Suicide Hotline Hold Time Gives Communist Chance to Think About Death

theOTHERtikb

CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.

A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.

“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.

By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.

“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”

The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.

“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”

Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:

Dear Özgür,

I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

 

Advertisements

Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism

Trotskyism

Point: You’re a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question China’s socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to ‘read my Marx’! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and you’re a fucking Trot!

We’ve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I can’t believe I’m wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, you’re a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly it’s YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You aren’t struggling against fascism, you aren’t fighting in Dêsım, and Trotsky didn’t do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, don’t you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher level of truth and unity. But for too long have we argued about who are the real Trots in our midst. We too have wasted precious hours attacking the DKP, but the real question is this: if Trotsky were alive today, which party would he support?

In their pseudo-radical posturing, in their empty anti-austerity politics that fail to confront the imperialist state which imposes the austerity, we all know who the real Trots are: Die Linke. Die Linke are the only Trots in our midst today.

So make haste comrades, tomorrow is for the debate, today is for the ice axes! Ice axes for Die Linke!

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

ÖDP: Support the Spanish State Against Imperialism!

ODPlileridovelim

The following is a translation by Worker’s Spatula of the ÖDP’s declaration on the Spanish state’s suppression of the Catalan national movement’s attempts to exercise their right to self-determination:

The aim of imperialism in Iberia, as in the Middle East and everywhere else in the world, is to divide and weaken independent states in order to rule them more easily. Thus, imperialism supports separatist referendums all over the world from “Southern Kurdistan” (North Iraq) to “Catalonia” (East Spain).

In principle, our party supports the right of nations to self-determination. However, in practice, there can be no self-determination as long as imperialism exists. Thus, it is necessary for progressive forces to support strong independent states that can resist imperialism, whether or not they actually do resist imperialism.

Just as it is necessary to have a strong Iraqi state that can theoretically stand up to US imperialism and oppose its Greater Middle East project, it is necessary to support a strong Spanish state that can follow a politics independent from US and German imperialism. Just as the existence of the Kurdish nation weakens the ability of the Turkish state to resist imperialism, the Basque and Catalan separatist endeavours weaken the ability of the Spanish state to resist imperialism.

Instead of illegitimate referendums, the illegitimate Basque and Catalan people should strive for socialism in the legitimate Spanish state and for brotherhood with the legitimate Spanish people. The Spanish people, of course, are free to do as they like, as they have already achieved their national independence, a great step forward for resisting imperialism.

What is needed is not a weak Catalonia, but a democratic national unity in Spain. We call on the Spanish state to redouble their efforts to crush imperialism in the form of the so-called Catalan “nation”!

Long Live the Brotherhood of the Spanish and Catalan People! Down with the great nation chauvinism of the Catalans!
Long Live a Fully Independent Spain! Workers of the world, unite with the oppressed Spanish people against Catalan fascism!

–ÖDP Leadership

Dersim to Secede from Dersim out of Frustration

DuzgunBaba

THE CITY THAT KNOWS NOT ITS OWN NAME – “We’re doing it, kirwe,” said Ali Mehmet, puffing on his Laz Marlboro, “it’s really happening this time.”

“You’re joking, abi,” exclaimed Mehmet Ali, his younger friend.

“May there be Düzgün Baba, kirwe.”

The Maoists, Dersim’s favourite tourist attraction, are hurriedly preparing for the upcoming independence referendum, in which Dersim will vote on whether to secede from itself, owing to the latter’s failure to defend the region’s supposedly long-standing aspiration for freedom from the Turkish Republic which presently occupies it.

“Dersim can never advance towards socialism so long as it’s still full of Dersimliler,” explained Dilan Akdağ, a local SMF member, to our corespondent. “Our people deserve better than to have to live under the oppression of the fascist Kemalist state that we routinely affirm our loyalty to with CHP votes.”

The campaign has won widespread acceptance from the largely apathetic population, with the most significant voice of criticism coming from the post-DevYol grouplets Halkevleri and Kaldıraç, local members of which have been meeting with one another to coordinate for the “no” campaign.

