Trots Secretly Reading Worker’s Spatula

Secret

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following over a year of publicly referring to Worker’s Spatula as “the worst”, “diet Assadism”, “tankie nonsense”, and “Stalinist idiocy”, several “in the know” sources have confirmed that the Trotskyists secretly can’t stop reading Worker’s Spatula.

“The other night I woke up and realised I was in bed alone,” one source told us, in lurid detail: “I went into the living room and saw my partner was awake and staring intently at his laptop screen. He slammed it shut when he saw me, so of course I assumed it was pornography.

“While he was in the bathroom, I entered his password, which I guessed was the same as his e-mail password: P3rm4n3nt. He hadn’t even had time to close the incognito window, which was full of Worker’s Spatula tabs. I had to close the lid before he came out, so I couldn’t tell you what the pieces were, but at least one of them was about Žižek.”

Local Austin Socialist Alternative cadre have likewise been spotted checking the Worker’s Spatula reading list since the start of 2017. Mere hours after the latest reading list assignment was posted, suddenly all the younger cadre were reportedly discussing the importance of Hegel’s stance on the French Revolution, having previously been unconcerned with Hegel or the French Revolution.

One ISO affiliate met with us on condition of anonymity. We can reveal that she had with her a Barnes & Noble bag which contained the Foundations of Leninism.

“You’re not the sort of Stalinists I expect, I’ll give you that. Sometimes you make fairly good points and force me to rethink some of my positions, instead of just appealing to a caricatured anti-imperialism combined with an overly defensive posture about so-called ‘socialist states’. I am a little concerned that you keep joking about murdering Trots, but that is just a joke, right?”

Our ISO source ascribed the lack of reports of SEP and Solidarity affiliated Trotskyists reading the Spatula to Solidarity having “no sense of humour about themselves” and the SEP having “no sense of humour at all”.

A similar investigation was planned to determine the extent to which the “China is still socialist” crowd read the Spatula, but it was called off upon being unable to find any representatives who could confirm reading anything longer than 140 characters.

Prospects for the Ongoing Syrian Revolution

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Following the recapture of Aleppo by loyalist forces, the whole world’s attention has again turned to the future of Syria and its Arab majority. Worker’s Spatula, anxious to understand the revolutionary prospects for our Arab brothers and sisters, immediately sought out analysis from the world centre of leftist solidarity with “the Syrian Revolution”.

Naturally, this was not Beirut, Gaza City, Bethlehem, Istanbul, or Athens.

One of our New York correspondents sat down with two young and glamorous local Trotskyists in a posh café near NYU in Manhattan to chat about the horrors of war and the plight of the Arab people in Syria in a relaxed atmosphere to the magnificent taste of overpriced but frankly delicious coffee.

WS: So, you’re Trots?

A: Well… we hate Stalin.

WS: Do tell.

B: We think Trotsky was better than Stalin, but we support the thesis that after Stalin seized power, the Soviet Union became a capitalist state potentially worse than western capitalism, because Stalin.

WS: Uh-huh. And you guys support the Syrian Revolution?

A: Absolutely.

B: Mos’ def.

WS: Cool. What exactly are the main dynamics of the revolution at this point, and who are its main forces?

A: …

B: …

A: …well, you know, the Syrian people and shit.

B: Yeah, you know, all the forces opposed to the murderous Assad regime and the foreign stooges supporting it, like Hizbullah, Iran and of course Russia.

WS: So you’re saying al-Nusra, ISIS and other murderous takfiri groups are carrying out a national democratic revolution on behalf of “the Syrian people”?

A: No, no, not ISIS!

B: We’re not Sparts!

WS: So, what about al-Nusra?

B: They changed their name. I wasn’t sure if they were part of the revolution before, but now, since they changed their name, I guess they are.

WS: Okay. In other words, you consider takfiri groups who brutally slaughter anyone not sharing their ultra-specific brand of Sunnism to be a revolutionary force in Syria, that’s good to know.

A: Man, come on. They’re not revolutionary when they’re cutting children’s throats. We’d never claim that. They’re only revolutionary when they are fighting against the murderous Assad regime, because it kills children.

