HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

akademisyenler

ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”

 

TKP Name Contested Again, Zuckerberg Weighs In

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İSTANBUL – Following over two years of increasing distance between the originally relatively amicable split in the revisionist organisation that was at the time simply referred to as the TKP (Communist Party of Turkey), tensions have flared up between KP (Communist Party, which would usually append “Turkey”, mostly to remind Kurds that they were the anti-Kurdish group formerly known as TKP, and not the tiny Kaypakkayacı outfit known as KP-İÖ) and the HTKP (People’s Communist Party of Turkey, known for having less people), following the latter’s announcement that they would be reclaiming the name TKP for themselves.

The former HTKP have legitimised their decision to declare themselves TKP without consulting KP by stating that the latter had been engaged in secret talks with the state regarding reclaiming the name. Knowing KP, who are constantly engaged in talks with the state about how to be as against Kurdish nationalism as possible, this is indeed likely. HTKP have backed up their decision by registering themselves with a far more legitimate source: Facebook.

Zuckerberg was ambushed for comment at a local Chinese restaurant where he was enjoying his Christmas dinner: “As a Brezhnevite myself, obviously I’m deeply concerned with these developments. It is Facebook’s official position that HTKP is now the legitimate Communist Party of Turkey. Erkan Baş is a dear comrade, and I will stand with him against any force on Earth. Now can I finish my 三杯雞?”

However, other forces have aligned behind the KP, with the TKH claiming that the HTKP’s move was “opportunist”, “infantile”, and “revisionist” [Editor’s note: ???].

Reaction from Dersim, the most communist place on Earth, however, may indicate that the KP is outnumbered. DHF-affiliated “TKP” mayor Maçoğlu tweeted a multi-part reaction which said: “When I was elected communist mayor of this municipality, there was a TKP whose name we were using, and that was fine at the time. But I had since gotten used to the TKP’s split meaning that it was obvious even to İzmir kids that I was some kind of Maoist. If they’re going to fight over who gets to be the TKP, and I have to choose a side, I guess I’ll go with Erkan Baş’s side, just because of our shared top quality moustaches, and because he’s the only nice person to affiliate with ‘TKP’ in decades.”

With Hüseyin Karabulut remaining silent as of press time, no neutral arbiter could be found within the Brezhenvite camp to resolve this conundrum, and multiple voices from the associated Turkish left merely contradict one another. Worker’s Spatula, the only objective news source covering the world revolutionary movement, could not let down our loyal readers without resolving the important question as who will be the heirs to the name associated with Mustafa Suphi. Our German correspondents got a hold of Stefan Engel, who was already extremely drunk on account of all the Christmas, but managed to slur out a German saying which we are to believe was intended as a kind of Nostradamic prophecy:

“Wenn zwei sich streiten freut sich der Dritte!”

The dialectic, which reveals itself through German expressions slurred out by a drunk Stefan Engel, has therefore revealed that TKP-1920 are to be the official heirs to Mustafa Suphi’s TKP legacy. HTKP is to join TÖPG and the KP is to rename itself Vatan Partisi (Marxist-Leninist).

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite! And Merry Christmas!

First Foreign Production of Hamilton a Hit

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ANTAKYA, PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF HATAY – The atmosphere was tense at the sell-out premiere tonight of the first-ever foreign production of the Broadway hit Hamilton in Antakya in southern Turkey (more specifically in the de facto independent People’s Republic of Hatay). Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent and TÖPG militant, [REDACTED], received a special invitation from director Cem Karagün to see how the magic was made:

WS: You must be very excited to have brought this musical to Turkey. What inspired you to do it?

CK: Well, after we heard it had played such an important role in taking down the Obama government, it was a natural next step to bring it here and see if it could do the same thing.

WS: I see. So how did you manage to get hold of the rights?

CK: Our next step was to ask our sister organisation in the US to help us out. They found out that one of the cleaners at the theatre was a member of a Trotskyite sect, but rather than have him ice-axed, they traded him a newspaper subscription for copies of the script and sheet music.

WS: And how have the people of Armutlu responded to the musical?

CK: We’ve had an overwhelming response, really. From the moment that Hamilton witnesses the glories of Castro’s revolution in Cuba as a child. to his shooting in the back by the imperialists during a kind of Communist version of the Sheikh Said rebellion, people are jumping out of their seats and ululating. Before you know it, they had stormed a nearby police station and were passing the weapons out to anyone who would take them – and this is just the first night.

WS: It’s fair to say you’ve made a few tweaks to adjust the musical to the local political culture?

CK: Well yes, of course. People here don’t really respond particularly well to extended discussions about constitutional matters, but they did appreciate the insistence that armed struggle and revolution were the solution to contemporary problems. So we adjusted it to focus on that point.

