Revolutionaries Condemn Entire Serbian Working Class as NATO Pawns

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BELGRADE – As part of Worker’s Spatula’s long-standing project of surveying the state of dialectical thought in the Balkans – and heavily confused by the mysterious disappearance of our dearest comrades from Partija Rada from the very face of the earth – we turn our attention towards the bulwark of Marxism-Leninism that is Serbia’s NKPJ.

After a short correspondence with the NKPJ Central Committee and the suggestion that we should contact their youth wing, the unpretentiously named SKOJ, for “matters related to computers and the internet”, our official ex-Yugo correspondent has managed to arrange an official meeting with SKOJ’s secretariat in their party headquarters.

After dutifully saluting the first human face he saw upon entering the office – a life-size portrait of Comrade Stalin – and spontaneously bursting into a tearful rendition of Oshanin’s “Thank you, Great Leader”, our correspondent was greeted by a pleasant old man suspiciously resembling Felix Dzerzhinsky and escorted into a room occupied by seven dour-faced yet steely-eyed youths, who promptly introduced themselves as the seven secretaries of SKOJ.

After a round of proper comradely greetings and a customary shot of rakija, the seven secretaries started to explain the grim state of class struggle in Serbia:

“Of course, we are worried about the increasingly repressive nature of the bourgeois state apparatus under Vučić,” said First Secretary Aleksandar Đenić. “But what worries are even more is what appears to be complete NATO control over all opposition forces.”

“It appears we are facing a prelude to a repeat of the counter-revolution of October 5th, 2000,” continued the increasingly agitated First Secretary. “We, as communists and anti-imperialists, cannot allow this to happen.”

Our correspondent furiously scribbled notes as he asked: “But what would NATO gain from this, isn’t Vučić already a firmly pro-Western neoliberal?”

“It’s all part of a global trend, like in Brazil, or Syria, or Libya,” explained Đenić, listing several countries with very similar relationships to US imperialism as compared to Serbia. “The Americans seem to simply have an insatiable appetite for destruction.”

At that moment, Milan Petković, his young and energetic comrade, quickly chimed in: “There is this anti-government movement in the streets, and they use a big yellow duck as a symbol. The same duck was used in Brazil as a mascot of the American-sponsored coup movement. It may be that the Belgrade duck predates the Brazilian duck it copies, but this is only evidence of the deep entrenchment of NATO in the Serbian opposition. Let’s not even mention the fag parades and all other forms of NATO-sponsored bourgeois imperialist capitalist liberal degeneracy designed to weaken the Serbian national moral character.”

“Anarchists, Trotskyites, and other liberals accuse us of sponsoring right-wing, fascist initiatives against the ‘yellow duck’. But I’m sure that, as a fellow Marxist-Leninist, you agree that popular alliances with sections of the national bourgeoisie are entirely acceptable when carried out in a proper anti-imperialist fashion,” Petković continued, his voice quaking with righteous anger.

First Secretary Đenić raised his finger, as if to calm his younger comrade: “Actually, we have developed a thesis which posits that any form of anti-government resistance at this point objectively serves the interests of American imperialism, and so we advise the working class to cease all forms of resistance until American imperialism stops being an objective threat. Otherwise they will be held complicit as conscious participants in NATO schemes against the Serbian people, and will have justified the use of all forms of state violence that the Serbian nation has ever deemed fit to use against its enemies.”

At this juncture, our correspondent thanked the seven secretaries for an enlightening interview. It might have just been the rakija, but as he was heading out the lobby he was certain that he saw the fatherly visage of Comrade Stalin speckled with tears.

News in Brief: October 21st 2015

FlagandLenin

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – A group of Marxist Turkish students in Cambridge has welcomed its newest member, one Selim Karlıdağ, a high school friend of one of the other students. The post-doctoral student Karlıdağ, being of bourgeois family background and having completed his PhD studies in England, made a grievous faux pas the first day by saying something non-hostile about Leon Trotsky. At present, all of his statements are being rigorously analysed for signs that he might be a Trotskyist, in case deprogramming measures need to be employed.

PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO – Local sympathisers of ICOR affiliate Partija Rada attended a protest organised by Demokratski front, a right-wing party which advocates union with Serbia. On the one hand, their total opposition to the Montenegrin government prevented them from staging a counter-protest, but on the other, their unequivocal Marxist-Leninist stance prevented them from joining the protest per se. It was therefore decided that they would attend under the slogan “Neither NATO nor Belgrade, but socialism in Montenegro!” and engage in public self-flagellation.

MOUNT KUMGANG, THE ONE TRUE KOREA – Korean families physically divided for decades came together for tearful reunions at the mountain resort of Mount Kumgang this week, only to tragically find themselves divided on ideological lines as the Koreans from the north found that their southern relatives had been reading up on communist ideology prior to the visit, and had become Hoxhaites. South Korean citizen Park Areum spent approximately an hour trying to convince her long-lost cousin Park Chol Kun of the “revisionist” quality of Juche ideology, and the need to return to “correct, principled Marxist-Leninist positions,” to no avail. Future reunion meetings have been postponed until such a time as a communist party can be formed in South Korea which may send delegates to the north to bridge the theoretical gap.

TEL AVIV – Israeli Prime Minister and unconvicted mass murderer Benjamin Netanyahu decided to cover all his bases in his efforts to demonise the Palestinians and stated that every single one of Stalin’s policies were actually fed to him by the true leader of the Soviet Union: Palestinian Grand Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini. Said Netanyahu: “If you look at Palestine before the Jews arrived, it was basically the Soviet Union. Rapid industrialisation, the slogan of socialism in one country, the plan to establish the DDR, these were all the Grand Mufti’s ideas long before Stalin got them.”

BIRMINGHAM – Last night, Birmingham City University students and CPGB-ML members Lennox Harris and Catherine Campbell engaged in sexual congress in the latter’s dormitory room. As Harris began to worry about climaxing too quickly, he distracted himself by thinking about dialectics, only to be foiled when he remembered that quantitative change leads to qualitative change.