Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

News in Brief: February 1st 2017

Bidhya Devi Bhandari

KATHMANDU – A new Nepali constitution was introduced this week, which accidentally included the abolition of the institution of marriage: “I honestly cannot tell you how this happened,” said President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, when reached for comment by our Malaysian correspondent. “We’ve all been so distracted by foreign policy that I couldn’t even tell you where this latest proposal for rewriting the constitution originated. Maybe I did it? Maybe the Maoists? Somebody’s got to answer for this.”

Prime Minister Pushpa Kamal Dahal, better known as “Prachaveli”, strongly repudiated the claim in a televised interview conducted from his mansion: “I remember when the proposal first came up in parliament. It was the Trotskyites who proposed a new constitution. It’s always the Trotskyites, with their wrecking.

“I’m personally furious. What Maoist could oppose marriage, an institution in which our Chairprophet was an enthusiastic participant?”

İZMİR – Local DHKP-C cadres had a bit too much to drink last night, and announced themselves loudly as members to the police at the İZBAN, who proceeded to beat them silly, much to the horror of lookers-on.

Foreign sympathisers of the gun-wielding equivalent of the ÖDP are expected to get extremely drunk and provoke local police in solidarity. Haklılar, kazanacaklar.

TWITTERLAND – US communist Twitter was thrown into a panic at rumours of @bennykoval and @DadTankie‘s breakup. Our US correspondents could not think of anything else of interest to report back from that country, as the next ROL newsletter won’t be out for another month.

Worker’s Spatula Central Committee on Trump Inauguration

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KO SAMUI, THAILAND – The Worker’s Spatula (WS) Central Committee made a rare public appearance today in a luxury resort on the beautiful island of Ko Samui on the occasion of the inauguration of Donald Trump as a President of the United States of Freedom But Not Necessity.

A brief statement was read by a US comrade, wearing – like all the other Central Committee members – an Islamic bathing suit, sunglasses and a keffiyeh wrapped round his face to hide his identity:

As is well known, Worker’s Spatula was the single most powerful force behind Donald Trump’s victory over not only the RCPUSA-backed Ted Cruz, but the Trotskyite Hillary Clinton. We relentlessly supported him at a time when all the typical left-liberal comedians were still laughing at him.

WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS? THE SPATULA!

This comedy, however, was just a red herring. Did anyone see that movie? No?

So, we would like to announce, as you have all doubtless figured out by now, that the US presidential election was a charade. Donald Trump is in fact an impostor pretending to be president. The real president, as everyone predicted all along, will be labour aristocracy-coddler and soup addict Bernie Sanders.

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders on your well-deserved win! You did it, buddy!

Victory to the masses rising up against the farcical and clearly satirical “presidency” of Donald Trump, focal point of the ever-accelerating dialectic!

LAND AND FREEDOM TO ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLES IN THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

DEATH TO HILLARY CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA!

WORKER’S SPATULA: WE OUT!

Fireworks lit up the night sky over the beach across which the WS Central Committee was walking, slurping on their delicious alcohol-free cocktails served in sliced-up coconuts.

A German comrade was heard mumbling „Wer nicht mal so viel von Dialektik versteht, der kann mich im Arsch lecken…“ as he disappeared under a palm tree.

“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

commietrump

CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

hoxhawins

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

Clowns Probably in the Right

clown

CHICAGO – Following months of intensive research into “the clown situation” in the US, top dialecticians at Worker’s Spatula have tentatively arrived at the conclusion that the clowns are probably in the right.

“All we’re saying is, these clowns aren’t apparently exploiting or oppressing anyone. They seem to have rejected bourgeois society and taken to the woods in the dead of night. This places them somewhere in the range of Jill Stein or the Revolutionary Organization of Labor [sic] in terms of their praxis.

“Look, it’s not as if anyone else around here knows what they’re doing such that we’re in a position to criticise the clowns. We think they’re gathering forces for a Maoist people’s war?”

Evidence for this latter claim is largely found in news out of British Columbia that one “Subcomandante Bozo” performed a spooky pantomime at half three in the morning outside a reporter’s window, which depicted the surrounding of urban areas from the woods, and implying the occupation of larger parks within cities.

