Prospects for the Ongoing Syrian Revolution

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Following the recapture of Aleppo by loyalist forces, the whole world’s attention has again turned to the future of Syria and its Arab majority. Worker’s Spatula, anxious to understand the revolutionary prospects for our Arab brothers and sisters, immediately sought out analysis from the world centre of leftist solidarity with “the Syrian Revolution”.

Naturally, this was not Beirut, Gaza City, Bethlehem, Istanbul, or Athens.

One of our New York correspondents sat down with two young and glamorous local Trotskyists in a posh café near NYU in Manhattan to chat about the horrors of war and the plight of the Arab people in Syria in a relaxed atmosphere to the magnificent taste of overpriced but frankly delicious coffee.

WS: So, you’re Trots?

A: Well… we hate Stalin.

WS: Do tell.

B: We think Trotsky was better than Stalin, but we support the thesis that after Stalin seized power, the Soviet Union became a capitalist state potentially worse than western capitalism, because Stalin.

WS: Uh-huh. And you guys support the Syrian Revolution?

A: Absolutely.

B: Mos’ def.

WS: Cool. What exactly are the main dynamics of the revolution at this point, and who are its main forces?

A: …

B: …

A: …well, you know, the Syrian people and shit.

B: Yeah, you know, all the forces opposed to the murderous Assad regime and the foreign stooges supporting it, like Hizbullah, Iran and of course Russia.

WS: So you’re saying al-Nusra, ISIS and other murderous takfiri groups are carrying out a national democratic revolution on behalf of “the Syrian people”?

A: No, no, not ISIS!

B: We’re not Sparts!

WS: So, what about al-Nusra?

B: They changed their name. I wasn’t sure if they were part of the revolution before, but now, since they changed their name, I guess they are.

WS: Okay. In other words, you consider takfiri groups who brutally slaughter anyone not sharing their ultra-specific brand of Sunnism to be a revolutionary force in Syria, that’s good to know.

A: Man, come on. They’re not revolutionary when they’re cutting children’s throats. We’d never claim that. They’re only revolutionary when they are fighting against the murderous Assad regime, because it kills children.

WS: Oh, I see. Well, that’s a relief.

B: Well, also, I don’t think they’re “revolutionary” per se…

WS: Do you mean objectively or subjectively?

A: Don’t answer that, it’s a Stalinist trick.

B: Look, there was a revolution against Assad a few years ago, and we have to defend that revolution, to which Assad’s continued personal existence is the main obstacle. There are some folks left who are genuinely good, but they have no influence. But all of this is Assad’s fault; get rid of Assad, and the national democratic revolution will return.

WS: Just like in Iraq.

B: No!

A: Yes!

WS: Right, so, just to summarise the main points here, you would argue that there was:
1) a revolution against Assad that had to be supported; but there is
2) no such revolutionary dynamic at present. Yet,
3) you still support anyone against Assad, because of said revolution.

In other words, as you supported the Red Army under Trotsky’s leadership, yet claim that there was no longer a revolution with Stalin’s rise to power – you would still support Stalin from 1928 onwards, because there was some revolution you do support to which Stalin could connect himself, have I got all that right?

A: What kind of tankie are you? I thought you said Assad was Stalin?

WS: What?

B: I’ll go get some more coffee…

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9 Facts about Trotskyism and Penises

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Some of the most frequent Google hits we get here at Worker’s Spatula are “Trotsky and penises”, “Trotsky penis size”, and “Trotsky ice axe slash fiction”. In order to cater to this clearly considerable market of people interested in Trotskyism and penises, we have decided to end some myths about both the Fourth International and phalluses once and for all:

