How to Spot a Police Agent

Communists talk an awful lot about who is and who is not a police agent. This makes sense because the police do have agents scattered throughout our movement. They can be anywhere. Probably one of them is reading this article. Probably one of them is writing this article.

Fuck, there’s one behind you now!

theREALcops

But seriously though, in countries like New Zealand, the state doesn’t actually need to use its agents to undermine communists. We undermine ourselves constantly with our petty, selfish, cultish behaviour and our total refusal to engage in any critical thought that is directed inwards, having completed all the critical thinking we ever needed to do in our lives the moment we left the Labour Party and skimmed the Communist Manifesto.

On the rare occasion we get off Twitter, if we actually belong to an organisation, we simply use it as if it were evidence of some petty credibility, bourgeois membership to some exclusive club, instead of building the organisation and using it as a tool to build a genuine mass movement capable of fighting the forces of capital we claim to be so incensed by; instead recruiting impressionable youths to our groups and, when not sexually abusing them, leaving them hopelessly jaded and burned out simply because of our impossible organising demands designed to compensate for our total lack of meaningful political engagement with the working class we claim to be so committed to!

But on the off-chance that all of that doesn’t describe you, here’s a fool-proof guide to telling which of the people in your highly effective group are your real comrades, and which are filthy bourgeois cops. Enjoy!

Scenario: You have good reason to suspect a cop has infiltrated your group, and have narrowed down the possibilities to two suspects. Every other member of the group is exonerated by some piece of evidence, and all the evidence together seems to implicate the two suspects equally. One night, you get a Facebook alert from your phone telling you that you were tagged in a protest selfie taken by one of these two suspects at a protest earlier that day. You notice that the other suspect has also posted a protest selfie from the day’s protest, in which you are also visible, and yet has failed to tag you. Which one is the cop?

Answer: They’re both cops.

Anyone who takes a protest selfie for any reason and under any conditions is a cop, and must accordingly be beaten senseless.

Scenario: At a meeting, you notice a comrade has gone missing, and you check out back. Sure enough, you find your comrade, on the phone. As soon as they see you, they hurriedly hang up before you can make out what the conversation was about and stuff their phone in their pocket, looking nervous. “Are you alright?” you ask. “Yeah, fine, I’m coming right back in”, they reply. “Who was that on the phone?” you ask. “Oh, just my dealer”, they respond. Do you believe them? Are they a cop?

Answer: It doesn’t matter if you believe them, they are definitely a cop.

If they were lying about the phone call, they were likely covering up for a call to their cop buddies, snitching on you and your comrades like the filthy rat they are. The only acceptable response is to beat them senseless. If, on the other hand, they were telling the truth, that means that they do drugs, and no genuine communist does drugs. That’s cop behaviour, and they must be beaten senseless in response.

Scenario: You show up at 11 in the morning for a protest scheduled for that time. You’re the first one there, and begin unrolling the banner you brought and survey the street. A uniformed officer of the bourgeois state apparatus approaches you and asks you what you’re doing. You tell them you’re part of a protest, and that you were informed you didn’t need a permit for that. The officer confirms this and walks off. Just then, one of your comrades surprises you by coming up from behind and tapping you on the shoulder. Your comrade notes that you’ve wrapped a bandana around your face to conceal your identity and asks if that’s strictly necessary. “Are we going to be doing anything illegal?” they ask you, seemingly in earnest. “No, but I’d prefer to not have too many photos of myself all over the internet all the same,” you reply. Your comrade looks suspicious, but doesn’t ask you any further questions. Could they be a cop?

Answer: No, you’re a cop.

No genuine communist would ever arrive to any action, or indeed anything else, at the scheduled time. Communists are constantly late, both as a symbol of defiance of bourgeois clocks, and simply because their consciousness of their alienation under capitalism makes it impossible for them to function in any part of their everyday lives. Only a cop, one of those fascist agents of the bourgeois state, would be able to make it to a communist event at the time previously appointed. Your comrade should beat you senseless before any others arrive on the scene with an undercover cop like yourself.

