Prospects for the Ongoing Syrian Revolution


Following the recapture of Aleppo by loyalist forces, the whole world’s attention has again turned to the future of Syria and its Arab majority. Worker’s Spatula, anxious to understand the revolutionary prospects for our Arab brothers and sisters, immediately sought out analysis from the world centre of leftist solidarity with “the Syrian Revolution”.

Naturally, this was not Beirut, Gaza City, Bethlehem, Istanbul, or Athens.

One of our New York correspondents sat down with two young and glamorous local Trotskyists in a posh café near NYU in Manhattan to chat about the horrors of war and the plight of the Arab people in Syria in a relaxed atmosphere to the magnificent taste of overpriced but frankly delicious coffee.

WS: So, you’re Trots?

A: Well… we hate Stalin.

WS: Do tell.

B: We think Trotsky was better than Stalin, but we support the thesis that after Stalin seized power, the Soviet Union became a capitalist state potentially worse than western capitalism, because Stalin.

WS: Uh-huh. And you guys support the Syrian Revolution?

A: Absolutely.

B: Mos’ def.

WS: Cool. What exactly are the main dynamics of the revolution at this point, and who are its main forces?

A: …

B: …

A: …well, you know, the Syrian people and shit.

B: Yeah, you know, all the forces opposed to the murderous Assad regime and the foreign stooges supporting it, like Hizbullah, Iran and of course Russia.

WS: So you’re saying al-Nusra, ISIS and other murderous takfiri groups are carrying out a national democratic revolution on behalf of “the Syrian people”?

A: No, no, not ISIS!

B: We’re not Sparts!

WS: So, what about al-Nusra?

B: They changed their name. I wasn’t sure if they were part of the revolution before, but now, since they changed their name, I guess they are.

WS: Okay. In other words, you consider takfiri groups who brutally slaughter anyone not sharing their ultra-specific brand of Sunnism to be a revolutionary force in Syria, that’s good to know.

A: Man, come on. They’re not revolutionary when they’re cutting children’s throats. We’d never claim that. They’re only revolutionary when they are fighting against the murderous Assad regime, because it kills children.

WS: Oh, I see. Well, that’s a relief.

B: Well, also, I don’t think they’re “revolutionary” per se…

WS: Do you mean objectively or subjectively?

A: Don’t answer that, it’s a Stalinist trick.

B: Look, there was a revolution against Assad a few years ago, and we have to defend that revolution, to which Assad’s continued personal existence is the main obstacle. There are some folks left who are genuinely good, but they have no influence. But all of this is Assad’s fault; get rid of Assad, and the national democratic revolution will return.

WS: Just like in Iraq.

B: No!

A: Yes!

WS: Right, so, just to summarise the main points here, you would argue that there was:
1) a revolution against Assad that had to be supported; but there is
2) no such revolutionary dynamic at present. Yet,
3) you still support anyone against Assad, because of said revolution.

In other words, as you supported the Red Army under Trotsky’s leadership, yet claim that there was no longer a revolution with Stalin’s rise to power – you would still support Stalin from 1928 onwards, because there was some revolution you do support to which Stalin could connect himself, have I got all that right?

A: What kind of tankie are you? I thought you said Assad was Stalin?

WS: What?

B: I’ll go get some more coffee…


Street Fights Continue Following TÖPG Declaration of People’s Republic of Hatay


İSKENDERUN, HATAY – Sporadic violence continues following the declaration on Râs is-Seni of the People’s Republic of Hatay, a breakaway state which has been declared taking advantage of the rest of Turkey’s attention being drawn towards Kurdistan by state massacres there. TÖPG, the largest organisation in Hatay and now the ruling party of the de facto republic, has ordered its forces only to respond with arms to armed threats, but provocation by MHP gangs have resulted in street brawls for days.

“Watan bülinmez!” shrieked a neighbourhood reis as he hurled himself towards a crowd emerging from the Halk Meclisi, only to limp off moments later, badly bruised.

