“Stalinist-Hoxhaists United” Doxxed by RedHack

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Following the rogue Twitter account’s attempt to discredit known friend of the Spatula J. Moufawad-Paul‘s impeccable philosophical credentials, Maoist elements operating within RedHack swiftly messaged the half-dozen Hoxhaite groups in the country to enquire if anyone had any information about “Stalinist-Hoxhaists United”. Following the general consensus that this Twitter account was an agent of the Trotskyites or some other enemies within the pro-Hoxha Twitter, the Maoists wasted no time in mobilising Ovacık’s finest hackers to determine the identity of the miscreant attacking their Canadian comrade.

“We were suspicious of this ‘Stalinist-Hoxhaist’ talk from the beginning,” explained one “Munzurlu İbo” to our correspondent over the traditional Turkish Maoist hacker lunchtime meal of tea and onions. “Here in Dersim, we have every kind of communist under the sun, except Trots; ya Xızır, to ma Troçkoyo ra star kerdime. So we know what various Hoxhaites think about everything from the Sino-Soviet split to which rakı they prefer at türkü bars.

“This ‘Stalinist-Hoxhaists United’ account, on the other hand, talks about Enver Hoxha like some Trot parody of how we talk about Mao. There’s no way whoever’s behind it is genuine. So we hacked them, and it turned out to be someone in California?”

At this juncture, “Munzurlu İbo” plopped a manila folder full of printed-up IP addresses, passwords, and other login information on the table. Our correspondent was shocked:

Jeremy fucking Gong???” exclaimed our shocked correspondent, quite united frontishly.

“You know this scoundrel?” asked the moustached Dersimli, taking another massive bite of raw onion.

“Know him? He’s the biggest cop in the DSA, and that’s saying something!”

“But why would a cop in the DSA want to pose as a Hoxhaist to attack Maoists in Canada? I mean, from what we know, North America isn’t like Dersim; it’s not just an entire population raised to view İbrahim Kaypakkaya as a messianic figure and have strong opinions about diverse guerrilla groups who live in our backyards.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” replied our correspondent, using the phrase Worker’s Spatula writers use every single time they say some shit which is extremely non-obvious: “Jeremy Gong knows that the principled unity between the North American Hoxhaites and Maoists who read Worker’s Spatula is laying the foundation for a renaissance of revolutionary politics in North America, and needs to divide them and keep them marginal so that his careerist plots are not foiled by the heroism of the masses, and of course, people who read and share Worker’s Spatula pieces and memes.

“JMP was the perfect target because he gets along with ESP people, writes for Abstrakt, and generally is beloved by all the anti-revisionists. His readership continues to grow, as do the critical connections between those readers. Fomenting a fight between Maoists and Hoxhaites was the means by which the scoundrel and likely TERF Jeremy Gong hoped to use to break this rising tide of anti-revisionism.”

“Fair enough,” said the apparently easily convinced Dersimli Maoist, “but there’s just one mystery unsolved, which is which pro-Mao group have you written me as actually representing? One of the TKP/MLs? MKP?”

“Oh, you’re with Bolşevik Parti.”

“Nice, build the ICOR.”

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New 12-Step Programme AAAA Founded for those Addicted to Artisanal Anti-Revisionism

ihtilal

CW: Addiction, self-harm

A BASEMENT IN LOS ANGELES – A new twelve-step programme called “Artisanal Anti-Revisionism Addicts Anonymous” (AAAA) has been founded in Los Angeles (or by its full, original, Spanish name: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili), which is targeted at anti-revisionists too disattached from the social dogma even for Gonzaloism.

You know, the sort of people who read Abstrakt and write for Worker’s Spatula and have strong opinions about the TİKB splits.

These poor souls have had their chance at a normal life ruined by a crippling addiction to reading condemnations, analysis, and declarations from various anti-revisionist groups so obscure in the mainstream discourse and so furiously angry at the various frauds who masquerade as Marxists these days that they make the RIM look like social democrats. Using the traditional twelve-step format for other addictions, they hope to come together and become normal, healthy, functioning (but critical) members of popular fronts.

The inaugural meeting began with all attendees going round the circle and introducing themselves in turn, in the form: “my name is [FIRST NAME], and I’m addicted to obscure boutique anti-revisionist publications”.

“It started with reading old Stalinist Workers Group for Afro-American National Liberation and a New Communist International polemics against anyone and everyone. I thought it was no big deal, just a fun way to arm myself theoretically against the modern revisionists,” explained one young man, who was fired from his job for spending an entire workweek doing nothing but printing up hundreds of pages of opinions on precisely what went wrong in China.

“The next thing I know, I’m casually using terms like ‘modern revisionists’, and teaching myself Tamil so I can read NDMLP propaganda from Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. That’s like extra bad island India, with extra annoying Trots. Our comrades in the NDMLP say that…” trailed off the young man before bursting into tears, horrified at what he had become.

