#SaveEBDSA: Jeremy Gong Wants You to Rot in Prison

Not For Circulation – Do Not Share*

GongCopLover

On behalf of the Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers:

While covertly many members of the East Bay DSA who support our rightful campaign for Hasan and the Working-Class Unity and Power slate have been contacting us through various channels to encourage us to continue speaking truth to the dictatorial power that is Jeremy Gong, they have also emphasised their real fear. We have had more than one comrade say they are fearful about following our proposal to bring a spatula to the convention in defiance, lest Jeremy Gong call the bourgeois police into the convention and have them locked up on trumped up terror charges.

While this reassures us that if the result of the upcoming April 29th Steering Committee election at the East Bay DSA Convention is not a sound defeat for the forces of reaction manifested in the Bread and Roses clique headed by the scoundrel and revisionist Jeremy Gong, the only reason was that the vote was rigged by these true enemies of the people, it does lead us to delving deeper into the question of Jeremy Gong and the Bread and Roses slate’s relationship to the police.

It is one thing for Jeremy Gong and his cronies to claim that they don’t support the DSA’s “national”** line against police abolition (in defiance of the actual majority will of the DSA local itself) on the flimsy pretext of how “Black people” want more police in their communities (whatever that means, Gongites never enter into a serious discussion about the actual social nature of the bourgeois state). But is this the limit of Jeremy Gong’s defence of the police? Far from it. Jeremy Gong not only does not want to abolish the police, he and his gaggle of Kautskyite wreckers and liars want to strengthen the police specifically so that they might be used to arbitrarily harass the poor and hound socialists! Let’s turn to the evidence:

Members of the LC have used their organizational positions and social capital to dismiss the hard work of rank-and-file EBDSA members engaged in the brake light program. This has included public derision on social media, the denial of access to official East Bay DSA communications, and exclusion of any mention of the brake light program in the local newsletter.

We have made a lot of the brakelight scandal, but perhaps we need to make clear to those, like Jeremy Gong, who have always had a cordial relationship with the bourgeois cops exactly why this initiative was so important. In addition to being a valuable educational moment for new socialists into how socialist politics need not merely be a recreation of bourgeois politics with a picture of Marx in the background, but could be a politics based on real social dynamics in which elections were only an occasional part, it also was a concrete step that could be taken to lessen police harassment barring their actual abolition and other such reforms under capitalist society.

Have you ever been pulled over for a brakelight, Jeremy Gong? Have you ever been afraid that, once pulled over, because of the colour of your skin or your gender presentation you would be subjected to an arbitrary search, or violence of some kind? Have you ever considered how many people experience such moments of fear, or are indeed in some sense violated or attacked by the bourgeois cops given the opportunity presented by such minor infractions, which their poverty prevents them from avoiding? Do you ever think about all the young Black men who have been searched for drugs just because they were Black, and then busted, or saddled with some bullshit charge like obstructing “justice”, while all of your white friends from Berkeley have been puffing away, practically in public, for years?

Of course you think about these things, because you frequently take your friends in the Oakland Police Department up on offers of ride-alongs, where you delight in them pulling over Black, queer, and other oppressed youth, the fear in whose eyes fills you with incomprehensible joy, you monster.

But it is not just that Jeremy Gong wants to stop us from stemming the tide of arbitrary police harassment, arrest, and violence through little legal direct actions such as the brakelight initiative. It is not even that he wants to play cop and prevent an open discussion of such matters in his favourite “democratic” “big tent” so that his unpopular views from above can dominate the popular front which is forming from the heroic masses who are trying to save the East Bay DSA from these crypto-fascist neo-Menshevik wreckers:

Even though the brake light program is extremely popular, it was unnecessarily difficult to bring the project to a vote. Brake light organizers were forced to gather 90 signatures to put the brake light project on an agenda. Given sparse general meetings, and a complete lack of access to official membership contact lists, collecting signatures was and remains needlessly laborious³. When the program was finally brought before membership at a general meeting⁴, it soundly passed. LC members were among the few people who spoke against the program.

No, Jeremy Gong wants every socialist reading this who falls afoul of his beloved bourgeois state apparatus to rot in fucking prison while Nazis walk free.

Please turn to Section 2. Arrests in Berkeley during Anti-Fascist Protests:

In August 2017, in the midst of recurring white supremacist rallies, the Mayor of Berkeley moved to appease moderate liberals and classified masks as “banned weapons.” During a demonstration against one of these rallies, four EBDSA comrades were arrested under this ordinance.

Here is the clearest expression of what ultra-left spectre Jeremy Gong was conjuring when he disingenuously posed his authoritarian cabal as the alternative to both “the useless compromise politics of the liberal center” (meaning anything to Jeremy Gong’s right, which is very little indeed), and “the dead-end wheel-spinning of the activist left”. Jeremy Gong doesn’t want the East Bay DSA to counter the claims on the rest of the US left that the DSA is aloof to real struggle, that it is not on the front lines with the most advanced section of the masses confronting fascism in the streets. In short, Jeremy Gong believes that the problem with the rest of the US left is that they are too much like the anarchists.

