First Annual “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference Organised

stalinsbirthday

ATHENS – In honour of the birthday of Comrade Stalin, the KKE has taken the initiative to organise a massive conference in Athens in honour of the completely error-free life of the nicest human being ever to be born: Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

The “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference will be held every year going forward, with possible candidate cities for next year’s conference including Volgograd (in Russia), and Gori (in Georgia).

Despite its decidely un-Soviet nostalgic location (the inevitable result of the material conditions under which the conference was planned), turnout was tremendous. Delegates arrived from countries as varied as India, Chile, Turkey, Togo, and the UK to offer presentations on the overwhelming rightness of Stalin in word and deed.

A panel was organised specifically for the UK defenders of Comrade Stalin, including the CPGB-ML, NCP, and the RCPB-ML. The NCP representative presented on “Frida Kahlo as Stalinist, de Rivera as Trotskyite”, the RCPB-ML presented on “Youth Culture: can Stalin be incorporated into it?”, and the CPGB-ML presented on “Please ignore the first two presentations at this panel, we are the only British people who defend Comrade Stalin”.

George Galloway was not invited to present, but had his own table outside the conference where he stopped women comrades entering the building to ask them if they thought he was more handsome than Stalin.

A representative of the Turkish party TKİP repeated its call, consistent in all international gatherings in which they are present, for all genuine Marxist-Leninists across the world to grow glorious Stalin-style moustaches. During the question-and-answer session for this panel, a Worker’s Spatula representative condemned the “butch dominance” of “formalistic Stalinism”, demanding a “femme equivalent to the Stalin moustache” be found. The TKİP responded that the Spatula correspondent was a “Foucaultite wrecker and clear agent of the MLKP”.

Despite tremendous disagreement on the most basic questions of history and current practice, a toast was held at the end of the evening to “unity in struggle, and struggle in unity”, at which point a giant mpaklavas, dyed so as to resemble a painting of Comrade Stalin, was wheeled out to cheers and the traditional birthday song of Georgia’s most famous native son:

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: The Peace & Truce of Future of the Left

PeaceTruce

Ever since frontman Andrew Falkous publicly joined the NCP, Marxist-Leninists across the UK have been curious how this new political commitment would affect the music and lyrics of Wales’s second most famous English language musical act (after the Goldie Lookin’ Chain, who, as is known, are mostly Maoists affiliated with Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr).

Musically “the Peace and Truce of Future of the Left” is a very strong album, like all of Future of the Left’s output. The tracks are short in duration and minimalist in character, as is only fitting given the band’s “punk” roots, but each track still manages to sound distinctive and textured. Subjectively, this album is better than “How To Stop Your Brain In An Accident”. Objectively, the conditions are not yet ripe for proletarian revolution in any part of Britain, owing in no small part to the imperialist extraction of superprofits.

Lyrically, there are surprisingly few references to class struggle in Britain OR the international situation. While “the Limits of Battleship” is clearly about illegal professional revolutionary work, his need to protect his party’s secrets clearly prevent this track from reaching its full potential.

Falco’s new life as a professional revolutionary has meant that much of Falco’s legendary writing skills have been rerouted to party work, and his lyric-writing is caught between his new need to practise democratic centralism and not contradict the party line and his artistic desire to comment on politics in a humorous and free associative fashion as exemplified on such classic Future of the Left tracks as “Failed Olympic Bid”, “the Lord Hates a Coward”, and “Stalin Is My Mate, We Go Out For Beers And That”.

Best songs: “the Limits of Battleships”, “Reference Point Zero”, “White Privilege Blues”.

Worst songs: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, “God Save the Queen”, you know, that anthem that tossers sing.

NCP Central Committee Reportedly Purge Selves

NCP

LONDON –Following a purge of a good number of important cadres last week, the central committee of the New Communist Party of Britain have discovered that a typo in the purge document resulted in twice as many cadres being purged as originally intended.

The purge—which began as a disagreement over the exact phrasing of an open letter to the RCPB-ML criticising the latter for their “ultra-left” stance on the historical role of pop singer David Bowie—was announced via a document which, in addition to a list of names of purged cadre, included a list of cadre who should not be purged despite their incorrect stance. The word “not” was left out, resulting in two thirds of the party, rather than the original intended one third, being purged.

The New Worker editorial offices immediately erupted in fierce argument and occasional scuffling upon revelation of the news. Over the past few days, the following events are reported to have occurred:

-Several central committee members gave self-criticism, advocated their own purging to make up for their “petty bourgeois negligence”.

-Other central committee members argued that advocating the further purging of valuable cadres to atone for already accomplished unnecessary purges was ultra-leftist and liquidationist. They advocated purging of the former group of central committee members on these grounds.