The young woman seated to his right patted him on the back to comfort him before taking her turn: “I started talking to some of the APL people in some leftbook group. It seemed like there couldn’t be any harm in reading Enver Hoxha. Then I found out that in Turkey, Hoxhaism is so mainstream that there are multiple kinds of Hoxhaist who disagree with each other on how to criticise Hoxha, whether to do it like Hoxha or Stalin or Freire or Che or something. I hit bottom last week when I found myself snorting the ashes from a printed-up stack of Devrimci Proletarya tweets I had smoked while listening to Kutup Yıldızı and screaming ‘FACTIONALIST! SPLITTER! NEO-BERNSTEINITE!’ at the mirror.

“My mother came in just as I had punched the mirror, shattering it to pieces. When she tried to take my wounded hands in hers, I pulled away screaming ‘NO, COMRADE MOM, I NEED TO WRITE A SELF-CRITICISM IN MY OWN BLOOD!'”

A minor spat broke out between two members over which four-person Guevarist group hiding in the Andes whose faxed pamphlets they had read in the library was more correct in their critical engagement with the Bolivarian Revolution, causing the moderator to have to intervene and remind them: “Comrades, let’s not forget that we want to be the sort of people who can hear the word ‘Venezuela’ without launching into an hour-long sectarian tirade against sectarianism.”

All members of the group, regardless of tendency or number of screeds they have wheatpasted to the walls of their college campus, could agree on their higher power to which they would appeal as they worked their way through the steps: the dialectic of history.

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Point/Counterpoint: Yelling About Hegel

JMPGWFMZT

The First Annual Clandestine Worker’s Spatula Marxist Theory Symposium and Dance-a-Thon was held at an undisclosed part of York University campus in Toronto, Canada last night. Attendees who arrived thanks to secret invitations came from locations as diverse as Australia, China, Turkey, India, and Argentina to debate topics ranging from economics to gender politics to philosophy.

The highlight of the evening, according to all in attendance, was the debate on “Yelling About Hegel”, which consisted of York University’s own J. Moufawad Paul, who swiped the keys to get us all into the [REDACTED] building, and a Worker’s Spatula representative who is hot for Hegel. What follows is a 100% factual and 100% accurate transcript, and if J. Moufawad Paul seeks to object in any way, we can only assume his account has been hacked by the Russians, as is traditional in North America.

Moderator: Well, I see we have a packed room for this panel. Expected, I suppose, because if there’s one thing that draws the big crowds, it’s heated arguments about Hegel. You all know the rules: each participant is permitted to yell until they run out of breath, at which point the other begins yelling until they run out of breath. If I start yelling, everyone else has to stop yelling until I finish what I’m saying. The debate is over when somebody flips the table like TİKB did during the Toblerone conference in London. Any preliminary, non-yelled remarks from either of you?

WS: First of all, since we’re going to be yelling about Hegel, I want to give a shout-out to Arif Çelebi. Secondly, on behalf of all of our cadre taking part in the Ramadan fast, I wanted to thank J. Moufawad-Paul for his thoughtful choice of bream for this evening’s iftar. He has been nothing if not a gracious host to us, and has made me personally rethink my prejudiced view that all white settler-colonial English Canadians are hypocritical liberal scum.

JMP: Please, comrade. I also love bream. But I’m glad that I could prove that not all individuals from settler-colonial Canadian society are roughly as culturally sensitive as Justin Trudeau, if not to his right. I hope that this event will be the first in many occasions for meaningful exchange between revolutionary trends across the world. By the way, is there any chance you’d like to accept that Maoism is the third and hi…

Moderator: …AND WITH THAT, WE’RE OFF! START YELLING!

JMP: Oh, is it… is it time for me to start yelling? Okay: WHERE DO I BEGIN? MY POSITION IS ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS: HEGEL IS AN IDEALIST PHILOSOPHER, AND THE REPEATED IMPLICATION BY WORKER’S SPATULA THAT HEGEL IS ON PAR WITH MARX WAS ALWAYS INTERPRETED AS A JOKE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. IS IT ACTUALLY WORKER’S SPATULA’S POSITION THAT, AND I QUOTE, “MARXISM-LENINISM, MORE LIKE HEGELIANISM-LENINISM, AMIRITE?”?(?)

WS: YEAH SURE, WHY NOT? I’M NOT GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT. YOU CAN’T BE A MARXIST WITHOUT HEGEL. IT’S NOT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT EVERY MODERN REVISIONIST YOU TALK TO CAN’T SUMMARISE THE UNIVERSAL MOTION OF DIALECTICS ON EVEN THE MOST BASIC LEVEL. YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE DIALECTICS AS A MARXIST.

