“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

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CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

Max Blumenthal a Sellout for Writing for Alternet

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NEW YORK – Representatives of the ISO, Solidarity, and other very important and politically serious Trotskyist trends in the US came together today to collectively condemn right-wing careerist and imperialist warmonger Max Blumenthal in Union Square.

“Max Blumenthal is in the service of dictators!” began Elaine Johanson of the ISO. “He’s lining his pockets with Syrian regime money while the people of Syria suffer! We call for the democratically elected government of Iraq to be extended to Damascus, and for Max Blumenthal to be publicly hanged for war crimes! Vote Clinton.”

Next up to speak was Paul Winthrop, of Solidarity: “Oppressed people all over the world will hear the deafening silence of the Stalinists today! Oh sure, they’re out there for Black people when they die, and for Palestinians when Israel is bombing them, but Black people and Palestinians can see through the lies, because they can see the Stalinists refuse to condemn the real threat to the wretched of the earth: Max Blumenthal.

“We go further than all the others: We call for regime change EVERYWHERE, whether in Pyongyang, Damascus, or Max Blumenthal’s office!”

While other speakers continued ranting and raving about the fascist menace presented by Blumenthal, John Green of the SWP (which is like the AWL in the UK, not SWP in the UK), agreed to speak with our New York correspondent:

“The utter hypocrisy of Blumenthal’s piece in Alternet… What a fascist sellout move… So first of all, to accuse the US of wanting regime change in Syria, it ignores the question of how much Russia wants regime change in Syria. Bet he didn’t think of that, did he? Well he did, but then he stuffed his face with a big money salad. Like a big… Russian salad. Made out of money. And lies.

“Secondly, he’s Jewish. Blumenthal is a Jew. And any self-respecting Jew should know better than to stand against the democratic and progressive forces in Syria. You know which ones I mean. And WHY does he stand against them? Because they get arms from the US? My grandfather fought against the Nazis, with weapons supplied by Stalin, another Nazi imperialist leader, maybe worse than the US. Was he wrong too? Would Blumenthal write a piece condemning my grandfather?

“Max Blumenthal denies the Holocaust.”

Updates on Blumenthal’s continued assaults on ethically and intellectually serious discourse will be provided as they happen.

Clinton or Sanders – Cuban Revolutionaries Split over Who to Endorse

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HAVANA – What has not been achieved by decades of embargo and open low-intensity warfare might now be happening as an effect of the Democratic primaries. Reports have surfaced on splits within leading ranks of the Communist Party of Cuba over who to endorse in the race.

Raúl Castro made a speech favourable toward Sanders. He stated that he viewed Sanders’s extremely moderate welfare state proposals as a significant upgrade over previous US policy. Further, he stated that in the US context, “nothing could be more revolutionary” than Sanders’s official position that the US should be closer to Cuba on the grounds that it will be more profitable for US capitalists. He concluded by saying: “For decades we did not have to care about who was elected US president and we rightly denounced the whole US ruling class, but now we do have to care and I guess I like Sanders.”

Raúl’s statements prompted a sharp response by his brother Fidel, the maximo leader of the Cuban revolution, and widely regarded as the first modern hipster. In his regular column Reflexiones he wrote: “Raul is still young, but he should actually be aware of what I am going to say. I happen to know a thing or two about US presidents and their relationship to Cuba. And in this upcoming election, I guarantee you that the best choice for the revolution in Cuba is Hillary Clinton. Here is why: First, you want a president who is violently pro-capitalist at home, thereby sharpening the contradictions, and not too hawkish towards us in foreign policy. This is clearly Hillary Clinton and not Sanders. Oh sure, Clinton is an imperialist like the rest of them, but Sanders has to overcompensate on foreign policy, and after what he said about Chavez, I am convinced that he will seek to invade Cuba first thing after being sworn in as president.