  1. Reference to the USSR as “state capitalist” is not a defining feature of Trotskyism: Lenin used this term to describe the NEP period, and many anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists use it in reference to the post-Stalin USSR. Further, although several Trotskyist trends embrace this analysis of the Soviet Union in general, Trotsky rejected this in his lifetime.
  2. Although as “anti-Stalinists”, Trotskyists often decry the purges and trials carried out during the Stalin era, the question of how to treat dissent was far from the cause of the division between Stalin and Trotsky: Trotsky himself oversaw the suppression of the Kronstadt rebellion, which involved summary executions. Rather, clashes of personalities, differences in foreign policy, and theoretical-terminological disputes figured more prominently into the split.
  3. Some readers may worry that they have a small penis, but did you know that the human penis is the largest among primates? That means that more impressive male specimens of the mighty silverback gorilla (less than 8 cm!) very likely would be intimidated by you in the locker room!
  4. Trotskyism is not about “neither Washington nor Moscow”, as the Spartacist League is only too happy to demonstrate! Many Trotskyists have supported Moscow-backed regimes against US imperialism, just as Maoists following the “Three Worlds Theory” defended pro-US fascist dictatorships in opposition to Moscow!
  5. Did you know there’s not just one Fourth International? It’s true! In the post-WWII period, followers of Trotsky underwent a series of splits, including the eccentric “Posadist” trend. Today, there are even some who advocate the building of a Fifth International! Wow!
  6. “Permanent revolution” is not a reference to constant revolt per se, but rather to the independence of class interests by the most revolutionary class, the proletariat. The term actually predates Lenin and was used by Marx, and in essence merely states that proletarian political consciousness must take the forefront in struggle against the bourgeoisie, despite alliances with “non-proletarian” elements. The point for Trotsky, however, was that one did not need to adopt a “two-stage” approach to revolution, and that even in semi-colonial contexts where the bourgeois revolution had been “held back”, it could be accomplished in effect “together with” the proletarian revolution by more or less the same forces.
  7. Size matters… or does it? While many women do have certain aesthetic standards about penis size just as they may about any other body part, clitoral stimulation is far more important than penetration for female sexual gratification. Towards this end, perhaps men should stop bragging about their length and begin comparing girths?
  8. Many men still believe crazy myths about masturbation, like that excessive masturbation will rob your body of all sperm, or cause your penis to rot and fall off! Like we said, these are just myths! Sperm is reproduced constantly throughout a man’s life, and as Worker’s Spatula writers are forbidden from penetrative intercourse, we can assure you that frequent masturbation has no ill effects on the penis itself!
  9. Some people think that Trotsky betrayed the revolution and began a pseudo-revolutionary trend which, in addition to never effecting an actual revolution, frequently sides with the forces of imperialism and reaction in a misguided attempt to “correct the errors” of “Stalinism”.

Tom Watson to Speak at CPGB-ML Event

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LONDON – As the urban guerrilla campaign led by Red London and English Worker’s Spatula correspondents in defence of the Corbyn leadership draws closer and closer to victory, Corbyn’s enemies are trying ever more creative methods to outmanoeuvre the insane communist bent on the destruction of all that Britain holds dear.

“We’re very excited to announce that Comrade Tom Watson will be speaking at a fundraising night for CPGB-ML at the DPRK embassy,” announced Harpal Brar. “Tom Watson has been a great aid to us in exposing the dark reality of Trotskyites supporting Corbyn, and as we know, the principal task of revolutionaries is to crush Trotskyism, wherever it shows its face.”

“I think it’s great,” said Red Youth Chairman and membership Michael Hughes. “I’m glad we’re finally taking the initiative to unite with others to crush the fascist Trotskyite menace once and for all. I’ve been saying we should do this for years. Personally, I cross picket lines all the time just to see the look on the fucking Trots’ faces when I do it.”