“Everyone attacks us as Kemalists, but our concern here is very genuinely socialist,” explained Fatma Demirkan, a Halkevleri representative at the meeting which our local correspondent attended. “Dersim’s love for itself is not necessarily progressive. We have real trouble getting people to do actual political work, and a big part of this problem stems from the heroic self-image our people have. If we secede, we’re probably the ones who stand the most to gain: a population like that of Dersim would love to be run by people like us, and we’d certainly be able to sign up a lot of people if the CHP didn’t exist, but the question is, are these people ready to fight for socialist values themselves?”

“Is Dersim actually worth liberating?” asked local Kaldıraç cadre Derya Kılıç to our correspondent. “Dersim should frankly be abolished, as it delegitimises its own existence in practice: claiming to be communist, most of us are actually supremely opportunist and reformist, and we all know it. May there be Düzgün Baba, Hüseyin Aygün is less opportunist than most of us, and he’s in the god damned CHP. Will secession change any of that?”

The Bolşevik Parti of Turkey, North Kurdistan, Occupied Hatay, Dersim, and the Black Sea hurried to release an extremely correct declaration of their views on the matter, to be read mostly by writers of Worker’s Spatula and ICOR affiliates from other countries. It concludes as follows:

The people of Dersim have every right to decide their own future. Nobody has a right to intervene in this referendum, although frankly, we would be impressed if they could: almost any conceivable position the Turkish state could push would end up being the position of some leftist group in Dersim who would seize the opportunity to further destabilise the region from the perspective of the state. Almost none of us will honestly notice if Dersim does secede from itself, or Turkey, or Kurdistan, or whatever it’s a part of now, any more than most of Turkey notices this declaration we’re writing right now.

In the event of a “no” vote on Dersim’s secession from Dersim, the Maoists expect an escalation of the people’s war. Incidentally, this is also their expectation in the event of a “yes” vote.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

News in Brief: July 15th 2017

CitizenMaxIsHauntingUs

THE INTERNET – Some years after Tumblr stopped being even a vague cultural influence on left-wing politics and well into the division of its former users into those who are engaged in quite broad front practical politics and those who have retreated from politics entirely, Marxist-Leninists on the internet remain convinced of the importance of fighting “SJWs” who are supposedly to be seen at every protest telling white male workers to “check their privilege”.

“Identity politics is dividing the working class,” explained a white man in an imperialist country to his internet audience of other white men in imperialist countries. “How does anyone expect to win over the working class when they talk about gay people and racism all the time?” referring to the all-white, all-male class which he has been extremely successful in winning over, unlike those horrific SJWs.

ST. PETERSBURG – Russian communists are trying to piece together what exactly the US government is accused of doing with the Russian state.

“So… the ‘resistance’ in the US refers to those people who feel the US state is not fighting hard enough for global hegemony?” asked local Враг Капитала reader Vladimir Semyonovich.

“I’m for revolutionary defeatism without exception,” protested Russian Maoist Party member Anna Mikhailovna, “so I don’t want Russian capital interests defended in Washington DC. But is there no one in the US who feel that the interests of capital in Washington DC should not be judged based on their Russianness?”

NEW YORK – ROL infiltration of the DSA is reportedly well underway, with the DSA already embracing national liberation for Afro-Americans and sending off martyrs to die in ICOR-approved armed struggle. Boston-based analysts expect the DSA to be a complete ROL front by 2019, right around the time the Democratic Party officially embraces the Three Worlds Theory as its lone “concession” to “the left”.

ANKARA – Worker’s Spatula correspondents are nervously considering whether or not to publish a story about Erdoğan condemning the French for celebrating Bastille Day, as he might do.

“Like, the joke is about how the Marxist tradition appropriates the French Revolution, and how Erdoğan is an arch-reactionary, and that,” explained [REDACTED 1] to her comrade during a Worker’s Spatula meeting.

“Right, but, even making a joke these days in Turkey makes you wonder,” replied [REDACTED 2]. “Erdoğan could easily say that the storming of the Bastille inspired the July 15th Coup Attempt, and…”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah…”

News in Brief: Eid Edition

Islammunism.gif

İSTANBUL – Following the AKP’s traditional crackdown on LGBT groups in Turkey, Devrimci Parti have released their traditional Eid/Bayram/Cejn message, which includes the traditional condemnation of ÖDP as anti-Kurdish chauvinists.

TEHRAN – Communists across Iran are enjoying a relaxing Eid of reading uncritical defences of the Iranian regime by foreign Marxists whose ideology puts them at no personal risk, as it does in Iran.