JMP: I NEVER SAID DIALECTICS WASN’T AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THE MARXIST WORLDVIEW, I WROTE A FUCKING DIAMAT MANUAL. BUT IN THE DIALECTICAL INTERPLAY BETWEEN BEING AND CONSCIOUSNESS, THE BEING IS PRIMARY, AND HEGEL’S SHORTCOMING WAS PRECISELY IN HIS FAILURE TO GRASP THIS.

WS: DID HEGEL MAKE MISTAKES? OF COURSE HE DID. IN SO LONG A PERIOD FILLED WITH HEROISM, TRIALS, STRUGGLE, TRIUMPHS, IT IS INEVITABLE NOT ONLY FOR HEGEL PERSONALLY BUT ALSO FOR GERMAN IDEALISM AS A WHOLE TO MAKE MISTAKES.

MODERATOR: FOUL! No paraphrasing Enver Hoxha or Mao Zedong quotes defending Stalin! That joke is for Twitter only.

WS: Sorry, force of habit.

MODERATOR: That’s fine, just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. JMP? Can we get your word that you won’t do the same?

JMP: Hey, I never do that anyway.

MODERATOR: Very well. Comrade, would you like to yell a more original and substantial response?

WS: LENIN SAID “INTELLIGENT IDEALISM IS CLOSER TO INTELLIGENT MATERIALISM THAN STUPID MATERIALISM”. WE CAN’T GO THE DIRECTION WHERE WE PAINT HEGEL AS AN ENEMY OF MARXISM!

JMP: I’M A FUCKING PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR! I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD READ HEGEL, AND I’VE READ HEGEL, AND I’VE TAUGHT HEGEL! I KNOW FULL WELL ALL THE WAYS HEGEL IS MISREPRESENTED, BUT MARX EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIES HEGELIAN DIALECTICS AS BEING DEFICIENT IN ITS IDEALISM, AND THE ANTI-REVISIONIST TRADITION IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS FROM HEGELIANISM AS SUCH, JUST AS MODERN REVISIONISM IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS WITH DIALECTICS AS SUCH.

DIALECTICS IS NOT SIMPLY DEFINED AS HEGELIANISM. THE FACT THAT IN THE MILIEU OF GERMAN IDEALISM A CERTAIN LANGUAGE EMERGED THAT WAS USEFUL FOR MARX IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE HERE DENIES. THE ISSUE IS THAT YOU COULD JUST KEEP GOING BACK WITH THAT: DO WE NEED KANT TO UNDERSTAND HEGEL?

WS: LENIN ALSO SAID: “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE COMPLETELY TO UNDERSTAND MARX’S CAPITAL, AND ESPECIALLY ITS FIRST CHAPTER, WITHOUT HAVING THOROUGHLY STUDIED AND UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE OF HEGEL’S LOGIC. CONSEQUENTLY, HALF A CENTURY LATER NONE OF THE MARXISTS UNDERSTOOD MARX!!” DID HE EVER SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT KANT?

MODERATOR: FUCKING FOUL! That’s two quotes from Lenin talking about Hegel in a row! Stop relying on Lenin to make your argumentation. JMP, your turn to yell.

JMP: LENIN IS NOT AN INFALLIBLE SOURCE FOR UNDERSTANDING THE MARXIST METHOD! I HALF-EXPECTED YOU TO QUOTE ENGELS NEXT. AS I ARGUE IN MY BOOK, WHICH YOU’D KNOW IF YOU READ IT, I AM NOT ONLY AGAINST VULGAR MATERIALISM AND PSEUDO DIALECTICS, BUT ALSO AGAINST IDEALIST DIALECTICS IN THE FORM OF “PURE HEGELIANISM”, EVEN AS FOUND IN MARXISM! THIS WAS MAO’S FUNDAMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH: THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS ITSELF A FORM OF IDEALISM!

WS: Yeah, the SMF said the same thing when asked about the Abstrakt piece about Maoist dialectics.

JMP: The SMF?

WS: They’re supposedly a front for the [REDACTED].

JMP: Ah. Well, you see? MLMs.

MODERATOR: You’re not yelling.

JMP: WHETHER OR NOT THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS A HEGELIAN CONCEPT THAT HAS NO PLACE IN MARXISM OR NOT, IT’S NOT THE CASE THAT A KNOWLEDGE OF HEGEL ALONE IS A THEORETICAL DEFENCE FROM REVISIONISM: ŽIŽEK IS A FINE CONTEMPORARY EXAMPLE, HE DEFENDS THE RATIONAL CORE OF HEGELIANISM AS A BASIS FOR MARXIST THOUGHT MORE STRONGLY THAN ANYONE, MORE THAN YOU EVEN, AND YET HE ALSO DEVIATES CONSTANTLY TO THE RIGHT, YOU DON’T NEED ME TO LIST ALL OF HIS ERRORS, YOU’VE MOCKED HIS IDIOCY MORE THAN ALMOST ANYONE.

