Worker’s Spatula Readers to Spend May 1st Indoors

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EAST LONDON, SOUTH AFRICA – Reports are flooding in from locations as diverse as Melbourne and Dublin that the vast majority of Worker’s Spatula readers intend to not leave the house on May 1st, better known as International Workers’ Day, or as it is popularly known in Turkish: Kızıl Kandil.

Estimates have it that 65% of Worker’s Spatula readers laughed at the ICFI’s intention to host an “online rally” for May Day despite themselves having no intentions to attend any rally in real life or even online.

72% of Worker’s Spatula readers are expected to make twice as many memes involving dead anti-revisionists than on an average day, but also twice as many memes as they intend to interact with members of the proletariat, the all-the-way revolutionary class they theoretically intend to lead to victory some day.

28% of Worker’s Spatula readers will make another attempt at learning the Internationale in their own language, or a folk song in Russian, 100% of which will be unsuccessful.

Fully 8% of Worker’s Spatula readers will actually attend a march at all, of whom 25% are expected to spend more time on their smart phones than yelling slogans or doing any other actual red business.

None of Worker’s Spatula’s US readers belong to an organisation that can take part at all, and not just because the ROL doesn’t admit it has any members and doesn’t do anything publicly under its own name.

100% of Turkish readers are expected to march even though it’s borderline illegal and quite dangerous, and yet you’re still reading this.

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News in Brief: September 14th 2015

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CİZRE, TURKISH KURDISTAN – Masses of local people emerged defiant from an eight-day siege of the town by the Turkish State to greet Selahattin Demirtaş. The massive crowd reportedly dwarfed the number of members of Trotskyist organisations around the world. At press time, Stefan Engel was spotted in a Kurdish neighbourhood in Berlin asking if anyone from Cizre could contact their relatives to enquire if the entire town would like to join ICOR.

NEW YORK – US rapper and unquestionable trend-setter Prodigy has announced a new album which will be titled “the Hegelian Dialectic”. Inside sources at the record company report that it is “very undialectical.”

MANILA – A group of Dutch Trotskyists, including Alex de Jong, are being wined and dined by a tiny Trotskyist sect affiliated with the reunified Fourth International, at which they are reportedly discussing the irrelevance of the CPP-NPA.

LONDON – A debate about women’s issues jointly organised by several Marxist organisations at SOAS reportedly ground to a halt as someone in attendance thought it would be a good idea to quote Shulamith Firestone. After a sharp sucking of air through the teeth by approximately half in attendance, everyone was silent for about 45 seconds before the subject was awkwardly changed.

JOHANNESBURG – Julius Malema has roundhouse kicked a Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Johannesburg for asking him questions about his personal lifestyle and finances. The reporter was quoted as saying “He’s still probably the best we can ask for in South Africa at present.”

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – DeLeonism apparently still a thing.