Castro: “Honestly, I Wish They Would Assassinate Me”

SadFidel

LA HABANA – Staring at his wrinkled visage in the bathroom mirror, Cuban revolutionary leader Fidel Castro sighed and pantomimed shooting himself in the temple with his hand.

“If I had died years ago, like Che, I would be a hero in the mind of everyone who matters. Now, even the other communists have to feign enthusiasm for me,” he explained to his own reflection before taking a swig of rum, holding back tears as he swallowed.

Mustering up all his courage and strength, the 90-year-old marched out onto the balcony to give a speech to the assembled masses:

“The revolution lives! It’s still alive! It hasn’t dropped dead yet, no matter how much it would like to. The revolution walks and lives and breathes, and certainly isn’t tired of everyone else just staring at it, muttering under their breath instead of picking up the fucking slack for once!”

Fidel’s brother Raúl, sensing tension and unease in the crowd, rushed over to salvage the speech. Covering the microphone with his hand, he whispered: “Fidel, you stink of rum. How much have you had to drink?” Uncovering the microphone, he smiled broadly and announced: “That’s right! We all need to work together! Let’s have the birthday comrade introduce our special guests from Vietnam!”

“It’s Laos!” shouted Fidel indignantly. “They’re not from Vietnam, Vietnam didn’t respond to our invitation, so we invited fucking Laos!”

“But Laos is a very special country too!” corrected a visibly perspiring Raúl. “They built a little republic shaped like a shooting star, and we’re going to have some delicious Laotian food together with them, isn’t that right?” At this juncture, Raúl covered the microphone with his hand once again and adopted a stern facial expression: “You like Laotian food, don’t you Fidel? You’re going to smile and eat it, and shake everyone’s hand, and you’re not going to fuck this up for me, right?”

Sighing, Fidel weakly took hold of the microphone and addressed the crowd again:

“We welcome our very special guests from Laos. We will now retire to the banquet hall to have a dinner and discuss urgent matters of international importance. The revolution in Laos is… are you kidding me?… the revolution in Laos is an inspiration to the people of Cuba, who tirelessly pour every effort into international solidarity, do we ever.”

As the Laotian dignitaries walked over to shake his hand, Fidel leaned into the microphone one last time before they were all shuffled off the balcony inside:

“If the CIA’s listening, just kill me now. I’m so tired of this.”

Advertisements

North Korea to Laos: “Chat Shit, Get Banged”

WPKMassive

VIENTIANE – Following a tense meeting earlier this week over the DPRK’s nuclear programme, in which the Chinese social imperialists attempted to convince the modern revisionists of North Korea to “calm the fuck down, blood”, members of the ASEAN Regional Forum (headed by this year’s chair country, the imperialist stooges known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic) issued a statement expressing “concern” over the “threat” posed by the DPRK’s nuclear arsenal.

“That’s it, then is it, fam? What about the ‘threat’ posed by China’s nuclear weapons, or the US’s nuclear weapons, or Russia, or all of them man them, blood?” enquired the North Korean representative in Vientiane.

“You think this is a game, son? Chat shit, get banged!” he concluded.

Representatives of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party were quick to respond: “You’re fucking this up for all of us, fam! We’re out here, trying to feed our kids and that, fam. No Soviet Union looking after us any more, innit? You think you can just start shit whenever you want, and China will look after you, innit? Well we’re not having it fam! We’ve got our own shit to look after. So there’s your independence, innit? INNIT? INNIT?”

“Come over here and say that to my face, batty bwoy,” responded the North Korean representative.

When reached for comment, CPGB-ML chairman Harpal Brar agreed that “all provocations against the DPRK should be regarded as imperialist breaches of Korean sovereignty, and will result in the harshest possible press releases from the CPGB-ML.”

“BRRRRRRRRRAP!” added “vice-chairman” Ella Rule.

Open Letters from the Central Committee for Father’s Day

Dad

Several members of the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee recently discovered that the men they had known as their fathers were in fact sleeper agents for various socialist regimes. Obviously, this came as quite a shock, and three of them have elected to publicly express their feelings to their fathers as part of the healing process:

Dear Vati,

When I think back on my childhood, I always remember being a normal German boy with a normal German father and mother. But Mutti recently told me the truth about you. You are not [REDACTED], from Offenbach, but in fact a spy from the Lao People’s Democratic Republic!

