Clinton Supporters Establish Middle Korea

MiddleKorea

THE JOINT SECURITY AREA, KOREA – In what is being billed as a heroic gesture of good will by the Clinton campaign, and a poorly thought-through intervention in the internal affairs of another country which serves to foreshadow what Clinton’s rule will be like by nearly all sections of the US Left, Clinton supporters have travelled to Korea to reunite it through the establishment of a third state claimant to legitimate authority over the Korean Peninsula.

The Somewhat Popular, Somewhat Democratic Republic of Korea (SPSDRK), colloquially to be known as “Middle Korea”, was established in the dead of night by a crack team of Clinton supporters who constructed the various government offices and military emplacements in the middle of the Korean Demilitarised Zone under fire from both DPRK and ROK troops.

One 26-year-old “Hillary for America” supporter, Lorenzo O’Hanrahan, pointed to recent polls giving his preferred candidate “an unassailable lead over Trump”: “There seem to be no outstanding political issues in the US; the common-sense candidate is prevailing. So it seemed to be our duty to travel to a part of the world where pragmatism is less evident.”

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been appointed the first President of the SPSDRK. Stating that “our Korea is already the most popular Korea” and pointing out that it was “clearly the Korea with the most experience in both foreign and domestic US politics, and far more moderate than the competition,” President Schultz predicted the new Korean state would control the entire Korean Peninsula by the end of Hillary Clinton’s second term.

Former Democratic Presidential candidate and born-again Independent Bernie Sanders hailed the new state as “an example of the sort of grassroots initiative that we need to bring about real change that people crave”. He called on his “comrades in the CPC to do everything possible to work with us to help turn Middle Korea into a Scandinavian socialist democracy”.

Not to be one-upped, Donald Trump has promised that in the event of his election victory, he will run for the offices of President of the Republic of Korea and Premier of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, on a platform of “mak[ing] Korea great again”.

Unfortunately, neither government of the two longer-established states on the Korean Peninsula responded favourably to the intrusion, with the DPRK announcing a series of military exercises and ballistic missile tests, and the ROK issuing a cryptic statement warning Hillary Clinton supporters not to leave any fans switched on any time soon.

UPDATE: UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has responded to the establishment of “Middle Korea” by stating that the entire international community should stand behind what is now clearly the only option for the reunification of the Korean Peninsula. Further, he has proposed solving the Cyprus problem by handing over control of the entire island to the Turkish Orthodox Church.

North Korea to Laos: “Chat Shit, Get Banged”

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VIENTIANE – Following a tense meeting earlier this week over the DPRK’s nuclear programme, in which the Chinese social imperialists attempted to convince the modern revisionists of North Korea to “calm the fuck down, blood”, members of the ASEAN Regional Forum (headed by this year’s chair country, the imperialist stooges known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic) issued a statement expressing “concern” over the “threat” posed by the DPRK’s nuclear arsenal.

“That’s it, then is it, fam? What about the ‘threat’ posed by China’s nuclear weapons, or the US’s nuclear weapons, or Russia, or all of them man them, blood?” enquired the North Korean representative in Vientiane.

“You think this is a game, son? Chat shit, get banged!” he concluded.

Representatives of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party were quick to respond: “You’re fucking this up for all of us, fam! We’re out here, trying to feed our kids and that, fam. No Soviet Union looking after us any more, innit? You think you can just start shit whenever you want, and China will look after you, innit? Well we’re not having it fam! We’ve got our own shit to look after. So there’s your independence, innit? INNIT? INNIT?”

“Come over here and say that to my face, batty bwoy,” responded the North Korean representative.

When reached for comment, CPGB-ML chairman Harpal Brar agreed that “all provocations against the DPRK should be regarded as imperialist breaches of Korean sovereignty, and will result in the harshest possible press releases from the CPGB-ML.”

“BRRRRRRRRRAP!” added “vice-chairman” Ella Rule.