AND WITHIN ACTUALLY EXISTING SOCIALISM: MANY OF THE CAPITALIST-ROADERS DEFENDED A SORT OF CONSERVATIVE HEGELIANISM, A “RIGHT HEGELIANISM”. HELL, THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN FREQUENTLY EMPLOY THE TERM “LEFT HEGELIANISM” IS A TELL: YOU’RE FULLY AWARE HOW FORMAL HEGELIANISM CAN BE REACTIONARY, JUST AS YOU MUST AGREE THAT THE THEORETICALLY UNDEVELOPED MOTION OF THE MASSES HAS A GREATER REVOLUTIONARY POTENTIAL THAN ANY THEORY NOT APPLIED IN PRACTICE!

WS: FINALLY WE GET TO THE MEAT OF THE MATTER! FIRSTLY: IT’S DEFINITELY TRUE THAT THERE ARE RIGHT HEGELIANS AND THAT OPPORTUNISM AND REACTION HAVE BEEN AIDED BY PEOPLE WHO FORMALLY DEFENDED HEGEL WITHIN REVOLUTIONARY CONTEXTS, BUT WOULD YOU REALLY ARGUE THAT MAO’S CAPITALIST-ROADER OPPONENTS HAD A FIRM GRASP ON DIALECTICS, IDEALIST OR OTHERWISE, GIVEN THAT THEIR FUNDAMENTAL AIM WAS TO CONCEAL RATHER THAN REVEAL CONTRADICTIONS?

REGARDLESS, THIS IS THE SAME AS TRYING TO BRUSH ASIDE MARX BY POINTING OUT THAT OVER 90% OF FORMALLY DECLARED MARXISTS ARE CHARLATANS, FRAUDS, SCOUNDRELS, RENEGADES, AND OTHER INSULTS LENIN WOULD’VE USED. OUR DEFENCE OF MARXISM AS A METHOD AGAINST FORMALIST APPROPRIATIONS OF MARXISM, EITHER IN THE FORM OF A WORSHIP OF ICONOGRAPHY OR A SORT OF RELIGIOUS TEXTUALISM MASQUERADING AS ACADEMIC MARXISM: THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY THE SAME AS OUR DEFENCE OF HEGELIANISM, WHICH AGAIN, WE CLAIM IT IS NO COINCIDENCE WAS MARX’S PRIMARY POINT OF THEORETICAL REFERENCE.

THIRDLY, YOU MAKE REFERENCE TO THE MASSES: WE DEFINITELY AGREE THAT THERE MUST BE A DIALECTICAL PROCESS BETWEEN MASS AND ORGANISATION, THAT AN ORGANISATION WHICH FAILS TO UNDERSTAND ITS SUBJECTIVE AND OBJECTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MASSES CAN NEVER BE REVOLUTIONARY, BUT THE VERY FACT OF BUILDING SUCH AN ORGANISATION IS A SUBJECTIVE MANIFESTATION OF TRYING TO DEVELOP A REVOLUTIONARY THEORY WHICH, I PRESUME YOU WOULD ALSO AGREE, IN THE FINAL INSTANCE IS A NECESSITY FOR TRULY REVOLUTIONARY PRACTICE!

SO: IF WE DEFEND HEGEL IN TERMS OF A THEORETICAL BASIS, IT IS NOT BECAUSE WE ARE “IDEALISTS”, ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE FOR DEFENDING “MAOIST DIALECTICS”, OUR ARGUMENT IS THAT TO DEVELOP A CORRECT THEORETICAL LINE, WE NEED BOTH A MATERIAL ENGAGEMENT AND A FIRM GRASP ON WHAT DIALECTICS IS!

JMP: BUT YOUR ARGUMENT ON THE DEFINITION OF DIALECTICS IS BASED ENTIRELY ON HEGEL SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A FORMAL COMMITMENT TO HEGEL’S HISTORICAL ROLE WITHIN THE GERMAN PHILOSOPHICAL TRADITION AT THE POINT OF MARX’S WRITING!

Tragically, the debate was cut short at this juncture when a DHKP-C guerrilla who had infiltrated the symposium began firing a small handgun into the air and screaming: “FEUERBACH ÜZERİNE 11. TEZ!” over and over again whilst the entire crowd fled the room to retrieve their own weapons.

UPDATE: J. Moufawad-Paul has agreed to continue the discussion in an even more private location with the proceedings to be published later this Ramadan. Worker’s Spatula would like to apologise as usual on behalf of the Turkish left for the Mahircis being so goddamned Mahirci all the time.

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Focoism or PPW?