In retrospect, maybe I should’ve seen the signs that I was adopted. When I really think about it, I don’t look so much like you or Mutti, who both do look a bit… un-German. Furthermore, every year at Pi Mai, when I would throw flour on the other children and scream “Sok di pi mai!”, they would always look at me as if there was something amiss.

I cannot say that I forgive this deception. I cannot say that I recognise in you or Mutti anything like “parents”. But I can say that I forgive Laos. Laos is not just my motherland now, but my actual mother. And Kaysone Phomvihane, my father.

I shall continue my important work in organising the German peasantry from my cover as a chicken-feed dealer.

Long live the MLPD,
[REDACTED]

Not all members were so crushed by the revelation that their parents were not quite who they seemed to be:

Dadi,

Dw i wedi dysgu’r gwir nawr. Wyt ti wedi bod yn gweithio fel bancwr llwyddiannus sydd â golygfeydd accelerationist, ond mewn gwirionedd, wyt ti a spy for the Republic of Cuba.

In fact, I’m somewhat relieved, because now I can tell you the truth about myself: Dw i ddim yn wir yn astudio Applied Sheep Sciences yn Cardiff University. Dw i’n mewn gwirionedd a correspondent for Worker’s Spatula.

Nawr dw i’n gwybod pwy wyt ti, a wyt ti’n dwybod pwy dw i. And we’re both fighting for the same thing: An independent, socialist, and bunker-filled Wales.

Dy ferch,
[REDACTED]

Finally, a letter from our northernmost Central Committee member:

Dear Pabbi,

I salute the many obstacles you overcame and struggles you engaged in in raising me to do the work of the socialist state of South Yemen under the cover of being a normal Icelandic family.

As the man I once believed to be my uncle mentioned during the debriefing at my coming-of-age, you had difficulty with the language and raised some initial suspicions with your choice of the surname Leninsson. However, the neighbours were eventually won around to your eccentric ways of cooking laufabrauð and your screams of “yalla!” at the lawnmower. After you gave your 3-hour presentation on the 1,100-year history of the family from Sven Leninsson on, you were just another quiet, ordinary Icelander.

But to me, and to the Central Committee of the Yemeni Socialist Party, you were much more than that. From your tireless work to combat North Yemeni influence across the country to the anti-imperialist leaflets you secretly distributed during the Cold War, you were always working for a socialist society. Even the end of the civil war and the beginning of a new one did nothing to halt your ardour.

To you, dad, and the coming revolution,
[REDACTED]

In addition, a fourth member of the Committee has been raised to be a suicide bomber for the Tamil Tigers, but we’ll let them know when it’s time.

Andrew Falkous Joins NCP

falco

CARDIFF – Andrew “Falco” Falkous, frontman of the now defunct band McLusky and his current band, Future of the Left, has announced his unconditional and unironic support for the NCP.

“The New Communist Party of Britain is the REAL future of the British left. Ever since Jeremy Corbyn became the chairman of the Party of Labour, Britain’s ICOR affiliate, I’ve been considering entering party politics. But like many of us, in spite of my emotional support for Corbyn, I had questions about the long-term potential for building socialism in Britain with only Labour as a tool. We can’t ignore the danger still represented by the PLP. Obviously I uphold Lenin’s line that entry into the Labour is the first step, so long as Labour is not obsolete for the masses, but how? When Corbyn announced that communists and, separately, Trotskyites, are welcome within his incarnation of the Party of Labour, I started investigating various groups that could potentially seize on this opportunity. Having read New Worker to a considerable extent, I can now say with confidence that the New Communist Party of Britain is the group the proletariat needs. These are comrades who understand me, and understand the peoples of Britain, and understand what is to be done.” Falkous recited into his microphone at a recent show in Cardiff, while the drummer, Jack Egglestone, hammered out a tense, high-tempo paradiddle on his hi-hat.

“Yeah!” he added, over a distorted power chord played on his guitar.

The news is no surprise, as the trend towards supporting the New Communist Party of Britain is spreading rapidly among sardonic, opinionated, left-leaning British celebrities. Just last week, speculations abounded that an opinion piece in New Worker about Jeremy Corbyn penned by one “Christopher Morris” was the Chris Morris of Day Today and Brass Eye fame. Several weeks prior, Bridget Christie and Stewart Lee were seen selling copies of “the New Worker” on the street.

A Worker’s Spatula correspondent sat down with the two Andys (Brooks and Falkous) for a joint interview:

WS: Aren’t you some sort of anarchist? Didn’t you say something about not wanting to be involved in any party or ideology or something to that effect?