But Jeremy Gong is Jeremy wrong. The problem with the US left is not that they are too much like the anarchists. The problem with the US left is they are too much like Jeremy fucking Gong. Self-anointed messiahs of a particular fantasy version of socialism totally detached from real world politics (which does not stop and start at the borders prescribed by the bourgeois state apparatus and its functionaries, you Kautskyite scoundrel). Commandist little kings and queens (but let’s face it, usually kings) of their shitty pseudo-Marxist kingdoms, reading neither Hegel nor Lenin but Jacobin and the LA Times alone, and giving their “analysis” in vulgar reaction to these idealist tomes and only engaging in a material relationship with the masses on the basis of recruitment and patronisingly talking down to the poor and oppressed, the supposed subjects of socialist revolution (as if Jeremy Gong would ever utter “the r-word” in such a sentence). He is like Bob Avakian, but instead of meeting with guerrillas from Nepal and winning you over with his connections to the Black Panthers and thinking the masses are stupid because they don’t just MAKE A REVOLUTION ALREADY, he meets with other Jacobin-reading reformists who think the masses are stupid because they don’t just VOTE FOR US ALREADY.

You make us sick, Jeremy Gong. You make everyone sick. All of your friends are viewed as nothing but self-important little social democratic Brezhnevs limiting the sovereignty of anyone you deem insufficiently “serious” and “respectable”.

“Calm down, Worker’s Spatula!” we hear our well-intentioned friends pleading. “Obviously everyone dislikes Jeremy Gong, but you don’t have to destroy him like this! We may need him for future solidarity! Socialists have to stick together!”

Surely in the abstract you are right, hypothetical moderately-critical East Bay DSA comrade. In the abstract. But concretely, what solidarity can we expect from “comrades” like these:

One DSA comrade was even charged with a felony. An East Bay member requested that this comrade’s court date be shared through EBDSA official communication channels, such as email, in order to amass critical court support. No such call was issued; no official arrangements were made to organize support for these jailed comrades.⁶

Actions taken by the San Francisco DSA (SFDSA) stand in stark contrast. SFDSA used their channels of communication to coordinate jail support and raise bail money. SFDSA made dozens of phone calls, organized legal support and tracked arrested comrades as they were moved through the criminal justice system. They waited outside the jail with food and transport ready until the early hours of the morning, when our EBDSA comrades were finally released. SFDSA made sure all 12 arrested protesters had a ride home, DSA members and non-members alike.

Specifics of the arrests aside, we are again confronted with numerous questions about the chapter’s priorities. Why is it that East Bay DSA comrades were made to rely on a neighboring chapter, which has fewer members, to organize a response to politically motivated arrests? How can our chapter maintain a position against police repression without practicing a basic and straightforward function such as court support? Is this example a problem of the will, a problem of structure, or both?

Oh no, dear readers. We can tell you exactly what the problem is. The problem is that not only does Jeremy Gong not want you to get out of jail, or for your arrest or trial or doxxing to be protested (although he’ll scream to the high heavens about a “climate of hostile surveillance” when he’s “doxxed” because he sends out his files that he later decides are embarrassing), but we would not be in the least surprised if Jeremy Gong was on the phone with the Berkeley Police Department shortly after the arrest, giving them information and assuring them that such “anarchist scum” would not be allowed to decide the future of the East Bay DSA, loyal servant of the Democratic Party and capital.

They should’ve stuck to “pursuing ordinary political goals” instead of taking on the ridiculously far-left goal of… let’s just check the notes here… ah yes, protesting Nazis.

“Demonstrations”, of course were one of the things Jeremy Gong listed as representing the sort of “mass action” reflecting the “style of politics” he so “enthusiastically affirms” in the Bread and Roses slate analysis document. But what are we to demonstrate against if not Nazis? The masses eagerly await marching orders on who they are allowed to protest from the one true interpreter of “mass action” and “highly visible and massively popular independent socialist activity”, Jeremy Gong.

As for us, our message is clear: Fuck cops. Fuck Nazis. Fuck Jeremy Gong.

–Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers (MORE COMMUNICATIONS TO FOLLOW)

Image credit: @WhatBigTeeth, note that we are not critical of the cishet man-dominant implications of this meme in this context as we are under most circumstances, as it perfectly captures Jeremy Gong and cop-lovers everywhere.

*Credit for this joke certainly belongs to @NireBryce, who will presumably be livetweeting the convention. If they do not, or if there is some interruption, you all know who is to blame: Jeremy Gong.