ChineseChe

Euzübillahimineşşeytanirracim Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. It is time we talk with our dear readers, our sisters and brothers in faith, about certain münafık tendencies among the Maocular.

It is well known that the majority of the people behind our page are followers of Imam Enver Hoxha. Those who are not consider themselves anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists without reference to Albania or China. But nonetheless we have always sought cordial relations with the truly anti-revisionist followers of Imam Mao.

However, we can remain silent no longer. While we obviously hold that many of the positions of RIM Maoists are reasonable and good, we must take issue with this doctrine of Protracted People’s War, which as is obvious, is in flagrant opposition to the doctrine of Focoism that all the rest of us hold to be central to our theory and practice.

So long as any so-called anti-revisionists fail to grasp the centrality of Focoism

…okay, only the Maoists should still be reading at this point. Nobody else could possibly care this much about the so-called “question” of “Focoism or PPW”.

Hey Maoists, how are you doing?

We’ve obviously had some disagreements in the past, but we like to think most of you who would take the time to read our “dogmato-revisionist” site are fairly reasonable. And in return, we hope that you recognise our good will in spite of our differences.

We need to talk to you about Jeremy fucking Gong.

At the time of publication, there are just over 24 hours until the East Bay DSA Steering Committee election. Jeremy Gong and his Bread and Roses clique of Kautskyite wreckers have probably already used Friday’s absentee or “proxy” voting to stuff the ballot boxes with votes in favour of their slate against the righteous and popular Working-Class Unity and Power slate that we support. Come Sunday’s election in Oakland, we’re naturally concerned the election may already be rigged against us. If the crypto-fascist neo-Mensheviks of the Bread and Roses slate make it through the election process on Sunday, our worst fears will be confirmed, and worse still, the dictatorial power the revisionist and scoundrel Jeremy Gong wields over the East Bay branch of the DSA will likely go unchecked for the foreseeable future.

We know most of you don’t care about DSA, and that’s just fine, but surely you want to do a solidarity for your old friends at the Spatula? ‘Course you do!

Can you use your connections to make any Maoists in the Bay Area converge on the convention in Oakland on Sunday so as to be ready in the event of a fraudulent result (any result where any single Bread and Roses candidate is actually elected)?

We don’t want you to hurt anyone. Can you just set something on fire, ideally a ballot box (you know, like Sendero Luminoso), as a show of force?

We just need the Gongites to be afraid of us if they are able to fraudulently keep Working-Class Unity and Power (and especially dear, dear Hasan) off the Steering Committee, so that we still have space to manoeuvre. They have to know that we’re not sahipsiz, you know?

Look, if your people in the Bay Area need convincing, let’s just put it this way: Hasan’s favourite Armani Depaul is “Cookies and Milk”. That’s a deep goddamn cut, which shows how much Hasan loves Oakland. You know what Jeremy Gong and his shitty friends in Bread and Roses’ favourite Armani Depaul song is?

“Piano Man” by Billy Joel.

Anyway, thanks Maoists, we owe you one.

Image credit: Modern Chinese Literature and Culture Resource Center at the Ohio State University

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#SaveEBDSA: Jeremy Gong Wants You to Rot in Prison

Not For Circulation – Do Not Share*

GongCopLover

On behalf of the Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers:

While covertly many members of the East Bay DSA who support our rightful campaign for Hasan and the Working-Class Unity and Power slate have been contacting us through various channels to encourage us to continue speaking truth to the dictatorial power that is Jeremy Gong, they have also emphasised their real fear. We have had more than one comrade say they are fearful about following our proposal to bring a spatula to the convention in defiance, lest Jeremy Gong call the bourgeois police into the convention and have them locked up on trumped up terror charges.

While this reassures us that if the result of the upcoming April 29th Steering Committee election at the East Bay DSA Convention is not a sound defeat for the forces of reaction manifested in the Bread and Roses clique headed by the scoundrel and revisionist Jeremy Gong, the only reason was that the vote was rigged by these true enemies of the people, it does lead us to delving deeper into the question of Jeremy Gong and the Bread and Roses slate’s relationship to the police.

It is one thing for Jeremy Gong and his cronies to claim that they don’t support the DSA’s “national”** line against police abolition (in defiance of the actual majority will of the DSA local itself) on the flimsy pretext of how “Black people” want more police in their communities (whatever that means, Gongites never enter into a serious discussion about the actual social nature of the bourgeois state). But is this the limit of Jeremy Gong’s defence of the police? Far from it. Jeremy Gong not only does not want to abolish the police, he and his gaggle of Kautskyite wreckers and liars want to strengthen the police specifically so that they might be used to arbitrarily harass the poor and hound socialists! Let’s turn to the evidence:

Members of the LC have used their organizational positions and social capital to dismiss the hard work of rank-and-file EBDSA members engaged in the brake light program. This has included public derision on social media, the denial of access to official East Bay DSA communications, and exclusion of any mention of the brake light program in the local newsletter.