WS: Oh, I see. Well, that’s a relief.

B: Well, also, I don’t think they’re “revolutionary” per se…

WS: Do you mean objectively or subjectively?

A: Don’t answer that, it’s a Stalinist trick.

B: Look, there was a revolution against Assad a few years ago, and we have to defend that revolution, to which Assad’s continued personal existence is the main obstacle. There are some folks left who are genuinely good, but they have no influence. But all of this is Assad’s fault; get rid of Assad, and the national democratic revolution will return.

WS: Just like in Iraq.

B: No!

A: Yes!

WS: Right, so, just to summarise the main points here, you would argue that there was:
1) a revolution against Assad that had to be supported; but there is
2) no such revolutionary dynamic at present. Yet,
3) you still support anyone against Assad, because of said revolution.

In other words, as you supported the Red Army under Trotsky’s leadership, yet claim that there was no longer a revolution with Stalin’s rise to power – you would still support Stalin from 1928 onwards, because there was some revolution you do support to which Stalin could connect himself, have I got all that right?

A: What kind of tankie are you? I thought you said Assad was Stalin?

WS: What?

B: I’ll go get some more coffee…

Max Blumenthal a Sellout for Writing for Alternet

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NEW YORK – Representatives of the ISO, Solidarity, and other very important and politically serious Trotskyist trends in the US came together today to collectively condemn right-wing careerist and imperialist warmonger Max Blumenthal in Union Square.

“Max Blumenthal is in the service of dictators!” began Elaine Johanson of the ISO. “He’s lining his pockets with Syrian regime money while the people of Syria suffer! We call for the democratically elected government of Iraq to be extended to Damascus, and for Max Blumenthal to be publicly hanged for war crimes! Vote Clinton.”

Next up to speak was Paul Winthrop, of Solidarity: “Oppressed people all over the world will hear the deafening silence of the Stalinists today! Oh sure, they’re out there for Black people when they die, and for Palestinians when Israel is bombing them, but Black people and Palestinians can see through the lies, because they can see the Stalinists refuse to condemn the real threat to the wretched of the earth: Max Blumenthal.

“We go further than all the others: We call for regime change EVERYWHERE, whether in Pyongyang, Damascus, or Max Blumenthal’s office!”

While other speakers continued ranting and raving about the fascist menace presented by Blumenthal, John Green of the SWP (which is like the AWL in the UK, not SWP in the UK), agreed to speak with our New York correspondent:

“The utter hypocrisy of Blumenthal’s piece in Alternet… What a fascist sellout move… So first of all, to accuse the US of wanting regime change in Syria, it ignores the question of how much Russia wants regime change in Syria. Bet he didn’t think of that, did he? Well he did, but then he stuffed his face with a big money salad. Like a big… Russian salad. Made out of money. And lies.

“Secondly, he’s Jewish. Blumenthal is a Jew. And any self-respecting Jew should know better than to stand against the democratic and progressive forces in Syria. You know which ones I mean. And WHY does he stand against them? Because they get arms from the US? My grandfather fought against the Nazis, with weapons supplied by Stalin, another Nazi imperialist leader, maybe worse than the US. Was he wrong too? Would Blumenthal write a piece condemning my grandfather?

“Max Blumenthal denies the Holocaust.”

Updates on Blumenthal’s continued assaults on ethically and intellectually serious discourse will be provided as they happen.

United Federation of Planets under Fire for “Social Imperialism”

ComradePicard

WHEREVER STAR TREK TAKES PLACE, SPACE OR WHATEVER, YOU GODDAMN NERDS – Despite claims made by the Federation to have abolished money, several former RIM affiliates have condemned the United Federation of Planets for operating in accordance with “capitalist logic” and having succumbed to the pressures of “space revisionism (the final revisionist frontier)”.

“The use of credits shows that contrary to the Federation’s claims of having advanced beyond socialism into full space communism, there is still some capacity for a descent into revisionism,” said a spokesman for the Communist (Maoist) Party of Afghanistan.