Although Watson and the CPGB-ML are united in their hatred of Corbyn and their belief that their conception of “the Trots” are “behind” him, it is not at all clear that British Trotskyists themselves actually support Corbyn in any meaningful way. While groups like the SWP have come out in favour of Corbyn against Smith, they have failed to join Red London in armed struggle to defend his leadership, preferring to walk up to the trenches to sell newspapers and recruit people to the SWP:

“Excuse me, would you like to hear the Socialist Workers Party’s position on Corbyn? We think it’s very exciting to see young people so enthusiastic about fighting the Labour Right, and we want to explain how organisation is really the key to bringing that fight to its logical conclusion,” explained the SWP newspaper salesman as bullets whizzed overhead.

“Yeah, no, I’m just a bit busy right now, actually”, replied the masked woman returning fire at Jack Straw. “Could you come back later?”

“Oh yes, I will do,” said the newspaper salesman as he scurried out of the trench and into a nearby bus shelter.

The Spartacist League, for its part, has come out in favour of Owen Smith, reasoning that “Although we don’t ordinarily support anyone in Labour, it was nice to see him defend international socialism against the Stalinist Corbyn’s proposal for ‘Socialism in One Country’.”

A grouping of former members of the now-dissolved “Permanent Revolution” tendency have likewise offered Owen Smith “critical support” on the grounds that “We had one meeting with him which was quite fruitful, he seemed very enthusiastic about the idea of building a Seventh International together with us. We hope Owen Smith will do for British Trotskyism what Hugo Chávez did for Venezuelan Trotskyism.”

“Cops are Workers” Programme a Roaring Success

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CHICAGO – Finally taking heed to the sage advice given by many reasonable, bourgeois, disproportionately white leftists, Marxists in the US have decided to start actively working to organise the police, as they are just workers, you see.

“Excuse me,” said Eric Cohen of the Spartacist League, as he stepped up to the front desk in the Cicero Police Department. “Have you considered the degenerated workers’ state in North Korea’s right to nuclear weapons?”

Forty-seven minutes later, Cohen walked out of the office, having sold seven newspapers and three subscriptions.

“What can I say?” said “new recruit” to the Permanent Revolution Officer O’Brien. “He was very persuasive. I hadn’t considered how we cops are being exploited, and how we are entitled to all the value produced by our labour of murdering black children.”

“Death to Yankee imperialism!” added his colleague, Officer Johnson.

On the south side, FRSO member Malcolm Jackson was being interviewed by the local Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he was brutally beaten by Chicago Police Officer King.

“In a sense, Officer King here is also a victim of the system. He’s also being exploited by the capitalist class as he beats me with this baton you see here,” Jackson explained, his fist raised defiantly in the air as Officer King mercilessly rained down blow after blow on his head.

Asked how successful he found the programme to be, Officer King smiled broadly and said: “Very successful. I really feel like my eyes have been opened now. Me and a few other guys from the Fraternal Order of Police, Lodge 7, are going on strike next week. We demand much higher wages to brutalise no-good troublemakers like this piece of shit here.”

United Federation of Planets under Fire for “Social Imperialism”

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WHEREVER STAR TREK TAKES PLACE, SPACE OR WHATEVER, YOU GODDAMN NERDS – Despite claims made by the Federation to have abolished money, several former RIM affiliates have condemned the United Federation of Planets for operating in accordance with “capitalist logic” and having succumbed to the pressures of “space revisionism (the final revisionist frontier)”.

“The use of credits shows that contrary to the Federation’s claims of having advanced beyond socialism into full space communism, there is still some capacity for a descent into revisionism,” said a spokesman for the Communist (Maoist) Party of Afghanistan.

“Indeed,” concurred Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr’s spokesman. “It is our contention that old capitalist habits and relations have been sublated in the newly socialist Federation, but that lack of attention to this fact has allowed capitalist logic to reassert itself through the corrupt Federation bureaucracy. Combined with the Federation’s impressive military force, we are unfortunately beginning to see increasing violations of the Prime Directive, one of the first signs of social imperialism.”

When asked what they proposed as a solution for the dire picture they painted, the spokeswoman for the Communist Party of India (Maoist) prescribed “cultural revolution, by the bucketful. Just keep smashing old things until everything becomes new and good,” causing the other spokespeople to nod their heads in somber agreement.

