Worker’s Spatula Central Committee on Trump Inauguration

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KO SAMUI, THAILAND – The Worker’s Spatula (WS) Central Committee made a rare public appearance today in a luxury resort on the beautiful island of Ko Samui on the occasion of the inauguration of Donald Trump as a President of the United States of Freedom But Not Necessity.

A brief statement was read by a US comrade, wearing – like all the other Central Committee members – an Islamic bathing suit, sunglasses and a keffiyeh wrapped round his face to hide his identity:

As is well known, Worker’s Spatula was the single most powerful force behind Donald Trump’s victory over not only the RCPUSA-backed Ted Cruz, but the Trotskyite Hillary Clinton. We relentlessly supported him at a time when all the typical left-liberal comedians were still laughing at him.

WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS? THE SPATULA!

This comedy, however, was just a red herring. Did anyone see that movie? No?

So, we would like to announce, as you have all doubtless figured out by now, that the US presidential election was a charade. Donald Trump is in fact an impostor pretending to be president. The real president, as everyone predicted all along, will be labour aristocracy-coddler and soup addict Bernie Sanders.

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders on your well-deserved win! You did it, buddy!

Victory to the masses rising up against the farcical and clearly satirical “presidency” of Donald Trump, focal point of the ever-accelerating dialectic!

LAND AND FREEDOM TO ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLES IN THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

DEATH TO HILLARY CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA!

WORKER’S SPATULA: WE OUT!

Fireworks lit up the night sky over the beach across which the WS Central Committee was walking, slurping on their delicious alcohol-free cocktails served in sliced-up coconuts.

A German comrade was heard mumbling „Wer nicht mal so viel von Dialektik versteht, der kann mich im Arsch lecken…“ as he disappeared under a palm tree.

“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

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CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

White Marxist to Not Observe Columbus Day in Lone Act of Solidarity

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AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following a year of non-solidarity with the struggles of Native American nations and nationalities against the prisonhouse of nations that is the imperialist United States, local white Marxist Larry Vince is to take this opportunity to mention his solidarity with the various peoples who were the victims of genocide by Columbus and his successors in colonisation of the so-called “New World”.

“I have work off today, but I’m going to use this opportunity to make a Facebook post condemning the United States for its broken treaties with Native Americans, and the beads, and like… y’know… explaining how like, we should apologise?”

Vince seems unaware that such an abstract apology has already been offered, and has spent the past year ignoring all actual Native American struggle, and indeed the struggle of all indigenous peoples across the Americas and the English speaking world.

Sources report that this is likely the reason for his clear ignorance of the concrete demands of the various peoples he is magnanimously taking the time out of his day off to feign respect for today.

“The Germans apologised for the Holocaust, and… Shit, I better edit this before I post, I don’t want people to think I’m saying Columbus was as bad as Hitler.”

The 26-year-old, who once dabbled in the RCPUSA but left because the party was “third worldist”, now predominantly engages in internet activism through Facebook and various forums, where he propogates his radical views:

“I bet if Sanders were still alive, he would say something fitting today. He was the first white politician to show the sort of solidarity with Native Americans I support,” reported Vince.

As of press time, María Rodríguez-García – a Chicana acquaintance of Vince’s – had reportedly rescued him by posting a “Día de la Raza” post to Facebook. The publicly viewable was promptly “liked” by Vince, who is reported to have exclaimed “take that, white supremacy” to himself.

Bob Avakian Wearing a Balaclava Now

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NEW YORK – Bob Avakian is apparently appearing in public wearing a balaclava now, and quite often smoking a pipe. Sources within the RCPUSA can neither confirm nor deny any connection between the chairman’s new appearance and the recent announcement that all charges by the Mexican state against EZLN commander Subcomandante Marcos have been dropped due to the statute of limitations laws in that country.

The move, which the CPUSA condemned as “not something the Democratic Party would approve of”, is expected to increase Bob Avakian’s popularity among Chicanos who are already members of the RCPUSA.

Sources in New York were divided on the new choice, with genius theoretician and New School professor Andrew Arato stating: “Everything except my academic publications is adventurism. This applies to the movements of national liberation for the Palestinians and the Kurds, and it applies to whatever it is Bob Avakian does.”

RCPUSA member Raymond Lotta, well known for having a superior moustache to Andrew Arato, disagreed, stating: “Everything Chairman Avakian does draws him closer to the Chicano masses in the United States, whether it is wearing their traditional folk costume or supporting Ted Cruz against Trumpite fascism. Bob Avakian is my daddy.”

RCPUSA sources were also unable to confirm or deny rumours that Bob Avakian is planning to run for the office of President of the United Mexican States on a platform of “a chicken in every pot and a new synthesis for every contradiction”.

