Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

US Anarchists and Liberals Celebrate Murray Bookchin, Leader of the Kurdish People

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NEW YORK – This weekend, at an anarchist collective in Queens known as “the Headquarters”, a free event commemorating Murray Bookchin will reportedly take place. The event is being organised in collaboration with various liberal and anarchist-dominated student groups throughout the tri-state area to express their admiration for the work of Bookchin and their solidarity with the Kurdish struggle which he sacrificed so much to lead.

A statement read:

“Who is Murray Bookchin? He was born to a modest Kurdish family in New York, the son of Russian Kurdish immigrants. Through his sheer love of freedom and force of will, he singlehandedly transformed his party, the PKK, and the entire Kurdish struggle from evil Stalinists to ecological-feminist anarchists. It was Bookchin’s brave efforts that brought the movement to the heights of revolutionary success it enjoys today, and it is safe to say that he is also the individual who did the most in the fight against ISIS. A real American hero, we invite you all to join us in celebrating the life of Murray Bookchin.”

Reactions from Kurdistan ranged from anger to astonishment. KCK co-chair Cemil Bayık sighed when confronted with the statement during an interview with Med-Nûçe TV. He slid forward on his traditional plastic chair and shook his head in despair. “I don’t know why I even bother giving all these interviews if Bookchin’s just going to get all the credit.” he lamented.

Meanwhile, in Wan, a Kurdish activist named Rojda spoke with our correspondent over qaçax çay: “Who? Bûkşîn? Who’s that?”

A spokesperson for the UK SWP responded to our correspondent’s request for a comment thus: “See, this is why you can’t trust the Kurds. They were all Stalinists, well, I mean, they’re still all Stalinists, but some kind of mad anarcho-Stalinists. Also, they’re objectively agents of US and Russian imperialism. They’re agents of Russian imperialism because they insist that ISIS, and not Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria. Ridiculous. They’re agents of US imperialism because they have objectively done nothing to challenge US hegemony. If they were serious, they would read Tony Cliff and Callinicos, cut out all this business of leading the broad Kurdish masses and focus on polite and legal organisation of unionised industrial workers, and of course, declare the primary contradiction in Syria and Turkey to be Islamophobia. Maybe then they could earn our respect, and we might even consider them for IST membership. But in the meantime, I’m sorry, we just don’t take them seriously.”

Responses were also obtained from parties that haven’t lost the plot entirely. Our correspondent in Santiago de Chile enquired with local PC(AC) activists if there was a similar movement to commemorate Bookchin as a revolutionary leader whose work was now manifested in Rojava. “What? No.” snorted one young man with hippie-length hair. “Not that I like our anarchists, but I think they make them a special class of stupid in gringo countries.”

MLPD leader and standing German national weightlifting champion Stefan Engel send us a short message via WhatsApp stating: “ICOR is, as you know, organising solidarity brigades to Kobanê to assist in the reconstruction of the city. I will now propose a motion for sending intellectual solidarity brigades to the US to explain to the people there what’s going on in the world.” He concluded the message by adding 3 beer emojis, which presumably means that he was on or had just completed his third beer.

Jeremy Corbyn Declares the Guardian “Revisionists”

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LONDON – Following Jonathon Freedland’s opinion piece claiming that Jeremy Corbyn’s “old new” Labour party was “alienating” the victims of austerity and pushing them closer to the Tories, Jeremy Corbyn has emerged from his Islington bunker to issue a statement against the Guardian, flanked by representatives of various other ICOR parties, including a masked woman from the MLKP in Turkey and a young man from the PC(AP) in Chile with long hippie hair.

“Revisionists!” bellowed Corbyn before pausing to take a drag on a thick Cuban cigar. “Revisionists are in charge of the Guardian! They continue to sabotage the Party of Labour under the guise of friendly criticism! But principled criticism comes from our comrades who are embedded among the revolutionary masses, not petty bourgeois Red Tories who sneer at us because we represent the iron will of the working peoples of Britain!”

“We have long tolerated the large numbers of the revisionists at the Guardian and protected them from the wrath of the masses, but this time has come to an end! Our few friends at the Guardian, who continue to uphold the correct Marxist-Leninist line, like Seamus Milne, are expected to tender their resignation at once! All of the forces we control must take an immediate stand against the Guardian and its Khrushchevite revisionism, and henceforth get all their news from an ICOR-approved source, like Worker’s Spatula.”

“Worker’s Spatula is the only news source reporting on Britain as it actually is, unclouded by bourgeois distortions, fiercely committed to upholding the correct line of Marxism-Leninism! In particular, they have supported our campaign to arm John McDonnell, so that he might lead a battalion in Rojava to defend the revolution alongside other anti-revisionist comrades from around the world and the heroic Kurdish national resistance!”

At this juncture, the crowd which had formed in front of Corbyn’s Islington bunker erupted into a spontaneous chant of “ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW! ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW!”

By nightfall, mobs began sweeping cities around the UK seeking out any newsstands still selling the hated revisionist rag, the Guardian, so as to destroy them all in bonfires. By the next morning, graffiti could be seen on nearly every street in Sheffield with slogans such as “Jezza, Labour, Victory!”, “Combat lib-dem-ism!”, “Die Tory scum!”, and of course “Be impolite to Trots.”

In today’s edition of the Guardian, Owen Jones has reportedly released an opinion piece condemning himself for writing for the Guardian and calling on all Corbyn-supporters to not read his piece, which he himself denies having read during the writing process.

CPUSA Wins “Worst Communist Party in the World” Award, Again

PARIS – An unsurprising victory for the Communist Party USA at the 24th Annual International Communist Awards, affectionately known as “the Commies” in English-speaking countries, as they were awarded the title of “Worst Communist Party in the World” for the fifth year in a row.

Like all Commie awards, “Worst Communist Party” is awarded after careful deliberation in strict accordance with the principle of Democratic Centralism.

As in years past, Trotskyists and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists managed to reach a compromise between their usually antagonistic worldviews, closing ranks to attack the IMCWP.

Subsequently, the majority supported awarding the title to the CPUSA again, though a significant minority also suggested switching things up a bit by awarding the title to the Japanese Communist Party.

Among the themes of the discussion which ultimately led to the award going to the CPUSA were the excessive cowardice and opportunism of the CPUSA, “even by the modest standards of the US Left”, their “barely concealed hatred of Lenin”, the “deep ignorance of Marxism and international politics” displayed by most of their membership, and that many of them are “unpleasant to be around, on a personal level”.

A representative of the Left Communist Italian group the International Communist Party commented that she would find it “funny” if “every single member of the CPUSA” were to suffer a “Kronstadt”.

Stefan Engel, who heads the organising committee for the awards, recommended that the CPUSA not even be allowed to attend the Commies next year, thus “depriving reactionaries of the right to speak, so that the people alone may have that right.”

Recognising a Mao reference, all Maoists in attendance murmured in agreement.

However, this proposal was struck down after it was pointed out by Eduardo Artés, of the Chilean Communist Party (Proletarian Action), that the Commies are his one chance every year to “spit in Sam Webb’s drink”, and he wasn’t going to attend “some boring CPUSA event, in the US no less” in exchange for this privilege.