MONTRÉAL – Sources across Canadia remain divided as to whether it is more embarrassing for humanity that we are still pretending the Royal Family are anything but another unit of irrectifiable reactionary big bourgeois who must be liquidated, or that anyone would travel any significant distance to visit this pseudo-country.
“As an Atheist, I find everyone’s belief in God a little puzzling,” local Canadian republican Eric Ray told our source in Montréal, “but I do want to remind people that the Anglican god is still held to have some special interest in their being the nominal heads of various states chosen seemingly at random from across the globe.”
“I know,” responded our correspondent. “Everyone knows Allah’s only interested in Hizbullah’s victory over the enemies of the people and the ice-axeing of all Trotskyists.”
Other sources, however, found the continued implication of Canadia’s importance more frustrating, with Parti Québécois spokesman Jean Purelaine stating: “We mostly hate the royal family because they remind us we are still in Canada. Abolish Canada and we won’t have to worry about them, or anything else the English have ever created, because we’ll be free to trade directly with the United St… oh that’s right.”
“It’s true that Canada shouldn’t even exist,” responded [REDACTED], a spokesperson for the RCP-PCR. “But Québec shouldn’t exist either, and in fact Québec’s existence is equally frustrating to Canada’s existence, objectively speaking.
“However we will grant that unlike Québec, Canada is a lightning rod for irrelevant bullshit like the British monarchy, and their stupid pissing contest with the Yanks over who makes better sitcoms, or whatever it is the English talk about.”
UPDATE: Since this article was published, all correspondents and editors involved were forced to give their self-criticism for implicitly accepting that Canada does in fact exist in the first place.