TKP Name Contested Again, Zuckerberg Weighs In

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İSTANBUL – Following over two years of increasing distance between the originally relatively amicable split in the revisionist organisation that was at the time simply referred to as the TKP (Communist Party of Turkey), tensions have flared up between KP (Communist Party, which would usually append “Turkey”, mostly to remind Kurds that they were the anti-Kurdish group formerly known as TKP, and not the tiny Kaypakkayacı outfit known as KP-İÖ) and the HTKP (People’s Communist Party of Turkey, known for having less people), following the latter’s announcement that they would be reclaiming the name TKP for themselves.

The former HTKP have legitimised their decision to declare themselves TKP without consulting KP by stating that the latter had been engaged in secret talks with the state regarding reclaiming the name. Knowing KP, who are constantly engaged in talks with the state about how to be as against Kurdish nationalism as possible, this is indeed likely. HTKP have backed up their decision by registering themselves with a far more legitimate source: Facebook.

Zuckerberg was ambushed for comment at a local Chinese restaurant where he was enjoying his Christmas dinner: “As a Brezhnevite myself, obviously I’m deeply concerned with these developments. It is Facebook’s official position that HTKP is now the legitimate Communist Party of Turkey. Erkan Baş is a dear comrade, and I will stand with him against any force on Earth. Now can I finish my 三杯雞?”

However, other forces have aligned behind the KP, with the TKH claiming that the HTKP’s move was “opportunist”, “infantile”, and “revisionist” [Editor’s note: ???].

Reaction from Dersim, the most communist place on Earth, however, may indicate that the KP is outnumbered. DHF-affiliated “TKP” mayor Maçoğlu tweeted a multi-part reaction which said: “When I was elected communist mayor of this municipality, there was a TKP whose name we were using, and that was fine at the time. But I had since gotten used to the TKP’s split meaning that it was obvious even to İzmir kids that I was some kind of Maoist. If they’re going to fight over who gets to be the TKP, and I have to choose a side, I guess I’ll go with Erkan Baş’s side, just because of our shared top quality moustaches, and because he’s the only nice person to affiliate with ‘TKP’ in decades.”

With Hüseyin Karabulut remaining silent as of press time, no neutral arbiter could be found within the Brezhenvite camp to resolve this conundrum, and multiple voices from the associated Turkish left merely contradict one another. Worker’s Spatula, the only objective news source covering the world revolutionary movement, could not let down our loyal readers without resolving the important question as who will be the heirs to the name associated with Mustafa Suphi. Our German correspondents got a hold of Stefan Engel, who was already extremely drunk on account of all the Christmas, but managed to slur out a German saying which we are to believe was intended as a kind of Nostradamic prophecy:

“Wenn zwei sich streiten freut sich der Dritte!”

The dialectic, which reveals itself through German expressions slurred out by a drunk Stefan Engel, has therefore revealed that TKP-1920 are to be the official heirs to Mustafa Suphi’s TKP legacy. HTKP is to join TÖPG and the KP is to rename itself Vatan Partisi (Marxist-Leninist).

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite! And Merry Christmas!

KKE Leaves Syriza

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ATHENS – Following a lengthy debate at all levels over the past four years since the declaration of Syriza as a “party”, the Brezhnevite organisation known as the KKE has finally decided to leave Syriza and consider other options of engagement with bourgeois elections:

“Obviously, at the beginning, during the protests in the squares, we just wanted to unite in principled struggle with the people, rather than standing on the sidelines and preaching insane levels of purity, including the scolding of individual protesters, like a bunch of Trotskyites. So naturally we were very close to Syriza in those days,” explained a party spokesman sporting an extremely stylish Fidel Castro shirt.

“When it came time for Syriza to take part in elections, well, since we’ve always emphasised the importance of elections on the one hand and the legacy of Stalin and Brezhnev on the other, we simply had to take part in this clear example of popular front action.

“But lately we’re starting to consider that Syriza might have outlived its usefulness, and so we’re looking into perhaps joining Popular Unity, or Antarsya, or perhaps hosting some talks about the terms of a possible electoral alliance between the two.

