Austrian Left Announces New Strategy to Combat Right­-wing Surge

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VIENNA – After alarming election results which saw the fascist Freedom Party (FPÖ) gain over 30% in regional elections and with more such results to come, Austrian leftists and left­ liberals have shown remarkable unity and announced a new common strategy on how to combat the FPÖ. Despite their unity they could not agree on holding a joint press conference, and each major element of the struggle held their own.

The Social Democratic Party (SPÖ) held their press conference at the notoriously haughty and expensive Cafe Landtmann, which they regularly use, i.e. To hold press conferences costing 50,000 Euros for a couple of hours in order to announce their intensified struggle against economic inequality. Chancellor Werner Faymann and Michael Häupl, the mayor of Vienna, appeared together for this landmark statement. Häupl stated that because of the immense importance he had stayed completely sober leading up to the press conference at 10 a.m., adding that he intended to stay sober throughout the event and asked everyone to show solidarity with him throughout this great sacrifice. Faymann then elaborated on the new strategy:

“Obviously, they are on the rise and we keep losing votes. It is only a matter of time before they take power. After every election we tell ourselves and the people that we have to communicate better. Our political strategists have now arrived at the conclusion that the problem might not be communication after all. Thus, we, as the ruling party of Austria, are going to dissolve the Austrian state and integrate it into Germany. We already have so many German refugees here who come to work because of low wages in Germany, or because their secondary school grades were insufficient to attend university there, so it won’t make a huge difference. Thus, we will prevent the right­wing takeover of Austria, and I will be an Austrian hero. Just as we still celebrate Kurt Schuschnigg, pretending that he sought to save Austria from Nazi Germany, while he and his party did everything they could to eliminate every serious resistance beforehand. We believe, because of that the the ÖVP [the conservative Austrian People’s Party that still celebrates the heritage of the Austrofascist dictator Dollfuß and his successor Schuschnigg – WS] will be on our side as well.”

The Green Party held their very own brunch press conference at a posh café in the 7th district. Chairwoman Eva Glawischnig stated: “For years we have been telling the people who are voting for the FPÖ that they are stupid and uneducated. Yet, they still continue to vote for them. I don’t know what else to do, so we convened with the SPÖ and agreed that we will dissolve Austria. I am very happy about that for our party, as this will finally allow us to eliminate every modest left element still existing within our party and become the party for the liberal bourgeoisie and the rich with some ecological consciousness like the German Green Party have already accomplished. As a part of Germany, we can finally also participate in wars around the globe – I am already checking the maps, do you have any suggestion for countries to bomb?” Julian Schmid, the youngest and sexiest MP, added: “I participated in the student occupation of the University of Vienna and in other extremist ultra­left activities. Trust me, that’s nothing for me. In the Green Party I can travel across Austria and take selfies with beautiful women everywhere. Obviously everyone loves me, because I am just so handsome. If we integrate into Germany, I can expand my radius and travel all over Germany as well. I am very excited.”

The KPÖ issued its statement at Café Siebenstern at 7 p.m., in order to cover up for the fact that they were already drunk in the morning. Didi Zach stated: “We were always in favor of ‘Greater Germany’, as this is clearly what the old Stalinist KPÖ opposed so fiercely. Thus it can’t be all bad, right?” He then proceeded to empty his pint all at once and refused to comment further.

A spokesperson of the KPÖ youth organisation continued to discuss their take on the issue: “It’s actually quite brilliant you see. We all know that the FPÖ is undecided on the national question for Austria. They pretend to be Austrian patriots, but a considerable part of their cadres think there is no Austrian nation and we are all Germans. Now they have to take a stance, and it will considerably weaken them in any event.” Asked about his stance he clarified that the KPÖ youth was “in full support of ‘Greater Germany'”:

“You know, many of us are anti-Germans. So if we’re part of Germany, we can support Israel even more ferociously and have a bulletproof leftist façade. In fact, I would love to see the Netherlands integrated as well, so we would have a strong ally in our fight for the legalisation of marijuana.”

IST affiliate Neue Linkswende staged a rally in a cultural centre run by the ATİB, an organisation directly governed by the Turkish Presidency for Religious Affairs (Diyanet), and therefore the AKP government of Turkey. A spokesperson for the organisation read the following statement:

“First of all, we would like to thank the Turkish state and President Erdoğan for the great opportunity to speak here. We have been warning for years about the FPÖ. It was literally the only thing we were doing, besides supporting various Islamist movements in Austria and around the globe. Many said they were annoyed by our liberal one-note politics, but now they see we were right. It’s not like we’re completely happy with being German now, but we are in critical support of the initiative.”

“We didn’t like Merkel’s latest turn regarding Assad, as there can be no justification for speaking with a brutal dictator instead of the Syrian revolution that incorporates committed democrats like the Nusra Front, Ahrar ash-Sham, and ISIS. So that’s a little bit problematic, but it clearly enjoys the support of bourgeois democrats, which is all that matters.”

“Anyway, at least you can’t run around freely propagating the terrorist PKK in Germany, like in treasonous Austria, which doesn’t defend national unity in Turkey like we do. So we’re obviously in favour of that. Also, being in Germany, we can now merge with our German sister party Marx21 and become a member of Die Linke. That’s really great. I read on Wikipedia that Marx21 has about 400 members – it sounds a little bit exaggerated to me, but with us joining it would be around 420 people, bringing us one step closer to permanent revolution.”

IMCWP affiliate Partei der Arbeit (Party of Labour) issued a written statement on their homepage in response to those declarations. “We’re doing our best to continue our further descent into irrelevance. But once again it seems we are the only ones, like the old KPÖ, who seriously defend the independent Austrian nation and thus these idiots force us to become somewhat relevant again. As we are clearly not prepared for that, we suspect that this is a reactionary imperialist plot to eliminate us completely.”

There were no international reactions on this important discussion. None.

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