Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD


LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

Communist Menace Just Silly Children Who Need to Grow up


LONDON – Following the military defeat of ISIS leader Owen Smith by guerrilla forces under the leadership of John McDonnell and composed primarily of Red London and Worker’s Spatula cadres, the latter have returned to their journalistic duties.

Among the surprises which met our English correspondents in their return to civilian life was the fact that the Welsh socialist group which may or may not still be known as Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr has yet to drive out British colonial rule through a Popple’s Wor, and the Scottish are still dragging their feet on secession as well.

So it looks like it’s up to England to save the day AGAIN.

However, communists in the UK can expect a bitter struggle within and beyond Corbyn’s anti-austerity political campaigns, not least because the communists are a dangerous element whose fanatical ideas could lead to the deaths of millions in Britain, and also because they are a marginal and infantile trend who will soon come to terms with the real world, grow up, and become Blairites themselves.

Yes, sources across the UK political spectrum, from the Tories to the Red Tories, agree that communists are all just idiotic student union members looking for attention that must not be taken seriously. Moreover, it is agreed that they constitute a real threat to the Labour Party and Britain that must be stopped.

“This is hardly a surprising development,” said UK politics analyst and Trotskyite extraordinaire Richard Seymour, when pressed for comment. “It’s well known that anything left of bourgeois centre in the UK is both a threat to our very way of life and also a passing fad barely worth a mention. Having Red London running about, waving red flags and singing about red flags and that, it’s definitely an issue for people who understand how much they alienate the entire population of Britain except a ragtag gang of student losers, and also understand that they will one day topple the British state and have us all killed for being revisionists or reactionaries of one sort or another.

“One needn’t look to the murderous hordes of Stalinists who control Wales and parts of London to see evidence of this fact: One need merely take note of Corbyn himself, whose fanatical support drowns out the need to discuss his troublesome lack of popularity which renders him fundamentally unelectable.

“This trend shows little chance of decline. I personally have been told to join the SWP three times today.”

As of press time, a group calling itself “the Red Hand of Blair” has claimed responsibility for a car bomb in Brighton which claimed the lives of several known Corbynite figures. The statement reads, in part: “We have been forced to take up arms to defend the fundamental moderation of the Labour Party from the unelectable views endorsed by the electorate. Dialectics, innit.”

Tom Watson to Speak at CPGB-ML Event


LONDON – As the urban guerrilla campaign led by Red London and English Worker’s Spatula correspondents in defence of the Corbyn leadership draws closer and closer to victory, Corbyn’s enemies are trying ever more creative methods to outmanoeuvre the insane communist bent on the destruction of all that Britain holds dear.

“We’re very excited to announce that Comrade Tom Watson will be speaking at a fundraising night for CPGB-ML at the DPRK embassy,” announced Harpal Brar. “Tom Watson has been a great aid to us in exposing the dark reality of Trotskyites supporting Corbyn, and as we know, the principal task of revolutionaries is to crush Trotskyism, wherever it shows its face.”

“I think it’s great,” said Red Youth Chairman and membership Michael Hughes. “I’m glad we’re finally taking the initiative to unite with others to crush the fascist Trotskyite menace once and for all. I’ve been saying we should do this for years. Personally, I cross picket lines all the time just to see the look on the fucking Trots’ faces when I do it.”

Although Watson and the CPGB-ML are united in their hatred of Corbyn and their belief that their conception of “the Trots” are “behind” him, it is not at all clear that British Trotskyists themselves actually support Corbyn in any meaningful way. While groups like the SWP have come out in favour of Corbyn against Smith, they have failed to join Red London in armed struggle to defend his leadership, preferring to walk up to the trenches to sell newspapers and recruit people to the SWP:

“Excuse me, would you like to hear the Socialist Workers Party’s position on Corbyn? We think it’s very exciting to see young people so enthusiastic about fighting the Labour Right, and we want to explain how organisation is really the key to bringing that fight to its logical conclusion,” explained the SWP newspaper salesman as bullets whizzed overhead.

“Yeah, no, I’m just a bit busy right now, actually”, replied the masked woman returning fire at Jack Straw. “Could you come back later?”

“Oh yes, I will do,” said the newspaper salesman as he scurried out of the trench and into a nearby bus shelter.

The Spartacist League, for its part, has come out in favour of Owen Smith, reasoning that “Although we don’t ordinarily support anyone in Labour, it was nice to see him defend international socialism against the Stalinist Corbyn’s proposal for ‘Socialism in One Country’.”

