Iranian Diaspora Sip Barolo, Reaffirm Uselessness of People in Iran


BEVERLY HEEL, KAWLIFORNIYAW – The smell of cologne wafted over Southern California today as over 75 “opposition” Iranian-Americans gathered Friday night at the house of engineer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Majid Hosseini to discuss the state of Iran today. Sipping on fine Piedmontese Barolo (expertly paired with qorme sabzi), the walking advertisements for Gucci discussed the potential for political upheaval in the Southwest Asian (but actually quite “vestorn”, because they are “Aryans”, you see) country which might allow for their triumphant return to the mamlakat.

Throughout the evening, truisms about the oppressive nature of the regime and the unwillingness of the Iranian people to lift a finger to liberate themselves were repeated. “All the mollahs are donkeys!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini as the other 74 members of the group nodded along to his trailblazing and wholly original analysis. “Not a single country in the world is more oppressed and in need of liberation than Iran.”

“I just got back from Tehran, and you can see how everyone is obsessed with consumption and chasing after an elite lifestyle rather than thinking about the future,” pontificated “Doktor” Hosseini’s friend and  dentist, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Ahmad Akbarzadeh, while adjusting his blue silk shirt. “By the way, Armani is having a sample sale this weekend,” he added, to riotous applause.

His wife, Goli Akbarzadeh, programmer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman, concurred: “As long as people keep being distracted by things that don’t fundamentally matter, these donkey mollahs will keep running the country.”

Her friend from UCLA, Farideh Zamani, paused from liking selfies she had taken of herself during a shopping expedition earlier that day on Facebook to disagree: “You forget that these mollahs are such donkeys that they don’t even know how to run a country properly. I know. I went to Iran last month for my cousin’s wedding.” The lawyer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman rose above the table, propped up by her six-inch stilettos, before adding: “It’s all because of religion. They should bring back the Shah. He was a great leader who really got secularism, just like Kamawl Atatork. If he hadn’t left, we’d be just like Torkey right now.”

The sole dissenting opinion was provided by Rojin Kelhuri, a keffiyeh-clad PhD student in political science and avid reader of Worker’s Spatula, who had accidentally responded to the Facebook event invitation and had to attend based on shame alone. “The only way forward is to mobilise the workers and the oppressed in Iran in militant struggle. Not all the people in Iran are bourgeois professionals who can afford to fly back and forth from the country and pontificate on its idealised potential while not engaging in the concrete conditions.”

A tense silence covered the rest of the table as the disturbingly non-Tehrani opinions kept coming: “Iran is full of Afghan construction workers, Kurdish kids who get executed for nothing more than expressing their opinions, and the Baloch who still have to suffer from malaria in a country posting 8% economic growth! Militancy and mobilisation are the only way forward, whether in Iran or right here in LA! You’re all cut off from reality, and that’s why you admire the fascist Turkish state.”

“Stop acting the Kord!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini, “it’s always got to be about DOING something with you people. How much time do you think people have? And besides, those Afghans leave their country because Iran is the greatest country in the world – something you Kords don’t understand because you’re too busy with your smuggling and your raised fists and your PJAK.”

At press time, Kelhuri excused himself as the topic turned to the apparent laziness of “de belacks”, as evidenced by the generally lower socio-economic position compared to Iranian Americans in spite of the latter’s recent immigrant status and inferior ability to “espeak Eengleesh”.