Hatay, an island of democratic centralism in a sea of democratic confederalism, is not immune to spillover from Syria. The Syrian Social Nationalist Party has successfully put down roots in İskenderun. The SSNP has joined clashes with the MHP and TÖPG, in the hopes of establishing its own leather-jacketed street hegemony.

“We’re glad Hatay has been liberated from the Ottomans at last,” local SSNP militant Butros Çalışkan informed us. “But now these yellow bastards want to build some new soviet union in the Middle East. The people of Hatay have waited too long for a united Syria to have their hopes dashed now. We’re going to wipe out the communists and retake Cyprus. After that, wiping out ISIS and Israel should be easy.”

Local TÖPG comrades are confident that they have the support of the people of Hatay, and that the fascists will be quickly eliminated. “More and more volunteers are coming every day from Adana and Mersin,” we were informed. “But their Arabic is just the worst.”

KP’s Hatay section issued their customary condemnation of any nationalism other than Turkish nationalism, which read in part as follows:

“We may not have the biggest following in Hatay, but that’s because the workers down here aren’t conscious enough, as evidenced by their division of the Turkish working class, which around here happens to speak Arabic.”

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left


ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

Louis Proyect Rebuts Tariq Ali’s Fanciful Claims


NEW YORK – Responding to Tariq Ali’s reference to former French minister for Foreign Affairs Roland Dumas’s claims that the UK had been actively conspiring to overthrow Assad prior to the outbreak of the civil war, self-proclaimed “elderly Marxist with deep aversion to dictatorships, particularly the dictatorship of the proletariat” Louis Proyect laid down the law against tankie conspiracy-mongers like Ali:

“It really disappoints me that Tariq Ali is getting his information from Global Research. He should get his information from unilingual Anglophone New Yorkers like myself. Or the New York Times, who are known throughout the Arab world for their sympathetic and accurate editorial line on all Arab affairs.”

“If he would bother to do his research, Tariq Ali would know that the British government was once very friendly with Assad, just as Patrick Higgins pointed out in his Jacobin piece, which I loved.”

“You will recall that people like Tariq Ali also ignored the close relationship between Saddam Hussein and the US government back in 2003, and filled the internet with unfounded claims about some kind of US invasion of Iraq, which obviously never happened. Fortunately, the Iraqi people’s democratic will shone through the Russia Today-sponsored lies, the dictator was overthrown, and today the only threat to Iraq’s stability is the powerful Trotskyist movement there which is going to build a worker’s state any day now.”

Commenting on Tariq Ali’s view that, caught between the Assad regime and jihadists, whatever small number of moderate rebels there would effectively be forced into joining up with jihadist forces, Louis Proyect issued this masterful rebuttal: “This is not a new claim by Tariq Ali. He said the same thing on Russia Today in 2012. And we can all agree that since 2012, sectarian Islamist forces have not gained strength in Syria.”

The video concludes with Tariq Ali making some claims about funding for jihadist groups in Syria coming from Turkey or GCC states. Clearly this is the end of Tariq Ali’s career, as no leftist can expect to recover from something so embarrassing as accusing regimes with a history of killing Shi’ites and Alawites of sponsoring jihadist groups to kill more Shi’ites and Alawites.

US Anarchists and Liberals Celebrate Murray Bookchin, Leader of the Kurdish People


NEW YORK – This weekend, at an anarchist collective in Queens known as “the Headquarters”, a free event commemorating Murray Bookchin will reportedly take place. The event is being organised in collaboration with various liberal and anarchist-dominated student groups throughout the tri-state area to express their admiration for the work of Bookchin and their solidarity with the Kurdish struggle which he sacrificed so much to lead.

A statement read:

“Who is Murray Bookchin? He was born to a modest Kurdish family in New York, the son of Russian Kurdish immigrants. Through his sheer love of freedom and force of will, he singlehandedly transformed his party, the PKK, and the entire Kurdish struggle from evil Stalinists to ecological-feminist anarchists. It was Bookchin’s brave efforts that brought the movement to the heights of revolutionary success it enjoys today, and it is safe to say that he is also the individual who did the most in the fight against ISIS. A real American hero, we invite you all to join us in celebrating the life of Murray Bookchin.”