A grouping of former members of the now-dissolved “Permanent Revolution” tendency have likewise offered Owen Smith “critical support” on the grounds that “We had one meeting with him which was quite fruitful, he seemed very enthusiastic about the idea of building a Seventh International together with us. We hope Owen Smith will do for British Trotskyism what Hugo Chávez did for Venezuelan Trotskyism.”

Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”


MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.

Worker’s Spatula Going Underground for Corbyn


LONDON – Announcing that “armed struggle” had to take priority over journalistic work, all Worker’s Spatula correspondents in England have announced that the time has come to go “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Jeremy Corbyn, the embattled ICOR-affiliated leader of the Party of Labour.

German elements within Worker’s Spatula declared London correspondents in particular to be “adventurist” on account of the latter’s decision to purchase Armalites so they might join Red London “in the trenches”. The joint Worker’s Spatula/Red London “tabur” responded by declaring the comrades from Hambeug to have “descended to the low and opportunist level of Hikmet Kıvılcımlı”, leading to the exchange of a multilingual pastiche of obscenity.

With English Worker’s Spatula correspondents no longer responding to any of our attempts to reach them, we have had difficulty piecing together developments in London. Mainstream news sources are having difficulty providing accurate information in light of the ongoing urban guerrilla warfare. The following information all comes from our lone Scottish correspondent, and may be inaccurate owing both to the aforementioned difficulties in getting information out of England in general and London in particular, and due to the incomprehensible speech of the Scottish.

“From what we can gather, John Mann has allied himself with Hilary Benn, as they’re both very angry at Corbyn for taking the wrong position on the Brexit thing. Their initial strategy was to weaken Corbyn by removing all his enemies from the shadow cabinet, but rumour has it they’ve changed tactics now that Red London has hailed this as a ‘brilliantly timed purge’ by ‘Comrade Jeremy Jezzarionovich Stalin’.

“Their new tactic appears to be attempting to wreck the party from within using a sycophantic Trotsky-like figure. We suspect this may be Simon Danczuk, who reportedly claims he wants to get close to Corbyn as he is impressed with his ‘strong appeal among young people’.”

At press time, our Welsh correspondents had fled into the hills to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s “people’s war”.

Timeline: The English Road to Socialism


June 2016: EU vote, PM Cameron resigns, retires to his pig farm in the Cotswalds

September 2016: Illuminati appoint Boris Johnson PM, Labour Right blame Corbyn for failing to secure the position

November 2016: Britain officially in recession, chip butty inflation reaches 8 quid a barm, Corbyn blamed

January 2017: Nigel Farage assassinated, a joke about ale goes here

June 2017: Second Scottish referendum sees Scotland secede, confused Ulster Unionists lose track of which direction their enemies are, are led into Éire Nua without even realising it, triggering PM Johnson’s resignation and a new general election

September 2017: Corbyn elected PM, widely criticised by Labour Right for this extremist act which threatens Labour’s electability

October 2017: PM Corbyn promises freedom for Wales, “killing fields” for Tories

November 2017: Worker’s Spatula England begins daily print edition, all other publications in England banned

December 2017: Beginning of first 5-year plan

May 2018: Anti-EU cross-country bunker-building plan announced in memory of “ancient nationalist legend” Nigel Farage

May 2022: Full communism.

UKIP Show of Force for Brexit Vote


DERRY – Masked members of UKIP, widely held to be a legal front for the “Accelerationist” IRA, carried out a march in Derry today. Upon reaching Derry City Cemetery, one of their number began reading out a prepared statement in support of the UK leaving the EU.

“Leaving the EU will be greatest blow against the British partition and occupation of Ireland yet. Without the EU’s lie of a ‘borderless Europe’, the Irish people on both sides the imperialist-imposed border in Ulster will be thrown into sharper struggle with the colonial occupation forces.

“With this in mind, we demand that the UK leave the EU immediately and enter into a bitcoin-based economic union, to further sharpen the economic contradictions for the peoples of Britain, who will in turn be pushed towards the front lines of John McDonnell’s glorious people’s war against the English monarchy and its feudal servants, who in addition to occupying our dear comrades in Wales and the reasonably progressive lot in Scotland, exploit and mislead the English people, which we suppose is also somewhat objectionable.”

“For a united, independent Ireland, and a united, independent Britain!” bellowed the apparent leader, before proceeding to lead the masked men to the nearest pub for a pint of Guinness.

Concerns remain high that should a “no” vote prevail in the referendum later this month, UKIP will cease to act as a peaceful voice of its particular branch of the dissident republican movement, and AIRA bombs will go off in London once again, primarily targeting recent immigrant businesses, “in a completely non-racist way that is wilfully misunderstood by the politically correct Guardian-reading crowd”.