“Secondly, We know from history that all US Presidents without a beard were hostile to the Cuban revolution. Which is understandable, considering how formidable our beards were. Just look at pictures of me, or Che, or Camilo Cienfuegos. Hillary is a woman, so she is exempt from that. This is why I am endorsing Clinton. Behind Raúl’s sympathy for Sanders I detect his own ambitions for liberalisation and a moderate welfare state, views which I am sure are closely related to his weak choice of beard. Raul has to grow a beard soon, or it’s all over for Cuba.”

International reactions to this debate were swift: The US-based part-time Trotskyist Cuba-fetishist party and elderly confused Marxist bridge club known as the Socialist Workers Party issued a statement calling for “understanding between the two factions in Cuba”, and expressing its hope that when “militant feminist activist Hillary Clinton” is inevitably named the Democratic Party’s candidate for 2016, she can name Sanders her vice-presidential candidate and form a “popular front for the liberation of the United States”, supported by all Cuban comrades.

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro immediately took to the airwaves to declare his support for Fidel’s support for Hillary: “Clearly, the Venezuelan counter-revolution loves Sanders for his comments on our Comandante. I have no idea what Hillary is going to do, but it can’t be worse for us than Sanders, I suppose. Also, Fidel is probably right about the beard business. We also failed to go beyond a managed capitalism, and neither the Comandante nor I had a beard. I thought the Stalin moustache would cut it, but no. Clearly beards are a must for any Latin American revolutionary.

“Well now the whole thing is falling on our heads. In fact, I suspect that the negative results of the recent elections were a consequence of foreign intervention lead by Sanders. It seems that Raúl wants to join in the international conspiracy against Venezuela. To this I say: ¡Viva Fidel! ¡No Pasarán!”

Evo Morales did not comment on the situation directly, but reportedly sent a package with leaves from an unknown tree to Cuba in order to ease the situation. The Komünist Parti in Turkey issued a statement saying that they would support whatever and whoever the Cuban leadership supports, while they also clarified – in spite of its lack of relationship to the topic at hand – that they were opposed to Pan-Kurdism and Kurdish nationalism in general and that the only way to resolve the Kurdish problem in Turkey was a rallying of Kurdish and Turkish workers together under the revolutionary socialist banner of the KP.

Vladimir Putin assured the Cuban leadership that in the case of a Sanders victory, he would station nuclear missiles in Cuba in order to defend it against potential US aggression.

Leftist New York Jews Condemn US SWP

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NEW YORK CITY – In response to one Seth Galinsky’s piece in The Militant condemning the BDS movement as indicative of “Jew Hatred” and an attack on “free speech”, assorted red diaper babies in New York City have condemned of the SWP as “Zionists” and “shmendriks”.

“Is this meant to be a joke?” asked Joan Weiss, a member of Jews Say No, an organisation which regularly organises protests to condemn Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people. “I was a Trot back in the day, and we never had a problem with making ‘a pariah of Israel’.”

“They’re Shachtmanites,” retorted her friend and salsa dancing enthusiast Andy Bernstein, who lives with his much younger partner Pablo on the Upper West Side and writes for Socialist Worker. “Shachtmanites wreck everything. They wrecked US Trotskyism and now they want to wreck our solidarity with the Palestinian people! Wreckers!”

“The Militant, they call themselves,” laughed mockingly one Sam Schmidt, RCPUSA activist and Chinese culture expert. “These Trots wouldn’t know militancy if it walked up and introduced itself, selling a copy of Revolution. By the way, check out our latest edition of Revolution!”

Spartacist League activist Ruth Gold refused to condemn the SWP’s stance on Israel and BDS, but insisted we print her correction about our characterisation of the SWP as “Trotskyists”: “I wish you Stalinists would stop calling the SWP Trotskyists. I mean, we don’t consider the UK SWP Trotskyists either, because we are the only real Trotskyists, but the US SWP explicitly rejected Permanent Revolution, making them Stalinists.”

The PFLP has not issued a response to the SWP’s criticisms, much to the surprise of SWP activists. One of their number, Abe Singer, responded: “They like Che Guevara, we like Che Guevara, I’m sure if they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner from Peking Kitchen at my place they would see that there are Jews whose views are just like theirs.”

“Except, you know, we’re more concerned with condemning Hamas than Israel. Except that one part.”