Reactions from Kurdistan ranged from anger to astonishment. KCK co-chair Cemil Bayık sighed when confronted with the statement during an interview with Med-Nûçe TV. He slid forward on his traditional plastic chair and shook his head in despair. “I don’t know why I even bother giving all these interviews if Bookchin’s just going to get all the credit.” he lamented.

Meanwhile, in Wan, a Kurdish activist named Rojda spoke with our correspondent over qaçax çay: “Who? Bûkşîn? Who’s that?”

A spokesperson for the UK SWP responded to our correspondent’s request for a comment thus: “See, this is why you can’t trust the Kurds. They were all Stalinists, well, I mean, they’re still all Stalinists, but some kind of mad anarcho-Stalinists. Also, they’re objectively agents of US and Russian imperialism. They’re agents of Russian imperialism because they insist that ISIS, and not Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria. Ridiculous. They’re agents of US imperialism because they have objectively done nothing to challenge US hegemony. If they were serious, they would read Tony Cliff and Callinicos, cut out all this business of leading the broad Kurdish masses and focus on polite and legal organisation of unionised industrial workers, and of course, declare the primary contradiction in Syria and Turkey to be Islamophobia. Maybe then they could earn our respect, and we might even consider them for IST membership. But in the meantime, I’m sorry, we just don’t take them seriously.”

Responses were also obtained from parties that haven’t lost the plot entirely. Our correspondent in Santiago de Chile enquired with local PC(AC) activists if there was a similar movement to commemorate Bookchin as a revolutionary leader whose work was now manifested in Rojava. “What? No.” snorted one young man with hippie-length hair. “Not that I like our anarchists, but I think they make them a special class of stupid in gringo countries.”

MLPD leader and standing German national weightlifting champion Stefan Engel send us a short message via WhatsApp stating: “ICOR is, as you know, organising solidarity brigades to Kobanê to assist in the reconstruction of the city. I will now propose a motion for sending intellectual solidarity brigades to the US to explain to the people there what’s going on in the world.” He concluded the message by adding 3 beer emojis, which presumably means that he was on or had just completed his third beer.

Britain Proposed “Lord Protector” Model for Syria


LONDON – Leaked documents from the recent Vienna talks on the future of Syria have shown British negotiators pushed for a radical solution to the conflict.

The files, posted on Wikileaks early Monday, appear to show that Britain had sought answers to Syria’s civil war by looking into its own history.

“What is clearly needed, as shown by recent and historical civil wars, is some form of ‘Lord Protector’ to emerge,” one speech reads.

“We put it to this conference that we should support a leader with strong religious values, support from all classes of society, and who is willing to act nationally and internationally for the good of his people.”

The recourse to history is no new innovation. British diplomats worldwide have long advocated the Northern Ireland solution to the Kurdish issue in Turkey, saying that they believe it is the only way that Protestant and Catholic Kurds will be able to get along in peace.

Similarly, Britain has long been in talks to help democratise Myanmar, though these recently stalled after the King of Holland refused to take part in a plan to take over the country.

The formal diplomatic proposals are accompanied by a series of cryptic margin notes.

Those on one page read as follows: “Execute King, Invade Ireland, Extreme Religion, Defeat Moderates, Ban Christmas.”

However, the delegation’s ultimate proposal appears never to have been made, presumably after the mood of the talks turned against it.

“Hence we propose that this conference do everything possible to support Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,” the hastily scribbled-out final conclusion reads.

In its place, the delegation had quickly come up with a paragraph about backing Syria’s “moderates”, with a circled note reading “politically correct bullshit”.

Defence Minister Michael Fallon was barely able to conceal his disappointment this morning, however, telling parliament that the moderate jihadists were “not a New Model Army”, “whereas al-Baghdadi is clearly Cromwell in the flesh.”