“Anything to move beyond the sectarianism we’ve long condemned and provide a real way forward for our beloved Greek people, for whom we would sacrifice our very lives.”

Reactions from the rest of the Greek left have been mostly negative, with Greek Prime Minister or whatever he is Alexis Tsipras condemning the action as “ultra-left deviation by our last real friends in the EU, and the group on whom all of our hopes were so strongly pinned.

“Also, Koutsoumpas’s hair looks fucking terrible. This is why I get to be in charge and nobody’s even heard of you. I look like a sexy oil wrestler’s wet dream and you look like some kind of uncle from one of those countries where uncles don’t even grow moustaches.”

From the other side, Popular Unity and Antarsya were able to unite, but only in the action of releasing a joint statement condemning the KKE’s attempts at moving closer to them:

“There will never be a place for the KKE in Popular Unity or Antarsya. Both of our principles of unity clearly state that you must believe the Soviet Union went bad when either Lenin or Stalin died. It is simply unbefitting a Greek communist organisation to be able to explain your position on the Soviet Union without reference to any specific years.

“Frankly, you’re just not dialectical enough for us.”

Like everything else the KKE does, it is expected that the anti-Kurdish hate group KP and various “parties” in English-speaking countries will fall over themselves in sharing this latest example of heroism by the last real proletarian revolutionaries in Greece, the KKE.

KP Visitor to Diyarbekir Disgusted by Headscarved Woman

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DIYARBEKIR/AMED – Ankara “Komünist Parti” cadre Cenk Uğur visited Diyarbekir today, to take in the political culture and make a rational analysis, as well as meet local KP comrades in their office.

Of particular note was the presence of ESP in the city, whose rhetoric and mannerisms Uğur felt especially unbecoming of a supposedly revolutionary socialist organisation:

“Can you believe they had a headscarved woman in their midst? I mean, you guys don’t seem to have any women at all in your ranks, but if you did I’m sure you’d agree with me that they should be completely secular, just like our vision of socialism for Turkey,” explained Uğur to his nodding comrades.

“Well what do you expect from ESP, comrade? They don’t understand socialism like we do. They’re vulgar Kurdish nationalists, so they dress and act and think and talk exactly like the DBP,” responded Şîrvan Öztürk, the apparent leader of the Diyarbekir KP group.

“We need to leave behind all our old prejudices, whether bourgeois Kurdish nationalism or Islam, and build a totally new society. This is what makes the KP special.”

Uğur left very disappointed with Diyarbekir as a whole, but consoled himself with the high quality of his new comrades. Following Uğur’s departure, local KP cadres wasted no time in looking up their new comrade on Facebook, where they harshly judged his sister’s “whorish” appearance.

At press time, Uğur had received friend requests from all the KP cadres in Diyarbekir, along with this message from Öztürk:

It was great meeting you today, comrade. I hope we’ll be able to come out to Ankara to see you, your comrades, and your family. Long live socialism!

Street Fights Continue Following TÖPG Declaration of People’s Republic of Hatay

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İSKENDERUN, HATAY – Sporadic violence continues following the declaration on Râs is-Seni of the People’s Republic of Hatay, a breakaway state which has been declared taking advantage of the rest of Turkey’s attention being drawn towards Kurdistan by state massacres there. TÖPG, the largest organisation in Hatay and now the ruling party of the de facto republic, has ordered its forces only to respond with arms to armed threats, but provocation by MHP gangs have resulted in street brawls for days.

“Watan bülinmez!” shrieked a neighbourhood reis as he hurled himself towards a crowd emerging from the Halk Meclisi, only to limp off moments later, badly bruised.

Hatay, an island of democratic centralism in a sea of democratic confederalism, is not immune to spillover from Syria. The Syrian Social Nationalist Party has successfully put down roots in İskenderun. The SSNP has joined clashes with the MHP and TÖPG, in the hopes of establishing its own leather-jacketed street hegemony.

“We’re glad Hatay has been liberated from the Ottomans at last,” local SSNP militant Butros Çalışkan informed us. “But now these yellow bastards want to build some new soviet union in the Middle East. The people of Hatay have waited too long for a united Syria to have their hopes dashed now. We’re going to wipe out the communists and retake Cyprus. After that, wiping out ISIS and Israel should be easy.”