News In Brief: February 22nd 2016

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İSTANBUL – It’s becoming increasingly apparent that bourgeois “leftist” Boğaziçi student and self-proclaimed “Trotskyist” Ayşegül Yılmaz does not actually know who Stalin and Trotsky were: “Stalin’s model was one of one-man dictatorship which was worse than capitalism, and he opposed democracies around the world,” said Yılmaz, espousing views closer to those of Kautsky than Trotsky and ascribing to the Marxist-Leninist leader views more akin to those of Blanqui than any of the above. “Trotsky understood you have to let the people make a revolution, whereas Stalin believed a small dictatorial clique could abolish capitalism for the people”. Her friend, Levent Öztürk, agreed: “The worst part about Stalin was that he was so power mad, he wanted to take over the world. He should’ve just built socialism in one country, like the Cubans.”

KUALA LUMPUR – Friends Amar bin Yusuf and Lim Yew finished watching the documentary “the Last Communist” by Amir Muhammad in the latter’s apartment. “Pretty cool,” commented bin Yusuf to Lim. “Too bad we can’t have anything like that in today’s Malaysia.” “Yeah,” agreed Lim. “Those days are over now…” he lamented, clicking away from the YouTube window, which contained a related video on Lenin’s “What Is To be Done?”.

OUAGADOUGOU – Parti communiste révolutionnaire voltaïque cadres continue to wonder why they aren’t more popular with the Burkinabe masses. “We don’t get it! We refused to work with Thomas Sankara in the past, and we refuse to change our name to reflect the current legal name of the country to this day,” complained party cadre Souleymane Bambara. “Why can’t the stupid people of the Upper Volta see that we are the real revolutionaries and anti-imperialists? After all, we’re the ones with relations to EMEP!”

NEW YORK – People are acting surprised that CPUSA is more in Hillary Clinton’s pocket than most registered Democrats at this point. I mean, it’s the CPUSA. The more interesting news is the RCPUSA, which is intervening in the Republican primaries to support Cruz against “Trumpite fascism”.

Worker’s Spatula Supports Bob Avakian on SCOTUS

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BOSTON – Following news of famous judgerman Antonin Scalia’s death, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula hastily convened to choose a successor that the American people could be proud of. Someone who could make the Supreme Court great again.

Of course, Worker’s Spatula supports Bob Avakian in this historic moment.

Bob Avakian™s Revolutionary™ New Synthesis™ of Communism™™™ is the answer to the jurisprudential crisis which is so strongly felt by the peoples of the United States at present, as it is the answer to all problems in life.

Worker’s Spatula is confident that faced with any legal case, Bob Avakian will deliver a just ruling, consisting of throwing out the case and advocating a new legal system, and indeed, a new social system, based on a cult of personality around his personage.

Worker’s Spatula would like to emphasise that while it did choose Bob Avakian to endorse for this important task because he is some kind of freaky Maoist, he was not our first choice for freaky Maoist Supreme Court Justice. Obviously, if possible, we would have endorsed Chairman Mao himself, and our second choice would have been Ghanaian leader Kwame Nkrumah, who at least had a cool Mao-like book of quotations.

Even among living US Maoists, we had briefly considered APSP Chairman Omali Yeshitela, who has a better book of quotations than Chairman Bob. However, it was eventually determined that President Obama’s fear of black militancy would render him less likely to follow our advice if it was to appoint Chairman Omali.

We expect that, following our endorsement, Chairman Bob will be appointed as the newest Supreme Court Justice of the United States. Failure to comply with our most reasonable request will result in the full force of Bob Avakian’s people’s army being unleashed upon military targets across the United States. You have been warned.

Image credit: Doing the BAsics with Bob Avakian

RCPUSA Apparently Having Christological Debate about Bob Avakian Now

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[LOCATION REDACTED]* – Unnoticed by anyone not trapped in a conversation with one of their members, the RCPUSA apparently kicked off the new year by debating the essence of Bob Avakian, namely, whether he was “in two natures”, or “of two natures”, the two natures in question being “chairman” and “party member”.

The debate is fierce, with the so-called “Orthodox” camp upholding the “of two natures” thesis threatening a schism from the cadres upholding that Bob Avakian is “in two natures”.

Leader of the “of two natures” camp, Raymond Lotta, agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula’s New York correspondent, after taking him to Bob Avakian’s secret hideout*, blindfolded: “This is an important issue, and it’s true that we have threatened schism because we consider such a division of Bob Avakian to be heretical, but I also want outsiders to understand: Both camps still agree on the fundamentals of our creed, and that Bob Avakian’s New Synthesis is indeed still the one true path to socialism.”

Sunsara Taylor, the de facto leader of the “in two natures” camp, also agreed to speak with us by Skype: “What we are basically upholding is Maoist dialectics. One becomes two. We’re not dividing Bob Avakian. Bob Avakian has divided himself, in his infinite wisdom.”

“On a related note, I just wanted to say that as difficult as this is and as much as I hope that no schism does occur, this is an issue we had to address a long time ago. We all knew deep down that Bob Avakian was greater than the party, or pretty much anything else in life, but we had to deal with the implications. Now at least we can discuss the true nature of the dialectical relationship between the party and its chairman, instead of wasting time on secondary contradictions like the one between the party and the masses.”

*It’s Brooklyn, in case you’re curious.