“Indeed,” concurred Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr’s spokesman. “It is our contention that old capitalist habits and relations have been sublated in the newly socialist Federation, but that lack of attention to this fact has allowed capitalist logic to reassert itself through the corrupt Federation bureaucracy. Combined with the Federation’s impressive military force, we are unfortunately beginning to see increasing violations of the Prime Directive, one of the first signs of social imperialism.”

When asked what they proposed as a solution for the dire picture they painted, the spokeswoman for the Communist Party of India (Maoist) prescribed “cultural revolution, by the bucketful. Just keep smashing old things until everything becomes new and good,” causing the other spokespeople to nod their heads in somber agreement.

While the intergalactic Trotskyist movement universally agreed that “degeneracy” was “inevitable” without Trotsky at the head of the Federation Council, they were divided on whether to critically support the Federation as a “degenerated workers’ space-althing” (per the Spartacist League) or whether to claim the Federation, like all practical efforts by anti-capitalists, was “worse than capitalism, which we wouldn’t want to be too hard on” (per Solidarity).

At press time, anarchists were still diving in dumpsters, even though we have fucking replicators now.

COINTELPRO Releases Statement

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WASHINGTON D.C. – The clandestine organisation known as COINTELPRO released a statement yesterday, explaining its actions were necessary components of revolutionary struggle in the United States, meant to eliminate ultra-left forces which sought to divide the working class and misinform them about Marxism.

“Many have accused us of brutality against progressive forces in the United States. But let’s ask ourselves honestly: How progressive were these forces? The Black Panthers? Why, Hal Draper, the greatest American Marxist, said it best, when he attacked Stalinist Black nationalism as ‘Jim Crow in reverse’.”

“We wouldn’t want a bunch of Stalinist tankies running around, bringing back Jim Crow, but in reverse, now would we?”

“The Young Lords, American Indian Movement, Puerto Ricans, just in general… All the groups we targeted were trying to divide the working class on ‘racial’ lines, so who can take seriously the claim that we’re the rightists? We were destroying all the right-wing forces using left deviationism as a means of sowing confusion among socialists across the United States, and we spared all the real revolutionary forces, like our dear Trotskyist comrades, who you’ll note we didn’t kill even one of. You’re welcome, real revolutionaries!”

The statement also confirmed the allegations that COINTELPRO did cooperate with the US government in pursuit of its aims, “an idea we got from the book ‘the Spook Who Sat by the Door’.” This was “justified based on the objective conditions, unlike cooperation with any of the US’s enemies, like the Soviet Union, China, or Russia today.”

“Even if we made mistakes, at least we aren’t totalitarians or tankies. Everything we did, we did for socialism in the United States. Long live Marxism-Ebertism!”

Responses from the non-“tankie” components of the US left were largely positive:

“It’s good enough for me,” stated CPUSA chair John Bachtell. “I believe that COINTELPRO is a genuine and revolutionary part of the US left. As we all know, anyone who says anything in a vaguely left language who condemns the violence of the US’s enemies is justified no matter what. This has always been my position, and as long as I’m in charge, it will always be the CPUSA’s position as well.”

“While we don’t believe COINTELPRO’s claims of being socialist revolutionaries, they certainly have a point that everyone they fought domestically was either Stalinist by our very broad definition or in cahoots with Stalinists abroad.” stated a representative of Solidarity when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula. “So we like their ideas, and we would be willing to work with them in the future.”

The ISO concurred: “Obviously, we are the only real socialists in the United States in the first place. But it’s true that if COINTELPRO’s earlier methods were used in the US today, there would be far less people sabotaging our work with the revolutionary Nusra Front to liberate Syria for inevitable socialist revolution. So you know… If they want to Fred Hampton a few of these Stalinists…”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA, released a statement in response to COINTELPRO’s statement and other statements released in response to COINTELPRO’s released statement, stating: “Nothing surprises us anymore. I hope our friends in ICOR understand now why it’s so hard getting revolutionary work done in the United States.”

News in Brief: October 1st 2015

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DAMASCUS – The “Free Syrian Army” is still a powerful, unified, independent, secular, democratic revolutionary institution that all Marxists should support, “or else they are agents of Putin”, stated a press release by People’s Liberation Faction, a three-person Trotskyist sect embedded deep within the fighting whose only contact with the outside world appears to be Swiss blogger Joseph Daher. “The Kurds need to stop acting like the Arab forces on the ground are divided between Assad and jihadists, because that’s not fair to all the progressive forces who are going to crush the Nusra Front any day now, just watch.”