Workers’ Party of Korea Regret Not Corresponding with Bookchin

KimAndMurray

PYONGYANG – Behind-the-scenes sources from the 7th congress of the Workers’ Party of Korea report that the party is far more interested in sub-state developments in anti-imperialist trends than previously thought. It seems that many members of the party have been feverishly discussing for days the popularity of the Kurdish liberation movement led by Abdullah Öcalan in light of their stunning victories in Rojava.

“Why didn’t we correspond with Bookchin? Then North Korea could have actual defenders in fashionable left circles around the world, instead of just the CPGB-ML,” said Hwang Pyong-so.

“Oh, and the RCPB-ML. HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY FORGET THEM?”

“These solidarity missions to Rojava really upset us, why can’t ICOR try and ‘break the siege’ on North Korea? We’re only up against the fucking UN!” seethed Kim Yo-jong as she paced back and forth before a Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he furiously scribbled notes.

“But it’s our fault, we cut ourselves off from developments on the ground in imperialist countries, and now we’re losing out. Other than that, we’re pretty much the same as the PYD: We both abandoned historical materialism in favour of a basically anti-imperialist state model, we both have our catchy name for it: Juche and Democratic Confederalism.

“We tried sending a delegation to Qamişlo to get advice. The Kurds promised to introduce us to their people in Berlin in exchange for mountains of aid. Again, being embargoed by the UN here.”

Sources report that Kim Jong-un is still optimistic. “It’s not too late. We have a lot of people in Japan. We can turn Tokyo into our Berlin,” he is reported to have told a close confidant.

“Oh, who am I kidding? It’s back to waiting for the economic crisis in the south to deepen.”

Beyoncé Defending North Korea Now

Beyonce

NEW YORK CITY – Pop singer and cultural icon Beyoncé has finally weighed in on the issue all leftists in the United States were waiting with baited breath to hear her views on: the DPRK.

“Obviously on some level North Korea has descended into revisionism. It’s enough to read Bill Bland’s work to know that. While I don’t agree with his entire theoretical output, on the DPRK I can say we more or less have unity.

“I’m not going to pretend that Juche doesn’t deviate from some fairly core Marxist-Leninist principles, and the DPRK’s decision to put this at the centre of their theory and practice is cause for serious concern, but we still have to defend the DPRK against the imperialists, whose anger at the DPRK is not explainable by the so-called ‘dictatorship’ in place there, but rather by the profit motive which drives them to exploit all the resources of Korea, including the labour force, without any resistance.

“On the other hand, I don’t know if it’s so simple that we should claim we defend revisionist socialisms, as it were, on anti-imperialist grounds alone. This is an almost positivist approach to class struggle which we, as dialectical materialists, should have moved beyond.

“It’s quite vulgar to simply cast ourselves as the pure anti-revisionists against the revisionists. We’d scarcely be better than Trotskyites in that case. No, revisionism is a complex process and if we really want to struggle against revisionism, we have to engage more deeply with our comrades in Korea than those who simply wash their hands of the matter.

“Regardless, whether or not the Workers’ Party of Korea can be rectified and brought back into the fold of the proletarian ideology, I would like to endorse Kim Yo-jong to replace her brother should anything happen to him.

“Who run the world? Girls!”

“Why no love for Laos?” Asks Lao People’s Revolutionary Party

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VIENTIANE – In an emergency statement released to the IMCWP, the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party expressed its frustration that their contributions to revisionist Marxism-Leninism were going unrecognised compared to other revisionist parties in power in East and Southeast Asia.

“What are we doing wrong? North Korea has all the fun, with CPGB-ML, RCPB-ML, and the NCP all vying for their affection in London, and KP in Turkey won’t shut up about them either.”

“Okay, we’ll grant you that North Korea is pretty hard compared to most of the IMCWP parties, but Vietnam is on about the same track as us and they still get referenced constantly because of the Resistance War Against America. Like we didn’t fight imperialism.”

