Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

TKP Name Contested Again, Zuckerberg Weighs In

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İSTANBUL – Following over two years of increasing distance between the originally relatively amicable split in the revisionist organisation that was at the time simply referred to as the TKP (Communist Party of Turkey), tensions have flared up between KP (Communist Party, which would usually append “Turkey”, mostly to remind Kurds that they were the anti-Kurdish group formerly known as TKP, and not the tiny Kaypakkayacı outfit known as KP-İÖ) and the HTKP (People’s Communist Party of Turkey, known for having less people), following the latter’s announcement that they would be reclaiming the name TKP for themselves.

The former HTKP have legitimised their decision to declare themselves TKP without consulting KP by stating that the latter had been engaged in secret talks with the state regarding reclaiming the name. Knowing KP, who are constantly engaged in talks with the state about how to be as against Kurdish nationalism as possible, this is indeed likely. HTKP have backed up their decision by registering themselves with a far more legitimate source: Facebook.

Zuckerberg was ambushed for comment at a local Chinese restaurant where he was enjoying his Christmas dinner: “As a Brezhnevite myself, obviously I’m deeply concerned with these developments. It is Facebook’s official position that HTKP is now the legitimate Communist Party of Turkey. Erkan Baş is a dear comrade, and I will stand with him against any force on Earth. Now can I finish my 三杯雞?”

However, other forces have aligned behind the KP, with the TKH claiming that the HTKP’s move was “opportunist”, “infantile”, and “revisionist” [Editor’s note: ???].

Reaction from Dersim, the most communist place on Earth, however, may indicate that the KP is outnumbered. DHF-affiliated “TKP” mayor Maçoğlu tweeted a multi-part reaction which said: “When I was elected communist mayor of this municipality, there was a TKP whose name we were using, and that was fine at the time. But I had since gotten used to the TKP’s split meaning that it was obvious even to İzmir kids that I was some kind of Maoist. If they’re going to fight over who gets to be the TKP, and I have to choose a side, I guess I’ll go with Erkan Baş’s side, just because of our shared top quality moustaches, and because he’s the only nice person to affiliate with ‘TKP’ in decades.”

With Hüseyin Karabulut remaining silent as of press time, no neutral arbiter could be found within the Brezhenvite camp to resolve this conundrum, and multiple voices from the associated Turkish left merely contradict one another. Worker’s Spatula, the only objective news source covering the world revolutionary movement, could not let down our loyal readers without resolving the important question as who will be the heirs to the name associated with Mustafa Suphi. Our German correspondents got a hold of Stefan Engel, who was already extremely drunk on account of all the Christmas, but managed to slur out a German saying which we are to believe was intended as a kind of Nostradamic prophecy:

“Wenn zwei sich streiten freut sich der Dritte!”

The dialectic, which reveals itself through German expressions slurred out by a drunk Stefan Engel, has therefore revealed that TKP-1920 are to be the official heirs to Mustafa Suphi’s TKP legacy. HTKP is to join TÖPG and the KP is to rename itself Vatan Partisi (Marxist-Leninist).

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite! And Merry Christmas!

US Maoists Form Cricket League

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NEW YORK – Representatives of the RCPUSA, the Maoist Communist Group, and the NCP-LC have met and announced the formation of the US Maoist Cricket League as part of their efforts to get the average US proletarian interested in people’s wars in South Asia.

“The average American knows very little about South Asia’s rich and vibrant cultures, and their fierce dedication to communist ideology, which reached new heights in its development under Chairman Mao Zedong, himself a top notch batsman. At his prime, he was probably better than Richard Nixon himself,” stated a representative of the Maoist Communist Group, holding aloft a clearly doctored photograph of Mao taking a swing with a cricket bat.

“Mao Zedong, Chairman of the Sixes.”