WS: Some here have found the inclusion of a rapping Asian-American Mahir Çayan to be controversial.

CK: That’s the best bit.

WS: Well, congratulations on your successful transfer of the musical, wishing you many successes!

CK: Long live the popular front and the revolution! Long live President Assad! Long live Hamilton!

Turkey Condemns Violence Against Anti-Trump Protesters

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ANKARA – Following news of multiple shooting deaths of peaceful anti-Trump protesters in multiple cities across the United States, the Turkish Ministery of Foreign Affairs has condemned the United States’ disproportionate use of force against peaceful protesters.

Additionally, a travel warning has been issued to Turkish citizens in the US, advising them to return to the safety and stability of Turkey in 2016.

Across Turkey, MHP thugs in the process of beating Kurds in the street paused from their daily activities to comment on how this demonstrated the now 100% MHP-approved AKP government had finally restored Turkey to its rightful place in the family of nations.

“That sünnetsiz Trump is already brutalising his own citizens, in the same country that has for years tried to intervene in our democracy,” opined one Ahmet Bozkurt, referring to the years of CIA funding to his party and other right-wing forces of Turkish fascism which had suppressed the Kurdish national movement and various communist organisations.

Flipping his tespih with one hand while using the other to hold down Ali Savaş – a helpless Kurdish worker who had come to Bozkurt’s native Trabzon to feed his impoverished Mêrdîn family – Bozkurt continued: “This’ll really tell the west to stop meddling in our affairs and using their so-called ‘human rights’ against us and no other country.”

“İnsan olmayan Kürtlerin insan hakları yok ki,” he concluded, landing another blow to the worker’s face.

İzmir police officer and longtime MHP-voter Hakan Top agreed: “There’s definitely no difference in the level of repression of protests between our countries, they only hate us because we’re Muslims.”

“They’re all Kurd-lovers too,” he added, before pepper-gassing the interior of his police truck, which contained a sixteen-year-old girl affiliated with TÖPG youth wing Liseli Kıvılcım, as well two youngsters affiliated with the SGDF.

“The days of double standards are over,” explained Mardin native and state-appointed cleric Abdullah Çelikçioğlu. “In the old days, the US would invade Arab countries to fight people they called terrorists, and when Turkey did the same thing… I dunno what happened actually, but now presumably nothing will happen.”

MHP sources are still divided as to whether protesting Trump is actually desirable, with most insisting on “waiting to see where Trump stands on Kurds” before forming any opinion whatsoever.

TKP/ML Doing Pretty Good, Report Other Groups in Turkey

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İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – An informal survey of various communists in Istanbul confirms that TKP/ML, the illegal Marxist-Leninist and/or Maoist party founded by İbrahim Kaypakkaya (following a split with Doğu Perinçek for being just the worst kind of revisionist) is “not doing half-bad lately, actually”.

“I don’t just mean that compared to the arch-sectarian RIM cultists in MKP, either,” said a representative of the DKP, speaking on condition of mentioning how fashionable his trainers looked. “They’re genuinely making good moves in Istanbul lately. Despite their wacky ‘People’s War’ in Dersim making them look like they’re still all kırdan şehre, I guess they are actually trying to reestablish relevance among the urban proletariat.

“Good for them” he concluded.

“The new songs are quite good, much better than ours,” confessed a representative of the MLKP, speaking through her Circassian-Turkish interpreter. “Not that it matters, since we can listen to anything the Kurds put out, but I’ll listen to that one about the homeland being a sea of blood. Goddamn Maoists know how to sing a tune, you know?”

Even cadres from the Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist party TÖPG were complimentary: “If I was going to join an illegal party, it wouldn’t be my first choice,” said Fatma Kübra, one of their top cadres in Hatay. “But it also wouldn’t be my last choice? İbo was certainly more handsome than Deniz and Mahir. If I had to be waving around some dead man’s face for the rest of my life, I’d prefer it was him.”

“But Mao was quite ugly,” she added. “So that’s a minus. This is but one of many reasons why our party-initiative doesn’t have a bunch of dead men’s faces on flags.”

Not all Turkish communists agreed that the partisan forces of Comrade İbo were on the right track again. One of Worker’s Spatula’s own central committee members and proper EMEP man if ever there was one, [REDACTED], insisted that those elements impressed by the worker-peasant army were “betraying their petty bourgeois mentality” through their “fetishisation” of “this narodnik cult”.

DSİP cadres were similarly dismissive: “I don’t see how anyone can respect parties like that that hide behind the successes of an allied left group, in this case the Kurdish movement,” explained one “Levent Saygun”. “Unrelated, if you’re off to London, can you tell Callinicos his cheque was late again?”

