NCP-LC Breaks Up


NEW YORK – As is now known by Marxists around the world, the NCP-LC has broken up. The purported reason for the disintegration of the group was improper handling of women’s issues. However, were this the core issue, the answer would be to have most offending cadres engage in serious self-criticism with the aim of a higher unity with woman comrades, to purge those cadres who are beyond rectification, and to strengthen mechanisms within the organisation which empower women cadres. The rapid disintegration of the “liaison committee” is motivated by a more embarrassing problem.

Our reporter on the ground in New York spoke to several former NCP-LC cadres about the issue on condition of anonymity, and the answer was unanimous: Carlos Rivera-Jones’s embarrassing public criticism of Worker’s Spatula brought such disrepute to the organisation among the anti-revisionist movement in English-speaking countries which Worker’s Spatula effectively leads that there was no way any organisation could survive the damage to its reputation that such a statement would bring about.

“Fuck Carlos,” said [REDACTED 1] as he took a drag of his Newport menthol cigarette, the cigarette of choice for anti-revisionists in the US. “Couldn’t keep your big fucking mouth shut, could you? Now there ain’t no NCP-LC and it’s all that motherfucker’s fault.”

“I was all, ‘Was it worth it, Carlos? You got enough likes from fuckin’ Trots? And for what? You stickin’ up for Bob Avakian now?’, shit…” recounted [REDACTED 2], agreeing to meet us on the side of Union Square where leftists never meet, so as to avoid being accidentally overheard by her former comrades.

“I thought about joining the Maoist Communist Group over this shit.” admitted [REDACTED 3]. “Like, the situation is that bad right now. I just want to disappear. The shame of being associated with not getting the joke of a Worker’s Spatula piece is too great.”

FRSO (the Black Lives Matter one, not the wannabe ROL one) responded to our request for an interview on the condition that we buy a bunch of fucking buttons, like some sort of street punk anarchists who dive in dumpsters, instead of the dignified graduate school educated Marxists who get free food by crashing people’s events that we are.

“Now that there’s no more NCP-LC, we figure it’s time for us to make another attempt at taking New York. But just to be safe, we’re going to employ security to protect us from Tafadar. You never know what that fucker’ll do. He’s probably more dangerous without the organisation to keep him in check than he was before.”


US Maoists Form Cricket League


NEW YORK – Representatives of the RCPUSA, the Maoist Communist Group, and the NCP-LC have met and announced the formation of the US Maoist Cricket League as part of their efforts to get the average US proletarian interested in people’s wars in South Asia.

“The average American knows very little about South Asia’s rich and vibrant cultures, and their fierce dedication to communist ideology, which reached new heights in its development under Chairman Mao Zedong, himself a top notch batsman. At his prime, he was probably better than Richard Nixon himself,” stated a representative of the Maoist Communist Group, holding aloft a clearly doctored photograph of Mao taking a swing with a cricket bat.

“Mao Zedong, Chairman of the Sixes.”

The league intends to hold regular limited overs matches every weekend throughout the year in various cities across the country. In addition to the actual match, the US Maoist groups will take turns giving lectures on South Asian Maoist groups they admire or to which they have links. “We won the drawing of lots, so we’ll be going first,” said a representative of the RCPUSA. “It works out great for us because we’re gonna talk about the CCP(Maoist), but we’re just going to talk about them talking about Bob Avakian. New Synthesis, motherfuckers!”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA has offered “critical support” to the formation of the league: “As is known, we’re not too keen on the Cultural Revolution. The league’s ‘points of unity’, however, include ‘upholding the correct line of Chairman Mao Zedong, architect of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, the height of actual communist practice,’ right after a line that just says ‘BOOM BOOM AFRIDI!’.

“It ought to be pretty clear that on those grounds, we simply can’t join as full members. However, it does seem like a good way to reach out to the Afro-Caribbean community, so we do intend to show up and hand out our newsletter outside, and see if we can negotiate a presentation about Indian ICOR members at some point.”

Polls indicate that a vanishingly small minority of US citizens are interested in learning about cricket at all, let alone joining a cricket league run by Maoists. However, immigrants from countries which are full ICC members, and South Asian immigrants in particular, have shown a cautious interest in the inaugural match in Queens.

“The thing is, they’re very bad at playing cricket,” explained Gurdal Singh, a local restaurateur from India’s Punjab province. “Just, truly awful. You would think that they could apply some of what they know of baseball, but no.”

His friend Ahmed Sharif agreed: “It is like watching a sport abortion. I thank God that our people did not emerge from British rule like this, fat and flabby and unable to play cricket.”

Pradhan Joshi, a Nepali shop owner, agreed: “We have a saying in Nepal: Unlucky in cricket, unlucky in people’s war. This lot will never succeed in a people’s war. In Nepal we had years of people’s war, I know what it takes. These Americans are out of shape, they lack discipline. They think they can go up to the mountains for months and years? When I suggested they try a five-day test match next summer one of them told me: ‘fuck that.’”

Reaction from South Asia has been more positive. “In spite of all divisions in the international Maoist movement, in spite of the objective weakness of revolutionaries in the imperialist United States, we take this as a sign of hope for international revolution. If cricket can unite the world, Maoism is surely next!” read a statement by the CPI(Maoist), who have reportedly celebrated the formation of the league by bombing a “bourgeois” cricket stadium.

CWI affiliate Socialist Movement Pakistan agreed: “In spite of our opposition to Maoism and Maoists, we support the news that Americans suddenly care about cricket for any reason, and we believe that more cricket in the United States will strengthen internationalist feelings of solidarity between South Asians and the goras.”

Other Maoist groups around the world have been less positive. A joint statement was released by the TKP/ML and MKP of Turkey/North Kurdistan:

“First of all, nothing with Bob Avakian involved in it can be a good idea. We learnt this the hard way. Secondly, what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t mass line at all. What you’ve done is taken something that you’re engaged in because you’re a Maoist, and tried to present it to the masses to make them Maoists. This is idealist in the extreme. What, would you have us go to Turkish villages with plates of curry and try to make the villagers Maoist that way?”

A representative of the NCP-LC responded: “See, that’s how we can tell they don’t have very good curry in Istanbul. I became a Maoist specifically because curry is so delicious.”

SELF-CRITICISM: The authors were previously unaware that after the split of NCP-LC from NCP(OC), the rump NCP(OC) renamed itself the Maoist Communist Group. A commenter alerted us of this, and the piece has been edited to reflect this reality. We have the Marxist-Leninist weapon of criticism and self-criticism. We can get rid of a bad style and keep the good.