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New Zealand Left Relocates to Australia

Sheeps

AUCKLAND – Announcing that “we’ve had a good run”, the entire New Zealand left held a press conference today at which they declared their intention to relocate to Australia, gain Australian citizenship, and help foment socialist revolution in Australia.

“There’s not really much point in going on anymore, is there? We kept expecting to see a resurgent far right like they have in the rest of the Anglosphere, scaring massive… er… relatively massive numbers of young liberals into our arms, but that didn’t happen,” explained Sophie Brown, spokeswoman from the New Zealand ISO.

“Speaking for my own organisation, we were always internationalists, so we have no attachment to particular conditions, and anyway Australia’s not so very different to New Zealand. We have Socialist Alternative waiting to take us in with open arms.”

Ian Wilson, an Auckland-area anarchist, agreed: “One day we won’t have borders, but for now we reckon we’re inside the wrong ones for our ideology. Australia may not exactly be a  left-wing country, but us Kiwis are too moderate all around as things stand. Those of us who don’t have organisations or groups waiting for us intend to mill about for a while and see what suits us. I’ve got some friends in Sydney whose couch I can crash on while I go commune shopping.”

Asked if they were prepared for struggle against the rising tide of nativist chauvinism and fascism, all present answered in the affirmative: “Yeah man, Pauline Hanson, Malcolm Turnbull, bring it on! The people want some bloody action, and we can’t sustain that here in boring old Kiwiland,” reported “Adam”, a member of a tiny group calling itself the “New Communist Party of Aotearoa”, which will apparently be liquidating itself so it can join one of the many successful Maoist grouplets in Australia.

“Most of us won’t really be directly victimised, not being wogs and all”, explained OMU spokesman Alec Manson, “But we are ready to passively declare solidarity with those who are victimised by Australian racism, from refugees being abused in prison camps to the Aboriginal Australians, who clearly just take being angry more seriously than the Māori do.”

Pol Pot “Still Fucking Cool”, Says Edgelord

PolPot

AUCKLAND – Local edgelord and very serious communist Norm Thompson at first glance appears to blend in with much of the Auckland left scene: Passionate about Māori sovereignty and always ready to rail against the National Party-led government, Thompson at first glance seems like any anarchist or Trotskyist in Auckland.

But Thompson is not a Trotskyist. He’s not even a Maoist.

“All I’m saying is, the more the revisionists and the bourgeois media slander someone, the more you have to wonder what they’re hiding. So if you think about it, how much of what you’ve heard about Cambodia can really be true?

“Pol Pot’s still fucking cool. He abolished money, mate. Abolished money. You wish you were that communist.”

Noting that “living in Auckland these days would make anyone want to evacuate to the bloody countryside, eh?”, Thompson extolled the virtues of life under the Khmer Rouge.

“Everyone was treated fairly, all the rice you could eat, the party was truly united with the masses, it was the most advanced socialist society to have ever existed. Bloody Maoists make me sick when they talk about Gonzalo and the third and higher stage, Pol Pot was doing all that stuff first.”

Asked if life under the Khmer Rouge was so good, how did pro-Vietnamese forces manage to take control so easily, the response was harsh as only anti-revisionists can be harsh: “Are you actually defending Soviet social imperialist regime change, Tito? You’re an even bigger revisionist than I thought. Everyone knows the Khmer Rouge was only removed from power thanks to the diplomatic and military might of Moscow.”

Asked if New Zealand had a history of defence of Democratic Kampuchea, like Ted Hill in Australia, which had led him to his current positions, Thompson looked saddened: “Afraid not, mate. New Zealand’s left scene is shit. I mostly just browse communist Facebook and argue with CPGB-ML about the DPRK.”

Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”

Wilcox

MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.