The league intends to hold regular limited overs matches every weekend throughout the year in various cities across the country. In addition to the actual match, the US Maoist groups will take turns giving lectures on South Asian Maoist groups they admire or to which they have links. “We won the drawing of lots, so we’ll be going first,” said a representative of the RCPUSA. “It works out great for us because we’re gonna talk about the CCP(Maoist), but we’re just going to talk about them talking about Bob Avakian. New Synthesis, motherfuckers!”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA has offered “critical support” to the formation of the league: “As is known, we’re not too keen on the Cultural Revolution. The league’s ‘points of unity’, however, include ‘upholding the correct line of Chairman Mao Zedong, architect of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, the height of actual communist practice,’ right after a line that just says ‘BOOM BOOM AFRIDI!’.

“It ought to be pretty clear that on those grounds, we simply can’t join as full members. However, it does seem like a good way to reach out to the Afro-Caribbean community, so we do intend to show up and hand out our newsletter outside, and see if we can negotiate a presentation about Indian ICOR members at some point.”

Polls indicate that a vanishingly small minority of US citizens are interested in learning about cricket at all, let alone joining a cricket league run by Maoists. However, immigrants from countries which are full ICC members, and South Asian immigrants in particular, have shown a cautious interest in the inaugural match in Queens.

“The thing is, they’re very bad at playing cricket,” explained Gurdal Singh, a local restaurateur from India’s Punjab province. “Just, truly awful. You would think that they could apply some of what they know of baseball, but no.”

His friend Ahmed Sharif agreed: “It is like watching a sport abortion. I thank God that our people did not emerge from British rule like this, fat and flabby and unable to play cricket.”

Pradhan Joshi, a Nepali shop owner, agreed: “We have a saying in Nepal: Unlucky in cricket, unlucky in people’s war. This lot will never succeed in a people’s war. In Nepal we had years of people’s war, I know what it takes. These Americans are out of shape, they lack discipline. They think they can go up to the mountains for months and years? When I suggested they try a five-day test match next summer one of them told me: ‘fuck that.’”

Reaction from South Asia has been more positive. “In spite of all divisions in the international Maoist movement, in spite of the objective weakness of revolutionaries in the imperialist United States, we take this as a sign of hope for international revolution. If cricket can unite the world, Maoism is surely next!” read a statement by the CPI(Maoist), who have reportedly celebrated the formation of the league by bombing a “bourgeois” cricket stadium.

CWI affiliate Socialist Movement Pakistan agreed: “In spite of our opposition to Maoism and Maoists, we support the news that Americans suddenly care about cricket for any reason, and we believe that more cricket in the United States will strengthen internationalist feelings of solidarity between South Asians and the goras.”

Other Maoist groups around the world have been less positive. A joint statement was released by the TKP/ML and MKP of Turkey/North Kurdistan:

“First of all, nothing with Bob Avakian involved in it can be a good idea. We learnt this the hard way. Secondly, what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t mass line at all. What you’ve done is taken something that you’re engaged in because you’re a Maoist, and tried to present it to the masses to make them Maoists. This is idealist in the extreme. What, would you have us go to Turkish villages with plates of curry and try to make the villagers Maoist that way?”

A representative of the NCP-LC responded: “See, that’s how we can tell they don’t have very good curry in Istanbul. I became a Maoist specifically because curry is so delicious.”

SELF-CRITICISM: The authors were previously unaware that after the split of NCP-LC from NCP(OC), the rump NCP(OC) renamed itself the Maoist Communist Group. A commenter alerted us of this, and the piece has been edited to reflect this reality. We have the Marxist-Leninist weapon of criticism and self-criticism. We can get rid of a bad style and keep the good. 

Joint Statement by the German Left Denouncing “Adventurism”

BERLIN – At a press conference in Berlin today, several organisations of the German left came together to release a joint statement denouncing “adventurism”. In an unprecedented case of left unity, the German Communist Party (DKP), Die Linke (The Left), the movementist Interventionistische Linke, as well as various Trotskyist groups denounced every attempt of using militancy in pursuing socialism. “It just doesn’t work,” said the DKP representative at the press conference. “I mean, have you seen a successful revolution in Germany throughout the last decades? No, you haven’t. So we’ve got to end this and find a new strategy.”

