KING’S LYNN, NORFOLK – Worker’s Spatula have spent much of 2017 corresponding with [REDACTED], who asked not to be referred to by her real name, Twitter handle, or even any of the various pseudonyms under which she writes, owing to a completely unwarranted but nevertheless less extremely potent anxiety about her own intellectual abilities. The comrade, whom we shall refer to as ‘Comrade X’, has become well known as England’s foremost expert on the international revolutionary movement. She is constantly sought after for her observations and insights on civil wars, occupations, and unrest around the world, despite her inability to leave her own bed and exit the house.
When discussing her political awakening over encrypted chat with the Worker’s Spatula East Anglia correspondent, she identified the 2011 UK student uprising in minute detail. The detail was so breathtaking and covered so many different events and locales that our correspondent was curious about her specific role: “Oh I was having a bit of a bad patch at that time, and couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed”, explained ‘Comrade X’, whose life had been a series of bad patches, seemingly without respite, “so I couldn’t go on the day but my friends told me all about it.”
Having dropped out of university in 2012 due to ongoing mental health difficulties, and the complete lack of support and understanding from tutors, lecturers, support staff, and the administration, ‘Comrade X’ spends her days reading ICOR press releases and debates in her parents semi-detached three-bedroom house.
Despite seemingly never leaving the house, ‘Comrade X’ is now the most theoretically developed cadre in England, having moved swiftly from NSM anarchism, through Dengism, Twitter Brezhnevism, Third Worldist Maoism, autonomism, Guevarism, and finally arriving at the healing light of Hoxhaist anti-revisionism with Apoist tendencies.
While actually existing “Marxist” organisations in the UK continue to debate whether the Labour Party can establish socialism by forming a government, or whether the possibility of a coming Labour government is the sole impediment to the construction of socialism, or whether Scottish independence ‘divides the British working class’, heroic ‘Comrade X’ has seen the dialectic of history as it materially relates to her country and its manifold contradictions, with the one unfortunate shortcoming that as she is too depressed to go outside, she cannot actualise this advanced theory in praxis.
When asked about her future plans, ‘Comrade X’ stated that she was learning Turkish so she could better understand what exactly Bolşevik Parti and TİKB’s positions on the MLKP are, so that she can angrily give her views on them to her approximately 100 Twitter followers around the world, and nobody else.
Additionally, she plans to take the DWP to court after being kicked off of ESA due to being able to walk 5 steps in her work capability assessment, despite having detailed medical evidence supplied from numerous doctors and psychiatrists that work would be impossible for her, and detrimental to her well-being and recovery.
Greetings to you, ‘Comrade X’, and good luck in your struggle with modern revisionism, as well as your struggle with your own life, which is seemingly weightier still!
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