**See the footnote in our previous piece.

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#SaveEBDSA: On Leadership and the Masses, or: Fuck Jeremy Gong pt. II

jergong

On behalf of the Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers:

As everyone knows, Jeremy Gong wrote a shitty excuse piece for Medium about trading his soul to the Devil at the crossroads in exchange for being anointed Messiah of the Mass Socialist Movement to Come™. It was garbage and should be thrown out, but we cannot avoid responding to it before the election on April 29th, when, God willing, Jeremy Gong and his Bread and Roses clique will be cast out from the East Bay DSA Steering Committee by the revolutionary masses as Satan was cast “as a profane thing from the mountain of God” by God Almighty [Ezekiel 28:16], amen.

Damn thee, Satan! We rebuke thee and all of thy works! Thou art naught but the Antichrist, a liar, profaner of the DSA! May a healing fire sweep through the DSA and free us from thee and all of thy wicked followers, amen!

Amen!

Without further ado, behold how Jeremy Gong deceives the people:

On the one hand are those of us who are tired of both the useless compromise politics of the liberal center and the dead-end wheel-spinning of the activist left.

Here Jeremy Gong positions himself and his gaggle of shits as the only meaningful alternative both to self-congratulatory politics which do not connect to practical results for the masses, and the “compromise” politics which actually likewise produces no practical results for the masses. They are part of the totality of idealist “left” opposition to bourgeois politics in the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa, eschewing material progress either by selling it out in exchange for bright lights or by disengaging from it in favour of feeling like a hip part of an elite club.

How are the Bread and Roses slate different from this? Well, in the first instance, because they do share some proposals for meaningful progress, namely, the Medicare For All campaign which is the fig leaf for their treachery.

Gong is particularly fond of routinely connecting this and his own personage to Bernie Sanders, who himself is known for being the target of near endless criticisms from the revolutionary left. But there are serious differences between Sanders and Gong, particularly with regard to claims to being “democratic” and “socialist”. Sanders stands for a shift to the left of the Democratic Party. Whatever our readers feel about this particular project, this means he is for more “socialism” in this party, which itself represents more “democratic” accountability to the Democratic Party’s base, who, since 2008, increasingly openly detest Wall Street rule.

By contrast, Gong stands for a shift back to the right of the DSA, for less “socialism”, as it were. From putting the brake on the brakelights campaign, to standing against the righteous reformist demand for police abolition popular in the local and endorsed at the “national”* level (very “democratic”!), Jeremy Gong and his frankly unpleasant friends stand for “one step forward” (in the form of the Medicare For All campaign) in order to legitimise as many steps back as possible.

And for all Gong’s attempts to link himself to Sanders’s “mass” “democratic” approach to “socialism”, how democratically minded is he? For all of our criticisms of Sanders, he is occasionally receptive to criticism, and will backpedal, with or without self-criticism. Charged with being soft on Israel, he refused to meet with AIPAC. Charged with not knowing how to engage with Black Lives Matter and Afro-Americans more broadly, he used the slogan “Black Lives Matter” during the debates with Clinton and travelled to Jackson, Mississippi, where Cooperation Jackson and the masses continue their ongoing struggles, and where he was well-received by the masses.

Jeremy Gong stands aloof from the masses and responds to criticism with defensive posturing about how he already represents the masses (because he says so!), instead of apologising to those he insults, he admits he has been offensive, before changing the subject as quickly as possible, and instead of acknowledging his complicity in racism and indeed reifying patronising views of the oppressed within an organisation opposed in word to oppression, he evades the point entirely and attempts to curry sympathy with reference to his disability.

All of this is to say: while Jeremy Gong is doing all this, he wants you to know that the “other” path must be the “middle path” between open opportunism (when Gong’s open opportunism and careerism are well-known) and sectarian “activism”. Given his assessment in the rest of the piece, it is already known that he ascribes to all of those who disagree with him identity with the latter trend. Not only on behalf of Spatula correspondents working within the DSA, but on behalf of the entire left wing of the DSA, we reject this in the strongest terms: our extreme willingness to compromise in order to achieve real results has been demonstrated again and again, and it is the Gongite clique’s unwillingness to allow for a democratic discussion within the East Bay DSA which prevents the many principled “left” elements of the East Bay DSA from demonstrating the falsehood of the blanket claims Jeremy Gong makes against his opponents in this slanderous hit piece, this FAKE NEWS.

Let’s read on:

these workers are part of a nascent working-class movement is making history across impoverished, austerity-wracked “red” states.

Literally nobody is opposed to these strikes and Jeremy Gong must know it, and he must likewise know that he and his hand-wringing crypto-liberal pseudo-socialist cronies cannot claim these strikes as their sole property, or as only possible through a DSA under their control. What we defend is not selling out all other struggles in the service of tailing the worst caricature of “red” state white workers. What we defend is raising high the banner of all poor and oppressed, not only those who are already in a relatively strong position with regard to established legal politics. The only principled stance is to try to unite such workers with all other poor and oppressed on the basis of their unity and not on the basis of chauvinistic dismissal! However difficult Jeremy Gong imagines this goal to be is irrelevant: history has shown how quickly such “socialists” are co-opted by the fascist movement.