The spokeswoman of Interventionistische Linke added: “We fully agree with our slightly Stalinist comrade. Or were they bureaucratic reformists? It doesn’t matter, we are now objectively on the same side. See, we have seen all these protest movements in Southern Europe that turned violent. We get it, the people are angry, as they are impoverished by German politics. But they can’t simply attack police officers or occupy open squares. At the same time, we cannot simply confront the German state because of its politics. I mean, there is democracy here, so we have to participate in elections and hope the German people elect us, so we can end austerity politics. Sorry, friends in the South, these are the rules.”

Upon being asked if the Interventionistische Linke wasn’t in fact a movement-oriented organisation that did not particularly focus on electoral politics, she responded: “Sure, that’s the historical subjective difference, but there’s no objective difference between what we are and leftist groups that don’t get elected. So you know, we just follow trends now. For example: ever since Syriza, we’ve decided we want to be the German Syriza. Our members are all presently working on modifying their appearance and mannerisms to resemble Tsipras. We’ve already got the bad English down, now we’re raising money for plastic surgery so that all our members, men and women, will physically resemble him.”

Further statements from other groups were scarce. Katja Kipping, co-chair of Die Linke said: “Our politics have always been non-confrontational and cowardly, so this isn’t really a new position for us. We love calling everyone ‘adventurist’. We have nothing to add.” While a joint delegate of various Trotskyist groups added: “We, as Trotskyists, are always with the people. The German people today are in their great majority boring petty bourgeois hacks. And so are we.”

After the press conference a small tumult broke out among the Trotskyist groups, because while the one delegate was speaking as agreed upon by all the other groups, several groups changed their minds about the proper procedure. After the fight (itself repeatedly condemned as “adventurist” by its participants while they were delivering blows to their rivals), the representative of NAO (New Anticapitalist Organisation) spoke to us: “No, we all agreed on the message. But we discussed who should present it up until the very last minute. Then the press conference began and we sent the one guy up, but continued discussing the procedure backstage, per our understanding of democratic centralism. That’s how the confusion arose.” Asked if the issue had now been settled once and for all, he responded: “I really doubt it, that wouldn’t be consistent with our overall political line.”

Stefan Engel, the leader of the MLPD, the only notable absent figure of the left in Germany, said the following while drinking in a Bavarian beerhouse with one of our correspondents: “You know what Lenin said about German revolutionaries, right? About how they buy a ticket before occupying a train station? Well, there you have it. The only alternative is my party, the MLPD, and that the downtrodden German peasants will recognise the correctness of our line and join our ranks in masses. We are just months away from declaring an open protracted people’s war on the German state.”

International reactions to the shocking announcement were mixed. A joint response by Marxist parties from Turkey including EMEP, BDSP, Devrimci Parti, SYKP, SODAP and TÖPG read: “Fuck the German left.” The MKP, TKP/ML, Bolşevik Parti, TİKB, and MLKP issued a separate statement that noted it was in full agreement with the aforementioned statement while adding the caveat: “Except the MLPD and our comrade Stefan Engel, the only hope for the fucking Germans.”

Joma Sison, founder of the Communist Party of the Philippines, released a video message on his Facebook page in which he spoke for approximately 15 minutes about Chairman Mao and the great struggle of the CPP-NPA before asking the viewer “So, what was the topic of my message again?” Answering himself, he said: “That’s right, the Germans have done it again. They are Germans, what else is there to say? My good friend Stefan Engel is German and he is not German, but an internationalist at the same time. That is why he is not like them. Also note that this is a prime example of Maoist dialectics.”

Sison then repeated the word “dialectics” intermittently every few seconds for two minutes before the video abruptly stopped.

