Revolutionaries Condemn Entire Serbian Working Class as NATO Pawns


BELGRADE – As part of Worker’s Spatula’s long-standing project of surveying the state of dialectical thought in the Balkans – and heavily confused by the mysterious disappearance of our dearest comrades from Partija Rada from the very face of the earth – we turn our attention towards the bulwark of Marxism-Leninism that is Serbia’s NKPJ.

After a short correspondence with the NKPJ Central Committee and the suggestion that we should contact their youth wing, the unpretentiously named SKOJ, for “matters related to computers and the internet”, our official ex-Yugo correspondent has managed to arrange an official meeting with SKOJ’s secretariat in their party headquarters.

After dutifully saluting the first human face he saw upon entering the office – a life-size portrait of Comrade Stalin – and spontaneously bursting into a tearful rendition of Oshanin’s “Thank you, Great Leader”, our correspondent was greeted by a pleasant old man suspiciously resembling Felix Dzerzhinsky and escorted into a room occupied by seven dour-faced yet steely-eyed youths, who promptly introduced themselves as the seven secretaries of SKOJ.

After a round of proper comradely greetings and a customary shot of rakija, the seven secretaries started to explain the grim state of class struggle in Serbia:

“Of course, we are worried about the increasingly repressive nature of the bourgeois state apparatus under Vučić,” said First Secretary Aleksandar Đenić. “But what worries are even more is what appears to be complete NATO control over all opposition forces.”

“It appears we are facing a prelude to a repeat of the counter-revolution of October 5th, 2000,” continued the increasingly agitated First Secretary. “We, as communists and anti-imperialists, cannot allow this to happen.”

Our correspondent furiously scribbled notes as he asked: “But what would NATO gain from this, isn’t Vučić already a firmly pro-Western neoliberal?”

“It’s all part of a global trend, like in Brazil, or Syria, or Libya,” explained Đenić, listing several countries with very similar relationships to US imperialism as compared to Serbia. “The Americans seem to simply have an insatiable appetite for destruction.”

At that moment, Milan Petković, his young and energetic comrade, quickly chimed in: “There is this anti-government movement in the streets, and they use a big yellow duck as a symbol. The same duck was used in Brazil as a mascot of the American-sponsored coup movement. It may be that the Belgrade duck predates the Brazilian duck it copies, but this is only evidence of the deep entrenchment of NATO in the Serbian opposition. Let’s not even mention the fag parades and all other forms of NATO-sponsored bourgeois imperialist capitalist liberal degeneracy designed to weaken the Serbian national moral character.”

“Anarchists, Trotskyites, and other liberals accuse us of sponsoring right-wing, fascist initiatives against the ‘yellow duck’. But I’m sure that, as a fellow Marxist-Leninist, you agree that popular alliances with sections of the national bourgeoisie are entirely acceptable when carried out in a proper anti-imperialist fashion,” Petković continued, his voice quaking with righteous anger.

First Secretary Đenić raised his finger, as if to calm his younger comrade: “Actually, we have developed a thesis which posits that any form of anti-government resistance at this point objectively serves the interests of American imperialism, and so we advise the working class to cease all forms of resistance until American imperialism stops being an objective threat. Otherwise they will be held complicit as conscious participants in NATO schemes against the Serbian people, and will have justified the use of all forms of state violence that the Serbian nation has ever deemed fit to use against its enemies.”

At this juncture, our correspondent thanked the seven secretaries for an enlightening interview. It might have just been the rakija, but as he was heading out the lobby he was certain that he saw the fatherly visage of Comrade Stalin speckled with tears.


Debate on EU Membership Heats up: “Lenin said a lot of things”


LONDON – As the debate on EU membership heats up, members of the British ICOR affiliate Party of Labour (Welsh: Partija Rada) have been thrown into confusion by Jeremy Corbyn switching sides on this crucial issue. Cadres across Britain are engaged in fierce discussion which includes no small amount of personal polemic. A Worker’s Spatula correspondent was witness to one such discussion in a pub.

“Petty bourgeois reformism!” declared Red London member Victoria Barry as she paused from her lager to respond to her comrade John Armstrong’s assessment of the EU as a force for positive change in British labour laws. “At best, Comrade Corbyn is only taking this position tactically so that those less advanced sectors of the British proletariat cannot be scared away from our party by Tory propaganda over this issue. At worst, you’re both guilty of modern… er… post-modern revisionism!”

Armstrong defended himself with what appeared to be a trump card: “On the subject of revisionism, do you want to be in the trenches with not only UKIP, but George Galloway?”

A murmur of agreement spread across the table at the mention of the hated Galloway.

“Anyone can make that argument. Literally ANYONE can, because Galloway’s position on this or any other matter of EU policy is subject to change at the drop of his rather silly hat. Like his painfully beardless hero, Mao Zedong, he is guilty of constant zig-zags in policy. If Corbyn and Galloway switch places, it should be irrelevant to us. The question is what Comrade Lenin would say about the EU,” retorted Barry.

“Lenin said a lot of things,” Armstrong responded before rising to purchase another beer.

Barry returned to her own beer, tears in her eyes, before placing headphones in her ears and putting on an INLA song on her smartphone’s mp3 player.

“We’re the INLA… freedom fighters…” she crooned off-key while glaring after Armstrong.

At press time, almost everyone at the table had been declared a “scoundrel” by someone else, and several individuals were declared to be the agents of various imperialist powers, “out to sabotage the British revolution”.