Local TÖPG comrades are confident that they have the support of the people of Hatay, and that the fascists will be quickly eliminated. “More and more volunteers are coming every day from Adana and Mersin,” we were informed. “But their Arabic is just the worst.”

KP’s Hatay section issued their customary condemnation of any nationalism other than Turkish nationalism, which read in part as follows:

“We may not have the biggest following in Hatay, but that’s because the workers down here aren’t conscious enough, as evidenced by their division of the Turkish working class, which around here happens to speak Arabic.”

Clinton or Sanders – Cuban Revolutionaries Split over Who to Endorse

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HAVANA – What has not been achieved by decades of embargo and open low-intensity warfare might now be happening as an effect of the Democratic primaries. Reports have surfaced on splits within leading ranks of the Communist Party of Cuba over who to endorse in the race.

Raúl Castro made a speech favourable toward Sanders. He stated that he viewed Sanders’s extremely moderate welfare state proposals as a significant upgrade over previous US policy. Further, he stated that in the US context, “nothing could be more revolutionary” than Sanders’s official position that the US should be closer to Cuba on the grounds that it will be more profitable for US capitalists. He concluded by saying: “For decades we did not have to care about who was elected US president and we rightly denounced the whole US ruling class, but now we do have to care and I guess I like Sanders.”

Raúl’s statements prompted a sharp response by his brother Fidel, the maximo leader of the Cuban revolution, and widely regarded as the first modern hipster. In his regular column Reflexiones he wrote: “Raul is still young, but he should actually be aware of what I am going to say. I happen to know a thing or two about US presidents and their relationship to Cuba. And in this upcoming election, I guarantee you that the best choice for the revolution in Cuba is Hillary Clinton. Here is why: First, you want a president who is violently pro-capitalist at home, thereby sharpening the contradictions, and not too hawkish towards us in foreign policy. This is clearly Hillary Clinton and not Sanders. Oh sure, Clinton is an imperialist like the rest of them, but Sanders has to overcompensate on foreign policy, and after what he said about Chavez, I am convinced that he will seek to invade Cuba first thing after being sworn in as president.

“Secondly, We know from history that all US Presidents without a beard were hostile to the Cuban revolution. Which is understandable, considering how formidable our beards were. Just look at pictures of me, or Che, or Camilo Cienfuegos. Hillary is a woman, so she is exempt from that. This is why I am endorsing Clinton. Behind Raúl’s sympathy for Sanders I detect his own ambitions for liberalisation and a moderate welfare state, views which I am sure are closely related to his weak choice of beard. Raul has to grow a beard soon, or it’s all over for Cuba.”

International reactions to this debate were swift: The US-based part-time Trotskyist Cuba-fetishist party and elderly confused Marxist bridge club known as the Socialist Workers Party issued a statement calling for “understanding between the two factions in Cuba”, and expressing its hope that when “militant feminist activist Hillary Clinton” is inevitably named the Democratic Party’s candidate for 2016, she can name Sanders her vice-presidential candidate and form a “popular front for the liberation of the United States”, supported by all Cuban comrades.

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro immediately took to the airwaves to declare his support for Fidel’s support for Hillary: “Clearly, the Venezuelan counter-revolution loves Sanders for his comments on our Comandante. I have no idea what Hillary is going to do, but it can’t be worse for us than Sanders, I suppose. Also, Fidel is probably right about the beard business. We also failed to go beyond a managed capitalism, and neither the Comandante nor I had a beard. I thought the Stalin moustache would cut it, but no. Clearly beards are a must for any Latin American revolutionary.

“Well now the whole thing is falling on our heads. In fact, I suspect that the negative results of the recent elections were a consequence of foreign intervention lead by Sanders. It seems that Raúl wants to join in the international conspiracy against Venezuela. To this I say: ¡Viva Fidel! ¡No Pasarán!”