CHICAGO – A fierce fight has broken out in a “revolutionary” undergraduate student union about whether or not “we need dialectics”. A well-informed English major insisted it was “mysticism” and that there was “no point” in reading Hegel or Engels on dialectics, as if they themselves had ever attempted to do so.

LONDON – The CPGB-ML continues to insist it is truly revolutionary and the proletariat should not be fooled by Jeremy Corbyn, in spite of the fact that there is no difference between the minimal programmes of Harpal Brar and Jeremy Corbyn. “But we look scarier!” explained a Stalin Society spokesperson in a brief telephone interview with Worker’s Spatula.

HAVANA – Peace talks between the Colombian state and FARC rebels appear to be reaching their conclusion, with FARC agreeing to hand in all their guns in exchange for land reform, amnesty, legal political participation, and “control of Colombia’s legal drug trade.”

LOS ANGELES – At a secret meeting in the Hollywood Hills, representatives of Worker’s Spatula and the Spartacist League met to discuss “the Trot situation”. In spite of disagreement on Trotsky himself, all representatives agreed that 21st century Trotskyism was moving further and further away from its Bolshevik and Leninist roots, descending deeper and deeper into Second Internationalist thinking, exemplified by such ideological abortions as Solidarity. At press time, a Worker’s Spatula representative slid a revolver across the table to her Spartacist League counterpart, saying: “I think we all know what has to be done.”

Solidarity Blames Latin American Left for Strength of US Imperialism

Solidarity

DETROIT – Yesterday, the US Trotskyist extremist organisation Solidarity published an editorial in their journal Against the Current denouncing the Latin American left, as a whole, for their total failure in fighting US imperialism. The article states that after years of Western solidarity with movements and parties of the Latin American left, US imperialism has still yet to be defeated:

“Despite all the efforts on the part of Solidarity, the Venezuelan economy is still too dependent on the export of oil, and other Latin American countries are even further from realising our lofty revolutionary standards. Wall Street still dominates Latin American economies, and US puppets rulers exploit and persecute the worker’s movement unchecked.”

“Cuba, meanwhile, in line with its Stalinist pedigree, has totally failed to combat US imperialism in any meaningful sense.”

“We have invested so much of our time in supporting the Latin American left so that it could topple US imperialism. And what has been the result? Nothing. Thus, it is time for us to change strategy, abandoning the hopeless Latin American left in favour of the Latin American right, whose horrible repression by the Stalinist capitalists in places like Venezuela makes them objectively more predisposed to struggle. The Cuban regime has made many mistakes as well, from their belief in the Stalinist principle of democratic centralism to sending Stalinist doctors to Haiti or Africa, preventing the natives from learning about Permanent Revolution, the only good thing about the Leninist tradition.”

“In short, the entire Latin American left is counter-revolutionary. This is because of the weakness of Trotskyism in their countries, whereas we have reached a new level of Trotskyism here in the US: We believe that the classical concepts Trotsky used to describe the Soviet Union were much too soft and that he should have simply labelled this Stalinist abomination what it was: Capitalism even worse than the Western capitalism, because it was Stalinist at the same time. Along similar lines, we’d like to state that all these incompetent leftists in stupid Spanish-speaking countries are not even proper Marxists like us, but anarchists, but like, statist anarchists or something. It doesn’t matter if they don’t shave, like in Cuba, or chew on coca leaves all day, like in Bolivia. The task of resistance in Latin America falls on our shoulders, as the only real internationalists. Down with authoritarianism, long live the revolution in Latin America!”

