Trots Secretly Reading Worker’s Spatula

Secret

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following over a year of publicly referring to Worker’s Spatula as “the worst”, “diet Assadism”, “tankie nonsense”, and “Stalinist idiocy”, several “in the know” sources have confirmed that the Trotskyists secretly can’t stop reading Worker’s Spatula.

“The other night I woke up and realised I was in bed alone,” one source told us, in lurid detail: “I went into the living room and saw my partner was awake and staring intently at his laptop screen. He slammed it shut when he saw me, so of course I assumed it was pornography.

“While he was in the bathroom, I entered his password, which I guessed was the same as his e-mail password: P3rm4n3nt. He hadn’t even had time to close the incognito window, which was full of Worker’s Spatula tabs. I had to close the lid before he came out, so I couldn’t tell you what the pieces were, but at least one of them was about Žižek.”

Local Austin Socialist Alternative cadre have likewise been spotted checking the Worker’s Spatula reading list since the start of 2017. Mere hours after the latest reading list assignment was posted, suddenly all the younger cadre were reportedly discussing the importance of Hegel’s stance on the French Revolution, having previously been unconcerned with Hegel or the French Revolution.

One ISO affiliate met with us on condition of anonymity. We can reveal that she had with her a Barnes & Noble bag which contained the Foundations of Leninism.

“You’re not the sort of Stalinists I expect, I’ll give you that. Sometimes you make fairly good points and force me to rethink some of my positions, instead of just appealing to a caricatured anti-imperialism combined with an overly defensive posture about so-called ‘socialist states’. I am a little concerned that you keep joking about murdering Trots, but that is just a joke, right?”

Our ISO source ascribed the lack of reports of SEP and Solidarity affiliated Trotskyists reading the Spatula to Solidarity having “no sense of humour about themselves” and the SEP having “no sense of humour at all”.

A similar investigation was planned to determine the extent to which the “China is still socialist” crowd read the Spatula, but it was called off upon being unable to find any representatives who could confirm reading anything longer than 140 characters.

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Ajamu Baraka: “Land and Freedom NOW!”

Ajamu Baraka

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI – While Jill Stein’s guerrilla campaign among the Amish people continues to gather steam, she has chosen a new comrade-in-arms, already deeply engaged in struggle in the so-called “Black Belt”, or “New Afrika”: Ajamu Baraka.

“Land and freedom NOW!” screamed Ajamu Baraka to a cheering crowd of supporters in Jackson, Mississippi, who were waving portraits of Chokwe Lumumba and red, black, and green flags. “Afrikans in this country need to stand up and embrace a real revolution: A national democratic revolution for our people on our land, which we worked as slaves and on which we are still third-class citizens!”

The Black radical’s fiery rhetoric did not spare the feelings of white reformist figures from across the mainstream US political spectrum: “Hillary Clinton’s not going to protect you from fascists like Trump, and neither would Bernie Sanders. They’re all loyal servants of imperialism, and our people have got to stand up for ourselves, liberate ourselves, by any means necessary.”

In spite of his closeness to Jill Stein, he emphasised the need to avoid any illusions about the nature of the system against which the Afro-American people are fighting: “It doesn’t really matter to us who the president is, this system is our enemy, and we’ve got to defeat it. Even if Comrade Jill Stein wins, she won’t be able to change the status quo for our people unless we get organised! We’ve got to recognise Yankee imperialism for what it is: A parasitic enemy of oppressed peoples, including us. This country is built on top of our sweat and labour, our blood and tears! And we’re going to liberate it with our blood and sweat, and really free ourselves, once and for all! Now are you with me?”

Reaction to the speech from the crowd was enthusiastic, but the reactions from the broader US Left, including Afro-American radicals, were mixed:

“Ajamu Baraka is a bourgeois nationalist, no matter what he says,” claimed known Hoxhaite and vocal defender of the DPRK (“in spite of its clear revisionism”) Beyoncé Knowles, between songs at her sold-out concert last night: “Black people do need to question the very core of this system, but the road to ‘Black liberation’ is socialist revolution itself. The police are bourgeois police, the KKK were funded by the big bourgeoisie. This entire country is an imperialist centre with the power to hold Black people down because of capitalism: Racism itself is a product of capitalist attempts to divide the workers.”

“Slay, queen!” yelled APL National Spokesperson Alfonso Casal from the side of the stage, waving a Marx-Engels-Lenin-Stalin flag, as pounding electronic drums announced the start of the next song, to which he enthusiastically bounced, singing along to every word.

“That is completely backward,” responded Ray Light of the Revolutionary Organization of Labor at a secret press conference attended predominantly by ICOR-affiliated foreigners. “Most of the facts are correct, but the Afro-American right to liberation is not dependent on a time table of socialist struggle by the proletariat of the oppressor nation. On the contrary, Afro-American national liberation will deal a powerful blow to imperialism, strengthening the hand of the oppressor nation proletariat.”

Following the delivery of this incisive analysis, he threw a smoke bomb into the crowd and disappeared into the night.

Kshama Sawant of Socialist Alternative, stated that “Jill Stein, even without Ajamu Baraka, is herself doing the job of dividing the working class that so resolutely united behind Bernie Sanders during his campaign. The real answer is Kshama Sawant.”

