Shock as DSA Establishes Fraternal Relations with CPC

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NEW YORK CITY/TWITTER: The US left is reeling in the aftermath of DSA’s announcement that, following their decision to leave the so-called “Socialist International”, they have established fraternal relations with the revisionist Communist Party of China.

“After internal debate, we are entering into fraternal relations with our comrades of the CPC. Socialist China is a beacon to the world and a shining example of what we want to establish in America, only without going through the tankie Maoist phase,” said DSA spokesperson and self described “Dengist Harringtonite” Brendan O’Grady.

“We want Socialism with Chinese Characteristics, only instead it’s Socialism with American Characteristics. There’s no real difference between the two, only instead of mass unemployment and environmental degradation being masked by singing ‘March of the Volunteers’, we’ll sing ‘This Land is Your Land’” added O’Grady.

The Revolutionary Organisation of Labor, the US ICOR affiliate and chief source of Marxist entryism into the DSA, released the following statement:

At the current stage, we have to accept this embrace of Chinese revisionism as a step forwards for the proletariat of the US (North) oppressor nation. Viewing Chinese social imperialism as a model deserves harsh criticism, but the objective conditions are such that anything that can stand in the way of warmongering against the DPRK is progressive. Further, it is our hope that by passing through the Three Worlds Theory, we might eventually be able to steer the DSA towards Marxism-Leninism.

But let’s give the kids some credit, they’re moving pretty quick. They’re kicking out cops and they support Chokwe Antar Lumumba. Remember when we thought the best we could hope for was Sanders?

Less critical self-identified Marxist-Leninists in the US, particularly those found on Twitter, were thrown into confusion by these developments, which pitted their uncritical love of red flags against their uncritical hatred of practical politics in their own country:

“DSA is a bunch of petty bourgeois cop lovers! How could they support China? How could China support them?” asked a confused @BeriasT34.

“DSA has broken with imperialism. Long live DSA, long live Socialist China” @NKVDfan replied, adding a rose emoji to his Twitter name.

“It’s another psyop, everything’s a psyop,” opined @DaddyStalin.

“Except me”, he hastily added in a follow-up tweet.

At time of press, the Bolşevik Parti of Turkey and North Kurdistan (one of the country’s three ICOR affiliates) had released a twenty-page analysis of the DSA and the YDS, comparing the former to TİP and the RSDLP, and the latter to DevGenç and the Bolsheviki. The long screed ended by imploring the “rebel youth” of the DSA to send a representative to meet them in Germany to coordinate declarations. Fellow Turkish ICOR affiliate TİKB have reportedly sent an enquiry to the YDS Twitter page enquiring about coordinating armed struggle.

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Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

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LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”.

“Figen” Most Popular Girls’ Name in Küçük Armutlu for 2015

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İSTANBUL – Following the shocking news, first published in the widely-read Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist newspaper Toplumsal Özgürlük, that “Figen” topped the list of most popular names for baby girls in Küçük Armutlu for 2015, the DHKP-C has stepped up its attacks on the HDP, ESP, and all other opportunist traitors.

“We don’t want people to think this is pure political sectarianism. It’s also partially religious sectarianism. Nobody should think we haven’t noticed a change in the Turkish left lately: A lot of Circassians running around with the MLKP. You ever seen a Circassian in a cemevi? Neither have I. But I’ve seen a lot of Circassian police…” we were informed by “Ali”, a member of an unnamed leftist group who spoke to us on the condition that we buy tickets to a Grup Yorum concert.

“Of course, it’s also political sectarianism. We are very sectarian. If I meet any of these traitorous infant girls who dared to be named Figen… a calamity will come to her head.”

Representatives from EMEP attempted to make peace between the ESP and the Grup Yorum fans, however, this only made matters worse.

“SUNNIS! ALBANIANS!” screamed masked young men who hurled petrol bombs at the quickly retreating anti-revisionist contingent. “PARLIAMENTARIANS!”

Selma Gürkan turned to Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent as they ducked behind a corner to avoid a volley of fireworks. “You see what we have to deal with, don’t you? We try to be principled, we try to build up popular fronts, and we get attacked by everyone no matter what we do. Can you believe we’re still at this level of sectarianism?”

“I dunno,” replied our correspondent. “I mostly read Alınteri.”

At press time, the so-called “Popular Front” had restored some semblance of order in the neighbourhood and chased out all the bad people who take part in electoral struggle. A fatwa was issued by local dede Hasan Hüseyinoğlu:

So as to prevent further strife in our community, henceforth all newborn girls must be named with a name chosen from the following list: Mahire.

We are right, we will win.

Turkish Left Making Enormous Mistakes, Opines US Trotskyist

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BOSTON – Local Trotskyist and PhD student Chris Milano managed to corner his classmate and Alınteri enthusiast Deniz Yıldırım at a get-together at a local Boston bar this evening to inform him of the great theoretical and practical deficiencies of the Turkish left, as viewed from the vantage point of Milano’s experience as an organiser for the ISO.

