News in Brief: October 21st 2015

FlagandLenin

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – A group of Marxist Turkish students in Cambridge has welcomed its newest member, one Selim Karlıdağ, a high school friend of one of the other students. The post-doctoral student Karlıdağ, being of bourgeois family background and having completed his PhD studies in England, made a grievous faux pas the first day by saying something non-hostile about Leon Trotsky. At present, all of his statements are being rigorously analysed for signs that he might be a Trotskyist, in case deprogramming measures need to be employed.

PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO – Local sympathisers of ICOR affiliate Partija Rada attended a protest organised by Demokratski front, a right-wing party which advocates union with Serbia. On the one hand, their total opposition to the Montenegrin government prevented them from staging a counter-protest, but on the other, their unequivocal Marxist-Leninist stance prevented them from joining the protest per se. It was therefore decided that they would attend under the slogan “Neither NATO nor Belgrade, but socialism in Montenegro!” and engage in public self-flagellation.

MOUNT KUMGANG, THE ONE TRUE KOREA – Korean families physically divided for decades came together for tearful reunions at the mountain resort of Mount Kumgang this week, only to tragically find themselves divided on ideological lines as the Koreans from the north found that their southern relatives had been reading up on communist ideology prior to the visit, and had become Hoxhaites. South Korean citizen Park Areum spent approximately an hour trying to convince her long-lost cousin Park Chol Kun of the “revisionist” quality of Juche ideology, and the need to return to “correct, principled Marxist-Leninist positions,” to no avail. Future reunion meetings have been postponed until such a time as a communist party can be formed in South Korea which may send delegates to the north to bridge the theoretical gap.

TEL AVIV – Israeli Prime Minister and unconvicted mass murderer Benjamin Netanyahu decided to cover all his bases in his efforts to demonise the Palestinians and stated that every single one of Stalin’s policies were actually fed to him by the true leader of the Soviet Union: Palestinian Grand Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini. Said Netanyahu: “If you look at Palestine before the Jews arrived, it was basically the Soviet Union. Rapid industrialisation, the slogan of socialism in one country, the plan to establish the DDR, these were all the Grand Mufti’s ideas long before Stalin got them.”

BIRMINGHAM – Last night, Birmingham City University students and CPGB-ML members Lennox Harris and Catherine Campbell engaged in sexual congress in the latter’s dormitory room. As Harris began to worry about climaxing too quickly, he distracted himself by thinking about dialectics, only to be foiled when he remembered that quantitative change leads to qualitative change.