Quite apart from this general picture, Jeremy Gong does not live in or organise in such an “austerity-wracked ‘red’ state”. He lives in the East Bay, where, as we all know, one is able to articulate ideas FAR to the left of the US average and still be taken seriously. What’s more, he lives in Oakland, a city where it is nakedly obvious to any but the most oblivious or right-wing resident that the evils of capitalism are to be seen particularly in the victims of gentrification and police violence, whom Jeremy Gong seems only willing to stand up for on the terms of total congruence with the needs of the relatively privileged sectors of Oakland society. He is like the “cool” “local” roommate the tech bros keep around, almost as a pet, at reduced rent. Where is the platform of socialists that speaks uncomfortable truths to that Oakland? Nowhere near the clean lips of Jeremy Gong!

Why should a “leader” in the most mainstream socialist organisation in the US demand that this organisation in this social context move to the right of the US average for this same organisation? Because he is a shameful wrecker bent on holding back the righteous anger of the youth, of the poor, of the oppressed, returning them to subservience to their Wall Street masters, no matter his words to the contrary! He can trot out Frances Reade’s “disillusionment” with the Democratic Party, but Frances Reade and Jeremy Gong owe the downtrodden masses of Oakland a reason to not be “disillusioned” with empty white saviourism, which they seem to think is only possible by not helping fix brakelights or otherwise organically connecting to the needs and struggles of the actual toiling classes!

Jeremy Gong then inspires us with a quote from his insipid faction’s tepid analysis document:

To build the power of the working class today, East Bay DSA should pursue mass action as our strategic orientation. This means gearing our activities toward the diverse working-class majority not yet in DSA — through canvassing, demonstrations, town halls, rank-and-file unionism, independent media, and more — and bringing them into open conflict with landlords, bosses, and their political functionaries.

Notice that this liar and deceiver’s idea of “mass action” only works when he controls the action of the mass. He can say:

We are a “big tent” organization and a democracy, meaning there is no party line we must adhere to, no cabal of leaders deciding our direction.

But the moment something slips even slightly out of his comfort zone, something runs contrary to the decided “direction” of the “party line” of his little “cabal of leaders”, like the completely legal brakelights campaign, or the popular police abolition platform, he patronisingly speaks for communities with which he has no contact, he shuts down all debate within the branch (so much for “independent media” if it’s independent of Jeremy Gong!), and ensures that no one can question the Gospel of Gong. He behaves, despite all pretense, like the Democratic National Convention, or Bob Avakian! Democratic in word, dictatorial in deed! Democratic in form, the form of the election which the Democratic Party already practises, dictatorial in essence!

But there’s one thing that the villain Jeremy Gong did not count on: Worker’s Spatula, the official press organ of the revolution, who have been gathering our forces in the East Bay for over a year and will now fight tooth and nail to expose this wrecker activity and liberate the East Bay DSA for the good of the progress of the revolution of all the poor and oppressed!

We will stand together with whatever forces are building such a real movement among the revolutionary masses, organising everyday life in all spheres on the terms of the needs of the people, led by them and leading them, not patronisingly passing down bureaucratic dictats to the people on what is and what is not democratic and what is and what is not socialism in the eyes of their natural-born saviour!

What does Jeremy Gong have to say about such a line, that he calls “The Inward DSA” (when it is his “outward” clique who will not face outward to the masses, and who turn inward to their inner circle at the slightest conflict)? Let us turn back to the document signed in his name, which was doubtless written by someone at Jacobin or some other Kautskyite, as evidenced by his complete lack of ability to respond to Worker’s Spatula’s rightful public critiques of his reactionary line. First Jeremy Gong points a finger of blame unrelated to the actual political line at the Boston DSA:

Friday afternoon, a Boston DSAer’s Twitter account published links and a series of screenshots showing private documents for the Bread & Roses slate written by me and some other East Bay DSA comrades marked in bold, Not for circulation — do not share. Because we are organizers, we had a Google Drive full of organizing documents, tools, and spreadsheets.

The Boston DSA are known to be mostly controlled by US ICOR affiliate ROL at this point. Those of us who have met Ray know that he would never let such unscrupulous and undisciplined behaviour go uncriticised, and the lack of any public self-criticism by the Boston DSA therefore stands more or less as proof of the falsehood of these claims. But nonetheless, let’s hear more of Gong’s sob story:

How these documents were accessed by strangers isn’t totally clear, but the intention of the people who did it is: they seek to intimidate members of DSA from engaging in the most basic democratic organizing within our organization and to give us all the sense that even in pursuing ordinary political goals in a political organization, we are subject to a climate of hostile surveillance and attacks

Oh, saints preserve us! You would think that Jeremy Gong was not himself intimidating, harassing, and silencing all of his critics on any subject up to this point. The way he sanctimoniously condemns this leak as contrary to “the most basic democratic organizing” and “a climate of hostile surveillance and attacks”, you would think he was living under the equivalent of the fascist rule of the Turkish AKP (whose rhetoric is indistinguishable from Jeremy Gong’s in any way, particularly due to their shared hatred of the Kurdish liberation movement). But to give Gong his due, such a theft of documents would be very difficult to justify and defend. If it had happened.

