ÖDP: Support the Spanish State Against Imperialism!

ODPlileridovelim

The following is a translation by Worker’s Spatula of the ÖDP’s declaration on the Spanish state’s suppression of the Catalan national movement’s attempts to exercise their right to self-determination:

The aim of imperialism in Iberia, as in the Middle East and everywhere else in the world, is to divide and weaken independent states in order to rule them more easily. Thus, imperialism supports separatist referendums all over the world from “Southern Kurdistan” (North Iraq) to “Catalonia” (East Spain).

In principle, our party supports the right of nations to self-determination. However, in practice, there can be no self-determination as long as imperialism exists. Thus, it is necessary for progressive forces to support strong independent states that can resist imperialism, whether or not they actually do resist imperialism.

Just as it is necessary to have a strong Iraqi state that can theoretically stand up to US imperialism and oppose its Greater Middle East project, it is necessary to support a strong Spanish state that can follow a politics independent from US and German imperialism. Just as the existence of the Kurdish nation weakens the ability of the Turkish state to resist imperialism, the Basque and Catalan separatist endeavours weaken the ability of the Spanish state to resist imperialism.

Instead of illegitimate referendums, the illegitimate Basque and Catalan people should strive for socialism in the legitimate Spanish state and for brotherhood with the legitimate Spanish people. The Spanish people, of course, are free to do as they like, as they have already achieved their national independence, a great step forward for resisting imperialism.

What is needed is not a weak Catalonia, but a democratic national unity in Spain. We call on the Spanish state to redouble their efforts to crush imperialism in the form of the so-called Catalan “nation”!

Long Live the Brotherhood of the Spanish and Catalan People! Down with the great nation chauvinism of the Catalans!
Long Live a Fully Independent Spain! Workers of the world, unite with the oppressed Spanish people against Catalan fascism!

–ÖDP Leadership

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Happy Mother’s Day from Worker’s Spatula

IvanaMama

“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!”

“Oh, thank you so much sweetie, you really didn’t have to…”

“Go on, Mom, open it, open it!”

Worker’s Spatula’s Oakland correspondent watched excitedly as her mother opened up the long box.

“It looks like some kind of bazooka!” exclaimed our correspondent’s mother, sitting up in bed. Our correspondent rolled her eyes:

“Mom, don’t be ignorant, a Kalashnikov and a bazooka are entirely different weapons.”

“Well I’ve never held one of either before, have I?”

“Mom, we’ve got to fight ISIS.”

“I thought we were going out for mimosas!”

“We’re going to have brunch on the flight to Iraq, which I’ve also paid for.”

“Oh shoot, I don’t know about all that. I had really just wanted some mimosas and maybe some avocado toast.”

“Mom, don’t you see, what we’re fighting for is the right of all women to drink mimosas. We’re fighting to the defence of Yezidi children from the fascist ISIS thugs. This is for the Cumartesi Anneleri and the democratic revolution in Turkey, not only the Roja Rizgariyê of the ezilen Kürt halkı. This is the most dialectical Mother’s Day gift I could possibly give you!”

“[REDACTED], I don’t want you to misunderstand me on this, because you know I support you in all your little… projects, but I don’t actually know what some of those words mean. I’m pretty sure a few of them weren’t actually English.”

At this juncture, our Oakland correspondent snatched the rifle from her mother’s hands. “Whatever, Mom.”

“No, I didn’t mean to say I didn’t like it!”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, MOM? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LIKE SOMETHING? IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON’T SEE YOUR REFLECTION IN IT! YOU’RE ALIENATED FROM MY WONDERFUL MOTHER’S DAY GIFT OF REVOLUTION, WHICH MEANS I HAVE FAILED AS A DAUGHTER AND AS A REVOLUTIONARY VANGUARD.”

“No, you’re a wonderful voluntary van guard! Really!”

“I don’t WANT to be a voluntarist, mother!” shrieked our correspondent, letting off several rounds into the ceiling in rage. “God, I wish I was never born!”

Our correspondent’s mother sat in silence in her bedroom, watching the dust float down from the bullet holes in the ceiling.

[REDACTED] poked her head back through the doorway sheepishly, “So, um… should I go get the car and we can go get some omelettes or something?”

“That sounds wonderful, sweetie. I’ll just get dressed real quick.”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OUR COMRADE MOTHERS WHO HAVE MADE US WHO WE ARE TODAY.

