Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

Sydney

“Do you think anyone still reads these?”

“Nobody still reads Marx or Lenin anymore either, don’t be so opportunist as to concern yourself with whether or not anyone will read something before writing it.”

“Shut up, someone read the statement.”

“I think it’s my turn, here we go:

Good evening Sydney, and a glorious 2018 to all of our comrades across the world! We, the Central Committee of Worker’s Spatula, the worst nightmare of the Left Communists, the scourge of the modern revisionists, the drinking buddies of the more tolerable Trotskyists, are speaking to you live from the Sydney Opera House, which was built by workers who, during construction, were visited and serenaded by Paul Robeson himself:

 

Paul Robeson, in addition to being a great class conscious struggler for peace and justice in a world of war and injustice, was an Afro-American, a member of an oppressed nation in the imperialist United States.

The Australian workers, for their part, were principally the descendants of settler-colonist labourers in the British colony of Australia, whose indigenous were the victims of genocide and oppression and who, like the Afro-American people or the indigenous in the United States, still yearn for liberation to this day. Travelling thousands of kilometres, Robeson met with them to seek unity of workers and oppressed peoples.

From the north to the south of the world, universal trends of capitalism-imperialism can be seen again and again in different particularities. Robeson is a symbol of the most universal spirit of our movement, and we salute his journey to sing for the workers here, as we begin our own quest in 2018 across the Global South:

In 2018, Worker’s Spatula will be consciously focusing on the Southern Hemisphere of the planet as much as possible to the exclusion of the Northern Hemisphere. We had initially intended to come up with some theoretical justification for the strength of this shift, something about how most imperialist countries are in the Northern Hemisphere, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, it’s because we’re just sick to death of having to do our Ramadan fasting during summer.

Naturally, we hope to incorporate our long-standing support for the Aboriginal Australians into our satire; and southern Africa should receive due focus, a region which has come more into the world’s attention following the coup in Zimbabwe; perhaps most importantly, we intend to publish more on South America, for which we expect due thanks from our comrades in the PC(AP).

Finally, dear comrade-readers, we must speak about our self-criticism. In fact, we have made many mistakes, which we always seek to rectify, but chief among them, most grievous of all, is that we have paid altogether too little attention to the sinister heart of the capitalist-imperialist world system. Driven by our need to provide engaging, critical, and diverse coverage around the world, we have neglected the need to direct the harshest and most violent polemics against the head of global imperialism:

We speak of course of Liechtenstein. Truly no more reactionary entity than Liechtenstein exists, and no crime of international imperialism can be named whose blood cannot be found dripping from the cold, filthy, pasty-white, chapped fingertips of the scoundrel and puppy-kicker Prince Hans-Adam II!

No more, comrades! No more! 2018 will not be another year in which Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution, allow Liechtenstein’s countless crimes to go unnoticed! We will provide constant exposure of this parasitic, inhuman pseudo-country’s repulsive and reactionary policies so as to aid the heroic strugglers around the world, particularly those guerrillas in Switzerland, Austria, and in Liechtenstein itself already engaged in direct action aimed at nullifying the existence of Liechtenstein!

Yes comrades, 2018 will be the year when, should the dialectic will it, LIECHTENSTEIN WILL BE WIPED OFF THE MAP, thus weakening global capitalism-imperialism by depriving it of its ‘head’! This is our historic mission, and we call on all our comrades and friends across the world to aid us in this fight!

WHAT DO WE WANT? [NO MORE LIECHTENSTEIN!]
WHEN DO WE WANT IT? [2018!]

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite!

“…so what do you usually do with the rest of your evening?”

“Oh I was thinking we could get extremely drunk, and throw a fairly large quantity of shrimp on the barbie, one by one.”

“Isn’t there anything else to do here in Sydney, Australia?”

“No, I’m afraid that’s literally all there is to do here in Australia, the country where all we ever do is drink VB and throw prawns on a hot grill.”

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

bcpmlm

“No, we see your point,” explained our host, politely. “His analysis of international relations IS good, but I don’t think we’ll be converting the entire party to Shi’a Islam on the basis of that alone.”

“We’re recording,” interrupted the Yank. “Read the statement.”

“COMRADES!” began a bearded comrade with an obnoxious English accent, drops of butter tea dripping down his moustache, “We, the central committee of Worker’s Spatula, the rebel base of Marxist-Leninist internet irony, are here in a mountain camp in Bhutan, in solidarity with the local Gonzalists and their popular war against Bhutanese happiness! MABUHAY!”

“Down with mirth! Fuck joy!” interrupted one of the guerrillas in the back.

2016 marked the first full calendar year of Worker’s Spatula activity. Despite a generally pessimistic mood in some corners, in many ways, we count this past year as a success: We successfully defended Jeremy Corbyn against the Blairites, we defeated Hillary Clinton through our accelerationist agent, the Donald, and we sold a few t-shirts.

Per our original self-description, we take no responsibility for the many setbacks the world revolutionary movement has suffered over the course of the past year. Further, we are responsible for all progressive motion and unity among the revolutionary masses and their vanguard. So one would think we have no room for self-criticism, but we do. And not only because we’re being hosted by Maoists.

First of all, during our New Year’s self-criticism last year, we promised video propaganda. We did produce one low quality video, and wrote two or three others, but we made the grievous error of trusting the Yanks with video production duties. Needless to say, we should’ve known from Hollywood that the US is the last country you can put your faith in for quality video work. Hopefully and إن شاء الله, 2017 permits us to produce those and other videos for your viewing enjoyment.