While the intergalactic Trotskyist movement universally agreed that “degeneracy” was “inevitable” without Trotsky at the head of the Federation Council, they were divided on whether to critically support the Federation as a “degenerated workers’ space-althing” (per the Spartacist League) or whether to claim the Federation, like all practical efforts by anti-capitalists, was “worse than capitalism, which we wouldn’t want to be too hard on” (per Solidarity).

At press time, anarchists were still diving in dumpsters, even though we have fucking replicators now.

Leftist New York Jews Condemn US SWP

JewsSayNo

NEW YORK CITY – In response to one Seth Galinsky’s piece in The Militant condemning the BDS movement as indicative of “Jew Hatred” and an attack on “free speech”, assorted red diaper babies in New York City have condemned of the SWP as “Zionists” and “shmendriks”.

“Is this meant to be a joke?” asked Joan Weiss, a member of Jews Say No, an organisation which regularly organises protests to condemn Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people. “I was a Trot back in the day, and we never had a problem with making ‘a pariah of Israel’.”

“They’re Shachtmanites,” retorted her friend and salsa dancing enthusiast Andy Bernstein, who lives with his much younger partner Pablo on the Upper West Side and writes for Socialist Worker. “Shachtmanites wreck everything. They wrecked US Trotskyism and now they want to wreck our solidarity with the Palestinian people! Wreckers!”

“The Militant, they call themselves,” laughed mockingly one Sam Schmidt, RCPUSA activist and Chinese culture expert. “These Trots wouldn’t know militancy if it walked up and introduced itself, selling a copy of Revolution. By the way, check out our latest edition of Revolution!”

Spartacist League activist Ruth Gold refused to condemn the SWP’s stance on Israel and BDS, but insisted we print her correction about our characterisation of the SWP as “Trotskyists”: “I wish you Stalinists would stop calling the SWP Trotskyists. I mean, we don’t consider the UK SWP Trotskyists either, because we are the only real Trotskyists, but the US SWP explicitly rejected Permanent Revolution, making them Stalinists.”

The PFLP has not issued a response to the SWP’s criticisms, much to the surprise of SWP activists. One of their number, Abe Singer, responded: “They like Che Guevara, we like Che Guevara, I’m sure if they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner from Peking Kitchen at my place they would see that there are Jews whose views are just like theirs.”

“Except, you know, we’re more concerned with condemning Hamas than Israel. Except that one part.”

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

ISIS Unites with ISO in Struggle against Fascism

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RAQQAH, SYRIA – In what could well be the tipping of the scales in the revolutionary struggle against Assad’s offensively non-Sunni regime, the most repressive in the Arab world according to all non-tankies, self-styled “Caliph of the Islamic State”, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed the existence of long-running negotiations with the ISO, and that these negotiations have resulted in a decision to unite into a single organisation.

“The Islamic State is no more! We are now the International Islamic Socialist State of Iraq and Syria: the IISSIS!” announced Joseph al-Combined and Uneven, the former ISO’s delegate to Raqqah and now “Emir of Lebanon”, sporting an impressive beard which apparently dates back to his ISO organising days in Brooklyn, when he lived in the hipster part of Williamsburg but attempted to organise in the Hispanic part of Williamsburg.

“This is the natural conclusion of our heroic, on-the-ground role in the Syrian Revolution®, which erupted in March 2011 after Bashar ‘Stalin’ al-Assad personally gunned down a million Syrians and their mothers twice for no reason. Stalinism, as exemplified by Bashar al-Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria, and is known by all the Syrians I’ve spoken to here in Raqqah to be the primary contradiction, not only in Syria, but in the world! Therefore, it is only right that we join a united front with all progressive forces in Syria, except those nationalist Kurds, and through this united front we have convinced the Syrian people to accept our correct line. Suck on that, Worker’s World!”