Evo Morales did not comment on the situation directly, but reportedly sent a package with leaves from an unknown tree to Cuba in order to ease the situation. The Komünist Parti in Turkey issued a statement saying that they would support whatever and whoever the Cuban leadership supports, while they also clarified – in spite of its lack of relationship to the topic at hand – that they were opposed to Pan-Kurdism and Kurdish nationalism in general and that the only way to resolve the Kurdish problem in Turkey was a rallying of Kurdish and Turkish workers together under the revolutionary socialist banner of the KP.

Vladimir Putin assured the Cuban leadership that in the case of a Sanders victory, he would station nuclear missiles in Cuba in order to defend it against potential US aggression.

Doğu Perinçek Champions Amnesty International Report

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ANKARA – Following the release of a controversial report by Israel’s favourite Human Rights organisation, Amnesty International, on alleged destruction of Arab villages by PYD forces, known piece of shit Doğu Perinçek, chair of the Vatan Partisi (Homeland Party), released a video statement condemning the PYD’s “crimes against Turkey”.

“The PYD is trying to divide Turkey by killing Syrian Arabs. They’re committing genocide against the Syrian Arabs and they’re doing it because they’re agents of the Americans. Amnesty International are also agents of the Americans, but this time they’re right, because since the Russians are now supporting the PYD, that means that the rules of the game have changed, and Amnesty International must also be agents of the Russians, and therefore objective.”

Amnesty International has called on the PYD, and no one else in Syria, to pay compensation to their alleged victims. In a not at all suspiciously timed video, the PYD is accused of systematic destruction of Arab villages which are simultaneously “far from the fighting” and covered in ISIS placards, simply because they are Arab, and also perhaps because of political collaboration with the totally secular and progressive forces of the not-at-all sectarian FSA. Doğu Perinçek continued with his analysis:

“The AKP was talking about PYD genocide against the Palestinians, or Syrians, or whatever, months ago. This shows how trustworthy the information is. The people who disagree with the AKP are all agents of the Americans, unlike the AKP, which is fighting for Turkey’s sovereignty against the forces of the deep state, as everyone understood during the Ergenekon trials.”

At this point in the video, Perinçek looks off-camera, as if he has received a signal, says “Okay”, and then turns back to the camera and says: “Except when we say they’re not, of course.”

After a few more suitably self-conradictory statements, Perinçek concluded by announcing “Long live Marxism-Leninism-Deng Xiaoping Thought!” , raising his hand instinctively into a wolf gesture, and then quickly self-correcting to a clenched fist.

Reaction from the actual Turkish left was swift, with groups ranging in their views from ESP to BDSP, and in size from EMEP to TÖPG, issuing response statements condemning Perinçek’s words, “indeed, almost all words he’s ever spoken”. Grup Munzur released a song entitled “Comrade İbrahim was Right, Comrades”, which contains the following stirring lines:

In Diyarbakır prison, Comrade İbrahim was tortured.

That Doğu Perinçek was a traitor, he knew before anyone.

As Comrade İbrahim lay dying, said he:

“I was the one who hated Perinçek first.”

Even Islamic liberation theologian İhsan Eliaçık issued a statement, including within it his feelings on the recent bombing in Ankara:

“That we live in a world where over a hundred good-hearted people can have their lives taken away like that, in the middle of Ankara, while Doğu Perinçek is allowed to live… Well, to be honest, it’s caused me to question my faith in God.”

Surprisingly, even the arch-tirşikçî KP condemned Perinçek’s rhetoric as “divisive”. A representative of the KP, Ömer Akbıyık, had this to say:

“We condemn Perinçek’s naked attempts at currying favour with the AKP government by parroting the propaganda claims of the imperialists. But what can you expect from a reformist party like Vatan Partisi? They are not serious revolutionaries like us. All they ever do is run their small party in elections and make grand statements about what they would do if they were in power, which they obviously never will be, accusing all other political actors of left deviationism for any tactics which actually command the respect of any sizeable portion of the proletariat. It’s clear that any party like that are mere agents of the Turkish state meant to distract the Turkish left from its historic mission of building socialism in Turkey.”

Confusingly, the other half of the TKP split, HTKP, released their own statement saying that their members were free to agree with Perinçek or Akbıyık, then condemning the first statement as liberal and calling for the purging of all members who agreed with Perinçek, who are expected to form their own party, HVP, later this week.