-The remaining central committee members advocated a simple public self-criticism and rescinding of the previous purge document. This move was condemned as “revisionist” by the former two groups of central committee members, who advocated the purge of the latter.

-The “revisionist” central committee members resorted to attempting to purge the rest of the central committee “in self-defence”.

At press time, it is not clear whether the central committee of the New Communist Party of Britain has succeeded in purging itself in its entirety or not.

Britain Proposed “Lord Protector” Model for Syria

wikileaks

LONDON – Leaked documents from the recent Vienna talks on the future of Syria have shown British negotiators pushed for a radical solution to the conflict.

The files, posted on Wikileaks early Monday, appear to show that Britain had sought answers to Syria’s civil war by looking into its own history.

“What is clearly needed, as shown by recent and historical civil wars, is some form of ‘Lord Protector’ to emerge,” one speech reads.

“We put it to this conference that we should support a leader with strong religious values, support from all classes of society, and who is willing to act nationally and internationally for the good of his people.”

The recourse to history is no new innovation. British diplomats worldwide have long advocated the Northern Ireland solution to the Kurdish issue in Turkey, saying that they believe it is the only way that Protestant and Catholic Kurds will be able to get along in peace.

Similarly, Britain has long been in talks to help democratise Myanmar, though these recently stalled after the King of Holland refused to take part in a plan to take over the country.

The formal diplomatic proposals are accompanied by a series of cryptic margin notes.

Those on one page read as follows: “Execute King, Invade Ireland, Extreme Religion, Defeat Moderates, Ban Christmas.”

However, the delegation’s ultimate proposal appears never to have been made, presumably after the mood of the talks turned against it.

“Hence we propose that this conference do everything possible to support Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,” the hastily scribbled-out final conclusion reads.

In its place, the delegation had quickly come up with a paragraph about backing Syria’s “moderates”, with a circled note reading “politically correct bullshit”.

Defence Minister Michael Fallon was barely able to conceal his disappointment this morning, however, telling parliament that the moderate jihadists were “not a New Model Army”, “whereas al-Baghdadi is clearly Cromwell in the flesh.”

Responses were issued by the New Communist Party of Britain and the Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist). The NCP argued that the solution lay in the Syrian proletariat “voting Labour everywhere”, and announced that they would engage in a purge of their own members, for tradition’s sake. The CPGB(ML), meanwhile, gave its expected response:

“We couldn’t find a way to get any of the factions in Syria to rhyme with ‘same old story’, or any other dismissive witticism, but naturally whatever the British government proposes is indeed the same old story,” Harpal Brar informed the attentive British masses who hang on his every word. “We call on the British government to support Bashar al-Assad against the menace of British imperialism.”

Alexis Tsipras, Prime Minister of Germany, pointed out the similarity of Brar’s proposed strategy to Syriza’s actual strategy. “Will my brother in good hair also support our struggle against ourselves?” enquired Tsipras in a now publicly available e-mail exchange with Brar.

Brar’s response reads: “Nice try, Yorgo.”

For his part, Vladimir Putin, Tsar of all Russias from Belorussia to Prussia, proposed that Bashar al-Assad step down, to be replaced by Ramzan Kadyrov. Kadyrov’s duties in Chechnya would be taken on by Assad, and Putin himself would “just keep doin’ Putin.”

Andrew Falkous Joins NCP

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CARDIFF – Andrew “Falco” Falkous, frontman of the now defunct band McLusky and his current band, Future of the Left, has announced his unconditional and unironic support for the NCP.

“The New Communist Party of Britain is the REAL future of the British left. Ever since Jeremy Corbyn became the chairman of the Party of Labour, Britain’s ICOR affiliate, I’ve been considering entering party politics. But like many of us, in spite of my emotional support for Corbyn, I had questions about the long-term potential for building socialism in Britain with only Labour as a tool. We can’t ignore the danger still represented by the PLP. Obviously I uphold Lenin’s line that entry into the Labour is the first step, so long as Labour is not obsolete for the masses, but how? When Corbyn announced that communists and, separately, Trotskyites, are welcome within his incarnation of the Party of Labour, I started investigating various groups that could potentially seize on this opportunity. Having read New Worker to a considerable extent, I can now say with confidence that the New Communist Party of Britain is the group the proletariat needs. These are comrades who understand me, and understand the peoples of Britain, and understand what is to be done.” Falkous recited into his microphone at a recent show in Cardiff, while the drummer, Jack Egglestone, hammered out a tense, high-tempo paradiddle on his hi-hat.

“Yeah!” he added, over a distorted power chord played on his guitar.

The news is no surprise, as the trend towards supporting the New Communist Party of Britain is spreading rapidly among sardonic, opinionated, left-leaning British celebrities. Just last week, speculations abounded that an opinion piece in New Worker about Jeremy Corbyn penned by one “Christopher Morris” was the Chris Morris of Day Today and Brass Eye fame. Several weeks prior, Bridget Christie and Stewart Lee were seen selling copies of “the New Worker” on the street.