Stefan Engel, who has been too busy with organisational details of this year’s ICOR Oktoberfest celebration in Bezirk Suhl, did finally pick up his phone to give his feedback on TKP/ML’s progress: “You know I’ve always liked them, I’ve always had faith they would do well in terms of… just a second… ARE THOSE SAUSAGES HALAL?… Yes, sorry. The issue is, they won’t join ICOR. I invited them, trust me. I invite them once a year. But they won’t join unless we explicitly take the line of Mao over Hoxha, which… I’m with the Kurds on this, in Turkey, you want to be on good terms with Hoxhaists.”

UPDATE: They fucked it all up again.

“Figen” Most Popular Girls’ Name in Küçük Armutlu for 2015

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İSTANBUL – Following the shocking news, first published in the widely-read Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist newspaper Toplumsal Özgürlük, that “Figen” topped the list of most popular names for baby girls in Küçük Armutlu for 2015, the DHKP-C has stepped up its attacks on the HDP, ESP, and all other opportunist traitors.

“We don’t want people to think this is pure political sectarianism. It’s also partially religious sectarianism. Nobody should think we haven’t noticed a change in the Turkish left lately: A lot of Circassians running around with the MLKP. You ever seen a Circassian in a cemevi? Neither have I. But I’ve seen a lot of Circassian police…” we were informed by “Ali”, a member of an unnamed leftist group who spoke to us on the condition that we buy tickets to a Grup Yorum concert.

“Of course, it’s also political sectarianism. We are very sectarian. If I meet any of these traitorous infant girls who dared to be named Figen… a calamity will come to her head.”

Representatives from EMEP attempted to make peace between the ESP and the Grup Yorum fans, however, this only made matters worse.

“SUNNIS! ALBANIANS!” screamed masked young men who hurled petrol bombs at the quickly retreating anti-revisionist contingent. “PARLIAMENTARIANS!”

Selma Gürkan turned to Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent as they ducked behind a corner to avoid a volley of fireworks. “You see what we have to deal with, don’t you? We try to be principled, we try to build up popular fronts, and we get attacked by everyone no matter what we do. Can you believe we’re still at this level of sectarianism?”

“I dunno,” replied our correspondent. “I mostly read Alınteri.”

At press time, the so-called “Popular Front” had restored some semblance of order in the neighbourhood and chased out all the bad people who take part in electoral struggle. A fatwa was issued by local dede Hasan Hüseyinoğlu:

So as to prevent further strife in our community, henceforth all newborn girls must be named with a name chosen from the following list: Mahire.

We are right, we will win.

Turkish State to Render Worker’s Spatula Obsolete

TerroristKahlo

ISTANBUL – The Turkish state continues its campaign to render Worker’s Spatula irrelevant in the Turkish context by outdoing in real practice the absurd fantasies of the Worker’s Spatula writing team.

In a well-known incident last March 8th, six women from the Kurdish women’s movement were charged with displaying banners with women who were assumed to be “members of [the PKK]” on them, but were in fact Clara Zetkin and Rosa Luxemburg. In a similar incident, two members of TÖPG, the militant communist organisation which now controls the de facto People’s Republic of Hatay, were just apprehended as they got off a bus in Istanbul for possession of a cell phone displaying the image of known terrorist leader Frida Kahlo.

An employee of the bus company had reported to the police that a woman with a suspicious cellphone cover was on the bus, immediately resulting in a “terror warning”. What happened next is not exactly clear, but Worker’s Spatula was able to acquire the following information: The cellphone cover in question was indeed a picture of Frida Kahlo. Some media outlets reported that she was taken to be a member of ISIS, and others reported that she was understood to be a Kurdish guerrilla of some sort. We are to assume that the Turkish state does not know the difference between the two, particularly given their repeated statements to this effect.

Further, the heroic bus company employee alerted the authorities that the TÖPG members in question were both foreigners, who confusingly spoke fluent Turkish, but also some strange and therefore hostile language. Given that literally all of TÖPG’s members are Alawite Arabs, this language must have been Arabic, but what are you going to do, you know?

Seriously, we are just reporting real news from Turkey at this point and it sounds like satire. What are we supposed to do with this?

Street Fights Continue Following TÖPG Declaration of People’s Republic of Hatay

toplumsal

İSKENDERUN, HATAY – Sporadic violence continues following the declaration on Râs is-Seni of the People’s Republic of Hatay, a breakaway state which has been declared taking advantage of the rest of Turkey’s attention being drawn towards Kurdistan by state massacres there. TÖPG, the largest organisation in Hatay and now the ruling party of the de facto republic, has ordered its forces only to respond with arms to armed threats, but provocation by MHP gangs have resulted in street brawls for days.

“Watan bülinmez!” shrieked a neighbourhood reis as he hurled himself towards a crowd emerging from the Halk Meclisi, only to limp off moments later, badly bruised.