If Jeremy Gong, dictator of the East Bay DSA, were not controlling his local with the iron fist of Erdoğan himself, everyone would have already read the real story behind this “theft”. For those curious, it can be read here, but the short version is that the documents were publicly accessible when they were sent out together with the claim that the DSA stands only for Jeremy Gong’s re-election. There was no hacking, there was no theft, Jeremy Gong simply sends out mass e-mails with his horrific politics in them, and when he includes more than he likes and discovers he’s not as popular as he imagines, he cries foul for public criticisms.

We could go on, but we have other things to do on a Tuesday night. We repeat again our support for the Working-Class Unity and Power slate in the upcoming April 29th elections, to which we hope all of you bring a spatula, and our hope that Hasan will be elected and Jeremy Gong will not, and further pray to Jesus, who is the Christ, that the entire Bread and Roses slate will not only go unelected, but will be made to answer for their crimes against the DSA, the poor, the oppressed, the youth, humanity, and God.

If this does not happen, it’s patently obvious why. As the Spatula has now intervened to expose Jeremy Gong as the servant of darkness which he is to the entire East Bay DSA, any real democratic process would quickly right the wrong of the Bread and Roses clique’s undemocratic dominance of the East Bay DSA, and subsequently all internal East Bay DSA channels would be democratised. If this does not happen, it can only be because the April 29th election was rigged, or Jeremy Gong uses his known connections to the Oakland Police Department to silence his critics within the Spatula and the East Bay DSA. We cannot allow this to happen. Jeremy Gong must be stopped by any means necessary.

Fuck Jeremy Gong.

–Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers (MORE COMMUNICATIONS TO FOLLOW)

*Here we must, as always, register our displeasure with reference to pan-US activities being referred to as “national”. The United States of AmeriKKKa is a multinational imperialist state, composed not only of the formally legally recognised indigenous nations and nationalities still yearning for freedom and decolonisation, but also an oppressed Afro-American nation separate from the oppressor Yankee nation who are all Jeremy Gong and his racist cohorts can see. This point is pertinent to be raised even among our fellow travellers in the Working-Class Unity and Power slate, who have not yet accepted the importance of explicit and open support for national liberation for the Afro-American nation including land and popular political power in the Black Belt South, although the “national” DSA Twitter account referred to support for “the right to self determination like MXGM’s Jackson Plan”, so we are hopeful for such developments in the future.

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#SaveEBDSA

OccupyOakland

On behalf of the Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers:

We must begin by responding to the lies and the slander: Firstly, Hasan is not a member of Worker’s Spatula at any level, and is not responsible for anything that we write. Our only connection is an ongoing correspondence between some of our more open affiliates and Hasan which has resulted in our support for Hasan’s righteous campaign for East Bay DSA Steering Committee. We believe in Hasan’s sincerity (perhaps more than Hasan does!) in the struggle against the reformists and scoundrels who currently control the Steering Committee of the East Bay DSA, and we hope that Hasan likewise recognises our comradely intentions.

Likewise and secondly, Worker’s Spatula is not a part of or in any way organically connected to the DSA Communist Caucus, nor is the latter a project of Worker’s Spatula. While we have no problem continuing to engage with the DSA Communist Caucus on the basis of comradely criticism with our shared goal of rebuilding the communist movement in the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa, Worker’s Spatula has never had and will never, barring massive changes to Worker’s Spatula’s concrete position in the world, have organic connections to any particular DSA caucus.

The closest to organic connections to any political organisation as such Worker’s Spatula has ever had is that the entire central committee consists of individuals who are subservient to anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist organisations.

We continue to appeal to all comrades around the world who, upon familiarising themselves with the Spatular line, feel close to us, to be in touch about real-world political campaigns, but this will not be a relationship in which either side is subservient to the other, and therefore will be one that can end at any time that serious disagreements emerge between the various camps.

ThizzInPeace

The ad hoc committee which has formed to write the draft of this letter which is to be edited by and published through the usual editorial channels are ALL from the San Francisco Bay Area. We shed tears when Mac Dre was shot. We have loitered at Revolution Books in Berkeley. We have blocked traffic in the middle of the intersection, trying to start up a sideshow.

Hyphy.

We are the workers at the Nation’s, the In-N-Out, and the Jack in the Box. We remember Wet Pets San Pablo, and we know a LOT of anarchists. We went to community college and not some UC bullshit. We say “hella” hella much.

Yee.

