Ebert’s Skeleton Dug Up and Named Chair of Die Linke


BERLIN – In a shocking twist even by the standards of the ever-dynamic world of German left politics, Die Linke has elected to dig up the remains of Friedrich Ebert and name it chairman of their party.

Unsurprisingly, the move to replace Kipping and Riexinger with the skeleton of the man whose government was responsible for the deaths of Rosa Luxemburg of Karl Liebknecht has caused controversy inside the party and out. SPD has immediately filed a lawsuit demanding Ebert’s remains be turned over to them, “since he is definitely ours and we would’ve done this already if only we’d thought of it first.”

Riexinger, who has been demoted to co-assistant to Chairman Ebert along with Kipping, responded defiantly to the SPD’s attempts to take away Die Linke’s newest asset: “Friedrich Ebert does not belong to the SPD alone, but to all who still dream the beautiful second internationalist dream here in Germany. We are the genuine left in Germany, and the German left is Ebert, so Ebert is us. He is our heritage, he is our future.”

Kipping added: “SPD needs to give it up. We’ve had about enough. It’s not hard to see, the corpse is ours.”

A small speaker has been installed in what remains of Ebert’s mouth which plays a loud recording of the German national anthem whenever someone in the area is detected engaging in ultra-left shenanigans. The ultra-leftism is detected through a complex network of cameras and microphones which feed information into a computer in the cranial cavity about the presence of red flags other than Die Linke’s or phrases statistically associated with ICOR troublemaking. If Stefan Engel’s name is uttered in the skeleton’s presence, the anthem will play at top volume while a signal will be sent to the police, so that they may come immediately to restore good patriotic German order.

Die Linke higher-ups refer to it as “a miracle of German engineering.”

In response to polite requests from the stupid proletarian members near the bottom of the party structure for an explanation of this warm embrace of Ebert while Die Linke still makes use of symbolism paying tribute to Luxemburg and Liebknecht, Kipping and Riexinger remained steadfast.

“If this is the only thing you find hypocritical about Die Linke policy, I’m not sure how qualified you are to speak about left politics either,” laughed Kipping. “I mean, where were we during negotiations with Greece? I’m really asking you, I was quite drunk for most of the negotiations, and I’m not sure what I got up to.”

Riexinger agreed: “Very, very drunk.”

“Anyone who’s been with us this long isn’t gonna go running off to join a proper communist party just because we ‘abandon’ Luxemburg now,” concluded Kipping. “And if they do, all the better. It’s because of troublemakers like that that we’ve got the Verfassungsschutz on our backs.”

The DKP reacted to the news with delight: “So if they’re appropriating Ebert now, does that mean we can have the Karl Liebknecht House and the Rosa Luxemburg Foundation? Not that we’re going to support any adventurist nonsense like Luxemburg and Liebknecht did, but it’d be nice to have more name-brand recognition.”

Stefan Engel, chairman of the MLPD and one true king of Narnia, was arrested within hours of Die Linke’s press release for physically assaulting the Ebert skeleton, whose skull he broke to pieces before the police arrived.