The “Syrian Revolution” has been denounced by the usual gang of National Bolsheviks who throughout history have supported dead-end petty bourgeois leaders like Ho Chi Minh and Thomas Sankara, and today ignore the real and really revolutionary revolutions in Ukraine and Syria. However, these elements only make up the majority in stupid poor countries. They are outnumbered in countries where, thanks to the full and proper development of the proletariat, the contradictions are at their sharpest, such as Britain or France. These bloodthirsty Assad-worshippers have made up stories of sectarian attacks on Alawites, despite all available evidence pointing to only the most powerful, well-funded and numerically significant elements of the Arab opposition holding explicitly anti-Alawite views.

“Our statisticians on the ground in Beirut report that fewer than 100% of active militias fighting Assad demand a Sunni theocracy built on the mass murder of all Alawites is a desirable goal,” reported Haydar Abdurrahim, an analyst working in London for a Qatari-funded Human Rights organisation. “So really, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Rebecca al-Fa’s, an IISSIS comrade from Boston, agreed: “Every day the reality of the Syrian Revolution becomes more clear to the entire world, except for tankies, that is to say, those to whom the reality is not clear.”

“The Islamic State’s conversion to revolutionary socialism is living proof that petty bourgeois white Anglo university students in imperialist countries armed with our encyclopedic knowledge of our own overpriced pamphlets, and knowledge of exactly one regional language if you count English, can win over even the most stubborn reactionaries. When we spoke to grassroots ISIS activists over Skype about the unity declaration, it became clear that the move towards radical progressive politics was driven from below as a direct result of ISO activists winning over rank-and-file jihadists to the shining path of socialism, eventually compelling the petty bourgeois leadership to submit to the masses.”

“Furthermore, notice that despite all their support, the Spartacist League could never totally convince ISIS. That’s because they support North Korea. Hatred of North Korea is the key to the masses. Remember this and do not forget.”

“Naturally we still believe it is our duty to cleanse all Muslim lands of filthy infidels, whose blood and women are halal for us,” said activist aid worker “Muawiyah Al Tunisi”. “One day, after I had performed my daily quota of beheadings, I was approached by a young man from America who asked if I’d like to buy a magazine. He told me I was being exploited by my bosses who generated surplus value from all my beheadings, so we created workers councils to distribute the head-chopping work evenly,” said the young activist who was oppressed for decades by Assad’s diabolical regime, despite being a Tunisian national who arrived in Syria for the first time in 2012.

“Whenever ISIS activists would talk about wanting to slaughter the Alawites, Christians, and Druze, this is because they represent the oppressed Sunni masses who suffered for decades under a sectarian Alawite regime that forced them to believe that Syrians from all sects are equal,” explained Rebecca al-Fa’s.

“Oh the daily oppression!” lamented “Abu Omar al-Uthman”, a Syrian activist who returned in 2012 after living in exile for two decades, “my family owned half the land in Hama before the Baathist kuffar took over,” he said, wiping away his tears with wads of Saudi banknotes that kept falling out of his pockets, “they took most of it away in the name of this ‘land reform’ nonsense…”

“We explained to him that what he suffered under wasn’t real socialism but state capitalism – his eyes lit up and he signed our membership form straight away. Endless appeals to a fantasy socialism as the solution to all worldly problems has a shocking appeal among religious fanatics. Plus, as ISIS argues against Islamism in one country, similarly, we oppose socialism in one country. We both advocate chaos in the name of radical change, regardless of the objective consequences, so long as the result benefits US foreign policy. These common theoretical views laid the foundation for our now-realised unity in practice!”

Asked about plans for the future, Rebecca al-Fa’s was optimistic: “Given how incredibly progressive, moderate, and secular the FSA is, we’re sure they’re going to unite with us next! Revolution forever!”

SWP Releases Statement Calling for Morrissey’s Death

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LONDON – British IST affiliate Socialist Workers’ Party has shocked their Egyptian sister party, Revolutionary Socialists, by calling for the speedy execution of Morrissey.