“Kshama Sawant, Kshama Sawant, Kshama Sawant,” she concluded.

Cornel West, friendly uncle of the US Left, stated that he had not “been paying much attention to what he said particularly, I’m just glad that after that awful Bernie Sanders business, me and Brother Ajamu can be friends again.”

FRSO Unites with Socialist Alternative

PRFML

CHICAGO – In a monumental blow to the sectarianism which plagues the left in general and the US left in particular, the FRSO (the Belgian one, not the hipster one) and Socialist Alternative have announced the conclusion of their unity talks. As of now, the two organisations have united under the common banner of the Permanent Revolution Front (Marxist-Leninist).

The new organisation intends to participate both in the International Communist Seminar and the Committee for a Workers’ International, as a symbol of uniting the international communist movement against Stalinist degeneracy, and also in defence of actually existing socialism, if only socialism had ever actually existed.

The new organisation’s points of unity include:

-Support for the social democrat Bernie Sanders against his own degenerate line of support for Clinton and the Democratic Party

-Critical support of Afro-Americans getting angry at the police

-Approval of the colour red

The new organisation could not agree whether to end the statement with “workers of the world, unite” or “workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite”, and thus compromised with “peoples of the work, unite”.

The organisation is expected to split a few hours after press time.

Do-Nothing Marxist-Leninist Party Reads Worker’s Spatula

RCPC

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication the world over, enjoys popularity unparallelled by any newspaper, website, or newsletter on the Marxist left. From small protests in New York to massive riots in Şırnak to the front of the people’s war in India, Worker’s Spatula is the name that is on every revolutionary’s lips.

So popular is Worker’s Spatula that some parties have even begun to incorporate insights gleaned from the paper into their theoretical study. One such example is the Revolutionary Communist Party of Cascadia, which has added the entirety of Worker’s Spatula’s output to their required reading for members.

“What we enjoy most about Worker’s Spatula is that not only do they share our correct analysis of international politics, but they make fun of all the parties around us who are actually doing shit,” explained ‘Comrade Lucy’, who agreed to be interviewed by us as she changed the RCPC’s Facebook page cover photo from a photo of Mao to one of Pol Pot. “Socialist Alternative, RCPUSA, and some foreign parties we pretend to know shit about, it’s good to see all these parties with some vague connection to everyday politics in their social context lampooned. Frankly, it’s all I read anymore.”

Her Comrade, Dawn ‘Red Dawn’ Wilson, agreed: “Worker’s Spatula gets it, everyone on the left today is basically liberal, and nobody spends enough time defending Stalin, Che, Mao, Jiang Qing, Enver Hoxha, Thomas Sankara, Ho Chi Min, Pol Pot, and North Korea. Defending these dead leaders is much more important than having actual praxis, because any praxis not built upon a solid foundation in anti-revisionism is doomed to failure.”

“Uphold the correct line.”

As the two sat in their party headquarters (the corner table of the cafeteria at Seattle University), exchanging hilarious anti-revisionist memes, we enquired if we could speak to other members of the party.

“Oh for sure,” said ‘Comrade Lucy’. “Our street team, which is to say, Comrade Steve, is usually at the food cart on the corner, handing out our pamphlet, Cascadian Partisan.”

‘Comrade Steve’ was happy to see us, and handed us a copy of Cascadian Partisan, which did indeed contain a quote from a Worker’s Spatula article lampooning Socialist Alternative.

“We hate Socialist Alternative, they’re such opportunists and reformists,” explained ‘Comrade Steve’, as he flicked his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped back on the curb to discuss the finer points of theory, and also to order a plate of halal street meat. “They don’t even uphold the right to self-determination for the Cascadian nation.”

“Cascadia is a nation on the grounds that we think it’d be pretty cool if we seceded from the US. We’d have like, a red base right here in North America. We’d be able to dismantle capitalism by building agrarian communes and shit, like in Cambodia. We’d call it ‘the People’s Democratic Republic of Cascadia’, and our flag would be a black hammer/sickle/Kalashnikov symbol on a red background. Pretty sick, right?”

“You guys should do something about that. Like a piece where you call Socialist Alternative COINTELPRO agents because they’re not helping to raise national consciousness among the Cascadian people.”

“If Socialist Alternative was really serious about revolution, Kshama Sawant would help fight to change the gun laws in Washington so that people 18 and older could purchase a rifle. I’ve saved up, but I’m still waiting until I turn 21.”

“Fuckin’ Trotskyites. They’re good for nothing,” he concluded.

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

TrotHotSpot
LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”

Socialist Alternative Offers Critical Support to “the Poor”

Socialist_Alternative_(US)_LogoNEW YORK CITY – In a statement released today, Socialist Alternative, the US section of Committee for a Worker’s International, announced their “critical support” for “the poor”.

“Socialist Alternative welcomes the news that the poor do in fact exist, and recognizes their potential for contributing to a mass movement for worker’s power.” the Trotskyist party announced.

Referring to tens of millions of Americans, the statement continued, “It may be possible to incorporate some of the poor’s demands and grievances into our campaign. However, the poor’s unfortunate tendencies towards ultra-left or adventurist methods on the one hand, and reformist methods on the other, are causing problems for us in working with them.”

The final paragraph of the statement comprised only the words “Kshama Sawant.”

The poor have yet to issue a response.