Responses were issued by the New Communist Party of Britain and the Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist). The NCP argued that the solution lay in the Syrian proletariat “voting Labour everywhere”, and announced that they would engage in a purge of their own members, for tradition’s sake. The CPGB(ML), meanwhile, gave its expected response:

“We couldn’t find a way to get any of the factions in Syria to rhyme with ‘same old story’, or any other dismissive witticism, but naturally whatever the British government proposes is indeed the same old story,” Harpal Brar informed the attentive British masses who hang on his every word. “We call on the British government to support Bashar al-Assad against the menace of British imperialism.”

Alexis Tsipras, Prime Minister of Germany, pointed out the similarity of Brar’s proposed strategy to Syriza’s actual strategy. “Will my brother in good hair also support our struggle against ourselves?” enquired Tsipras in a now publicly available e-mail exchange with Brar.

Brar’s response reads: “Nice try, Yorgo.”

For his part, Vladimir Putin, Tsar of all Russias from Belorussia to Prussia, proposed that Bashar al-Assad step down, to be replaced by Ramzan Kadyrov. Kadyrov’s duties in Chechnya would be taken on by Assad, and Putin himself would “just keep doin’ Putin.”

ISIS Unites with ISO in Struggle against Fascism


RAQQAH, SYRIA – In what could well be the tipping of the scales in the revolutionary struggle against Assad’s offensively non-Sunni regime, the most repressive in the Arab world according to all non-tankies, self-styled “Caliph of the Islamic State”, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed the existence of long-running negotiations with the ISO, and that these negotiations have resulted in a decision to unite into a single organisation.

“The Islamic State is no more! We are now the International Islamic Socialist State of Iraq and Syria: the IISSIS!” announced Joseph al-Combined and Uneven, the former ISO’s delegate to Raqqah and now “Emir of Lebanon”, sporting an impressive beard which apparently dates back to his ISO organising days in Brooklyn, when he lived in the hipster part of Williamsburg but attempted to organise in the Hispanic part of Williamsburg.

“This is the natural conclusion of our heroic, on-the-ground role in the Syrian Revolution®, which erupted in March 2011 after Bashar ‘Stalin’ al-Assad personally gunned down a million Syrians and their mothers twice for no reason. Stalinism, as exemplified by Bashar al-Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria, and is known by all the Syrians I’ve spoken to here in Raqqah to be the primary contradiction, not only in Syria, but in the world! Therefore, it is only right that we join a united front with all progressive forces in Syria, except those nationalist Kurds, and through this united front we have convinced the Syrian people to accept our correct line. Suck on that, Worker’s World!”

The “Syrian Revolution” has been denounced by the usual gang of National Bolsheviks who throughout history have supported dead-end petty bourgeois leaders like Ho Chi Minh and Thomas Sankara, and today ignore the real and really revolutionary revolutions in Ukraine and Syria. However, these elements only make up the majority in stupid poor countries. They are outnumbered in countries where, thanks to the full and proper development of the proletariat, the contradictions are at their sharpest, such as Britain or France. These bloodthirsty Assad-worshippers have made up stories of sectarian attacks on Alawites, despite all available evidence pointing to only the most powerful, well-funded and numerically significant elements of the Arab opposition holding explicitly anti-Alawite views.

“Our statisticians on the ground in Beirut report that fewer than 100% of active militias fighting Assad demand a Sunni theocracy built on the mass murder of all Alawites is a desirable goal,” reported Haydar Abdurrahim, an analyst working in London for a Qatari-funded Human Rights organisation. “So really, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Rebecca al-Fa’s, an IISSIS comrade from Boston, agreed: “Every day the reality of the Syrian Revolution becomes more clear to the entire world, except for tankies, that is to say, those to whom the reality is not clear.”