AF: I wouldn’t expect foreigners to understand the singularly British art of sarcasm. What are you anyway? French?

WS: German.

AF: Well, unfortunately, we don’t have any snide comments we make about the Germans in Britain. Just the French.

WS: Well, that’s good.

AB: No, see, he was doing it again.

WS: Doing what?

AB: The sarcasm.

WS: I see. So, Mr. Brooks, do you think Falco and his work with Future of the Left can be beneficial to your party’s work?

AB: Certainly. We’re planning on taking him round to the Laotian embassy for a highly publicised dinner event. Young British people love Laotian dignitaries almost as much as they love acerbic wit delivered over post-hardcore. So that’s sure to drum up interest in our party.

AF: I’ve already been preparing. I understand Laos has a complicated relationship with Thailand, as do I, so there’s some common ground there.

AB: And then, you know, benefit concerts and that.

AF: Yeah, we could play “Arming Eritrea”, and I’ve been working on a version of “Sheena Is A T-Shirt Salesman” called “Sheena Is A Newspaper Salesman”. It’s about Trots and how they annoy everybody by selling their newspapers.

AB: We also sell newspapers, you know.

AF: Oh.

WS: Breaking this up a bit, Mr. Brooks, are you familiar with Falco’s music?

AB: Oh yeah, I know, erm… what’s the one where you scream a lot?

AF: …

AB: It’s a fast one.

AF: …

AB: ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING?

AF: Ah, yes. That’d be “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues”.

AB: Good lord.

AF: Yeah. It’s about fellatio. Most of my songs are about some sort of interaction with the phallus.

AB: It may be time for another purge.

WS: On that subject, I’d like to ask you both, if you were Jeremy Corbyn, who would you purge from the Labour Party first?

AB: I don’t understand why Corbyn hasn’t already purged all the Trots. They’re wreckers, you see. They intend to wreck.

AF: Wreckers, for sure. I’d purge the revisionists, and the Metallica fans. Most Metallica fans are some manner of revisionist, anyway.

WS: Excellent talking to you both. Any final words?

AF: Arm John McDonnell now.

AB: All power to the soviets.

Photo callously stolen from tinnitus-photography.com

“Why no love for Laos?” Asks Lao People’s Revolutionary Party

lprp

VIENTIANE – In an emergency statement released to the IMCWP, the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party expressed its frustration that their contributions to revisionist Marxism-Leninism were going unrecognised compared to other revisionist parties in power in East and Southeast Asia.

“What are we doing wrong? North Korea has all the fun, with CPGB-ML, RCPB-ML, and the NCP all vying for their affection in London, and KP in Turkey won’t shut up about them either.”

“Okay, we’ll grant you that North Korea is pretty hard compared to most of the IMCWP parties, but Vietnam is on about the same track as us and they still get referenced constantly because of the Resistance War Against America. Like we didn’t fight imperialism.”

“And China! Don’t even get us started about China. Those bastards really made every effort to sell out on the international stage, but Turkey has Doğu Perinçek unashamedly calling himself a Dengist! Why not Laos, Doğu? Why not Laos?”

“We’ll grant you that Workers World Party in the US and the NCP in the UK mention us, but we’re always an afterthought. Laos is cool too! We have better food than the Vietnamese, why not come to a state-sponsored banquet in London, NCP? Publicise it, we can invite Jeremy Corbyn!”

“We’re not even gonna try to reach out to those traitors in the CPB.”

Response from several of the groups called out by the LPRP was swift. From Turkey, Doğu Perinçek stated that he would be happy to invite a Laotian delegation to an event condemning the “imperialist lie” of the “so-called ‘Armenian Genocide'”, while the Komünist Parti (the most IMCWP-ish of the various TKP split groups) stated that they had formed a Laos fact-finding committee, whose first task was to locate Laos on a map. Afterwards, it is to carry out further research to see if Laos “has what it takes to inspire the hardened revolutionaries of KP”.

From the UK, the NCP responded positively, stating that they hadn’t intended to hurt Laos’s feelings, or indeed anyone’s feelings ever, and that they would try to arrange an event along the lines of the one described by the “fraternal” LPRP, but warned that “the UK Party of Labour”s joining of ICOR made prospects for attracting Jeremy Corbyn’s attention slim, particularly in light of how hard he is to even reach lately, holed up as he is in his Islington bunker.