“Morrissey is actually a counter-revolutionary, merely posing as a critic of the establishment, with his petty-bourgeois idealism and his empty words. We demand that the Egyptian state quickly chop his ugly head off, before any more Egyptian Trotskyists are tricked into supporting his dangerous rhetoric.”

Revolutionary Socialists, contrary to the reputation of IST affiliates to slavishly follow orders from London, issued this fierce response:

“Our message to Callinicos, you donkey: Morrissey is still the only democratic leader of the Egyptian people, ever. Every other leader of the Egyptians, from Nasser to Sisi, have all been Stalinists. We will never abandon Morrissey, even if the rest of the IST does. To die by his side? Well, the pleasure, the privilege, is ours.”

The Spartacist League of Britain, known in very hip circles for their artisanal paper, Workers Hammer [a name clearly chosen to capitalise on the popularity of Worker’s Spatula – WS], pointed out in a lengthy rant that “the Cliffites” had until recently supported Morrissey’s presidency, disrupted an SWP “Kill Morrissey” rally in order to demand an explanation.

“We, the Spartacist League of Britain, are the only real communists in Britain, and indeed, the world!” screamed the leader of the Spart gang, Linda Harris, through a megaphone. “We never supported Morrissey or any other popular leader ever! That’s how you know we’re pure! But still, these pseudo-revolutionaries should have to explain to the working class their unprincipled and opportunistic zigzags! Why are you all such fucking shits?”

An unfazed Callinicos quickly regained control of the rally, taking hold of an even larger and less bureaucratic megaphone, to respond: “You lot support ISIS.”

After the rally, a member of the SWP agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula on condition of anonymity. “We did support Morrissey, we did zigzag, the Sparts are right on this one.”

“The thing is, we really liked his early work, back under Mubarak, with the Smiths.”

Image credit: “gleepii” on Reddit.

News in Brief: October 1st 2015

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DAMASCUS – The “Free Syrian Army” is still a powerful, unified, independent, secular, democratic revolutionary institution that all Marxists should support, “or else they are agents of Putin”, stated a press release by People’s Liberation Faction, a three-person Trotskyist sect embedded deep within the fighting whose only contact with the outside world appears to be Swiss blogger Joseph Daher. “The Kurds need to stop acting like the Arab forces on the ground are divided between Assad and jihadists, because that’s not fair to all the progressive forces who are going to crush the Nusra Front any day now, just watch.”

CHICAGO – A fierce fight has broken out in a “revolutionary” undergraduate student union about whether or not “we need dialectics”. A well-informed English major insisted it was “mysticism” and that there was “no point” in reading Hegel or Engels on dialectics, as if they themselves had ever attempted to do so.

LONDON – The CPGB-ML continues to insist it is truly revolutionary and the proletariat should not be fooled by Jeremy Corbyn, in spite of the fact that there is no difference between the minimal programmes of Harpal Brar and Jeremy Corbyn. “But we look scarier!” explained a Stalin Society spokesperson in a brief telephone interview with Worker’s Spatula.

HAVANA – Peace talks between the Colombian state and FARC rebels appear to be reaching their conclusion, with FARC agreeing to hand in all their guns in exchange for land reform, amnesty, legal political participation, and “control of Colombia’s legal drug trade.”

LOS ANGELES – At a secret meeting in the Hollywood Hills, representatives of Worker’s Spatula and the Spartacist League met to discuss “the Trot situation”. In spite of disagreement on Trotsky himself, all representatives agreed that 21st century Trotskyism was moving further and further away from its Bolshevik and Leninist roots, descending deeper and deeper into Second Internationalist thinking, exemplified by such ideological abortions as Solidarity. At press time, a Worker’s Spatula representative slid a revolver across the table to her Spartacist League counterpart, saying: “I think we all know what has to be done.”