Worker’s Spatula Begin Second Three-Year Plan


AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN THE SWISS ALPS – Coming up on the third anniversary of the founding of Worker’s Spatula on the 16th of this month, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have convened in a village in the Swiss Alps to appraise the successes and failures of the first Three-Year Plan and outline the second one, to be put into action immediately.

The Three-Year Plan was originally conceived of as a rough guide to the collective’s interventions for the coming period, both in terms of the process and the desired results. Following our general criticism of the 20th century experience as having been insufficiently dialectical, we chose a three-year period over a five-year period on the grounds that a change in quantity would effect a change in quality, and also Lenin: “Better Fewer, But Better”.

Several members spoke of their appraisal of our achievements with regard to our initial ambitions:

“Obviously the greatest success has been the high level of theoretical development of our cadres within the Spatula’s network, as well as our many readers scattered across all continents,” began one German representative, passing around some cigars procured on his recent trip to Haiti, the homeland of the Lordship–Bondage dialectic (citation: Susan Buck-Morss). “We are completely ahead of schedule on that front. Our original stated goal was to exceed Žižek’s level of Hegel-fetishism by 2018, we have actually transformed the international anti-revisionist movement into an invisible army of Hegel scholars. Praise the dialectic of history!”

“Typical German idealism,” hastily interjected an English representative. “Our greatest success has been material, namely our transformation of Worker’s Spatula from a backwards website into a great industrial power able to economically outproduce Great Moments in Leftism, and to do so relying principally on Turkish resources, against the vulgar economist predictions of the leftcom scoundrels.”

“Comrades, comrades,” interrupted a sobering voice with a Turkish accent from the back of the room, “it is the accepted thing at congresses to speak of achievements. That we have achievements is beyond question. They, these achievements, are, of course, not inconsiderable, and there is no reason to hide them. But, comrades, it has become a practice with us lately to talk so much of achievements, and sometimes so affectedly, that one loses all desire to speak of them once again. Allow me, therefore, to depart from the general practice and to say a few words not about our achievements, but about our weaknesses and our tasks in connection with these weaknesses.”

Recognising the Stalin quote, several Central Committee members present shifted uncomfortably in their seats, preparing for accusations of bureaucratisation.

With each week that brings us closer to 2019 and the 300th anniversary of the Nazi Nightmareland which is Liechtenstein, it becomes more and more obvious that no matter which tactics we employ, we are utterly powerless to bring down this regime. Nobody dares say it, but since we are all thinking it, I will stake my reputation on telling the truth: Liechtenstein imperialism is so impervious to our efforts to bring it down precisely because there is another, more powerful imperialist country defending it. I speak of course of Swiss imperialism.

At the beginning of our first Three-Year Plan, we determined that there was a need to grasp the Leninist assertion that imperialism is in fact the highest stage in the development of capitalism, and to retheorise this against the economically ignorant misconceptions which have become predominant in our movement. Our attacks on Liechtenstein have, in this light, been very correct and crucial for world revolution. But we cannot ignore the fact that we have spent considerable resources in 2018, suffering splits and even sacrificing martyrs to ensure the downfall of Liechtenstein from our base here in Switzerland, when it is the objective social and economic relations within Switzerland, and not our subjectivity as anti-Liechtenstein guerrillas, which have been holding back this revolutionary war.

We cannot hold this criticism back until the New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism: the head of global imperialism is Swiss monopoly capital, a force more powerful even than Liechtenstein. Our next Three-Year Plan must include a commitment to the theoretical and practical development of the revolutionary movement within Switzerland itself. Only thus can we construct a revolutionary movement actually capable of confronting these two greatest imperialist powers: Switzerland and Liechtenstein, who together prop up all others and indeed the entire capitalist world-system.

After a tense moment of silence, this speech was greeted with applause, and chants in support of the construction of a “pan-Alpine guerrilla movement” by August 2021.

Other criticisms of the first Three-Year Plan were that the seriousness of our commitment to Marxism has also weakened our ability to intervene in the sphere of internet content. The second Three-Year Plan is to include a commitment to gaining at least one new content-creator for every four people who have to stop contributing because of the demands of our real-world politics.

As the meeting rounded up, other aspects of the second Three-Year Plan were agreed upon in a democratic centralist fashion. By 2021, Worker’s Spatula expect to have:

  • Achieved full vegetarianism of the Central Committee and achieved majority vegetarianism by all Worker’s Spatula contributors. Bream will be phased out last among meats, and all meat-eating readers are encouraged to spend the next year transitioning through a bream-based diet to a vegetarian diet as quickly as possible.
  • Re-educated all cishet man comrades to never accept any relationship with a woman other than one based upon the heroic principles of socialist matriarchal polyandry.
  • Spatular agents within every single ICOR affiliate, a broad influence on other international anti-revisionist projects.
  • Recognition not only as the pinnacle of Marxist-Leninist internet content and the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, but also take over all those other communist meme pages on Facebook, directly or indirectly.
  • Used Twitter to make the sort of jokes we used to make on WordPress, then as the character count increases on that site, gradually turn the Twitter content into the sort of lengthy screeds which are now normative on the WordPress site, and by the end of the Three-Year Plan have to find another platform for dumb jokes on.

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ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics


LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”. The TİKB representatives proceeded to flip over the table and storm from the hall, shouting slogans back at “the reformists”.