enough for us.”

Like everything else the KKE does, it is expected that the anti-Kurdish hate group KP and various “parties” in English-speaking countries will fall over themselves in sharing this latest example of heroism by the last real proletarian revolutionaries in Greece, the KKE.

Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

hoxhawins

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

Ultra-Lefts Angry at Black People Again

draftproposal

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA – Following the police murder of Keith Lamont Scott in Charlotte, North Carolina, protests have erupted drawing in large sections of Afro-American youth and progressives of other national backgrounds. But at least one group isn’t joining in this latest uprising:

“I understand why they’re angry, but the solution is really a worker’s revolution,” stated proud “left oppositionist” and local game store employee Mike Surname. “Without the leadership of a worker’s party, poor Black people will never be meaningfully free.”

Local “red guard” Dawn “Red Dawn” Smith disagreed: “What they need is a people’s war, led by a Gonzalist Maoist organisation. Unlike the Trots, our specific brand of communism is such that we tell Black people that they are a nation, and that their national interest is to join our particular sectarian branch of the socialist movement and work for its development for the purpose of an explicitly socialist revolution. Anything else would be bourgeois, of course.”

“NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!” interjected a passing crowd of angry Afro-American youth, which neither of the particular flavours of white socialist made any attempt to encourage or join, being far too busy bemoaning their inability to organise the masses on the particular line of struggle they had chosen, independent of real world struggle.

Not to be outdone, the opportunists also interjected their views on how the masses were both wrong and stupid:

“What I’m saying is, these aren’t proletarians. Burning trucks, screaming ‘fuck the police’? No, these are clearly lumpenproletarians. I’ve heard about them, but I can never approach them, for fear that I’ll get some poverty on me,” said Jacob Christgau, local CPUSA organiser and union member who does not like the term “labour aristocracy”.

“A real worker’s revolution will emerge from SEIU meetings in an orderly fashion, without all this foolish violence. JCP and KKE both agree with me on this, where’s your international?”

“ICOR? I’ve never heard of that.”

Tsipras Calls on Greek Masses to Rise Up Against Him

tsiprassyriza

ATHENS – Greek prime minister and four-time European Governmental Head Cheese-Eating Champion Alexis Tsipras today called on the people of Greece to rise up against the “corrupt and incompetent Tsipras government”.

“We in Syriza stand with the people. The people, and the people alone, are the motive force in the making of world history. The protests, strikes, and riots across the country make clear that the people totally reject the austerity policies implemented by the EU and its puppet government in Athens, which is to say us.”

“Syriza should’ve never surrendered to the neoliberal blackmail and accepted the terms of the third international bailout. That traitor Tsipras must be held accountable!” Tsipras concluded.

Later in the day, while Tsipras was in a meeting with European creditors, Worker’s Spatula correspondents in Athens roamed the streets seeking opinions. It wasn’t long before they came across representatives of the KKE and Popular Unity.

“We always opposed Syriza, but we also always opposed any strikes or protests that weren’t organised by us, so we’re not actually sure how to respond to this.” a protesting KKE member said, chanting softly in an alleyway so as to not be confused with the rioters on the main street throwing petrol bombs at a bank. “Anyway, the revolution will come as soon as the Greek people vote us into power. Any day now.”

“This was quite a shocking development, honestly.” said a member of Popular Unity as she was handcuffed by the police. “We left Syriza because they didn’t support things like this, so now we’re thinking of rejoining Syriza, although they’re the government that we’re protesting against. I’m sure nobody outside of Greece knows what we Greeks are up to, but frankly neither do we. I’m just riding it out at this point. Something’s gonna happen, somewhow.”

From Germany, response was predictable. Die Linke condemned the “adventurism” of the Syriza government and called on them to take part in “principled” struggle, “ideally in the form of a politely worded editorial for junge Welt”. Meanwhile, MLPD chair Stefan Engel responded by saying “I’m sure the KOE know what they’re doing. Resistance and that.”

“Can we talk about Kurds again? I know what’s going on there at least.”

Scandal looming at 2016 Marxism Conference

dsip
LONDON/ISTANBUL – DSİP, the Turkish Section of the International Socialist Tendency and thus the sister party of the Socialist Worker’s Party (SWP) has announced that it is likely to boycott the 2016 Marxism Conference in London.