Hatay, an island of democratic centralism in a sea of democratic confederalism, is not immune to spillover from Syria. The Syrian Social Nationalist Party has successfully put down roots in İskenderun. The SSNP has joined clashes with the MHP and TÖPG, in the hopes of establishing its own leather-jacketed street hegemony.

“We’re glad Hatay has been liberated from the Ottomans at last,” local SSNP militant Butros Çalışkan informed us. “But now these yellow bastards want to build some new soviet union in the Middle East. The people of Hatay have waited too long for a united Syria to have their hopes dashed now. We’re going to wipe out the communists and retake Cyprus. After that, wiping out ISIS and Israel should be easy.”

Local TÖPG comrades are confident that they have the support of the people of Hatay, and that the fascists will be quickly eliminated. “More and more volunteers are coming every day from Adana and Mersin,” we were informed. “But their Arabic is just the worst.”

KP’s Hatay section issued their customary condemnation of any nationalism other than Turkish nationalism, which read in part as follows:

“We may not have the biggest following in Hatay, but that’s because the workers down here aren’t conscious enough, as evidenced by their division of the Turkish working class, which around here happens to speak Arabic.”

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

Doğu Perinçek Champions Amnesty International Report

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ANKARA – Following the release of a controversial report by Israel’s favourite Human Rights organisation, Amnesty International, on alleged destruction of Arab villages by PYD forces, known piece of shit Doğu Perinçek, chair of the Vatan Partisi (Homeland Party), released a video statement condemning the PYD’s “crimes against Turkey”.

“The PYD is trying to divide Turkey by killing Syrian Arabs. They’re committing genocide against the Syrian Arabs and they’re doing it because they’re agents of the Americans. Amnesty International are also agents of the Americans, but this time they’re right, because since the Russians are now supporting the PYD, that means that the rules of the game have changed, and Amnesty International must also be agents of the Russians, and therefore objective.”

Amnesty International has called on the PYD, and no one else in Syria, to pay compensation to their alleged victims. In a not at all suspiciously timed video, the PYD is accused of systematic destruction of Arab villages which are simultaneously “far from the fighting” and covered in ISIS placards, simply because they are Arab, and also perhaps because of political collaboration with the totally secular and progressive forces of the not-at-all sectarian FSA. Doğu Perinçek continued with his analysis:

“The AKP was talking about PYD genocide against the Palestinians, or Syrians, or whatever, months ago. This shows how trustworthy the information is. The people who disagree with the AKP are all agents of the Americans, unlike the AKP, which is fighting for Turkey’s sovereignty against the forces of the deep state, as everyone understood during the Ergenekon trials.”

At this point in the video, Perinçek looks off-camera, as if he has received a signal, says “Okay”, and then turns back to the camera and says: “Except when we say they’re not, of course.”

After a few more suitably self-contradictory statements, Perinçek concluded by announcing “Long live Marxism-Leninism-Deng Xiaoping Thought!” , raising his hand instinctively into a wolf gesture, and then quickly self-correcting to a clenched fist.

Reaction from the actual Turkish left was swift, with groups ranging in their views from ESP to BDSP, and in size from EMEP to TÖPG, issuing response statements condemning Perinçek’s words, “indeed, almost all words he’s ever spoken”. Grup Munzur released a song entitled “Comrade İbrahim was Right, Comrades”, which contains the following stirring lines:

In Diyarbakır prison, Comrade İbrahim was tortured.

That Doğu Perinçek was a traitor, he knew before anyone.

As Comrade İbrahim lay dying, said he:

“I was the one who hated Perinçek first.”

Even Islamic liberation theologian İhsan Eliaçık issued a statement, including within it his feelings on the recent bombing in Ankara:

“That we live in a world where over a hundred good-hearted people can have their lives taken away like that, in the middle of Ankara, while Doğu Perinçek is allowed to live… Well, to be honest, it’s caused me to question my faith in God.”

Surprisingly, even the arch-tirşikçî KP condemned Perinçek’s rhetoric as “divisive”. A representative of the KP, Ömer Akbıyık, had this to say:

“We condemn Perinçek’s naked attempts at currying favour with the AKP government by parroting the propaganda claims of the imperialists. But what can you expect from a reformist party like Vatan Partisi? They are not serious revolutionaries like us. All they ever do is run their small party in elections and make grand statements about what they would do if they were in power, which they obviously never will be, accusing all other political actors of left deviationism for any tactics which actually command the respect of any sizeable portion of the proletariat. It’s clear that any party like that are mere agents of the Turkish state meant to distract the Turkish left from its historic mission of building socialism in Turkey.”

Confusingly, the other half of the TKP split, HTKP, released their own statement saying that their members were free to agree with Perinçek or Akbıyık, then condemning the first statement as liberal and calling for the purging of all members who agreed with Perinçek, who are expected to form their own party, HVP, later this week.