A Worker’s Spatula correspondent sat down with the two Andys (Brooks and Falkous) for a joint interview:

WS: Aren’t you some sort of anarchist? Didn’t you say something about not wanting to be involved in any party or ideology or something to that effect?

AF: I wouldn’t expect foreigners to understand the singularly British art of sarcasm. What are you anyway? French?

WS: German.

AF: Well, unfortunately, we don’t have any snide comments we make about the Germans in Britain. Just the French.

WS: Well, that’s good.

AB: No, see, he was doing it again.

WS: Doing what?

AB: The sarcasm.

WS: I see. So, Mr. Brooks, do you think Falco and his work with Future of the Left can be beneficial to your party’s work?

AB: Certainly. We’re planning on taking him round to the Laotian embassy for a highly publicised dinner event. Young British people love Laotian dignitaries almost as much as they love acerbic wit delivered over post-hardcore. So that’s sure to drum up interest in our party.

AF: I’ve already been preparing. I understand Laos has a complicated relationship with Thailand, as do I, so there’s some common ground there.

AB: And then, you know, benefit concerts and that.

AF: Yeah, we could play “Arming Eritrea”, and I’ve been working on a version of “Sheena Is A T-Shirt Salesman” called “Sheena Is A Newspaper Salesman”. It’s about Trots and how they annoy everybody by selling their newspapers.

AB: We also sell newspapers, you know.

AF: Oh.

WS: Breaking this up a bit, Mr. Brooks, are you familiar with Falco’s music?

AB: Oh yeah, I know, erm… what’s the one where you scream a lot?

AF: …

AB: It’s a fast one.

AF: …

AB: ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING?

AF: Ah, yes. That’d be “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues”.

AB: Good lord.

AF: Yeah. It’s about fellatio. Most of my songs are about some sort of interaction with the phallus.

AB: It may be time for another purge.

WS: On that subject, I’d like to ask you both, if you were Jeremy Corbyn, who would you purge from the Labour Party first?

AB: I don’t understand why Corbyn hasn’t already purged all the Trots. They’re wreckers, you see. They intend to wreck.

AF: Wreckers, for sure. I’d purge the revisionists, and the Metallica fans. Most Metallica fans are some manner of revisionist, anyway.

WS: Excellent talking to you both. Any final words?

AF: Arm John McDonnell now.

AB: All power to the soviets.

Photo callously stolen from tinnitus-photography.com

“Why no love for Laos?” Asks Lao People’s Revolutionary Party

lprp

VIENTIANE – In an emergency statement released to the IMCWP, the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party expressed its frustration that their contributions to revisionist Marxism-Leninism were going unrecognised compared to other revisionist parties in power in East and Southeast Asia.

“What are we doing wrong? North Korea has all the fun, with CPGB-ML, RCPB-ML, and the NCP all vying for their affection in London, and KP in Turkey won’t shut up about them either.”

“Okay, we’ll grant you that North Korea is pretty hard compared to most of the IMCWP parties, but Vietnam is on about the same track as us and they still get referenced constantly because of the Resistance War Against America. Like we didn’t fight imperialism.”

“And China! Don’t even get us started about China. Those bastards really made every effort to sell out on the international stage, but Turkey has Doğu Perinçek unashamedly calling himself a Dengist! Why not Laos, Doğu? Why not Laos?”

“We’ll grant you that Workers World Party in the US and the NCP in the UK mention us, but we’re always an afterthought. Laos is cool too! We have better food than the Vietnamese, why not come to a state-sponsored banquet in London, NCP? Publicise it, we can invite Jeremy Corbyn!”

“We’re not even gonna try to reach out to those traitors in the CPB.”

Response from several of the groups called out by the LPRP was swift. From Turkey, Doğu Perinçek stated that he would be happy to invite a Laotian delegation to an event condemning the “imperialist lie” of the “so-called ‘Armenian Genocide'”, while the Komünist Parti (the most IMCWP-ish of the various TKP split groups) stated that they had formed a Laos fact-finding committee, whose first task was to locate Laos on a map. Afterwards, it is to carry out further research to see if Laos “has what it takes to inspire the hardened revolutionaries of KP”.

From the UK, the NCP responded positively, stating that they hadn’t intended to hurt Laos’s feelings, or indeed anyone’s feelings ever, and that they would try to arrange an event along the lines of the one described by the “fraternal” LPRP, but warned that “the UK Party of Labour”s joining of ICOR made prospects for attracting Jeremy Corbyn’s attention slim, particularly in light of how hard he is to even reach lately, holed up as he is in his Islington bunker.