Leftist New York Jews Condemn US SWP

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NEW YORK CITY – In response to one Seth Galinsky’s piece in The Militant condemning the BDS movement as indicative of “Jew Hatred” and an attack on “free speech”, assorted red diaper babies in New York City have condemned of the SWP as “Zionists” and “shmendriks”.

“Is this meant to be a joke?” asked Joan Weiss, a member of Jews Say No, an organisation which regularly organises protests to condemn Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people. “I was a Trot back in the day, and we never had a problem with making ‘a pariah of Israel’.”

“They’re Shachtmanites,” retorted her friend and salsa dancing enthusiast Andy Bernstein, who lives with his much younger partner Pablo on the Upper West Side and writes for Socialist Worker. “Shachtmanites wreck everything. They wrecked US Trotskyism and now they want to wreck our solidarity with the Palestinian people! Wreckers!”

“The Militant, they call themselves,” laughed mockingly one Sam Schmidt, RCPUSA activist and Chinese culture expert. “These Trots wouldn’t know militancy if it walked up and introduced itself, selling a copy of Revolution. By the way, check out our latest edition of Revolution!”

Spartacist League activist Ruth Gold refused to condemn the SWP’s stance on Israel and BDS, but insisted we print her correction about our characterisation of the SWP as “Trotskyists”: “I wish you Stalinists would stop calling the SWP Trotskyists. I mean, we don’t consider the UK SWP Trotskyists either, because we are the only real Trotskyists, but the US SWP explicitly rejected Permanent Revolution, making them Stalinists.”

The PFLP has not issued a response to the SWP’s criticisms, much to the surprise of SWP activists. One of their number, Abe Singer, responded: “They like Che Guevara, we like Che Guevara, I’m sure if they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner from Peking Kitchen at my place they would see that there are Jews whose views are just like theirs.”

“Except, you know, we’re more concerned with condemning Hamas than Israel. Except that one part.”

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

Do-Nothing Marxist-Leninist Party Reads Worker’s Spatula

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SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication the world over, enjoys popularity unparallelled by any newspaper, website, or newsletter on the Marxist left. From small protests in New York to massive riots in Şırnak to the front of the people’s war in India, Worker’s Spatula is the name that is on every revolutionary’s lips.

So popular is Worker’s Spatula that some parties have even begun to incorporate insights gleaned from the paper into their theoretical study. One such example is the Revolutionary Communist Party of Cascadia, which has added the entirety of Worker’s Spatula’s output to their required reading for members.

“What we enjoy most about Worker’s Spatula is that not only do they share our correct analysis of international politics, but they make fun of all the parties around us who are actually doing shit,” explained ‘Comrade Lucy’, who agreed to be interviewed by us as she changed the RCPC’s Facebook page cover photo from a photo of Mao to one of Pol Pot. “Socialist Alternative, RCPUSA, and some foreign parties we pretend to know shit about, it’s good to see all these parties with some vague connection to everyday politics in their social context lampooned. Frankly, it’s all I read anymore.”

Her Comrade, Dawn ‘Red Dawn’ Wilson, agreed: “Worker’s Spatula gets it, everyone on the left today is basically liberal, and nobody spends enough time defending Stalin, Che, Mao, Jiang Qing, Enver Hoxha, Thomas Sankara, Ho Chi Min, Pol Pot, and North Korea. Defending these dead leaders is much more important than having actual praxis, because any praxis not built upon a solid foundation in anti-revisionism is doomed to failure.”

“Uphold the correct line.”

As the two sat in their party headquarters (the corner table of the cafeteria at Seattle University), exchanging hilarious anti-revisionist memes, we enquired if we could speak to other members of the party.

“Oh for sure,” said ‘Comrade Lucy’. “Our street team, which is to say, Comrade Steve, is usually at the food cart on the corner, handing out our pamphlet, Cascadian Partisan.”

‘Comrade Steve’ was happy to see us, and handed us a copy of Cascadian Partisan, which did indeed contain a quote from a Worker’s Spatula article lampooning Socialist Alternative.

“We hate Socialist Alternative, they’re such opportunists and reformists,” explained ‘Comrade Steve’, as he flicked his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped back on the curb to discuss the finer points of theory, and also to order a plate of halal street meat. “They don’t even uphold the right to self-determination for the Cascadian nation.”

“Cascadia is a nation on the grounds that we think it’d be pretty cool if we seceded from the US. We’d have like, a red base right here in North America. We’d be able to dismantle capitalism by building agrarian communes and shit, like in Cambodia. We’d call it ‘the People’s Democratic Republic of Cascadia’, and our flag would be a black hammer/sickle/Kalashnikov symbol on a red background. Pretty sick, right?”

“You guys should do something about that. Like a piece where you call Socialist Alternative COINTELPRO agents because they’re not helping to raise national consciousness among the Cascadian people.”

“If Socialist Alternative was really serious about revolution, Kshama Sawant would help fight to change the gun laws in Washington so that people 18 and older could purchase a rifle. I’ve saved up, but I’m still waiting until I turn 21.”

“Fuckin’ Trotskyites. They’re good for nothing,” he concluded.