Jason Unruhe: “If Trump Wins, I’m Moving to the US”

jasonunruhe

By Jason Unruhe

Many Americans, especially those on the left, have been threatening to move to Canada in the case of a Donald Trump victory in the coming elections. Naturally, withdrawing one’s labour from the workforce in order to achieve one’s aims is a time-honoured tactic, but in this case it looks as though it would be sporadic and unorganized, and hardly likely to cause the crisis in US capitalism that North America so desperately needs. Those advocating this line of action in general represent the labour aristocracy, when they are not outright petty bourgeois. Such people are obviously completely worthless to revolution in the analysis of our ingenious leader, Comrade Prairie Fire.

You see, in our analysis, a Trump victory would be a gift—a historical, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to undermine the great Satan and drastically reconstitute the very world in which we live. Yes, if Trump is elected, I call on all Canadians to move to the United States.

Communism in China did not emerge fully-formed without a period of great struggle; it was born out of contradictions which were exploited by the international communist movement. As Mao Tse Tung himself emphasized: “A good comrade is one who is more eager to go where the difficulties are greater.” What Canadian can deny that difficulties in the US are already greater? And does not every US comrade eagerly anticipate election day, when they will be able to cast their vote for Trump, just as Chairman Mao would have instructed?

Of course, we would be true reformists if we analysed electoral politics as the only avenue for struggle. We must consider the objective conditions among the masses in the US: Whilst the Yankee peasantry is ripe for rebellion and unquestionably well-armed, US society does not yet appear prepared to take part in a peasant and worker-led struggle against imperialist and capitalist hegemony, even during the years of the hated Bush regime. But after a Trump victory, how long can it possibly take before the contradictions of capitalism force radical change in one direction or other?

Unlike in Canada, where hardened communists like myself are unable to organise the First Nations proletariat for struggle, the United States has a frighteningly large population of oppressed nationalities workers living in third world conditions: Afro-Americans, Chicanos, Appalachians, Mormons, these are but some of the populations who would finally embrace my worldview under the apartheid-like conditions of a Trump presidency.

Truly, Worker’s Spatula were wise to pour so much of their time and resources into the Trump campaign. While others, like the reformist ICOR affiliate ROL, wasted time discussing the process of the campaign of Bernie Sanders (who is a mere shadow of the first worldist scoundrel Jeremy Corbyn), Worker’s Spatula ensured that the conditions would soon be ripe for revolutionaries from across Canada will have the conditions we need to actually effect change.

In order to ensure that conservatives and reactionaries do not hijack the struggle for their own ends, it is imperative that we as responsible Canadians stand up and pledge to do whatever we can to ensure that the US is helped onto the right path. Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the various reformist and revisionist organisations in Canada which organise the labour aristocracy and neglect the greater contradiction of imperialism. But speaking on behalf of the LLCO, I assure the oppressed nationalities in the US that they will not be left alone. All of our Canadian cadres are coming to help you struggle until victory.

Yes, if Trump wins, I’m moving to the US.

News in Brief: November 10th 2015

junglefighting

LISBON – Apparently the Portuguese Left has decided to remind the rest of Europe that Portugal exists. Most European leftists responded with shock when they learnt that Podemos was not involved in the as yet unanalysed Lusophone shenanigans. The dastardly Portuguese are up to something, but it is not clear what exactly. ICOR coordinator and known Iberophile Stefan Engel responded to the murky developments in the quasi-country, saying “It makes me wish we had a Portuguese ICOR affiliate, so we could ask them what was up. But we never thought to enquire into possible Portuguese affiliates, because they were all hiding down there, below Spain, where nobody ever looks.”

LONDON – The greatest Greek philosopher since Plato and the sexiest Greek since Alcibiades, Yanis Varoufakis, and the best Yugoslav Stalin-pretender since Tito, Slavoj Žižek, have announced their discussion-based eventoid “Europe is Kaputt. Long live Europe!”, in which they will discuss, nay, DECIDE the future of Europe. Inside sources hint that Žižek will agree with Varoufakis on some banal point before launching into a tangent, and, at another point, “quote someone with whom… [he disagrees] entirely”.

THE JUNGLES OF SOUTHERN THAILAND – In response to a Malaysian government proposal to mandate separate supermarket trolleys for Halal and non-Halal food products, ex-guerrillas of the Communist Party of Malaya called a press conference in a village near the border: “It didn’t start here, and it won’t end here. I think we all know where this is going. Your children are going to be growing up in a Malay-speaking version of Saudi Arabia. Don’t like it? Well, you had your chance, Malaysia. I bet a lot of you wish we had won now, huh? Well, now we don’t have any guns, and you’re stuck with your garbage state. We’re never coming home, so we don’t have to worry about any of that.” When our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Thailand pointed out that Thailand was looking pretty hopeless itself, the once-upon-a-time rebels curtly informed all present that the conference was over.

