All Trump Wants for Chanukkah is a United 32 County Socialist Transjordan

AllIwantForChanukkah

JERUSALEM/AL-QUDS – Following the usual misinterpretation of Comrade Trump’s progressive accelerationist views in the FAKE NEWS MEDIA, Worker’s Spatula, the only honest news source in the English language, and the true force behind the election of Comrade Trump, are forced to once again set the record straight.

“I love you Worker’s Spatula kids, you’re the best, really I love you, can I say how much, is anybody seeing this?” exclaimed the Donald to a cheering crowd in Jerusalem, as he motioned to the small Worker’s Spatula contingent standing in the front row, waving our red Spatula and Sickle flag. “These are the only ones who tell it like it is, don’t you all listen to the rest, it’s all FAKE NEWS!

“Sad!” added the President of the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa.

“So as I was saying: Tel Aviv is no capital, because the Zionist entity is entirely illegitimate,” explained Trump, to the crowd of Hebrew and Arab socialists who had poured into the streets to hear the only hope for the US speak on the important political questions of their region. “We won’t accept their phony two-state solution, because our only goal is a united, thirty-two county socialist republic encompassing all of Transjordan! We’re going to build an Phalaistín Nua, we’re going to do it by Chanukkah, and we’re going to make the Brits pay for it!

“Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!”

The PFLP greeted the announcement warmly, and called upon all Trump supporters and other enemies of the Zionists to join them in their renewed struggle against the occupation, until Palestine should be free, from sea to shining Dead Sea, and then well into the fucking desert where the British occupational authorities drew some arbitrary jagged straight-line borders.

The PFLP’s statement underlined, however, that those borders are sacred, because there is a Syrian nation which is the same thing as the Syrian state. As a citation, we were referred to “the noted Middle East experts in the CPGB-ML.”

Meanwhile, across that border, the THKP-C/MLSPB took a break from their busy schedule of armed propaganda to release the following press statement in response to the rapidly escalating developments in Palestine:

Our fighters are being stretched thin across all the fronts we have to fight on, but we’re extremely hopeful. Not long ago we were saying that Rojava is the Bekaa Vadisi of the 21st century. Now the entire Arab geography is being opened up to more and more opportunities for armed struggle and everyday resistance.

We are confident that the revolutionary masses of this great geography will soon join us in our rightful struggle. We are right, we will win.

We encourage all our trench comrades in Turkey and Kurdistan to study the Arabic language, and be ready for struggle at any time from Yemen to Tunisia.

There are those cowards and reformists who fear the coming storm which will consume the old order across the Arab world. To them we say: how many months ago was ISIS a threatening spectre which was expected to pull all of the region into its barbaric sway. But thanks to the determination of everyday working people, of the poor and oppressed, of the Kurdish guerrillas and the Marxist-Leninists of Turkey, ISIS were beaten back and now Raqqah has fallen.

Fear not the coming struggle, comrades! Was it not Mahir Çayan who said:

“There is great chaos under heaven; the situation is excellent.”

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Abbas on Tears at Peres Funeral: “He was my only friend”

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OCCUPIED EAST JERUSALEM – Following controversy surrounding his controversial attendence of the funeral of former Israeli President Shimon Peres, Arab social media have had their worst suspicions confirmed upon discovering that Mahmoud Abbas even cried at the funeral of Shimon Peres, who, in addition to being responsible for countless crimes against the Palestinians and Lebanese, was also not above spilling the blood of his co-nationals, as he was the one who had Yitzhak Rabin assassinated.

We repeat: Shimon Peres had Yitzhak Rabin assassinated, and then presided over the conversion of the peace process into another means of normalising perpetual occupation.

“Did I cry at the Isra-EElee bresident’s funeral? Yes. Because Mr. Beres was my best friend. He was my only friend. Sometimes I would sit on the edge of my bed late at night and call him, and we would talk for hours about our hobes and dreams.

“We had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same brothels in Morocco, the same hotels in Dubai, the same big Machers we bit our tongues in front of, a similar battalion of lackeys who bit their tongues in front of us. It was lonely at the tob, but we had each other. Now I have no one. Even my family votes for Hamas behind my back.”