SOLIDARITY WITH THE CUMARTESİ ANNELERİ.

Spanish State Begging ETA to Rearm

ETA

BILBAO – Following an announcement of a unilateral decommissioning of arms by the left-wing Basque national liberation group known as ETA (Basque Country and Freedom), the Spanish state, fearing increasing economic instability as the EU begins to disintegrate around them, are apparently trying to convince their enemies to rearm.

“We’ve received dozens of letters from various PSOE and PP politicians urging us to set off a bomb or shoot a cop or something. At first we thought it was some kind of joke, and then we remembered the reason why we’re disarming in the first place: we’re supposedly delegitimising the Abertzale left,” explained our masked interlocutor, as he poured boxes full of bullets into a roaring bonfire.

“Now whenever I wake up and find a bomb on my doorstep, I understand it’s not a threat, but a gift from the PP who are concerned about their own electoral future.”

“EYYY Spain, don’t think we don’t know what you’re doing!” exclaimed Erdoğan, in a televised interview where he explained international politics in his usual accurate fashion to the population of Turkey. “The Spanish are having the Basques give their guns to the Kurds because they’re jealous of our world class bridges! If the Spanish respected their Turkish-Andalusian heritage, they would blow some Basque town off the map!”

At this juncture, most non-Turkish readers probably assume that we’re just ascribing a random selection of words to Turkish president Erdoğan, rather than giving a fairly accurate impression of how his speeches usually go. We assure you, this is how Erdoğan actually talks and behaves.

However, in stark contrast to the usual treatment of Erdoğan’s outbursts by state representatives abroad, Erdoğan’s advice is being considered quite seriously in Madrid. Our source in Madrid spoke to several ministers and their aides on condition of anonymity, and apparently launching a pointless war is in the cards for the PP-led government.

“We’re already on the verge of losing Gibraltar,” explained one anonymous source, “and nobody wants to risk losing Catalonia and the Basque Country too. But they refuse to acknowledge our modest demand to allow the Spanish state to determine its own future, and therefore we may be forced to take up arms against them.”

“Our main concern,” explained another source, “is that if we pull an Erdoğan and just launch a military operation against a group which has unilaterally declared a ceasefire, well in our case it’s worse, they’re disarming… it may backfire. Rather than delegitimising left Basque nationalism, it may relegitimise ETA itself.

“Our only hope,” our source explained, looking over their shoulder to make sure no one was listening before finishing, “is to blame the Russians. That seems to be working very well for left-liberals in the US against Trump, and we’re confident it can save Spain as well.”

News in Brief: March 11th 2017

NormieBrother

MANILA -Reports indicate that [REDACTED], a Worker’s Spatula correspondent formerly based in Malaysia and now based in the Philippines, is hosting his fucking normie brother, who is in town on a business trip.

At press time, the former’s ideology was almost revealed when the latter burst into his room unannounced. Although the CPP propaganda was quickly thrown under the bed, our comrade’s normie brother still requested to see it.

An initial attempt to quell interest failed when being told it was “just my porn” only piqued the normie brother’s interest. Our comrade then calculated that choosing this moment to come out of the closet would result in less family strife than the revelation of his communistic views, and the subject was quickly changed.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA – Caleb Maupin is reportedly touring county fairs in Nebraska and Iowa, attempting to convince the local white population that imitating China today is the path to social harmony and progress for the United States.

While he has been largely unsuccessful at converting others to his particular brand of “socialism”, the mission has not been without incident: a 23-year-old man driving an SUV responded to Maupin’s request to “learn about Deng Xiaoping” by saying “I don’t really like Chinese food”. Maupin later barely escaped a beating by a Trump supporter by informing the latter of his close ties with the Donald.

STEMBOL – As PKK leader Abdullah Öcalan’s isolation continues, sources in touch with his lawyer have become increasingly concerned that he may have been replaced by an “Ölacan” figure.

“I mean, my god, I have spoken to my good friend Abdullah Öcalan quite recently *sniff*,” explained Öcalan’s lawyer. “And, this is to say, as we used to say in Yugoslavia, you know, the thing is, he is writing a new book.”