Reports of clown sightings in the UK have are on the rise, with a sighting in Durham confirming Worker’s Spatula’s suspicions that the clowns are on the right side of history: “If you’re going to be from England, at least be from the north of England,” opined our Glasgow correspondent.

“We call on these clowns to carry their reign of terror to the representatives of London rule in occupied Northumbria. Long live the clowns, death to England!”

Multiple instances of graffiti have been spotted in York’s Walmgate Stray, reading “DON’T VOTE THROW PIES”. Local police have taken to questioning suspicious-looking youth to determine if they are or are not “down with the clown”.

While initial opinion polls indicated a high level of fear and distrust of the clowns by the public at large, a spike in public sympathy for the clowns has been observed following reports of several clown sightings in Dublin prior to the disappearance of pop star and eyewear aficionado Bono.

White Marxist to Not Observe Columbus Day in Lone Act of Solidarity

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AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following a year of non-solidarity with the struggles of Native American nations and nationalities against the prisonhouse of nations that is the imperialist United States, local white Marxist Larry Vince is to take this opportunity to mention his solidarity with the various peoples who were the victims of genocide by Columbus and his successors in colonisation of the so-called “New World”.

“I have work off today, but I’m going to use this opportunity to make a Facebook post condemning the United States for its broken treaties with Native Americans, and the beads, and like… y’know… explaining how like, we should apologise?”

Vince seems unaware that such an abstract apology has already been offered, and has spent the past year ignoring all actual Native American struggle, and indeed the struggle of all indigenous peoples across the Americas and the English speaking world.

Sources report that this is likely the reason for his clear ignorance of the concrete demands of the various peoples he is magnanimously taking the time out of his day off to feign respect for today.

“The Germans apologised for the Holocaust, and… Shit, I better edit this before I post, I don’t want people to think I’m saying Columbus was as bad as Hitler.”

The 26-year-old, who once dabbled in the RCPUSA but left because the party was “third worldist”, now predominantly engages in internet activism through Facebook and various forums, where he propogates his radical views:

“I bet if Sanders were still alive, he would say something fitting today. He was the first white politician to show the sort of solidarity with Native Americans I support,” reported Vince.

As of press time, María Rodríguez-García – a Chicana acquaintance of Vince’s – had reportedly rescued him by posting a “Día de la Raza” post to Facebook. The publicly viewable was promptly “liked” by Vince, who is reported to have exclaimed “take that, white supremacy” to himself.

Family Living in Fantasy World Visits Nonexistent Country

choppinheads

MONTRÉAL – Sources across Canadia remain divided as to whether it is more embarrassing for humanity that we are still pretending the Royal Family are anything but another unit of irrectifiable reactionary big bourgeois who must be liquidated, or that anyone would travel any significant distance to visit this pseudo-country.

“As an Atheist, I find everyone’s belief in God a little puzzling,” local Canadian republican Eric Ray told our source in Montréal, “but I do want to remind people that the Anglican god is still held to have some special interest in their being the nominal heads of various states chosen seemingly at random from across the globe.”

“I know,” responded our correspondent. “Everyone knows Allah’s only interested in Hizbullah’s victory over the enemies of the people and the ice-axeing of all Trotskyists.”

Other sources, however, found the continued implication of Canadia’s importance more frustrating, with Parti Québécois spokesman Jean Purelaine stating: “We mostly hate the royal family because they remind us we are still in Canada. Abolish Canada and we won’t have to worry about them, or anything else the English have ever created, because we’ll be free to trade directly with the United St… oh that’s right.”

“It’s true that Canada shouldn’t even exist,” responded [REDACTED], a spokesperson for the RCP-PCR. “But Québec shouldn’t exist either, and in fact Québec’s existence is equally frustrating to Canada’s existence, objectively speaking.

“However we will grant that unlike Québec, Canada is a lightning rod for irrelevant bullshit like the British monarchy, and their stupid pissing contest with the Yanks over who makes better sitcoms, or whatever it is the English talk about.”

