News in Brief: Eid Edition

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İSTANBUL – Following the AKP’s traditional crackdown on LGBT groups in Turkey, Devrimci Parti have released their traditional Eid/Bayram/Cejn message, which includes the traditional condemnation of ÖDP as anti-Kurdish chauvinists.

TEHRAN – Communists across Iran are enjoying a relaxing Eid of reading uncritical defences of the Iranian regime by foreign Marxists whose ideology puts them at no personal risk, as it does in Iran.

JAFFA – Palestinian Muslims are transitioning from a Ramadan of being mocked by the Zionist media for fasting, to the rest of the year, where they are mocked by the Zionist media for everything else except fasting.

SARAJEVO – Svaki dan je Ramazan, i svaki drot je namazan. Svaki čovjek ima prazen džep: ovaj Balkan je ljudi stvoren za rep.

Abbas on Tears at Peres Funeral: “He was my only friend”

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OCCUPIED EAST JERUSALEM – Following controversy surrounding his controversial attendence of the funeral of former Israeli President Shimon Peres, Arab social media have had their worst suspicions confirmed upon discovering that Mahmoud Abbas even cried at the funeral of Shimon Peres, who, in addition to being responsible for countless crimes against the Palestinians and Lebanese, was also not above spilling the blood of his co-nationals, as he was the one who had Yitzhak Rabin assassinated.

We repeat: Shimon Peres had Yitzhak Rabin assassinated, and then presided over the conversion of the peace process into another means of normalising perpetual occupation.

“Did I cry at the Isra-EElee bresident’s funeral? Yes. Because Mr. Beres was my best friend. He was my only friend. Sometimes I would sit on the edge of my bed late at night and call him, and we would talk for hours about our hobes and dreams.

“We had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same brothels in Morocco, the same hotels in Dubai, the same big Machers we bit our tongues in front of, a similar battalion of lackeys who bit their tongues in front of us. It was lonely at the tob, but we had each other. Now I have no one. Even my family votes for Hamas behind my back.”

The PFLP have released their own statement in response to the latest chapter in the romance between Fatah and “liberal Zionism”:

“While the imperialist bourgeoisie joins the traitor Mahmoud Abbas in mourning the passing of Shimon Peres, we know that militant communists around the world stand in solidarity with the oppressed Palestinian people instead, and mourn all of our martyrs. Abbas can say that he lost his only friend, but we know that we still have a friend in Stefan Engel.

“Although this is a written statement, we wish to assure the reader that at this juncture Stefan Engel appeared in the room where it was being written and bumped fists with us.”

Israel: “Please Barzani, Save Us”

 

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OCCUPIED JERUSALEM – Citing concerns that past statements had perhaps been too subtle, designed as they were to play off popular support for the PYD, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Tzipi Hotovely held a press conference today in which she directly addressed KRG President Masoud Barzani:

“Look Barzani, you know what this is all really about. You know our predicament. The KCK keeps gaining more and more power, and you’re just sitting there, letting them take it,” said Hotovely, referring to the Kurdish umbrella organisation born out of armed struggle, allied with the Palestinian liberation movement through the PFLP.

“We don’t know when you’re planning to step in and stop this, but terrorists are taking over Kurdistan, and this doesn’t just hurt us, but you too. Do what’s right, and invade Northern Syria and take over. The women of Kurdistan, by which I mean myself, demand this.

“Is this about ISIS? Does that really bother you? We can’t just call them off in Iraq with the Shi’as over there, being all… Shi’a. Why don’t you make friends with the Sunni Arabs, and then we’ll call them off. You guys are Sunni, right? Or is Kurdish a sect? How does that work? Can you be both? I’m extremely new to all this.”

In an unusual move, the PFLP responded by releasing its own statement directed at the increasingly unpopular US-backed puppet leader of Iraqi Kurdistan:

“Barzani, don’t listen to 7u6uwali, she’s drunk. We are your real bros, we speak the same language… Oh wait, you’re not happy about that. Hold up, I’m going to start over now.

“Hey Barzani, we assure you that we’ve spoken to some PKK guys in Beirut, and they swear they’ll give you all of Kurdistan as soon as they’re done beating ISIS. Honestly. They’re just being coy. So just let them do whatever they want, and the kingdom will be yours. It’s going to be great. Her bijî.”

The press statement was concluded with the PFLP spokesman fist-bumping Stefan Engel, who flashed the victory sign at the camera.

Workers’ Liberty Condemns Palestinian Assault on Israeli Rights

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LONDON – Alliance for Workers’ Liberty has surprised absolutely no one by responding to a recent increase in Israeli settler and military assaults on the occupied Palestinians with a condemnation of the latter for “supporting Hamas” and “denying the Jewish people their divinely promised homeland”.

“Hamas is anti-Semitic, and you’re anti-Semitic too,” Sean Harrison, a representative of Workers’ Liberty informed Worker’s Spatula during an interview earlier today. “Arabs need to stop being such Nazi Islamists, they’re trampling on Israel’s right to self-determination. And as for you lot, Worker’s Spatula supports the SSNP, isn’t it? You’re all National Bolsheviks. That’s what I read on Twitter, anyway.

“Israel has a right to defend itself from Stalinist Arab civilians. All Arabs are Stalinists, except Revolutionary Socialists in Egypt, but they’re Cliffites, which is even worse, because they hate Jews. Tony Cliff was a self-hating Jew.”

“The only nice Arabs are the FSA, of course, they’re secular democrats fighting for genuine democracy, unlike those filthy Palestinians. You can tell because their enemies are Arabs and not Jews.”

Harrison insisted we publish all their statements, in the hopes that Palestinians living under the boot of the occupying Israeli state could “understand our true internationalist analysis and cease their chauvinistic oppression of Israel. The Arabs must learn to seek peace and stop provoking Israel like the warmongering jihadists they are.”

“We and the Israelis teach our workers to love, the Arabs teach their workers to hate,” he concluded.