DSA Bread and Roses is none of these things. Jeremy Gong and Luke Thibault are none of these things. They do not speak for you, and they certainly do not speak for the invisible army of the poor and oppressed that is Worker’s Spatula. They have probably never even sucked a single dude’s dick to an E-40 song. They certainly don’t read ICOR press releases. In short, they can’t relate to you like we can.

There is less than one week until the April 29th DSA East Bay Convention at which the new Steering Committee will be elected. We must offer our self-criticism for the lateness of this statement, as all eyes are truly on us at this historic moment. Because we have the forces to intervene in this particular instance, we are particularly compelled to fulfill this duty, as the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard, and we fear that we may have done so all too late.

Nonetheless: we are rising to the occasion now, and no matter what happens with this election, our people hidden in the East Bay DSA and across the East Bay will not abandon our duty to organise and intervene in the Bay Area. We will continue to bring that pure uncut Colombian dialectical materialism to the table, and we will do whatever we can to use this lofty theoretical understanding to defend the practical needs of the poor and oppressed, for their common liberation, which is coming fucking soon, we hope.

For the next few days, however, our objective is clear: to rally all sympathetic forces within the East Bay DSA to take down the Bread and Roses clique whose dictatorial control of the East Bay DSA is now well known, whose wrecker intentions and base sectarianism have been exposed to so many in the DSA, and who are, all things considered, hecka bootsy.

SpatulaCity

All East Bay DSA members who are with us in this correct path forward are encouraged to bring a spatula to the convention as a symbol of the unity in struggle of all toiling fast food workers and all of those fighting against all forms of oppression from Istanbul to El Cerrito.

If you are a revolutionary in the East Bay and reading this and are not a member of the East Bay DSA, now is the time to join. Absolute reformist scum like Frances Reade have been allowed to seize control of this branch which could easily be the means by which revolutionaries could coordinate legal work in one of the more left-leaning parts of the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa. It is due to our collective failure that we have reached this “crossroads” where one of the paths is the path of Democratic Party apparatchiks can sheepdog young people full of hope in an area ripe for change right back into the same hackneyed pseudo-leftism which has characterised white Bay Area culture for decades.

At a time when the principled reformist demand for abolition of the police is being raised, this crypto-fascist neo-Menshevik wrecker clique, led by the cop-lover Jeremy Gong who has been harassing our correspondents in the area through his friends in the Oakland Police Department, are attempting to stand in the way of the heroic Working-Class Unity and Power slate, who, whatever their shortcomings, represent the most advanced mass development of true proletarian consciousness in the Bay Area at present.

We encourage all comrades to read the Priorities Resolution for this slate and compare its concrete grasp of the dialectical relationship between revolutionary and reformist politics to the opportunist phrasemongering espoused by the crypto-Clintonite trash and probable FBI agents in the Bread and Roses slate.

Now, it is possible that some people are reading this and thinking:

Yes, I am a revolutionary in the Bay Area, and yes, I fucking hate Jeremy Gong and all of his Bread and Roses friends who clearly don’t care about justice for Oscar Grant and who, if they even go to mosque regularly, probably go to some bullshit mosque funded by some reactionary CIA-backed regime instead of Masjidul Waritheen, like I do. But isn’t the entire DSA full of awful people like Zach McDonald? Is it even worth joining and intervening? Shouldn’t we just let them have control of the DSA?

Our dear, dear, dear misguided comrades. You are so fucking wrong and so goddamn stupid. Give your self-criticism at once. Allow us to quote Lenin speaking on “reactionary trade unions”, where you will clearly see your error and fall to your knees, tears in your eyes, begging for forgiveness from the Spatula:

We consider that contacts with the “masses” through the trade unions are not enough. In the course of our revolution, practical activities have given rise to such institutions as nonParty workers’ and peasants’ conferences, and we strive by every means to support, develop and extend this institution in order to be able to observe the temper of the masses, come closer to them, meet their requirements, promote the best among them to state posts, etc.

[…]

We cannot but regard as equally ridiculous and childish nonsense the pompous, very learned, and frightfully revolutionary disquisitions of the German Lefts to the effect that Communists cannot and should not work in reactionary trade unions, that it is permissible to turn down such work, that it is necessary to withdraw from the trade unions and create a brand-new and immaculate “Workers’ Union” invented by very pleasant (and, probably, for the most part very youthful) Communists, etc., etc.

[…]

We can (and must) begin to build socialism, not with abstract human material, or with human material specially prepared by us, but with the human material bequeathed to us by capitalism. True, that is no easy matter, but no other approach to this task is serious enough to warrant discussion.

Lenin is watching you from heaven! He wants you to do the right thing! ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING.

Fuck Jeremy Gong.

–Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers (MORE COMMUNICATIONS TO FOLLOW)

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Worker’s Spatula Central Committee on Trump Inauguration

fuckyourflag

KO SAMUI, THAILAND – The Worker’s Spatula (WS) Central Committee made a rare public appearance today in a luxury resort on the beautiful island of Ko Samui on the occasion of the inauguration of Donald Trump as a President of the United States of Freedom But Not Necessity.