UPDATE: Since this article was published, all correspondents and editors involved were forced to give their self-criticism for implicitly accepting that Canada does in fact exist in the first place.

Communist Menace Just Silly Children Who Need to Grow up

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LONDON – Following the military defeat of ISIS leader Owen Smith by guerrilla forces under the leadership of John McDonnell and composed primarily of Red London and Worker’s Spatula cadres, the latter have returned to their journalistic duties.

Among the surprises which met our English correspondents in their return to civilian life was the fact that the Welsh socialist group which may or may not still be known as Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr has yet to drive out British colonial rule through a Popple’s Wor, and the Scottish are still dragging their feet on secession as well.

So it looks like it’s up to England to save the day AGAIN.

However, communists in the UK can expect a bitter struggle within and beyond Corbyn’s anti-austerity political campaigns, not least because the communists are a dangerous element whose fanatical ideas could lead to the deaths of millions in Britain, and also because they are a marginal and infantile trend who will soon come to terms with the real world, grow up, and become Blairites themselves.

Yes, sources across the UK political spectrum, from the Tories to the Red Tories, agree that communists are all just idiotic student union members looking for attention that must not be taken seriously. Moreover, it is agreed that they constitute a real threat to the Labour Party and Britain that must be stopped.

“This is hardly a surprising development,” said UK politics analyst and Trotskyite extraordinaire Richard Seymour, when pressed for comment. “It’s well known that anything left of bourgeois centre in the UK is both a threat to our very way of life and also a passing fad barely worth a mention. Having Red London running about, waving red flags and singing about red flags and that, it’s definitely an issue for people who understand how much they alienate the entire population of Britain except a ragtag gang of student losers, and also understand that they will one day topple the British state and have us all killed for being revisionists or reactionaries of one sort or another.

“One needn’t look to the murderous hordes of Stalinists who control Wales and parts of London to see evidence of this fact: One need merely take note of Corbyn himself, whose fanatical support drowns out the need to discuss his troublesome lack of popularity which renders him fundamentally unelectable.

“This trend shows little chance of decline. I personally have been told to join the SWP three times today.”

As of press time, a group calling itself “the Red Hand of Blair” has claimed responsibility for a car bomb in Brighton which claimed the lives of several known Corbynite figures. The statement reads, in part: “We have been forced to take up arms to defend the fundamental moderation of the Labour Party from the unelectable views endorsed by the electorate. Dialectics, innit.”

Yelp Reviewer Clearly Using Reviews to Incite People’s War

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SYDNEY – Following a string of Yelp restaurant reviews by one “JungleTiger” which paid scant attention to the quality of food and service but dedicated paragraphs to non sequitur statements about the history of the international communist movement and the wait staff’s views thereon, it has become clear that the author of these reviews is pursuing a strategy of utilising Yelp reviews to further the accumulation of forces for a coming “People’s War”.

“Teras Bali is a decent restaurant. I particularly liked the seafood. Indonesia is a country with a rich and storied history and culture. But a part of it many Australians might not know much about is the way that the mighty PKI was unable to achieve victory despite what appeared to be quite favourable circumstances, because unfortunately the universal truth of Protracted People’s War had not yet been revealed by the RIM’s groundbreaking analysis of Mao’s contributions to the proletarian ideology. The result was the massacre of millions. And yet the bourgeois Peruvians over at La Perrillada want to tell me about how bad Abimael Guzmán was!”

The account has reviewed numerous Chinese restaurants in the Sydney area, and even other metropolitan areas of Australia, including Melbourne and Adelaide (which is a hole). Statistical analysis reveals a clear pattern by which restaurants whose wait staff recall the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution more fondly receive higher reviews. The account’s single five-star review belongs to a restaurant in Sydney where an older waiter joined the reviewer in singing along to Cultural Revolution songs on their iPhone:

“毛泽东思想是不落的太阳!”

A hole-in-the-wall Albanian restaurant was added to the web site by “JungleTiger” simply so they could review it. The review in its entirety reads “Bloody dogmato-revisionists”.