Fidel Castro responded in Granma, writing: “I’m just going to say it, since no one’s saying it: Are the Yankees ever going to threaten their own state, or just comment about how we’re doing things down here and discuss their ‘solidarity’ or lack thereof? What more can we do on their behalf? Should we declare an embargo on the US, after the US lifted its embargo against us? We have a lot of drugs in Latin America, but nobody is as drugged up as the Yankees. Those guys should start smoking Cuban cigars instead, now that the embargo has been lifted. Maybe that will wake them up…”

Responses from left-leaning Latin American leaders of a less Marxist-Leninist pedigree were similarly dismissive: Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa simply tweeted: “@SolidarityUS ¡Locos!”. Our correspondent in Caracas asked Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro for comment and received the answer: “Who?”. Similarly, Bolivian President Evo Morales didn’t say anything at all, merely smiling politely.

Podemos leader Pablo Iglesias appeared on his TV show La Tuerka with the following comment: “Well, I read that the US left has given up on solidarity with the Latin American left. That’s a big fucking deal, as it probably means that they will stop supporting us as well. Oh, it’s a group called ‘Solidarity’? Did they ever support us? Who are they?”

Renowned Slovenian philosopher and Marxist of some sort Slavoj Žižek devoted the first few minutes of one his lectures to commenting on the editorial: “You know, I read this in some shitty US left magazine… I mean, you know what my good friend Alain Badiou says about the US left… He says, well no, it is too dirty even for me… to… say… it… [sniffs] here, but the thing is, I was married several times, trust me, I know what I’m talking about, and I was married to an Argentinian model once, and I lost all my respect for them afterwards, Argentinian wives mostly, but Latin Americans in general too. The faking of the orgasm and so on and so on. So back to my point, it is like Lacan said in one of his seminars, you know, like in Hitchcock basically, Lacan uses the same technique, but let me explain it with Hitchcock. So, in short, Solidarity is complete nonsense, of course, I mean, literally, but… I think maybe there is something there, beneath the obvious literal statement, if you understand what I am saying.”

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

TrotHotSpot
LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”

FSA Cheerleaders: Jacobin is Baathist Propaganda

RightistsforFSANEW YORK CITY – FSA-worshipping Trotskyists are expressing outrage on Facebook and reportedly readying an adorable petition against Jacobin for publishing a summary piece about Syria entitled “the War on Syria” by one Patrick Higgins.

“This piece is Baathist propaganda, pure and simple. Jacobin should be jailed.” wrote Thomas Polanski, a New York-based veteran activist whose Facebook cover photo consists of members of the supposedly powerful Vietnamese Trotskyist movement that once existed, along with some text condemning Ho Chi Minh.

The piece, which accuses the Baath party of former collaboration with the US due to their mutual anti-communist interests, and contains a glowing appraisal of the Kurdish national liberation movement in Syria, has been judged to be deeply offensive regime propaganda by Facebook-active academic revolutionaries in top graduate programmes across the United States.

“Who’s Patrick Higgins? More like Assadrick Baathiggins, am I right?” read another deeply informed comment, posted by one Janet Smith, a young activist affiliated with “Solidarity” in Los Angeles.

Several “tankies” attempted to defend the piece, but were quickly shut down by the fierce and revolutionary rhetoric of bourgeois Trotskyists defending armed forces affiliated with the NATO/GCC-created SNC, whose leadership is unelected.

“Oh sure… [Higgins] defends the Kurds, and also talks the way Syrian Kurds talk about the situation in Syria, but he’s clearly a propagandist for the Arab nationalist Baath party and doesn’t really understand Syria the way I do from reading my party’s newspaper and watching pro-US news sources.” said Polanski.

“The Syrian Revolution is real. If I keep saying that, it’s true. There are no Islamists in Syria outside of ISIS. The FSA are all feminist secularist socialists who read Trotsky in their spare time. Anyone who says Assad is no worse than the Arab opposition is a tankie.” Smith wrote.

“What we really need is to put them in touch with like the five Syrian ‘activists’ I know, huddled in fear in their apartments, in the middle of a civil war.”

MLPD chairman Stefan Engel responded to the controversy: “So the Spartacist League likes ISIS, and the rest of the Trotskyites like the FSA? They are bending over backwards to avoid Rojava, aren’t they?”

Syrian president Bashar al-Assad praised Higgins’s piece as a perfect representation of his own assessment of Syria, and outlined his plans for an invasion of Czechoslovakia later this year, assisted by the PYD, provided his plans are not foiled by angry Facebook posts.