“The Islamic State’s conversion to revolutionary socialism is living proof that petty bourgeois white Anglo university students in imperialist countries armed with our encyclopedic knowledge of our own overpriced pamphlets, and knowledge of exactly one regional language if you count English, can win over even the most stubborn reactionaries. When we spoke to grassroots ISIS activists over Skype about the unity declaration, it became clear that the move towards radical progressive politics was driven from below as a direct result of ISO activists winning over rank-and-file jihadists to the shining path of socialism, eventually compelling the petty bourgeois leadership to submit to the masses.”

“Furthermore, notice that despite all their support, the Spartacist League could never totally convince ISIS. That’s because they support North Korea. Hatred of North Korea is the key to the masses. Remember this and do not forget.”

“Naturally we still believe it is our duty to cleanse all Muslim lands of filthy infidels, whose blood and women are halal for us,” said activist aid worker “Muawiyah Al Tunisi”. “One day, after I had performed my daily quota of beheadings, I was approached by a young man from America who asked if I’d like to buy a magazine. He told me I was being exploited by my bosses who generated surplus value from all my beheadings, so we created workers councils to distribute the head-chopping work evenly,” said the young activist who was oppressed for decades by Assad’s diabolical regime, despite being a Tunisian national who arrived in Syria for the first time in 2012.

“Whenever ISIS activists would talk about wanting to slaughter the Alawites, Christians, and Druze, this is because they represent the oppressed Sunni masses who suffered for decades under a sectarian Alawite regime that forced them to believe that Syrians from all sects are equal,” explained Rebecca al-Fa’s.

“Oh the daily oppression!” lamented “Abu Omar al-Uthman”, a Syrian activist who returned in 2012 after living in exile for two decades, “my family owned half the land in Hama before the Baathist kuffar took over,” he said, wiping away his tears with wads of Saudi banknotes that kept falling out of his pockets, “they took most of it away in the name of this ‘land reform’ nonsense…”

“We explained to him that what he suffered under wasn’t real socialism but state capitalism – his eyes lit up and he signed our membership form straight away. Endless appeals to a fantasy socialism as the solution to all worldly problems has a shocking appeal among religious fanatics. Plus, as ISIS argues against Islamism in one country, similarly, we oppose socialism in one country. We both advocate chaos in the name of radical change, regardless of the objective consequences, so long as the result benefits US foreign policy. These common theoretical views laid the foundation for our now-realised unity in practice!”

Asked about plans for the future, Rebecca al-Fa’s was optimistic: “Given how incredibly progressive, moderate, and secular the FSA is, we’re sure they’re going to unite with us next! Revolution forever!”

Doğu Perinçek Champions Amnesty International Report


ANKARA – Following the release of a controversial report by Israel’s favourite Human Rights organisation, Amnesty International, on alleged destruction of Arab villages by PYD forces, known piece of shit Doğu Perinçek, chair of the Vatan Partisi (Homeland Party), released a video statement condemning the PYD’s “crimes against Turkey”.

“The PYD is trying to divide Turkey by killing Syrian Arabs. They’re committing genocide against the Syrian Arabs and they’re doing it because they’re agents of the Americans. Amnesty International are also agents of the Americans, but this time they’re right, because since the Russians are now supporting the PYD, that means that the rules of the game have changed, and Amnesty International must also be agents of the Russians, and therefore objective.”

Amnesty International has called on the PYD, and no one else in Syria, to pay compensation to their alleged victims. In a not at all suspiciously timed video, the PYD is accused of systematic destruction of Arab villages which are simultaneously “far from the fighting” and covered in ISIS placards, simply because they are Arab, and also perhaps because of political collaboration with the totally secular and progressive forces of the not-at-all sectarian FSA. Doğu Perinçek continued with his analysis:

“The AKP was talking about PYD genocide against the Palestinians, or Syrians, or whatever, months ago. This shows how trustworthy the information is. The people who disagree with the AKP are all agents of the Americans, unlike the AKP, which is fighting for Turkey’s sovereignty against the forces of the deep state, as everyone understood during the Ergenekon trials.”

