News In Brief: February 22nd 2016

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İSTANBUL – It’s becoming increasingly apparent that bourgeois “leftist” Boğaziçi student and self-proclaimed “Trotskyist” Ayşegül Yılmaz does not actually know who Stalin and Trotsky were: “Stalin’s model was one of one-man dictatorship which was worse than capitalism, and he opposed democracies around the world,” said Yılmaz, espousing views closer to those of Kautsky than Trotsky and ascribing to the Marxist-Leninist leader views more akin to those of Blanqui than any of the above. “Trotsky understood you have to let the people make a revolution, whereas Stalin believed a small dictatorial clique could abolish capitalism for the people”. Her friend, Levent Öztürk, agreed: “The worst part about Stalin was that he was so power mad, he wanted to take over the world. He should’ve just built socialism in one country, like the Cubans.”

KUALA LUMPUR – Friends Amar bin Yusuf and Lim Yew finished watching the documentary “the Last Communist” by Amir Muhammad in the latter’s apartment. “Pretty cool,” commented bin Yusuf to Lim. “Too bad we can’t have anything like that in today’s Malaysia.” “Yeah,” agreed Lim. “Those days are over now…” he lamented, clicking away from the YouTube window, which contained a related video on Lenin’s “What Is To be Done?”.

OUAGADOUGOU – Parti communiste révolutionnaire voltaïque cadres continue to wonder why they aren’t more popular with the Burkinabe masses. “We don’t get it! We refused to work with Thomas Sankara in the past, and we refuse to change our name to reflect the current legal name of the country to this day,” complained party cadre Souleymane Bambara. “Why can’t the stupid people of the Upper Volta see that we are the real revolutionaries and anti-imperialists? After all, we’re the ones with relations to EMEP!”

NEW YORK – People are acting surprised that CPUSA is more in Hillary Clinton’s pocket than most registered Democrats at this point. I mean, it’s the CPUSA. The more interesting news is the RCPUSA, which is intervening in the Republican primaries to support Cruz against “Trumpite fascism”.