SOMEWHERE IN GODDAMN ONTARIO – Jason Unruhe is now accusing people of “wrecking”. He has yet to respond to Worker’s Spatula’s e-mailed enquiry into how anyone can wreck the LLCO, an organisation which appears to consist only of himself and “Comrade Prairie Fire”. Hopefully nothing has come between the two of them, and the entire editorial and writing staff of Worker’s Spatula wishes them nothing but the best.

News in Brief: September 21st 2015

communistparty

BERLIN – Die Linke has released a press statement explaining their longstanding support for the German bourgeoisie as an internationalist tactical line. “As Lenin teaches us, there are inter-imperialist contradictions, and we’re trying to maintain the strength of the German bourgeoisie as a bulwark against the UK, the US, Russia, etc., giving our comrades around the world more imperialist powers between which to navigate.” CPUSA is expected to release a comparable statement in the coming days.

LOS ANGELES – At a “Red Guards” meeting of the Maoist NCP-LC earlier this week, a member is reported to have said that Cambodian leader Pol Pot was “probably the best Maoist who ever lived,” resulting in his being taken out back and thoroughly beaten. This follows news of an inter-NCP-LC beating in the Bronx where a new comrade reportedly defended Ho Chi Minh over Mao Zedong. No word from NCP-LC as yet on whether or not a defence of Lin Biao is beating-worthy, but analysts advise against it, on the grounds that “that’s the LLCO’s guy.”

OTTAWA – The NDP announced their “critical support” for all leftist organisations in Canada offering the NDP critical support. Analysts almost universally agreed that the RCP-PCR, CPC-PCC, and CPC(ML) had made a huge mistake by not backing the NDP the way that the Canadian IST affiliate International Socialists did, as the latter will surely now be able to build a worker’s state out of Canada and “the Stalinists” will be left far behind.

PARIS – In a heated confrontation at a demonstration yesterday, members of the PCOF nearly came to blows with members of the sole ICU organisation Lutte Ouvrière after the latter refused to apologise to the Hoxhaite party for Trotsky’s betrayal of Stalin. The PCOF has stated that it “firmly believes all the bad blood can be put behind us if only the Trotskyites would confess to and apologise for their crimes.”

LONDON – David Cameron fucked a pig, apparently.

Spartacist League Celebrates September 11th

spartacist
While many communist organisations in the United States take September 11th as an opportunity to remind everyone about the CIA-backed coup against Salvador Allende in 1973 in a fruitless effort to make Americans care about history, communism, or foreigners, the US Spartacist League is taking the opportunity to commemorate “the fallen martyrs” who “gave their lives” to carry out an attack “on finance capital and US imperialism”.

“Just as the great Trotskyist Che Guevara called for us to ‘create two, three, many Vietnams’, we call for ‘two, three, many 9/11s”, read a written statement from the party in Workers Vanguard.

“Any time anything happens that looks scary to the bourgeoisie, it’s a good thing.” the statement continued. “For example, if there’s a hurricane, that’s good, because rich people don’t want to die in hurricanes. Long live Marxism-Trotskyism-Robertsonism!”

The declaration has met with fierce hostility from nearly every other leftist organisation in the United States, or as the Spartacist League refer to them, “fake communists”. One rare instance of agreement was the Third Worldist organisation the LLCO, whose public declaration read in part: “On September 11th, we remember with pride this great blow by the revolutionary forces of the Third World against the mighty fortress of the degenerate First World”. However, the LLCO’s lack of any real-world presence precluded anyone who doesn’t spend all day on the internet being offended by their rhetoric, despite their best efforts.

Within the ICL(FI), other sections mostly responded by attempting to one-up the US Spartacist League. The French section Ligue trotskyste de France held a press conference praising Pol Pot as an exemplar of their political line. When rival Trotskyist groups pointed out that “surely Pol Pot was some manner of Maoist, if anything,” a Ligue spokesman smiled and responded: “Right, because Che and Gramsci were Trotskyists.”

The Spartacist League of Australia released a statement demanding a “Stalinist” party seize power in Australia and persecute them personally, giving them an opportunity to prove their lack of bourgeois individualism by defending their own imprisonment and possible execution.

The Trotskyist League of Canada/Ligue trotskyste du Canada has not released any statement, but members were seen firebombing a synagogue while screaming “HEIL HITLER!” and “STALIN IST JÜDISCHER DRECK!”

The UK Spartacist League, on the other hand, while refraining from condemning the actions and statements of most other ICL(FI) members, did distance itself from the US Spartacist League’s statement with regard to September 11th, condemning it as “deviationist.”

“Look, we need to reiterate that this was never our position. We don’t support murderous Islamists in adventurist attacks against imperialist powers; we support murderous Islamists building up long-term sustainable organisations which attack innocent poor people in far-away lands. That’s what we call ‘anti-imperialism’.”

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

TrotHotSpot
LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”