We have made a lot of the brakelight scandal, but perhaps we need to make clear to those, like Jeremy Gong, who have always had a cordial relationship with the bourgeois cops exactly why this initiative was so important. In addition to being a valuable educational moment for new socialists into how socialist politics need not merely be a recreation of bourgeois politics with a picture of Marx in the background, but could be a politics based on real social dynamics in which elections were only an occasional part, it also was a concrete step that could be taken to lessen police harassment barring their actual abolition and other such reforms under capitalist society.

Have you ever been pulled over for a brakelight, Jeremy Gong? Have you ever been afraid that, once pulled over, because of the colour of your skin or your gender presentation you would be subjected to an arbitrary search, or violence of some kind? Have you ever considered how many people experience such moments of fear, or are indeed in some sense violated or attacked by the bourgeois cops given the opportunity presented by such minor infractions, which their poverty prevents them from avoiding? Do you ever think about all the young Black men who have been searched for drugs just because they were Black, and then busted, or saddled with some bullshit charge like obstructing “justice”, while all of your white friends from Berkeley have been puffing away, practically in public, for years?

Of course you think about these things, because you frequently take your friends in the Oakland Police Department up on offers of ride-alongs, where you delight in them pulling over Black, queer, and other oppressed youth, the fear in whose eyes fills you with incomprehensible joy, you monster.

But it is not just that Jeremy Gong wants to stop us from stemming the tide of arbitrary police harassment, arrest, and violence through little legal direct actions such as the brakelight initiative. It is not even that he wants to play cop and prevent an open discussion of such matters in his favourite “democratic” “big tent” so that his unpopular views from above can dominate the popular front which is forming from the heroic masses who are trying to save the East Bay DSA from these crypto-fascist neo-Menshevik wreckers:

Even though the brake light program is extremely popular, it was unnecessarily difficult to bring the project to a vote. Brake light organizers were forced to gather 90 signatures to put the brake light project on an agenda. Given sparse general meetings, and a complete lack of access to official membership contact lists, collecting signatures was and remains needlessly laborious³. When the program was finally brought before membership at a general meeting⁴, it soundly passed. LC members were among the few people who spoke against the program.

No, Jeremy Gong wants every socialist reading this who falls afoul of his beloved bourgeois state apparatus to rot in fucking prison while Nazis walk free.

Please turn to Section 2. Arrests in Berkeley during Anti-Fascist Protests:

In August 2017, in the midst of recurring white supremacist rallies, the Mayor of Berkeley moved to appease moderate liberals and classified masks as “banned weapons.” During a demonstration against one of these rallies, four EBDSA comrades were arrested under this ordinance.

Here is the clearest expression of what ultra-left spectre Jeremy Gong was conjuring when he disingenuously posed his authoritarian cabal as the alternative to both “the useless compromise politics of the liberal center” (meaning anything to Jeremy Gong’s right, which is very little indeed), and “the dead-end wheel-spinning of the activist left”. Jeremy Gong doesn’t want the East Bay DSA to counter the claims on the rest of the US left that the DSA is aloof to real struggle, that it is not on the front lines with the most advanced section of the masses confronting fascism in the streets. In short, Jeremy Gong believes that the problem with the rest of the US left is that they are too much like the anarchists.

But Jeremy Gong is Jeremy wrong. The problem with the US left is not that they are too much like the anarchists. The problem with the US left is they are too much like Jeremy fucking Gong. Self-anointed messiahs of a particular fantasy version of socialism totally detached from real world politics (which does not stop and start at the borders prescribed by the bourgeois state apparatus and its functionaries, you Kautskyite scoundrel). Commandist little kings and queens (but let’s face it, usually kings) of their shitty pseudo-Marxist kingdoms, reading neither Hegel nor Lenin but Jacobin and the LA Times alone, and giving their “analysis” in vulgar reaction to these idealist tomes and only engaging in a material relationship with the masses on the basis of recruitment and patronisingly talking down to the poor and oppressed, the supposed subjects of socialist revolution (as if Jeremy Gong would ever utter “the r-word” in such a sentence). He is like Bob Avakian, but instead of meeting with guerrillas from Nepal and winning you over with his connections to the Black Panthers and thinking the masses are stupid because they don’t just MAKE A REVOLUTION ALREADY, he meets with other Jacobin-reading reformists who think the masses are stupid because they don’t just VOTE FOR US ALREADY.

You make us sick, Jeremy Gong. You make everyone sick. All of your friends are viewed as nothing but self-important little social democratic Brezhnevs limiting the sovereignty of anyone you deem insufficiently “serious” and “respectable”.