At this point in the video, Perinçek looks off-camera, as if he has received a signal, says “Okay”, and then turns back to the camera and says: “Except when we say they’re not, of course.”

After a few more suitably self-contradictory statements, Perinçek concluded by announcing “Long live Marxism-Leninism-Deng Xiaoping Thought!” , raising his hand instinctively into a wolf gesture, and then quickly self-correcting to a clenched fist.

Reaction from the actual Turkish left was swift, with groups ranging in their views from ESP to BDSP, and in size from EMEP to TÖPG, issuing response statements condemning Perinçek’s words, “indeed, almost all words he’s ever spoken”. Grup Munzur released a song entitled “Comrade İbrahim was Right, Comrades”, which contains the following stirring lines:

In Diyarbakır prison, Comrade İbrahim was tortured.

That Doğu Perinçek was a traitor, he knew before anyone.

As Comrade İbrahim lay dying, said he:

“I was the one who hated Perinçek first.”

Even Islamic liberation theologian İhsan Eliaçık issued a statement, including within it his feelings on the recent bombing in Ankara:

“That we live in a world where over a hundred good-hearted people can have their lives taken away like that, in the middle of Ankara, while Doğu Perinçek is allowed to live… Well, to be honest, it’s caused me to question my faith in God.”

Surprisingly, even the arch-tirşikçî KP condemned Perinçek’s rhetoric as “divisive”. A representative of the KP, Ömer Akbıyık, had this to say:

“We condemn Perinçek’s naked attempts at currying favour with the AKP government by parroting the propaganda claims of the imperialists. But what can you expect from a reformist party like Vatan Partisi? They are not serious revolutionaries like us. All they ever do is run their small party in elections and make grand statements about what they would do if they were in power, which they obviously never will be, accusing all other political actors of left deviationism for any tactics which actually command the respect of any sizeable portion of the proletariat. It’s clear that any party like that are mere agents of the Turkish state meant to distract the Turkish left from its historic mission of building socialism in Turkey.”

Confusingly, the other half of the TKP split, HTKP, released their own statement saying that their members were free to agree with Perinçek or Akbıyık, then condemning the first statement as liberal and calling for the purging of all members who agreed with Perinçek, who are expected to form their own party, HVP, later this week.

FSA Cheerleaders: Jacobin is Baathist Propaganda

RightistsforFSANEW YORK CITY – FSA-worshipping Trotskyists are expressing outrage on Facebook and reportedly readying an adorable petition against Jacobin for publishing a summary piece about Syria entitled “the War on Syria” by one Patrick Higgins.

“This piece is Baathist propaganda, pure and simple. Jacobin should be jailed.” wrote Thomas Polanski, a New York-based veteran activist whose Facebook cover photo consists of members of the supposedly powerful Vietnamese Trotskyist movement that once existed, along with some text condemning Ho Chi Minh.

The piece, which accuses the Baath party of former collaboration with the US due to their mutual anti-communist interests, and contains a glowing appraisal of the Kurdish national liberation movement in Syria, has been judged to be deeply offensive regime propaganda by Facebook-active academic revolutionaries in top graduate programmes across the United States.

“Who’s Patrick Higgins? More like Assadrick Baathiggins, am I right?” read another deeply informed comment, posted by one Janet Smith, a young activist affiliated with “Solidarity” in Los Angeles.

Several “tankies” attempted to defend the piece, but were quickly shut down by the fierce and revolutionary rhetoric of bourgeois Trotskyists defending armed forces affiliated with the NATO/GCC-created SNC, whose leadership is unelected.

“Oh sure… [Higgins] defends the Kurds, and also talks the way Syrian Kurds talk about the situation in Syria, but he’s clearly a propagandist for the Arab nationalist Baath party and doesn’t really understand Syria the way I do from reading my party’s newspaper and watching pro-US news sources.” said Polanski.

“The Syrian Revolution is real. If I keep saying that, it’s true. There are no Islamists in Syria outside of ISIS. The FSA are all feminist secularist socialists who read Trotsky in their spare time. Anyone who says Assad is no worse than the Arab opposition is a tankie.” Smith wrote.

