News in Brief: March 11th 2017

NormieBrother

MANILA -Reports indicate that [REDACTED], a Worker’s Spatula correspondent formerly based in Malaysia and now based in the Philippines, is hosting his fucking normie brother, who is in town on a business trip.

At press time, the former’s ideology was almost revealed when the latter burst into his room unannounced. Although the CPP propaganda was quickly thrown under the bed, our comrade’s normie brother still requested to see it.

An initial attempt to quell interest failed when being told it was “just my porn” only piqued the normie brother’s interest. Our comrade then calculated that choosing this moment to come out of the closet would result in less family strife than the revelation of his communistic views, and the subject was quickly changed.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA – Caleb Maupin is reportedly touring county fairs in Nebraska and Iowa, attempting to convince the local white population that imitating China today is the path to social harmony and progress for the United States.

While he has been largely unsuccessful at converting others to his particular brand of “socialism”, the mission has not been without incident: a 23-year-old man driving an SUV responded to Maupin’s request to “learn about Deng Xiaoping” by saying “I don’t really like Chinese food”. Maupin later barely escaped a beating by a Trump supporter by informing the latter of his close ties with the Donald.

STEMBOL – As PKK leader Abdullah Öcalan’s isolation continues, sources in touch with his lawyer have become increasingly concerned that he may have been replaced by an “Ölacan” figure.

“I mean, my god, I have spoken to my good friend Abdullah Öcalan quite recently *sniff*,” explained Öcalan’s lawyer. “And, this is to say, as we used to say in Yugoslavia, you know, the thing is, he is writing a new book.”

The reported title of the book, apparently about the Imagined, the Symbolic, and the Real of Kurdistan, is “the Mirror Stage: Libidinal Dynamics of Anatolian Resistance”. Öcalan’s lawyer also shared with us the following “very dirty joke, but also, it is completely true and serious”: The cover of the book will be the famous painting from the İmralı cell, of a labia shaped approximately like the map of Kurdistan.

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND – Local teenage Marxist Frank Hobbes has elected to join the SPGB, making him the first young person to join the party in decades.

“I just wanted to be part of a party that understood that everything literally and immediately reduces to class, in the first and final instance, and no other discussion of theory or practice is helpful, or even interesting.”

Tragically, his best internet friend, Mark Anson, another teenage Marxist from Florida, is unable to find a local equivalent organisation in which to act out the part of the caricature of Marxism that anti-Marxist liberals believe the rest of us actually are.