White Britons Told They “Should Do More to Stop Terror”


LONDON – The London attack early Monday morning, in which a “white, clean-shaven” man drove a van into Muslims emerging from Ramadan prayers at a masjid in Finsbury Park, killing one and wounding eight, has sent the country once again into shock.

Persons inexplicably given money in order to write newspaper columns were quick to pass judgment.

“What we have here is a failing of the entire White British community,” İbrahim Güneş, a self-appointed terror expert, told the Spatula.

“This man would have been planning this attack surrounded by White British people. He would have been living his life largely surrounded by White British people, and if anyone would have known about his plans to carry out this attack, it would have been White British people.”

“I mean, for God’s sake,” he added. “The van was hired in South Wales or somewhere.”

Welsh commentators were quick to downplay the Welsh connection: “Cardiff and its environs have been invaded by Saxons. The attacker was English. We’re the indigenous Britons, and we’re not the problem. It’s the English you want, they’re the ones who always start all the trouble. We want all white English people deported from Wales for their war on our culture, just as any decent Asian Londoner does. All of our safety is threatened by the English menace. We stand with the victims of this attack and condemn it without reservation,” explained Rhys Jones, a Welsh stereotype and Plaid Cymru spokesperson made up for the purposes of this piece.

Normal, non-white British commentators were unimpressed by Welsh attempts to downplay their culpability: “If you don’t like being lumped in with them, secede already, byti,” chided a passing Somali gentleman, on his way back from buying laver for a traditional Cardiff iftar.

The attack occured around the anniversary of the murder of Member of Parliament and integrated White British person Jo Cox in another terror attack perpetrated by another radicalised White British person.

“There’s a lack of trust we’re seeing among the White British community,” said Rasool Rahman, who writes a column urging that Britain start foreign wars in Christian countries every Thursday for The Times.

“White Britons really have to come out and ask their friends, their family members: did you vote UKIP? And if they did, they need to tell MI5.”

“Neither should we hold back from challenging White Britons around us as to whether they’re planning this type of terrorist atrocity.”

Urging calm, Shadow Home Secretary and national treasure Diane Abbott has assured the nervous British public that White British extremism will not be tolerated, and security services are closely monitoring pubs across the country in response to the attack.

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Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Revealed as Worker’s Spatula Fabrication


CARDIFF – “Marxist-Leninist-Maoist” organisations across Western Europe were shocked to learn that the organisation which had been in touch with them under the name “Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr” does not actually exist, having been set up prior to Worker’s Spatula by some of the original Worker’s Spatula writers as a foil for jokes about Welsh people’s war.

A group of Norwegian and French Maoists, intrigued by the group’s existence thanks to Worker’s Spatula’s references to them in their coverage of British politics, travelled to Wales to meet with representatives of “the Welsh Socialist Republican Movement” and Welsh Maoism.

“We expected some level of secrecy, since Marxism-Leninism-Maoism is a political tradition that actively preaches armed struggle as a ‘universal truth’,” explained Norwegian Maoist “Kjell” to our Cardiff correspondent. “So when ordinary Welsh people pretended to have never heard of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, the Great Unrest, or the Welsh Socialist Republican Party, we weren’t surprised.”

“We got our first lead when we mentioned the name at the Plaid Cymru office, and a young man wearing a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt, a red bandana across his face, and dark sunglasses stood up and bolted out of the office,” French militant “Fatima” recounted. “He escaped between some nearby fishmongers’ stalls, but we got the idea to ask a man selling bream for help. Fortunately, he trusted us. We were led down a shadowy network of bream sellers, fishers, and inviduals otherwise involved in the bream trade. Several sheep were shagged in front of us, and even by some of our comrades in order to earn their trust.”

“It was horrible,” confirmed “Pierre”. “I never wanted to shag that sheep, and I was worried the Welsh could tell, so I shagged it multiple times and in various positions so it would be convincing.”

“We found a lot of red flags and graffiti in weird locations, but we never found a rally or a meeting of any sort. The trail went cold in a small village on the Isle of Anglesey near Llanfairpwllgwyngyll,” continued “Fatima”. “An old man there saw us staring at some of the flags and graffiti and he started talking to us. We didn’t understand much of what he said, so we had to procure a Welsh to English interpreter, named Rhys. It turns out he was speaking English, but just had a ridiculous accent, but Rhys was kind enough to interpret anyway.”

“He said that the graffiti and flags had been put up by some Turks and Germans who had rolled into town, blasting American rap music and talking loudly about dialectics. Well we all know who that is. That’s you lot,” said Pierre, pointing an accusing and frankly awful-smelling finger at our correspondent as he finished his tale of woe.

“Yeah, so we did it. We made up a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist group in Wales for a laugh,” responded our correspondent. “But so what? Dych chi ddim yn angen grŵp Maoaidd Cymreig. Oedd maoaeth go iawn ynoch ar hyd!”

Plaid Cymru Kî ne?


BANGOR, WÊLZ – Îro em di cîhaneke pir xeternak de dijîn. Dema dewleta faşîst a Tirk êrîş dike li ser gelê Kurd û li ser îradeya siyasî ya hemû hêzên pêşverû yên Anatoliya û Mezopotamyayê, gelên Birîtaniya jî tê dikoşin li hemberî hêzên faşîst ên David Cameron, serokwezîrê Birîtaniyayê ku birazek niya.

Ji ber ku piştgirî bi Îrlendiyan re îşê Filistîniyan e, divê Worker’s Spatula piştgirî navbera gelên Kurd û Wêlzî bilind bike.

A rastî, ji aliyê Wêlzî piştgiriya bi gelê Kurd re normal bû. Hevalên me yên Kurd in ku hê nizanin Wêlzî kî ne. Di Wêlzê de gelek Qomunîst hene, bi taybetî ji Partiya Qomunîst a Birîtaniyayê, CPB. CPB mîna TKEP/L ye, lê selehên wan tune. Di rojnameya CPBê, “Morning Star” (bi Kurdî “Ferec”*), gelek meqaleyên li ser mezinahiya têkoşîna PYD li hemberî çeteyên DEÎŞ hatine nivîsîn.

Li gundên Wêlzî, komeke Maoîst a pir piçûk heye, bi navê Yr Aflonddwch Mawr. Bi Wêlzî wateya vî navî heye, lê em nizanin çi ye, çimkî me nikaribû Ferhengeke Kurdî-Wêlzî bibînin. Bi kurtî û Kurmancî, Yr Aflonddwch Mawr ji Îbrahîm Kaypakkaya hez dikin, loma ew jî ji bo gelê Kurd baş in.

Îsal li hilbijartinên Birîtanî, li gorî hilbijartinên paşerojê, bêhtir Wêlziyan Plaid Cymru hilbijart. Ev girîng e, çimkî Plaid Cymru PKK ya Wêlziyan e, û em hêvîdar in ku li pêşerojê Wêlz ji Birîtaniyayê derkeve. Dema kantonên Wêlzê hatine avakirin, hereketa Kurdî dikare selehan ji wan bikirin ji bo têkoşîna li hemberî dewletên kedxwar.

Karker û gelên bindest ên cîhanê, hevgirin!

*Navê rojnameya “Morning Star” ji bo koma metal a Kurdî bi heman navî hat hilbijartin, û rojnamevanên “Morning Star”, heman wekî rojnamevanên Worker’s Spatula, her guhdariya muzîka Ferec’ê dikin.