No, that was the joke.

Joint Statement by the German Left Denouncing “Adventurism”

BERLIN – At a press conference in Berlin today, several organisations of the German left came together to release a joint statement denouncing “adventurism”. In an unprecedented case of left unity, the German Communist Party (DKP), Die Linke (The Left), the movementist Interventionistische Linke, as well as various Trotskyist groups denounced every attempt of using militancy in pursuing socialism. “It just doesn’t work,” said the DKP representative at the press conference. “I mean, have you seen a successful revolution in Germany throughout the last decades? No, you haven’t. So we’ve got to end this and find a new strategy.”

The spokeswoman of Interventionistische Linke added: “We fully agree with our slightly Stalinist comrade. Or were they bureaucratic reformists? It doesn’t matter, we are now objectively on the same side. See, we have seen all these protest movements in Southern Europe that turned violent. We get it, the people are angry, as they are impoverished by German politics. But they can’t simply attack police officers or occupy open squares. At the same time, we cannot simply confront the German state because of its politics. I mean, there is democracy here, so we have to participate in elections and hope the German people elect us, so we can end austerity politics. Sorry, friends in the South, these are the rules.”

Upon being asked if the Interventionistische Linke wasn’t in fact a movement-oriented organisation that did not particularly focus on electoral politics, she responded: “Sure, that’s the historical subjective difference, but there’s no objective difference between what we are and leftist groups that don’t get elected. So you know, we just follow trends now. For example: ever since Syriza, we’ve decided we want to be the German Syriza. Our members are all presently working on modifying their appearance and mannerisms to resemble Tsipras. We’ve already got the bad English down, now we’re raising money for plastic surgery so that all our members, men and women, will physically resemble him.”

Further statements from other groups were scarce. Katja Kipping, co-chair of Die Linke said: “Our politics have always been non-confrontational and cowardly, so this isn’t really a new position for us. We love calling everyone ‘adventurist’. We have nothing to add.” While a joint delegate of various Trotskyist groups added: “We, as Trotskyists, are always with the people. The German people today are in their great majority boring petty bourgeois hacks. And so are we.”

After the press conference a small tumult broke out among the Trotskyist groups, because while the one delegate was speaking as agreed upon by all the other groups, several groups changed their minds about the proper procedure. After the fight (itself repeatedly condemned as “adventurist” by its participants while they were delivering blows to their rivals), the representative of NAO (New Anticapitalist Organisation) spoke to us: “No, we all agreed on the message. But we discussed who should present it up until the very last minute. Then the press conference began and we sent the one guy up, but continued discussing the procedure backstage, per our understanding of democratic centralism. That’s how the confusion arose.” Asked if the issue had now been settled once and for all, he responded: “I really doubt it, that wouldn’t be consistent with our overall political line.”

Stefan Engel, the leader of the MLPD, the only notable absent figure of the left in Germany, said the following while drinking in a Bavarian beerhouse with one of our correspondents: “You know what Lenin said about German revolutionaries, right? About how they buy a ticket before occupying a train station? Well, there you have it. The only alternative is my party, the MLPD, and that the downtrodden German peasants will recognise the correctness of our line and join our ranks in masses. We are just months away from declaring an open protracted people’s war on the German state.”

International reactions to the shocking announcement were mixed. A joint response by Marxist parties from Turkey including EMEP, BDSP, Devrimci Parti, SYKP, SODAP and TÖPG read: “Fuck the German left.” The MKP, TKP/ML, Bolşevik Parti, TİKB, and MLKP issued a separate statement that noted it was in full agreement with the aforementioned statement while adding the caveat: “Except the MLPD and our comrade Stefan Engel, the only hope for the fucking Germans.”

Joma Sison, founder of the Communist Party of the Philippines, released a video message on his Facebook page in which he spoke for approximately 15 minutes about Chairman Mao and the great struggle of the CPP-NPA before asking the viewer “So, what was the topic of my message again?” Answering himself, he said: “That’s right, the Germans have done it again. They are Germans, what else is there to say? My good friend Stefan Engel is German and he is not German, but an internationalist at the same time. That is why he is not like them. Also note that this is a prime example of Maoist dialectics.”

Sison then repeated the word “dialectics” intermittently every few seconds for two minutes before the video abruptly stopped.

Didi Zach of the Communist Party of Austria (KPÖ) addressed the issue at his 11 o’clock beer breakfast, where he stated: “We feel a little bit insulted. Why did they not ask us to participate? I am absolutely sure that we would have managed to create a wonderful alliance representing Greater Germany on this issue. I mean, ‘the German speaking world’, or how do you say that these days? You know what? Let’s go with ‘Greater Germany’. After all, our sole mission is to expel everything the old KPÖ stood for from our party and as it was the only party defending the Austrian nation against the ‘Greater Germany’ concept, I think that’s the concept we’ll follow.”