“Calm down, Worker’s Spatula!” we hear our well-intentioned friends pleading. “Obviously everyone dislikes Jeremy Gong, but you don’t have to destroy him like this! We may need him for future solidarity! Socialists have to stick together!”

Surely in the abstract you are right, hypothetical moderately-critical East Bay DSA comrade. In the abstract. But concretely, what solidarity can we expect from “comrades” like these:

One DSA comrade was even charged with a felony. An East Bay member requested that this comrade’s court date be shared through EBDSA official communication channels, such as email, in order to amass critical court support. No such call was issued; no official arrangements were made to organize support for these jailed comrades.⁶

Actions taken by the San Francisco DSA (SFDSA) stand in stark contrast. SFDSA used their channels of communication to coordinate jail support and raise bail money. SFDSA made dozens of phone calls, organized legal support and tracked arrested comrades as they were moved through the criminal justice system. They waited outside the jail with food and transport ready until the early hours of the morning, when our EBDSA comrades were finally released. SFDSA made sure all 12 arrested protesters had a ride home, DSA members and non-members alike.

Specifics of the arrests aside, we are again confronted with numerous questions about the chapter’s priorities. Why is it that East Bay DSA comrades were made to rely on a neighboring chapter, which has fewer members, to organize a response to politically motivated arrests? How can our chapter maintain a position against police repression without practicing a basic and straightforward function such as court support? Is this example a problem of the will, a problem of structure, or both?

Oh no, dear readers. We can tell you exactly what the problem is. The problem is that not only does Jeremy Gong not want you to get out of jail, or for your arrest or trial or doxxing to be protested (although he’ll scream to the high heavens about a “climate of hostile surveillance” when he’s “doxxed” because he sends out his files that he later decides are embarrassing), but we would not be in the least surprised if Jeremy Gong was on the phone with the Berkeley Police Department shortly after the arrest, giving them information and assuring them that such “anarchist scum” would not be allowed to decide the future of the East Bay DSA, loyal servant of the Democratic Party and capital.

They should’ve stuck to “pursuing ordinary political goals” instead of taking on the ridiculously far-left goal of… let’s just check the notes here… ah yes, protesting Nazis.

“Demonstrations”, of course were one of the things Jeremy Gong listed as representing the sort of “mass action” reflecting the “style of politics” he so “enthusiastically affirms” in the Bread and Roses slate analysis document. But what are we to demonstrate against if not Nazis? The masses eagerly await marching orders on who they are allowed to protest from the one true interpreter of “mass action” and “highly visible and massively popular independent socialist activity”, Jeremy Gong.

As for us, our message is clear: Fuck cops. Fuck Nazis. Fuck Jeremy Gong.

–Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers (MORE COMMUNICATIONS TO FOLLOW)

Image credit: @WhatBigTeeth, note that we are not critical of the cishet man-dominant implications of this meme in this context as we are under most circumstances, as it perfectly captures Jeremy Gong and cop-lovers everywhere.

*Credit for this joke certainly belongs to @NireBryce, who will presumably be livetweeting the convention. If they do not, or if there is some interruption, you all know who is to blame: Jeremy Gong.

**See the footnote in our previous piece.

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Bigfoot Found Fighting People’s War

Bigfoot

It has long been suggested elsewhere that Bigfoot might be a communist. But only Worker’s Spatula are bold enough to travel deep into the North American wilderness to uncover the truth about exactly what kind of communist Bigfoot is!

After spending several hours marching through Yosemite National Park, guided only by the materialist dialectic of history which flows through each of us thanks to our extremely firm grasp on anti-revisionism, Worker’s Spatula correspondents stumbled upon the mysterious being known only as Bigfoot. They succeeded where so many other amateur cryptozoologists have failed by using a form of the dialectical method so advanced that we dare not reprint it, lest the anarchists find out about it.

When asked by the mesmerised correspondents if he was an ape, a form of relic hominoid, one of the biblical Nephilim, a being of pure consciousness, or a manifestation of some deeper phenomenon which is also responsible for Poltergeist hauntings and UFO sightings, Bigfoot replied that he is simply… a Maoist.

Bigfoot explained that he has spent decades in the wilds of North America attempting to build a Revolutionary Base Area for a glorious people’s war, following techniques learned from a copy of the Little Red Book acquired during his years at university, where he majored in Chemistry, with a minor in German Studies. After reading the tome, Bigfoot became dedicated to Mao Zedong Thought, and later the RIM and its ideology of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism, embracing the strategy of Protracted People’s War.

When questioned by our correspondents on why he had secluded himself from the masses in such a way, instead of trying to build an anti-revisionist party to serve the people, Bigfoot pointed to the FBI infiltration of Maoist groups during the 70s and 80s in the United States, and stated that his long term strategy for turning Yosemite National Park into a Revolutionary Base Area was the best way to avoid infiltration and wrecking from the pig state.