More importantly, if we’re perfectly honest with ourselves, Worker’s Spatula is altogether too accessible to people who don’t spend all day reading ROL newsletters and founding documents of Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups from the 80s and 90s. We are simply not weird and obscure enough. Sometimes we even catch anarchists reading our work. It’s extremely disheartening to see, and represents clear evidence of some deviation from the correct line handed down to us from the prophet Vladimir Lenin (SAW).

Prepare for a new year which is more brutal, more dialectical, and more materialist. Prepare for jokes that Die Linke people won’t get, and GegenStandpunkt will hate themselves for chuckling at. We’re going to make jokes about Hegel and Gramsci and Left Communism, we’re going to talk about the THKPC-MLSPB instead of the MLKP, and we’re basically going to make 90% of our readers and 50% of our own staff declare the Spatula to be a hateful, unreadable mess barely worth mentioning.

We’re going to make the RCPB-ML look like the fucking CPB.

And yet somehow we’re going to keep gaining followers, because this is the internet, and quality and quantity keep transforming into each other in the ways we least expect.

In this spirit, we call on all of you to make a New Year’s resolution with us: MAKE YOUR RESOLUTION, REVOLUTION. Resolve to join Worker’s Spatula in our regular reading of revolutionary texts, the Spatula Reading Group, and become part of the process of our interventions in practical politics by responding to them!

On the first and fifteenth of every month, we’re going to assign a different revolutionary text for collective reading. It may be from the Marxist-Leninist canon, or perhaps it will be Hegel, but we will provide a link to the text online.

We want you, the readers, to write a one-page summary, or response with your reactions, preferably in terms of how you were able to relate the reading to the material conditions in which you are doing revolutionary politics. Through this online reading and recontextualising, you will be taking part in the dialectic that underlies Worker’s Spatula. You can push the spiral upwards! Push it! Push it good! Push it real good!

Taking part in this campaign is a great way to improve your Marxist reading and help expand Worker’s Spatula’s collective consciousness of the theoretical and practical struggles in your life. We encourage all to take part, and to e-mail us at mastursublator [at] gmail.com

Finally, in spite of whatever setbacks may loom large in your sight, we hope all comrades will cling tight to hope and struggle on to great victories in the new year! In particular, we hail Oscar Temaru’s inevitable victory in the upcoming French presidential elections. When the power of the Spatula and the revolutionary masses are united, miracles are possible! We are right, we will win!

WORKER’S AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Upon completing the reading of the statement, all present raised their Kalashnikovs skywards and fired into the heavens whilst the Yank screamed: “DIALECTICS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

Zapatistas

CHIAPAS – After a prolonged silence, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the English language, have emerged from the jungles of Chiapas wearing black balaclavas and toting rifles to address world public opinion, and the revolutionaries of the world in the particular.

In the front, a podgy comrade with an English accent and a smoking pipe protruding from his balaclava read out a prepared statement:

Toilers, strugglers, downtrodden of humanity: We, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, stand before you as the guests of the EZLN, who are our real and true homies. We offer them a red salute, and a red salute to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines against fascism in Kurdistan, and of course, to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines of the House of Commons in Londonistan.

Unfortunately, 2015 failed to deliver a new socialist state. Despite our previous statements to the effect that we would take responsibility for all revolutionary success and deny any culpability for revolutionary failure at any time or place, we would like to publicly recognise the fact that we have not been fully shouldering the responsibility for leading revolutionary struggle vested in us by internet Marxists around the world.

Therefore, we would like to take this opportunity to give our self-criticism publicly, and in this fashion redouble the faith of the revolutionary vanguard forces around the world in us.

Up to this point, Worker’s Spatula has wasted altogether too much time and effort on mocking various Trotskyist organisations. This has been a pointless diversion: We have already made clear that we do not believe any Trotskyist organisation will ever carry out the first Trotskyist revolution in world history, and repeating this point ad nauseum while making fun of this quasi-Marxist tendency’s increasingly liberal stances on the question of imperialism is masturbatory at best.

Conversely, we have perhaps been too nice to Maoists. Expect more Maoism jokes in the new year.

We would also like to self-criticise for our failure to provide a very wide geographic range of coverage. This is partially a limitation based on trusted contacts in countries we don’t cover as much, but we can and will try to rectify this.

In this vein, we would like to mention that we intend to cover other national liberation movements other than Kurdistan. National liberation movements are an important part of the struggle against imperialism, and we can and should cover such diverse topics as Palestine, Ireland, and the Tamils of Sri Lanka.

Our visual propaganda has also been very lazy. Our photoshop of Jeremy Corbyn as Joseph Stalin was very successful and gained us a broader audience, to say nothing of our brilliant meme depicting Stalin as an “ethical atheist” counterposed with Bill Gates. Better visual propaganda should be used to gain the favour of the meme-hungry internet Marxist community, including video propaganda if possible.

Beyond that, we call on all the revolutionary forces which stand together with us in struggle to redouble their own efforts, wherever they are.

ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW!

Upon the conclusion of the statement, a comrade with an American accent began firing shots into the air whilst screaming “DIALECTICS!”. This continued until the clip was emptied, at which point a comrade standing in the back said “Hadi yoldaşlar, gehen wir”, and the brave Worker’s Spatula editorial staff disappeared back into the jungle.