A brief statement was read by a US comrade, wearing – like all the other Central Committee members – an Islamic bathing suit, sunglasses and a keffiyeh wrapped round his face to hide his identity:

As is well known, Worker’s Spatula was the single most powerful force behind Donald Trump’s victory over not only the RCPUSA-backed Ted Cruz, but the Trotskyite Hillary Clinton. We relentlessly supported him at a time when all the typical left-liberal comedians were still laughing at him.

WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS? THE SPATULA!

This comedy, however, was just a red herring. Did anyone see that movie? No?

So, we would like to announce, as you have all doubtless figured out by now, that the US presidential election was a charade. Donald Trump is in fact an impostor pretending to be president. The real president, as everyone predicted all along, will be labour aristocracy-coddler and soup addict Bernie Sanders.

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders on your well-deserved win! You did it, buddy!

Victory to the masses rising up against the farcical and clearly satirical “presidency” of Donald Trump, focal point of the ever-accelerating dialectic!

LAND AND FREEDOM TO ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLES IN THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

DEATH TO HILLARY CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA!

WORKER’S SPATULA: WE OUT!

Fireworks lit up the night sky over the beach across which the WS Central Committee was walking, slurping on their delicious alcohol-free cocktails served in sliced-up coconuts.

A German comrade was heard mumbling „Wer nicht mal so viel von Dialektik versteht, der kann mich im Arsch lecken…“ as he disappeared under a palm tree.

“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

commietrump

CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

White Marxist to Not Observe Columbus Day in Lone Act of Solidarity

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AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following a year of non-solidarity with the struggles of Native American nations and nationalities against the prisonhouse of nations that is the imperialist United States, local white Marxist Larry Vince is to take this opportunity to mention his solidarity with the various peoples who were the victims of genocide by Columbus and his successors in colonisation of the so-called “New World”.

“I have work off today, but I’m going to use this opportunity to make a Facebook post condemning the United States for its broken treaties with Native Americans, and the beads, and like… y’know… explaining how like, we should apologise?”

Vince seems unaware that such an abstract apology has already been offered, and has spent the past year ignoring all actual Native American struggle, and indeed the struggle of all indigenous peoples across the Americas and the English speaking world.

Sources report that this is likely the reason for his clear ignorance of the concrete demands of the various peoples he is magnanimously taking the time out of his day off to feign respect for today.

“The Germans apologised for the Holocaust, and… Shit, I better edit this before I post, I don’t want people to think I’m saying Columbus was as bad as Hitler.”

The 26-year-old, who once dabbled in the RCPUSA but left because the party was “third worldist”, now predominantly engages in internet activism through Facebook and various forums, where he propogates his radical views:

“I bet if Sanders were still alive, he would say something fitting today. He was the first white politician to show the sort of solidarity with Native Americans I support,” reported Vince.

As of press time, María Rodríguez-García – a Chicana acquaintance of Vince’s – had reportedly rescued him by posting a “Día de la Raza” post to Facebook. The publicly viewable was promptly “liked” by Vince, who is reported to have exclaimed “take that, white supremacy” to himself.

Bob Avakian Wearing a Balaclava Now

BobAvakianCornelWest

NEW YORK – Bob Avakian is apparently appearing in public wearing a balaclava now, and quite often smoking a pipe. Sources within the RCPUSA can neither confirm nor deny any connection between the chairman’s new appearance and the recent announcement that all charges by the Mexican state against EZLN commander Subcomandante Marcos have been dropped due to the statute of limitations laws in that country.

The move, which the CPUSA condemned as “not something the Democratic Party would approve of”, is expected to increase Bob Avakian’s popularity among Chicanos who are already members of the RCPUSA.

Sources in New York were divided on the new choice, with genius theoretician and New School professor Andrew Arato stating: “Everything except my academic publications is adventurism. This applies to the movements of national liberation for the Palestinians and the Kurds, and it applies to whatever it is Bob Avakian does.”

RCPUSA member Raymond Lotta, well known for having a superior moustache to Andrew Arato, disagreed, stating: “Everything Chairman Avakian does draws him closer to the Chicano masses in the United States, whether it is wearing their traditional folk costume or supporting Ted Cruz against Trumpite fascism. Bob Avakian is my daddy.”

RCPUSA sources were also unable to confirm or deny rumours that Bob Avakian is planning to run for the office of President of the United Mexican States on a platform of “a chicken in every pot and a new synthesis for every contradiction”.

Worker’s Spatula Supports Bob Avakian on SCOTUS

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BOSTON – Following news of famous judgerman Antonin Scalia’s death, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula hastily convened to choose a successor that the AmeriKKKan People™ could be proud of. Someone who could make the Supreme Court great again.

Of course, Worker’s Spatula supports Bob Avakian in this historic moment.

