News in Brief: March 11th 2017

NormieBrother

MANILA -Reports indicate that [REDACTED], a Worker’s Spatula correspondent formerly based in Malaysia and now based in the Philippines, is hosting his fucking normie brother, who is in town on a business trip.

At press time, the former’s ideology was almost revealed when the latter burst into his room unannounced. Although the CPP propaganda was quickly thrown under the bed, our comrade’s normie brother still requested to see it.

An initial attempt to quell interest failed when being told it was “just my porn” only piqued the normie brother’s interest. Our comrade then calculated that choosing this moment to come out of the closet would result in less family strife than the revelation of his communistic views, and the subject was quickly changed.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA – Caleb Maupin is reportedly touring county fairs in Nebraska and Iowa, attempting to convince the local white population that imitating China today is the path to social harmony and progress for the United States.

While he has been largely unsuccessful at converting others to his particular brand of “socialism”, the mission has not been without incident: a 23-year-old man driving an SUV responded to Maupin’s request to “learn about Deng Xiaoping” by saying “I don’t really like Chinese food”. Maupin later barely escaped a beating by a Trump supporter by informing the latter of his close ties with the Donald.

STEMBOL – As PKK leader Abdullah Öcalan’s isolation continues, sources in touch with his lawyer have become increasingly concerned that he may have been replaced by an “Ölacan” figure.

“I mean, my god, I have spoken to my good friend Abdullah Öcalan quite recently *sniff*,” explained Öcalan’s lawyer. “And, this is to say, as we used to say in Yugoslavia, you know, the thing is, he is writing a new book.”

The reported title of the book, apparently about the Imagined, the Symbolic, and the Real of Kurdistan, is “the Mirror Stage: Libidinal Dynamics of Anatolian Resistance”. Öcalan’s lawyer also shared with us the following “very dirty joke, but also, it is completely true and serious”: The cover of the book will be the famous painting from the İmralı cell, of a labia shaped approximately like the map of Kurdistan.

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND – Local teenage Marxist Frank Hobbes has elected to join the SPGB, making him the first young person to join the party in decades.

“I just wanted to be part of a party that understood that everything literally and immediately reduces to class, in the first and final instance, and no other discussion of theory or practice is helpful, or even interesting.”

Tragically, his best internet friend, Mark Anson, another teenage Marxist from Florida, is unable to find a local equivalent organisation in which to act out the part of the caricature of Marxism that anti-Marxist liberals believe the rest of us actually are.

Dialectics “R” Us Speaks on the Duterte Situation

sison

UTRECHT, NETHERLANDS – “Do you want the short version or the long version?” Joma Sison, retired writer and passionate hobby gardener, contemplatively asks our WS correspondent, before continuing without waiting for an answer: “The short version of what Duterte is doing is: dialectics, dialectics, dialectics.

“Now, the long version is that he is diving into the manure of contradictions, which you have to do in realpolitik, and thus he is engaging in a dialectical politics with regard to Sino-American relations. And since dialectics is Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought – and we might add: Sisonism – he is displaying exemplary politics that should be supported by the CPP and the NDF.

“Not that I have any say in those organisations, but if I had, I would advise them to support him in his dialectical method. The Pilipino people are by their very nature dialectical thinkers and thus supporters of Mao Zedong Thought–Sisonism. Thus, the Pilipino people will support Duterte’s dialectics, but since – dialectically – this dialectic is basically the politics of the CPP it is safe to say that the CPP is actually in power in the Pilippines. This is the unique genius of Sisonism. Me – MABUHAY!”

Other voices were less enthusiastic about the confused statements of Rodrigo Duterte and the response of the Maoist government of the Philippines to this. Stefan Engel, the only person that can issue orders to God, responded to our request for a statement thus:

“Look, this is crap. If a guy like Duterte can confuse them, they should consider giving up. I was going to say they should join the fight in Kurdistan, where the enemy is clear. But then I think about the complex manoeuvring in Syria and Iraq between rival imperialist blocs, they’d just find some way to screw it up. So now I think they should collectively buy a massive garden in the Netherlands, which is basically Germany’s garden, and work on that.

“But hey, Joma will always be welcome in my official ICOR basement when Manny Pacquiao is on.”

Is Donald Trump a Russian Agent?

Trumping

WORKER’S SPATULA FIELD OFFICE, TONDO, MANILA – Worker’s Spatula regrets having to waste valuable time that may be spent on our unity-struggle-unity with the National Democratic Front – Philippines. However, it has come to our attention that many conspiracy theories are floating about as to the mysterious hands behind the Donald Trump campaign.

As Marxists, we all know that individual action cannot sustain itself in politics. All meaningful political behaviour must reflect coalitions of forces which reflect concrete class interests. Donald Trump is not running his campaign in the interest of “America” (meaning the entirety of “the people” of the United States) as he claims. Rather he represents an alliance of the petty bourgeoisie of the oppressor nation with the multi-national proletariat of the United States, represented by the bulk of the work for the Trump campaign behind the scenes being carried out by the tireless operatives of Worker’s Spatula.

For those who claim that Russia is behind the Trump campaign, we ask you to seriously consider: How could the relatively weak imperialist interests of Russia be reflected at the highest echelons of power in one of the two pro-system parties of the United States? The very idea is laughable. Rather, the entire Trump campaign is more or less controlled by the powerful Marxist-Leninist movement in the United States headed by the brilliant theoretical guidance of a satirical website. If we accept some tactical alliance with Russia in this pursuit, this in no way implies Russian control of the Trump campaign!

To conclude: Donald Trump is not a Russian plant, but a communist one, whose purpose is to expose the rotten system of neoliberal capitalism and accelerate the deepening of its contradictions. Worker’s Spatula calls on all revolutionaries around the world to take up the struggle and support the Donald Trump campaign, or else be relegated to the dustbin of history.

Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”

Wilcox

MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.

News in Brief: September 14th 2015

RAlogo
CİZRE, TURKISH KURDISTAN – Masses of local people emerged defiant from an eight-day siege of the town by the Turkish State to greet Selahattin Demirtaş. The massive crowd reportedly dwarfed the number of members of Trotskyist organisations around the world. At press time, Stefan Engel was spotted in a Kurdish neighbourhood in Berlin asking if anyone from Cizre could contact their relatives to enquire if the entire town would like to join ICOR.

NEW YORK – US rapper and unquestionable trend-setter Prodigy has announced a new album which will be titled “the Hegelian Dialectic”. Inside sources at the record company report that it is “very undialectical.”

MANILA – A group of Dutch Trotskyists, including Alex de Jong, are being wined and dined by a tiny Trotskyist sect affiliated with the reunified Fourth International, at which they are reportedly discussing the irrelevance of the CPP-NPA.

LONDON – A debate about women’s issues jointly organised by several Marxist organisations at SOAS reportedly ground to a halt as someone in attendance thought it would be a good idea to quote Shulamith Firestone. After a sharp sucking of air through the teeth by approximately half in attendance, everyone was silent for about 45 seconds before the subject was awkwardly changed.

JOHANNESBURG – Julius Malema has roundhouse kicked a Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Johannesburg for asking him questions about his personal lifestyle and finances. The reporter was quoted as saying “He’s still probably the best we can ask for in South Africa at present.”

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – DeLeonism apparently still a thing.