A spokesperson of the party declared: “We feel the need to express our discontent with the leadership of the SWP. Alex Stalinicos has abandoned all principles of democratic centralism and is ruling the party as if it was his private property. Which is something we actually like if autocratic Islamist rulers like Morsi or Erdoğan do it, but not when communists do it, or when we feel the need to accuse communists of doing it because we disagree with them.”

However, there are rumours that the real reason behind the discontent is the fact that the SWP did not provide the necessary material means for the Turkish Marxism Conference held by DSİP in a five star hotel in Taksim in recent years. “They were so used to have nice meeting rooms in five star hotels with plenty of space, especially since nobody ever shows up.” we were told by one insider. “But, you know, Trotskyism doesn’t really exist here in Turkey and after so many people left the SWP because Comrade Delta betrayed them… well, the money isn’t flowing like it used to.”

Asked about these accusations, a DSİP spokesperson responded: “Well, the real reasons are complicated actually, but the Turkish people are too stupid to understand them, so we didn’t want to go into detail. Really, they are just too stupid, otherwise why would they support Marxist-Leninist parties and not us? Anyway, if you must know, yes, we were not happy with some decisions made by the SWP and yes, the money flow has dried up somewhat. The takeaway is this: Callinicos? More like Stalinicos. Whenever you have a problem with someone, compare them to Stalin, because what could be worse than Stalin? Does the comparison have to make any sense? No, but it still works. If you don’t think it works, you’re probably a Stalinist yourself.”

Upon learning that the SWP had been declared “Stalinist”, TKİP sent a letter of solidarity to Callinicos, in which they hinted at the possibility of joining the IST. “So we always tell people we’re Marxist-Leninists, but we basically act like Trotskyites, and you’re officially Trotskyites, but someone called you ‘Stalinicos’, and you know, it seems like a good fit.”

A representative of the SWP reacted to the upheaval from Turkey in a press conference: “So this really hurts us, you know? Our political principle is internationalism, which means for us to be present everywhere and relevant nowhere. However, at the Marxism Conference we gather once every year in London and let representatives from our different sections around the world explain to the audience that they are in fact relevant parts of the movements in their respective countries. If DSİP boycotts the conference, people might get the idea that we’re not leading the revolution in Turkey, and then you know, it’s a slippery slope to British people suspecting we’re not leading the revolution anywhere.” He lowered his voice slightly before continuing: “I mean, what do they want anyway? Do they think they can rely on Turkish people to support them? Well, mate, think again. I suppose they want more money. You know, we basically give all our organisations around the world money in order to pretend that they are a vital and strong political player. If they want more money, others might start wanting more as well. This is not great for us. You know how much money we had to pay them in order to shut them all up about all the rape scandals here at the SWP central committee?”

As was to be expected, there was an intense discussion about these dramatic events. Counterfire immediately published four articles, one for each regular Counterfire contributor, with similar content, namely praising itself for leaving the SWP long before it became cool to leave the SWP among British Trotskyists. Chris Nineham stated: “You know, when it became cool to leave the SWP and uncool to support it, we briefly considered re-entering the party. But as Callinicos got wind of that discussion he sent us a private e-mail that he would rather take an ice axe to the head than breathe the same air as traitors like us, so that was that.”

Sebastian Budgen of Verso Books, a regular reader of Worker’s Spatula, who shares each and every of our articles so long as he is not mentioned in it, asked in a Facebook post: “Does anyone know how to make a poorly-selling e-book out of all this?”

International response was more muted. Stathis Kouvelakis of the newly founded Popular Unity in Greece and a regular participant in discussions with Callinicos commented to our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Athens: “Should I care? Who were they supporting at the end in Greece? See, the reason I am in a party is so I don’t have to deal with this question every day, Greece is far too complicated. I think it was your paper in which I read about a KKE scale on Greek politics. Obviously, they are crazy sectarians, but I like the concept. What was the question again?”

Our German correspondent called MLPD chairman Stefan Engel to learn about his take on the complex situation. He excused himself for 5 minutes to learn more and promised to call us back, which he did: “I’ve talked to our Turkish and Kurdish comrades. No one of them has ever met anyone from DSİP, but they knew that the party supported Erdoğan’s 2010 referendum alongside many liberals. I believe them to be the perfect representative of Trotskyism in Turkey and the SWP should do everything to keep them happy.”