Labour Right Begin Pogroms


LONDON – Following the decision to deny candidacy in the NEC elections to Rhea Wolfman, the only Jewish person in the running, on the grounds that she is supported by the “anti-Semitic” organisation Momentum, Labour Rightists have begun their raids on Momentum offices and related targets around London in the hope of crushing the anti-Jewish menace which has infiltrated the party and seeks to pervert its core pro-Jewish British values with its dangerous internationalist commitments.

“Fucking Arab lovers!” shrieked Luke Akehurst as he torched a synagogue in Stamford Hill. “This’ll teach you to deny Israel the right to exist!” he bellowed as he jumped into his car and sped off down the street.

“You big-nosed anti-Semitic shit!” Tristam Hunt growled through his fang-like teeth at Jon Lansman as he pressed a sheet of plywood against Lansman’s neck, choking him against a wall.

At press time, Emma Reynolds could be seen kicking an already bloody Sam Kriss in the stomach over and over again behind a Tesco Express in Stratford.

“Damn Jeremy Corbyn’s divisive politics for driving me to do this!” she screamed before resuming with her healthy Zionist kicking.

The Nazi royal family of Britain could not be reached for comment.

John McDonnell Armed


LONDON – At this point Worker’s Spatula can confirm at least one of the rumours: It seems that the Shadow Chancellor has succeeded in obtaining his much needed arms and is frequently to be seen and heard practising firing them at his homemade shooting range.

No confirmation yet on his involvement in the shootings in Parliament Square or St. James’s Gardens, which left three Metropolitan Police officers dead.

Attempts by Worker’s Spatula correspondents to obtain information from Jeremy Corbyn’s Islington bunker met with mixed results. Corbyn refused to respond to any questions about alleged armed actions by the MP for Hayes and Harlington, but he was quite open about theoretical and practical disagreements within the Labour Left.

“John and I have been so close for a long time. But lately he’s been losing patience with my struggle against the revisionists in the Labour Party. He says they’ve got all the money and power, and we should accept that there’s no difference between the Labour Party and any other bourgeois party at this point.

“Lately I never see him reading the Four Classics of Marxism-Leninism, but he’s always got a copy of Mao’s Little Red Book on him, even when he’s not using it as a prop.

“He says what we have to do is ‘move among the masses like a fish moves in the water’.”

At time of press, hundreds of thousands of armed men and women in donkey jackets and John McDonnell masks were advancing on Parliament from all over London.

“Still not revolutionary enough,” a spokesman for the CPGB-ML told Worker’s Spatula.

Debate on EU Membership Heats up: “Lenin said a lot of things”


LONDON – As the debate on EU membership heats up, members of the British ICOR affiliate Party of Labour (Welsh: Partija Rada) have been thrown into confusion by Jeremy Corbyn switching sides on this crucial issue. Cadres across Britain are engaged in fierce discussion which includes no small amount of personal polemic. A Worker’s Spatula correspondent was witness to one such discussion in a pub.

“Petty bourgeois reformism!” declared Red London member Victoria Barry as she paused from her lager to respond to her comrade John Armstrong’s assessment of the EU as a force for positive change in British labour laws. “At best, Comrade Corbyn is only taking this position tactically so that those less advanced sectors of the British proletariat cannot be scared away from our party by Tory propaganda over this issue. At worst, you’re both guilty of modern… er… post-modern revisionism!”

Armstrong defended himself with what appeared to be a trump card: “On the subject of revisionism, do you want to be in the trenches with not only UKIP, but George Galloway?”

A murmur of agreement spread across the table at the mention of the hated Galloway.

“Anyone can make that argument. Literally ANYONE can, because Galloway’s position on this or any other matter of EU policy is subject to change at the drop of his rather silly hat. Like his painfully beardless hero, Mao Zedong, he is guilty of constant zig-zags in policy. If Corbyn and Galloway switch places, it should be irrelevant to us. The question is what Comrade Lenin would say about the EU,” retorted Barry.

“Lenin said a lot of things,” Armstrong responded before rising to purchase another beer.

Barry returned to her own beer, tears in her eyes, before placing headphones in her ears and putting on an INLA song on her smartphone’s mp3 player.

“We’re the INLA… freedom fighters…” she crooned off-key while glaring after Armstrong.

At press time, almost everyone at the table had been declared a “scoundrel” by someone else, and several individuals were declared to be the agents of various imperialist powers, “out to sabotage the British revolution”.