Didi Zach of the Communist Party of Austria (KPÖ) addressed the issue at his 11 o’clock beer breakfast, where he stated: “We feel a little bit insulted. Why did they not ask us to participate? I am absolutely sure that we would have managed to create a wonderful alliance representing Greater Germany on this issue. I mean, ‘the German speaking world’, or how do you say that these days? You know what? Let’s go with ‘Greater Germany’. After all, our sole mission is to expel everything the old KPÖ stood for from our party and as it was the only party defending the Austrian nation against the ‘Greater Germany’ concept, I think that’s the concept we’ll follow.”

Spartacist League Forms Syrian Battalion in Support of ISIS

ispartRAQQAH, SYRIA – Marking the first time since the Bolivian National Revolution that Trotskyists have rallied in armed defence of their values, members of the Spartacist League of Britain have travelled to “the Caliphate” in order to defend ISIS from “imperialism”.

The formation of the so-called “Hammer Battalion” follows an announcement earlier this week of Spartacist League support for ISIS military victory.

“I can’t wait to have a chance to go to the slave market, I’m going to buy a 10-year-old Yazidi girl. They’re imperialist stooges”, explained “Abu-Bakr al-Permanenti”.

His comrade, “Haydar al-Fourthinterationali”, was selling newspapers on a Raqqah street corner when he agreed to speak with us about the experience thus-far.

“We’ve been having some trouble with ISIS’s line on North Korea, but mostly we’re in agreement. We both hate the Soviet Union and the US with a rage that could be characterised as ‘blinding’, we both believe in some perfect worldwide moment of enormous change that many others from similar backgrounds characterise as ‘fanatical’, and of course, we both enjoy raping small children.”

“Muhammad al-Britani”, another UK volunteer who directly joined ISIS last year to take part in the fight against the PYD and Assad, a clear-cut anti-imperialist struggle if ever there was one, discussed the integration of the new Trotskyist battalion.

“We’re actually learning a lot from them. They told us all about how they agree Stalin was a senseless murderer, and about Kronstadt”, reported “al-Britani”, declaring his “new-found respect for the Jewish infidel, Trotsky”.

However, a senior ISIS source has hinted that not everyone in the movement is supportive of the group’s actions: “They spend more time condemning others for not being ISIS enough than actually fighting. Three of our best men were killed last month in a fight over whether the Soviet Union was a ‘deformed’ or ‘degenerated’ worker’s state.”

Responding to the widespread belief among the UK Left that the usually provocative Spartacist League had gone altogether too far this time, battalion leader “Uthman bin Stephen” had this to say: “ISIS is fighting US imperialism, the greatest threat to the people of Syria, including the Kurds who they are bent on destroying. The PYD, on the other hand, have always been under Washington’s command, and that’s why Washington rewarded them with control of Northern Iraq after the 2003 invasion.”

An attempt at correction was rebuffed: “Oh that’s the KDP? Look, a Kurd’s a Kurd. You ever see a Kurd fighting Israel? Didn’t think so. Even if it’s just taking some guns, their objective role is clear, expanding US power and influence, same as Assad.”

“Oh, Assad’s with Russia? Well, they should stop fighting him.”

Losing patience, our driver pointed out that ISIS was fighting Assad, and the PYD had declared their willingness to work with Assad under the right conditions, and had been in touch with Moscow. “Bin Stephen” was unmoved.

“Look, the point is, this is quite edgy shit. I’ve really pissed off my Labour-voting relatives with this. I’m not gonna go supporting some left-wing national liberation movement allied with communists in Turkey fighting Islamists, because that might actually cause British people who don’t burn US flags in their free time to feel sympathy for socialism.”

A joint response was issued by the MLKP, the MKP, and the TKP/ML: “As anti-revisionists from Turkey/North Kurdistan, we’ve never actually had to speak to a Trotskyite in real life. We finally understand why we’re supposed to hate them now.”