Family Living in Fantasy World Visits Nonexistent Country

choppinheads

MONTRÉAL – Sources across Canadia remain divided as to whether it is more embarrassing for humanity that we are still pretending the Royal Family are anything but another unit of irrectifiable reactionary big bourgeois who must be liquidated, or that anyone would travel any significant distance to visit this pseudo-country.

“As an Atheist, I find everyone’s belief in God a little puzzling,” local Canadian republican Eric Ray told our source in Montréal, “but I do want to remind people that the Anglican god is still held to have some special interest in their being the nominal heads of various states chosen seemingly at random from across the globe.”

“I know,” responded our correspondent. “Everyone knows Allah’s only interested in Hizbullah’s victory over the enemies of the people and the ice-axeing of all Trotskyists.”

Other sources, however, found the continued implication of Canadia’s importance more frustrating, with Parti Québécois spokesman Jean Purelaine stating: “We mostly hate the royal family because they remind us we are still in Canada. Abolish Canada and we won’t have to worry about them, or anything else the English have ever created, because we’ll be free to trade directly with the United St… oh that’s right.”

“It’s true that Canada shouldn’t even exist,” responded [REDACTED], a spokesperson for the RCP-PCR. “But Québec shouldn’t exist either, and in fact Québec’s existence is equally frustrating to Canada’s existence, objectively speaking.

“However we will grant that unlike Québec, Canada is a lightning rod for irrelevant bullshit like the British monarchy, and their stupid pissing contest with the Yanks over who makes better sitcoms, or whatever it is the English talk about.”

UPDATE: Since this article was published, all correspondents and editors involved were forced to give their self-criticism for implicitly accepting that Canada does in fact exist in the first place.

US Liberals Prepared to Uproot Whole Lives in Response to Possible Trump Victory

OCanada

PORTLAND, OREGON – Informal polls carried out by Worker’s Spatula correspondents in various cities on the West Coast of the United States reveal that the overwhelming majority of petty bourgeois US liberals, too busy to engage in concrete practice aimed at the rectification of the many injustices which perturb them, are prepared to uproot their entire lives and relocate across the border to Canada.

“When the whole Black Lives Matter thing got going, like, I wanted to do something, but I was really busy. I mean, I’ve got so much else going on.” 27-year-old Justin Cazden informed us, though he did not elaborate on what else he had “going on”. “Now I wish I had, because Trump’s going to be president, and racism will be legal again, and I guess I’ll just have to move to Canada, where racism doesn’t exist.”

33-year-old Peter Miller, who has threatened to relocate to Canada in the event of a Republican victory every US presidential election since 2000, but who has never threatened to abandon the Democratic Party, agreed: “It’s really scary to think that Trump might actually become president. I mean, not really scary for me because I’m in the tech industry and I’ll land on my feet in Canada, and I won’t really suffer if I stay here. But it’s scary for the people who already have it hard under Obama. Who I voted for, by the way. Tell the other Black people I voted for Obama, I want them to know I’m not racist.”

Private school-educated Karen Goldman, who was part of the “Tibetan Freedom Club” at university, and then was politically dormant until recently, claims Trump’s nomination would be “the last straw” for her: “Recently I shared some things about the public schools in Detroit on Facebook, but I think it might be too late. I think we’ve done all we can here, and it’s time for enlightened progressives to move up to Canada, where people will understand us.”

The Canadian Maoist group RCP-PCR responded positively to the idea that West Coast liberals would be relocating north of the border. Their Vancouver representative agreed to speak with our correspondent: “We’re pretty confident in our strength in Québec, and we’re starting to spread to Ontario, but we’ve got next to nothing here in British Columbia. If the Yanks are so disaffected by bourgeois politics that they’re ready to become refugees, I’m sure we can forge some of them into militants for our coming people’s war.”

“People’s war!” he concluded.

News in Brief: September 21st 2015

communistparty

BERLIN – Die Linke has released a press statement explaining their longstanding support for the German bourgeoisie as an internationalist tactical line. “As Lenin teaches us, there are inter-imperialist contradictions, and we’re trying to maintain the strength of the German bourgeoisie as a bulwark against the UK, the US, Russia, etc., giving our comrades around the world more imperialist powers between which to navigate.” CPUSA is expected to release a comparable statement in the coming days.

LOS ANGELES – At a “Red Guards” meeting of the Maoist NCP-LC earlier this week, a member is reported to have said that Cambodian leader Pol Pot was “probably the best Maoist who ever lived,” resulting in his being taken out back and thoroughly beaten. This follows news of an inter-NCP-LC beating in the Bronx where a new comrade reportedly defended Ho Chi Minh over Mao Zedong. No word from NCP-LC as yet on whether or not a defence of Lin Biao is beating-worthy, but analysts advise against it, on the grounds that “that’s the LLCO’s guy.”

OTTAWA – The NDP announced their “critical support” for all leftist organisations in Canada offering the NDP critical support. Analysts almost universally agreed that the RCP-PCR, CPC-PCC, and CPC(ML) had made a huge mistake by not backing the NDP the way that the Canadian IST affiliate International Socialists did, as the latter will surely now be able to build a worker’s state out of Canada and “the Stalinists” will be left far behind.

PARIS – In a heated confrontation at a demonstration yesterday, members of the PCOF nearly came to blows with members of the sole ICU organisation Lutte Ouvrière after the latter refused to apologise to the Hoxhaite party for Trotsky’s betrayal of Stalin. The PCOF has stated that it “firmly believes all the bad blood can be put behind us if only the Trotskyites would confess to and apologise for their crimes.”

LONDON – David Cameron fucked a pig, apparently.