The reported title of the book, apparently about the Imagined, the Symbolic, and the Real of Kurdistan, is “the Mirror Stage: Libidinal Dynamics of Anatolian Resistance”. Öcalan’s lawyer also shared with us the following “very dirty joke, but also, it is completely true and serious”: The cover of the book will be the famous painting from the İmralı cell, of a labia shaped approximately like the map of Kurdistan.

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND – Local teenage Marxist Frank Hobbes has elected to join the SPGB, making him the first young person to join the party in decades.

“I just wanted to be part of a party that understood that everything literally and immediately reduces to class, in the first and final instance, and no other discussion of theory or practice is helpful, or even interesting.”

Tragically, his best internet friend, Mark Anson, another teenage Marxist from Florida, is unable to find a local equivalent organisation in which to act out the part of the caricature of Marxism that anti-Marxist liberals believe the rest of us actually are.

Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

jesus-che

BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.

ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

toblerone

LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”.

Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

ypjeremy

LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

Fascist Counter-Protest Dispersed via Reverse Psychology

kurdistan

HAMBURG – A tense stand-off with some wolf-howling Turkish fascists counter-protesting a crowd of Kurdish and Turkish progressives who had been protesting the mass arrest of HDP parliamentarians ended unexpectedly peacefully today, thanks to the careful deployment of an unusual brand of reverse psychology by one Ronî Akbulut, a professional Kurdish troll.

The simmering tension between the two sides almost reached a head around 2:45 PM local time, when a particularly burly ülkücü positioned himself in front of Akbulut and a comrade and began cursing them as follows: “You PKK sons of bitches, I’ll fuck your cunts.”

While Akbulut’s comrade, who drew himself up so that his face was within mere centimetres of the face of his fascist foe, elected to curse back, Akbulut cleverly chose another tactic:

“No sir, I think you’ll find that it’s actually you who’s the PKK. You’re dividing Turkey.”

“What?” asked a nearby crowd of fascists, craning their necks so that they could better observe this startling turn of events.

“Yes,” explained Akbulut, “while I can see why you might think that we, with our Kurdish slogans and Apo flags and so forth, are the PKK, you’re the PKK. All of you. We’re actually Erdoğan.”

“You’re Erdoğan?” asked a confused bozkurt with a long ponytail.

“Yes. In fact, I am Turkey, and you’re dividing me with your terror. Türk ırkı sağolsun. Now go, and terrorise no more.”

Within minutes, all local MHPliler had returned to their animal skin-filled hideout in order to process their newfound identity crisis, while the Kurds and their red allies returned to protesting in peace.

“BIJÎ BIRATIYA GELAN! KURDISTAN GORISTAN JI BO FAŞÎSTAN!”

Dialectics “R” Us Speaks on the Duterte Situation

sison

UTRECHT, NETHERLANDS – “Do you want the short version or the long version?” Joma Sison, retired writer and passionate hobby gardener, contemplatively asks our WS correspondent, before continuing without waiting for an answer: “The short version of what Duterte is doing is: dialectics, dialectics, dialectics.

“Now, the long version is that he is diving into the manure of contradictions, which you have to do in realpolitik, and thus he is engaging in a dialectical politics with regard to Sino-American relations. And since dialectics is Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought – and we might add: Sisonism – he is displaying exemplary politics that should be supported by the CPP and the NDF.

“Not that I have any say in those organisations, but if I had, I would advise them to support him in his dialectical method. The Pilipino people are by their very nature dialectical thinkers and thus supporters of Mao Zedong Thought–Sisonism. Thus, the Pilipino people will support Duterte’s dialectics, but since – dialectically – this dialectic is basically the politics of the CPP it is safe to say that the CPP is actually in power in the Pilippines. This is the unique genius of Sisonism. Me – MABUHAY!”

Other voices were less enthusiastic about the confused statements of Rodrigo Duterte and the response of the Maoist government of the Philippines to this. Stefan Engel, the only person that can issue orders to God, responded to our request for a statement thus:

“Look, this is crap. If a guy like Duterte can confuse them, they should consider giving up. I was going to say they should join the fight in Kurdistan, where the enemy is clear. But then I think about the complex manoeuvring in Syria and Iraq between rival imperialist blocs, they’d just find some way to screw it up. So now I think they should collectively buy a massive garden in the Netherlands, which is basically Germany’s garden, and work on that.

“But hey, Joma will always be welcome in my official ICOR basement when Manny Pacquiao is on.”