Bigfoot then climbed on the back of a waiting elk, and gave a Red Salute to the awe-filled Spatula correspondents. One asked if he could take a photo with Bigfoot to mark the historic occasion, but the mysterious beast simply turned and rode away, humming Feda Olsun Canımız Halk Savaşına, but not before agreeing to send regular reports to the Spatula on the progress of his revolutionary struggle.

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Ultraleftist to Abolish Time

TimeIsTooExpensive

MELBOURNE – Victoria University philosophy student and Auckland transplant Norm Thompson continues his quest to develop revolutionary science to still greater heights:

“As we all know,” began Thompson, speaking to the “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism Reading Group” at VU, “the one problem with the heroic Khmer Rouge, which abolished money, is that the money itself is not the source of exploitation and surplus value. Class goes deeper than that.”

The assembled Aussie reds all nodded in solemn agreement.

“Money is just a particular manifestation of the universal problem of class society: that those who have exploit those who have not. The rich lead lives which they determine for themselves, while stealing the lives of the poor masses, hour by hour.

“The solution, comrades, is obvious: we must abolish time itself.”

The ensuing eruption of violence claimed the lives of several Maoist university students. Thompson and his supporters within the reading group fled into the hallway, firing backwards at the RIM faithful who defended themselves with a hail of gunfire of their own: “ULTRALEFTS OUT! THE RED SUN OF MARXISM-LENINISM-MAOISM WILL NEVER SET!” screamed Fatima Yusufi as she blasted at the fleeing Pol Potists from behind the table she had knocked over.

Under a tree outside, Thompson continued lecturing to his two supporters, who kept one eye on the door behind them, hands on their weapons, in case the Maoists pursued them to continue armed polemics: “Of course, we cannot abolish time without abolishing the conditions which allow time to continue to exist and be divided unevenly between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat.”

“And what, Chairman Norm, are those conditions?” enquired one of Thompson’s supporters, as he reloaded his weapon from behind the tree while the other kept his weapon trained on the front door.

“I subscribe to the ‘growing block universe’ theory of time. The process of becoming that spacetime undergoes is itself the dialectic of history. In my view, this is why the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is bourgeois: it understands a need to abolish that which actually exists by destroying humanity. But class struggle will continue on other planets, despite what the Posadists claim.

“The only way to properly reach the end of history is to actually end history and time altogether. The conditions by which time and therefore exploitation is allowed to exist is the objective material existence of the universe. Destroy the universe, destroy time, end exploitation, full nihilist communism.”

The next morning, startled students awoke to find the walls of Victoria Place absolutely covered in graffiti demanding the immediate end of time.

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Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism

Trotskyism

Point: You’re a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question China’s socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to ‘read my Marx’! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and you’re a fucking Trot!

We’ve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I can’t believe I’m wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, you’re a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly it’s YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You aren’t struggling against fascism, you aren’t fighting in Dêsım, and Trotsky didn’t do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, don’t you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher level of truth and unity. But for too long have we argued about who are the real Trots in our midst. We too have wasted precious hours attacking the DKP, but the real question is this: if Trotsky were alive today, which party would he support?

In their pseudo-radical posturing, in their empty anti-austerity politics that fail to confront the imperialist state which imposes the austerity, we all know who the real Trots are: Die Linke. Die Linke are the only Trots in our midst today.

So make haste comrades, tomorrow is for the debate, today is for the ice axes! Ice axes for Die Linke!

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Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

News in Brief: February 1st 2017

Bidhya Devi Bhandari

KATHMANDU – A new Nepali constitution was introduced this week, which accidentally included the abolition of the institution of marriage: “I honestly cannot tell you how this happened,” said President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, when reached for comment by our Malaysian correspondent. “We’ve all been so distracted by foreign policy that I couldn’t even tell you where this latest proposal for rewriting the constitution originated. Maybe I did it? Maybe the Maoists? Somebody’s got to answer for this.”

Prime Minister Pushpa Kamal Dahal, better known as “Prachaveli”, strongly repudiated the claim in a televised interview conducted from his mansion: “I remember when the proposal first came up in parliament. It was the Trotskyites who proposed a new constitution. It’s always the Trotskyites, with their wrecking.

“I’m personally furious. What Maoist could oppose marriage, an institution in which our Chairprophet was an enthusiastic participant?”

İZMİR – Local DHKP-C cadres had a bit too much to drink last night, and announced themselves loudly as members to the police at the İZBAN, who proceeded to beat them silly, much to the horror of lookers-on.

Foreign sympathisers of the gun-wielding equivalent of the ÖDP are expected to get extremely drunk and provoke local police in solidarity. Haklılar, kazanacaklar.