Bob Avakian™s Revolutionary New Synthesis™ of Communism™™™ is the answer to the jurisprudential crisis which is so strongly felt by the peoples of the United States at present, as it is the answer to all problems in life.

Worker’s Spatula is confident that faced with any legal case, Bob Avakian will deliver a just ruling, consisting of throwing out the case and advocating a new legal system, and indeed, a new social system, based on a cult of personality around his personage.

Worker’s Spatula would like to emphasise that while it did choose Bob Avakian to endorse for this important task because he is some kind of freaky Maoist, he was not our first choice for freaky Maoist Supreme Court Justice. Obviously, if possible, we would have endorsed Chairman Mao himself, and our second choice would have been Ghanaian leader Kwame Nkrumah, who at least had a cool Mao-like book of quotations.

Even among living US Maoists, we had briefly considered APSP Chairman Omali Yeshitela, who has a better book of quotations than Chairman Bob. However, it was eventually determined that President Obama’s fear of black militancy would render him less likely to follow our advice if it was to appoint Chairman Omali.

We expect that, following our endorsement, Chairman Bob will be appointed as the newest Supreme Court Justice of the United States. Failure to comply with our most reasonable request will result in the full force of Bob Avakian’s people’s army being unleashed upon military targets across the United States. You have been warned.

Image credit: Doing the BAsics with Bob Avakian

RCPUSA Apparently Having Christological Debate about Bob Avakian Now

AwayWithAllGods

[LOCATION REDACTED]* – Unnoticed by anyone not trapped in a conversation with one of their members, the RCPUSA apparently kicked off the new year by debating the essence of Bob Avakian, namely, whether he was “in two natures”, or “of two natures”, the two natures in question being “chairman” and “party member”.

The debate is fierce, with the so-called “Orthodox” camp upholding the “of two natures” thesis threatening a schism from the cadres upholding that Bob Avakian is “in two natures”.

Leader of the “of two natures” camp, Raymond Lotta, agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula’s New York correspondent, after taking him to Bob Avakian’s secret hideout*, blindfolded: “This is an important issue, and it’s true that we have threatened schism because we consider such a division of Bob Avakian to be heretical, but I also want outsiders to understand: Both camps still agree on the fundamentals of our creed, and that Bob Avakian’s New Synthesis is indeed still the one true path to socialism.”

Sunsara Taylor, the de facto leader of the “in two natures” camp, also agreed to speak with us by Skype: “What we are basically upholding is Maoist dialectics. One becomes two. We’re not dividing Bob Avakian. Bob Avakian has divided himself, in his infinite wisdom.”

“On a related note, I just wanted to say that as difficult as this is and as much as I hope that no schism does occur, this is an issue we had to address a long time ago. We all knew deep down that Bob Avakian was greater than the party, or pretty much anything else in life, but we had to deal with the implications. Now at least we can discuss the true nature of the dialectical relationship between the party and its chairman, instead of wasting time on secondary contradictions like the one between the party and the masses.”

*It’s Brooklyn, in case you’re curious.

Leftist New York Jews Condemn US SWP

JewsSayNo

NEW YORK CITY – In response to one Seth Galinsky’s piece in The Militant condemning the BDS movement as indicative of “Jew Hatred” and an attack on “free speech”, assorted red diaper babies in New York City have condemned of the SWP as “Zionists” and “shmendriks”.

“Is this meant to be a joke?” asked Joan Weiss, a member of Jews Say No, an organisation which regularly organises protests to condemn Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people. “I was a Trot back in the day, and we never had a problem with making ‘a pariah of Israel’.”

“They’re Shachtmanites,” retorted her friend and salsa dancing enthusiast Andy Bernstein, who lives with his much younger partner Pablo on the Upper West Side and writes for Socialist Worker. “Shachtmanites wreck everything. They wrecked US Trotskyism and now they want to wreck our solidarity with the Palestinian people! Wreckers!”

“The Militant, they call themselves,” laughed mockingly one Sam Schmidt, RCPUSA activist and Chinese culture expert. “These Trots wouldn’t know militancy if it walked up and introduced itself, selling a copy of Revolution. By the way, check out our latest edition of Revolution!”

Spartacist League activist Ruth Gold refused to condemn the SWP’s stance on Israel and BDS, but insisted we print her correction about our characterisation of the SWP as “Trotskyists”: “I wish you Stalinists would stop calling the SWP Trotskyists. I mean, we don’t consider the UK SWP Trotskyists either, because we are the only real Trotskyists, but the US SWP explicitly rejected Permanent Revolution, making them Stalinists.”

The PFLP has not issued a response to the SWP’s criticisms, much to the surprise of SWP activists. One of their number, Abe Singer, responded: “They like Che Guevara, we like Che Guevara, I’m sure if they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner from Peking Kitchen at my place they would see that there are Jews whose views are just like theirs.”

“Except, you know, we’re more concerned with condemning Hamas than Israel. Except that one part.”