“What we really need is to put them in touch with like the five Syrian ‘activists’ I know, huddled in fear in their apartments, in the middle of a civil war.”

MLPD chairman Stefan Engel responded to the controversy: “So the Spartacist League likes ISIS, and the rest of the Trotskyites like the FSA? They are bending over backwards to avoid Rojava, aren’t they?”

Syrian president Bashar al-Assad praised Higgins’s piece as a perfect representation of his own assessment of Syria, and outlined his plans for an invasion of Czechoslovakia later this year, assisted by the PYD, provided his plans are not foiled by angry Facebook posts.

Spartacist League Forms Syrian Battalion in Support of ISIS

ispartRAQQAH, SYRIA – Marking the first time since the Bolivian National Revolution that Trotskyists have rallied in armed defence of their values, members of the Spartacist League of Britain have travelled to “the Caliphate” in order to defend ISIS from “imperialism”.

The formation of the so-called “Hammer Battalion” follows an announcement earlier this week of Spartacist League support for ISIS military victory.

“I can’t wait to have a chance to go to the slave market, I’m going to buy a 10-year-old Yazidi girl. They’re imperialist stooges”, explained “Abu-Bakr al-Permanenti”.

His comrade, “Haydar al-Fourthinterationali”, was selling newspapers on a Raqqah street corner when he agreed to speak with us about the experience thus-far.

“We’ve been having some trouble with ISIS’s line on North Korea, but mostly we’re in agreement. We both hate the Soviet Union and the US with a rage that could be characterised as ‘blinding’, we both believe in some perfect worldwide moment of enormous change that many others from similar backgrounds characterise as ‘fanatical’, and of course, we both enjoy raping small children.”

“Muhammad al-Britani”, another UK volunteer who directly joined ISIS last year to take part in the fight against the PYD and Assad, a clear-cut anti-imperialist struggle if ever there was one, discussed the integration of the new Trotskyist battalion.

“We’re actually learning a lot from them. They told us all about how they agree Stalin was a senseless murderer, and about Kronstadt”, reported “al-Britani”, declaring his “new-found respect for the Jewish infidel, Trotsky”.

However, a senior ISIS source has hinted that not everyone in the movement is supportive of the group’s actions: “They spend more time condemning others for not being ISIS enough than actually fighting. Three of our best men were killed last month in a fight over whether the Soviet Union was a ‘deformed’ or ‘degenerated’ worker’s state.”

Responding to the widespread belief among the UK Left that the usually provocative Spartacist League had gone altogether too far this time, battalion leader “Uthman bin Stephen” had this to say: “ISIS is fighting US imperialism, the greatest threat to the people of Syria, including the Kurds who they are bent on destroying. The PYD, on the other hand, have always been under Washington’s command, and that’s why Washington rewarded them with control of Northern Iraq after the 2003 invasion.”

An attempt at correction was rebuffed: “Oh that’s the KDP? Look, a Kurd’s a Kurd. You ever see a Kurd fighting Israel? Didn’t think so. Even if it’s just taking some guns, their objective role is clear, expanding US power and influence, same as Assad.”

“Oh, Assad’s with Russia? Well, they should stop fighting him.”

Losing patience, our driver pointed out that ISIS was fighting Assad, and the PYD had declared their willingness to work with Assad under the right conditions, and had been in touch with Moscow. “Bin Stephen” was unmoved.

“Look, the point is, this is quite edgy shit. I’ve really pissed off my Labour-voting relatives with this. I’m not gonna go supporting some left-wing national liberation movement allied with communists in Turkey fighting Islamists, because that might actually cause British people who don’t burn US flags in their free time to feel sympathy for socialism.”

A joint response was issued by the MLKP, the MKP, and the TKP/ML: “As anti-revisionists from Turkey/North Kurdistan, we’ve never actually had to speak to a Trotskyite in real life. We finally understand why we’re supposed to hate them now.”