Greece in Chaos; KKE to Fix Everything

kke-syrizaATHENS – After the total defeat of Syriza, the situation in Greece has descended into a chaotic mire which is difficult to penetrate at first glance. The Syriza leadership has driven the party to a split through unwavering belief in its strategy of having polite and productive discussions over a cup of tea with the people who intend to crush you. Former Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras is reportedly still confused as to why his plans were unsuccessful. An unnamed source close to Tsipras claims to have seen him in fierce discussion with Euclid Tsakalatos, former Minister of Finance and successor to Yanis Varoufakis, named “sexiest Greek alive” and “sexiest motorcyclist alive” by People Magazine Ellas. Tsipras was reported to have desperately shouted “why did we not serve them coffee and some sweets too? Should we have brought more olive oil and feta cheese for Schäuble? Should I have changed my name in Tsopanis, so Hamdi Ulukaya could have helped us out like he did Kobanê?”

The international response to developments has been mixed. On the one hand, proven revolutionaries like Leo Panitch, whose credentials of training revolutionaries how to use AK-47s in his Toronto basement are well known and widely admired, were still trying to blame everyone but the Syriza leadership for Syriza’s failed politics, and the most “movementist” components of the organized German Left such as Interventionistische Linke and the Blockupy alliance were supporting the political line of the Syriza leadership using the most statist and bureaucratic logic available to them, thus proving they were more Marxist than everyone else, as one must “dive into the manure of contradictions whilst engaging with realpolitik.”

On the other hand, CWI affiliates around the world continue to praise their Greek section Xekinima for its bold decision to leave Syriza and then cry about how Syriza leadership fails to reflect their views.

Additionally, Stefan Engel, chairman of the MLPD and winner of “most fuckable flabby white guy” at the International Communist Awards five years running (since he dethroned Slavoj Žižek after the formation of ICOR) convened a press conference in Berlin, at which he stated “KOE. I will not be taking any questions”, and promptly left.

Since the left wing of Syriza finally broke away from the party to form Popular Unity, Greek affairs have grown more complex still. Thankfully, the KKE came to the rescue: Dimitris Koutsoumpas, General Secretary of the Central Committee, spoke at a press conference, referencing Ancient Greek philosophy: “We Greeks invented dialectics and so we understand it better than anyone. We are the most dialectical, on racial grounds.” He quoted Heraclitus’s famous dictum that “you cannot step twice into the same river” and added, that “unfortunately, too many Greeks today have been de-Hellenised by EU colonialism and are thus too stupid to understand that. These are the ones who will vote for Popular Unity.” When our reporter at the press conference noted that Heraclitus’s saying may indicate almost the exact opposite conclusion to the one proposed by Koutsoumpas, he responded: “Well, that’s just more proof that you cannot trust petty bourgeois individualist enemies of the people like Heraclitus.”

However, as the average Greek on the street will readily tell you, the KKE’s unparallelled insights put them head and shoulders above all political competition, and they needn’t stoop to “pointless discussion of such moronic concepts as philosophy”. To shed light on the latest confusion. Koutsoumpas declared that the party will release a scale of “different forms and levels of deceitful and obfuscationist anti-people factions.” This scale is supposed to provide the party and the people which it so self-evidently leads orientation in these dark times. “It’s actually quite simple,” Koutsoumpas explained, “everyone but us is an enemy of the people. Syriza and now Popular Unity are just the ‘left’ reserve of the system. There is no difference between any of them, they just dress up in different clothes.” Asked how the people could make use of this scale, he responded: “If you’re curious about a given faction of the Greek left outside of KKE, check our scale, and you’ll see that they are indeed enemies of the people. They just differ in degree of deception of the people. Being on the scale makes something true, so we put true things on the scale.”

“There’s your goddamned dialectics.”

Asked how the KKE intended to concretely engage the current dynamics, Koutsoumpas was visibly stunned. “Isn’t that obvious? We have to strengthen our movement and in order to do that we will form anti-monopolistic and pro-people alliances. We will soon release a catalogue of criteria of political positions that qualify for such an alliance. It is a little bit more complicated than the scale I told you about before.”

After repeated attempts by reporters to glean some cursory summary of what kind of criteria the KKE was looking for, Koutsoumpas gave in and stated: “Alright, if you must know, I can say this much: It would be really helpful if everyone seeking an alliance with us agrees with our party line on every major issue, including our predetermined role as sole saviours of the Greek nation. This is because our party line is quite simply correct on every major issue. And, you know, it’s like Marx said: Die Partei, die Partei, die hat immer recht.” He concluded the press conference by taking a shoe that he had kept on the table throughout the press conference and placing it on his bare foot, thus demonstrating his absolute lack of revisionism.