The PFLP have released their own statement in response to the latest chapter in the romance between Fatah and “liberal Zionism”:

“While the imperialist bourgeoisie joins the traitor Mahmoud Abbas in mourning the passing of Shimon Peres, we know that militant communists around the world stand in solidarity with the oppressed Palestinian people instead, and mourn all of our martyrs. Abbas can say that he lost his only friend, but we know that we still have a friend in Stefan Engel.

“Although this is a written statement, we wish to assure the reader that at this juncture Stefan Engel appeared in the room where it was being written and bumped fists with us.”

Israel: “Please Barzani, Save Us”

 

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OCCUPIED JERUSALEM – Citing concerns that past statements had perhaps been too subtle, designed as they were to play off popular support for the PYD, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Tzipi Hotovely held a press conference today in which she directly addressed KRG President Masoud Barzani:

“Look Barzani, you know what this is all really about. You know our predicament. The KCK keeps gaining more and more power, and you’re just sitting there, letting them take it,” said Hotovely, referring to the Kurdish umbrella organisation born out of armed struggle, allied with the Palestinian liberation movement through the PFLP.

“We don’t know when you’re planning to step in and stop this, but terrorists are taking over Kurdistan, and this doesn’t just hurt us, but you too. Do what’s right, and invade Northern Syria and take over. The women of Kurdistan, by which I mean myself, demand this.

“Is this about ISIS? Does that really bother you? We can’t just call them off in Iraq with the Shi’as over there, being all… Shi’a. Why don’t you make friends with the Sunni Arabs, and then we’ll call them off. You guys are Sunni, right? Or is Kurdish a sect? How does that work? Can you be both? I’m extremely new to all this.”

In an unusual move, the PFLP responded by releasing its own statement directed at the increasingly unpopular US-backed puppet leader of Iraqi Kurdistan:

“Barzani, don’t listen to 7u6uwali, she’s drunk. We are your real bros, we speak the same language… Oh wait, you’re not happy about that. Hold up, I’m going to start over now.

“Hey Barzani, we assure you that we’ve spoken to some PKK guys in Beirut, and they swear they’ll give you all of Kurdistan as soon as they’re done beating ISIS. Honestly. They’re just being coy. So just let them do whatever they want, and the kingdom will be yours. It’s going to be great. Her bijî.”

The press statement was concluded with the PFLP spokesman fist-bumping Stefan Engel, who flashed the victory sign at the camera.

Leftist New York Jews Condemn US SWP

JewsSayNo

NEW YORK CITY – In response to one Seth Galinsky’s piece in The Militant condemning the BDS movement as indicative of “Jew Hatred” and an attack on “free speech”, assorted red diaper babies in New York City have condemned of the SWP as “Zionists” and “shmendriks”.

“Is this meant to be a joke?” asked Joan Weiss, a member of Jews Say No, an organisation which regularly organises protests to condemn Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people. “I was a Trot back in the day, and we never had a problem with making ‘a pariah of Israel’.”

“They’re Shachtmanites,” retorted her friend and salsa dancing enthusiast Andy Bernstein, who lives with his much younger partner Pablo on the Upper West Side and writes for Socialist Worker. “Shachtmanites wreck everything. They wrecked US Trotskyism and now they want to wreck our solidarity with the Palestinian people! Wreckers!”

“The Militant, they call themselves,” laughed mockingly one Sam Schmidt, RCPUSA activist and Chinese culture expert. “These Trots wouldn’t know militancy if it walked up and introduced itself, selling a copy of Revolution. By the way, check out our latest edition of Revolution!”

Spartacist League activist Ruth Gold refused to condemn the SWP’s stance on Israel and BDS, but insisted we print her correction about our characterisation of the SWP as “Trotskyists”: “I wish you Stalinists would stop calling the SWP Trotskyists. I mean, we don’t consider the UK SWP Trotskyists either, because we are the only real Trotskyists, but the US SWP explicitly rejected Permanent Revolution, making them Stalinists.”

The PFLP has not issued a response to the SWP’s criticisms, much to the surprise of SWP activists. One of their number, Abe Singer, responded: “They like Che Guevara, we like Che Guevara, I’m sure if they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner from Peking Kitchen at my place they would see that there are Jews whose views are just like theirs.”

“Except, you know, we’re more concerned with condemning Hamas than Israel. Except that one part.”