“And China! Don’t even get us started about China. Those bastards really made every effort to sell out on the international stage, but Turkey has Doğu Perinçek unashamedly calling himself a Dengist! Why not Laos, Doğu? Why not Laos?”

“We’ll grant you that Workers World Party in the US and the NCP in the UK mention us, but we’re always an afterthought. Laos is cool too! We have better food than the Vietnamese, why not come to a state-sponsored banquet in London, NCP? Publicise it, we can invite Jeremy Corbyn!”

“We’re not even gonna try to reach out to those traitors in the CPB.”

Response from several of the groups called out by the LPRP was swift. From Turkey, Doğu Perinçek stated that he would be happy to invite a Laotian delegation to an event condemning the “imperialist lie” of the “so-called ‘Armenian Genocide'”, while the Komünist Parti (the most IMCWP-ish of the various TKP split groups) stated that they had formed a Laos fact-finding committee, whose first task was to locate Laos on a map. Afterwards, it is to carry out further research to see if Laos “has what it takes to inspire the hardened revolutionaries of KP”.

From the UK, the NCP responded positively, stating that they hadn’t intended to hurt Laos’s feelings, or indeed anyone’s feelings ever, and that they would try to arrange an event along the lines of the one described by the “fraternal” LPRP, but warned that “the UK Party of Labour”s joining of ICOR made prospects for attracting Jeremy Corbyn’s attention slim, particularly in light of how hard he is to even reach lately, holed up as he is in his Islington bunker.

News in Brief: October 21st 2015

FlagandLenin

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – A group of Marxist Turkish students in Cambridge has welcomed its newest member, one Selim Karlıdağ, a high school friend of one of the other students. The post-doctoral student Karlıdağ, being of bourgeois family background and having completed his PhD studies in England, made a grievous faux pas the first day by saying something non-hostile about Leon Trotsky. At present, all of his statements are being rigorously analysed for signs that he might be a Trotskyist, in case deprogramming measures need to be employed.

PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO – Local sympathisers of ICOR affiliate Partija Rada attended a protest organised by Demokratski front, a right-wing party which advocates union with Serbia. On the one hand, their total opposition to the Montenegrin government prevented them from staging a counter-protest, but on the other, their unequivocal Marxist-Leninist stance prevented them from joining the protest per se. It was therefore decided that they would attend under the slogan “Neither NATO nor Belgrade, but socialism in Montenegro!” and engage in public self-flagellation.

MOUNT KUMGANG, THE ONE TRUE KOREA – Korean families physically divided for decades came together for tearful reunions at the mountain resort of Mount Kumgang this week, only to tragically find themselves divided on ideological lines as the Koreans from the north found that their southern relatives had been reading up on communist ideology prior to the visit, and had become Hoxhaites. South Korean citizen Park Areum spent approximately an hour trying to convince her long-lost cousin Park Chol Kun of the “revisionist” quality of Juche ideology, and the need to return to “correct, principled Marxist-Leninist positions,” to no avail. Future reunion meetings have been postponed until such a time as a communist party can be formed in South Korea which may send delegates to the north to bridge the theoretical gap.

TEL AVIV – Israeli Prime Minister and unconvicted mass murderer Benjamin Netanyahu decided to cover all his bases in his efforts to demonise the Palestinians and stated that every single one of Stalin’s policies were actually fed to him by the true leader of the Soviet Union: Palestinian Grand Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini. Said Netanyahu: “If you look at Palestine before the Jews arrived, it was basically the Soviet Union. Rapid industrialisation, the slogan of socialism in one country, the plan to establish the DDR, these were all the Grand Mufti’s ideas long before Stalin got them.”

BIRMINGHAM – Last night, Birmingham City University students and CPGB-ML members Lennox Harris and Catherine Campbell engaged in sexual congress in the latter’s dormitory room. As Harris began to worry about climaxing too quickly, he distracted himself by thinking about dialectics, only to be foiled when he remembered that quantitative change leads to qualitative change.