Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

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QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

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“No, we see your point,” explained our host, politely. “His analysis of international relations IS good, but I don’t think we’ll be converting the entire party to Shi’a Islam on the basis of that alone.”

“We’re recording,” interrupted the Yank. “Read the statement.”

“COMRADES!” began a bearded comrade with an obnoxious English accent, drops of butter tea dripping down his moustache, “We, the central committee of Worker’s Spatula, the rebel base of Marxist-Leninist internet irony, are here in a mountain camp in Bhutan, in solidarity with the local Gonzalists and their popular war against Bhutanese happiness! MABUHAY!”

“Down with mirth! Fuck joy!” interrupted one of the guerrillas in the back.

2016 marked the first full calendar year of Worker’s Spatula activity. Despite a generally pessimistic mood in some corners, in many ways, we count this past year as a success: We successfully defended Jeremy Corbyn against the Blairites, we defeated Hillary Clinton through our accelerationist agent, the Donald, and we sold a few t-shirts.

Per our original self-description, we take no responsibility for the many setbacks the world revolutionary movement has suffered over the course of the past year. Further, we are responsible for all progressive motion and unity among the revolutionary masses and their vanguard. So one would think we have no room for self-criticism, but we do. And not only because we’re being hosted by Maoists.

First of all, during our New Year’s self-criticism last year, we promised video propaganda. We did produce one low quality video, and wrote two or three others, but we made the grievous error of trusting the Yanks with video production duties. Needless to say, we should’ve known from Hollywood that the US is the last country you can put your faith in for quality video work. Hopefully and إن شاء الله, 2017 permits us to produce those and other videos for your viewing enjoyment.

More importantly, if we’re perfectly honest with ourselves, Worker’s Spatula is altogether too accessible to people who don’t spend all day reading ROL newsletters and founding documents of Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups from the 80s and 90s. We are simply not weird and obscure enough. Sometimes we even catch anarchists reading our work. It’s extremely disheartening to see, and represents clear evidence of some deviation from the correct line handed down to us from the prophet Vladimir Lenin (SAW).

Prepare for a new year which is more brutal, more dialectical, and more materialist. Prepare for jokes that Die Linke people won’t get, and GegenStandpunkt will hate themselves for chuckling at. We’re going to make jokes about Hegel and Gramsci and Left Communism, we’re going to talk about the THKPC-MLSPB instead of the MLKP, and we’re basically going to make 90% of our readers and 50% of our own staff declare the Spatula to be a hateful, unreadable mess barely worth mentioning.

We’re going to make the RCPB-ML look like the fucking CPB.

And yet somehow we’re going to keep gaining followers, because this is the internet, and quality and quantity keep transforming into each other in the ways we least expect.

In this spirit, we call on all of you to make a New Year’s resolution with us: MAKE YOUR RESOLUTION, REVOLUTION. Resolve to join Worker’s Spatula in our regular reading of revolutionary texts, the Spatula Reading Group, and become part of the process of our interventions in practical politics by responding to them!

On the first and fifteenth of every month, we’re going to assign a different revolutionary text for collective reading. It may be from the Marxist-Leninist canon, or perhaps it will be Hegel, but we will provide a link to the text online.

We want you, the readers, to write a one-page summary, or response with your reactions, preferably in terms of how you were able to relate the reading to the material conditions in which you are doing revolutionary politics. Through this online reading and recontextualising, you will be taking part in the dialectic that underlies Worker’s Spatula. You can push the spiral upwards! Push it! Push it good! Push it real good!

Taking part in this campaign is a great way to improve your Marxist reading and help expand Worker’s Spatula’s collective consciousness of the theoretical and practical struggles in your life. We encourage all to take part, and to e-mail us at mastursublator [at] gmail.com

Finally, in spite of whatever setbacks may loom large in your sight, we hope all comrades will cling tight to hope and struggle on to great victories in the new year! In particular, we hail Oscar Temaru’s inevitable victory in the upcoming French presidential elections. When the power of the Spatula and the revolutionary masses are united, miracles are possible! We are right, we will win!

WORKER’S AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Upon completing the reading of the statement, all present raised their Kalashnikovs skywards and fired into the heavens whilst the Yank screamed: “DIALECTICS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”