JAFFA – Palestinian Muslims are transitioning from a Ramadan of being mocked by the Zionist media for fasting, to the rest of the year, where they are mocked by the Zionist media for everything else except fasting.

SARAJEVO – Svaki dan je Ramazan, i svaki drot je namazan. Svaki čovjek ima prazen džep: ovaj Balkan je ljudi stvoren za rep.

Happy Mother’s Day from Worker’s Spatula

IvanaMama

“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!”

“Oh, thank you so much sweetie, you really didn’t have to…”

“Go on, Mom, open it, open it!”

Worker’s Spatula’s Oakland correspondent watched excitedly as her mother opened up the long box.

“It looks like some kind of bazooka!” exclaimed our correspondent’s mother, sitting up in bed. Our correspondent rolled her eyes:

“Mom, don’t be ignorant, a Kalashnikov and a bazooka are entirely different weapons.”

“Well I’ve never held one of either before, have I?”

“Mom, we’ve got to fight ISIS.”

“I thought we were going out for mimosas!”

“We’re going to have brunch on the flight to Iraq, which I’ve also paid for.”

“Oh shoot, I don’t know about all that. I had really just wanted some mimosas and maybe some avocado toast.”

“Mom, don’t you see, what we’re fighting for is the right of all women to drink mimosas. We’re fighting to the defence of Yezidi children from the fascist ISIS thugs. This is for the Cumartesi Anneleri and the democratic revolution in Turkey, not only the Roja Rizgariyê of the ezilen Kürt halkı. This is the most dialectical Mother’s Day gift I could possibly give you!”

“[REDACTED], I don’t want you to misunderstand me on this, because you know I support you in all your little… projects, but I don’t actually know what some of those words mean. I’m pretty sure a few of them weren’t actually English.”

At this juncture, our Oakland correspondent snatched the rifle from her mother’s hands. “Whatever, Mom.”

“No, I didn’t mean to say I didn’t like it!”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, MOM? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LIKE SOMETHING? IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON’T SEE YOUR REFLECTION IN IT! YOU’RE ALIENATED FROM MY WONDERFUL MOTHER’S DAY GIFT OF REVOLUTION, WHICH MEANS I HAVE FAILED AS A DAUGHTER AND AS A REVOLUTIONARY VANGUARD.”

“No, you’re a wonderful voluntary van guard! Really!”

“I don’t WANT to be a voluntarist, mother!” shrieked our correspondent, letting off several rounds into the ceiling in rage. “God, I wish I was never born!”

Our correspondent’s mother sat in silence in her bedroom, watching the dust float down from the bullet holes in the ceiling.

[REDACTED] poked her head back through the doorway sheepishly, “So, um… should I go get the car and we can go get some omelettes or something?”

“That sounds wonderful, sweetie. I’ll just get dressed real quick.”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OUR COMRADE MOTHERS WHO HAVE MADE US WHO WE ARE TODAY.

SOLIDARITY WITH THE CUMARTESİ ANNELERİ.

Erkan Baş Speech Briefly Interrupted by Splitters

Erkan

İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – As Erkan Baş, the leader of the Communist Party of Turkey (also known as HTKP), took to the stage at the International Workers’ Day celebration in Bakırköy (Kurdish: Gundê Bekir), a group of neo-Trotskyite splitters from the TKP calling themselves “KP” began jeering at TÖPG’s favourite Brezhnevite, doubtless driven by jealousy of Erkan Baş’s formidable moustache.

“This is truly unacceptable,” explained leader of the KP pack and occasional reader of Nazım Hikmet poetry Emre Tokatçı to an EMEP-affiliated* Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance. “We only came because we thought we were going to be the centre of attention. If anyone is going to mention any other communists in Turkey, we’re going home.”

Following the completion of this sentence, all assembled KP members indeed began marching home, to the comfort of the Nazım Hikmet Kültür Merkezi in Ali Suavi Sk. (AKA Sanatçılar Sokağı) in Kadıköy.

For our foreign readers, the NHKM is a magical place where nobody ever mentions Kurds or popular fronts or any other such right deviationist nonsense.

By sheer coincidence, this move to abandon the International Workers’ Day celebration also meant that KP avoided any confrontation with the fascist Turkish police whatsoever.

The KP’s sister party in Greece, KKE, responded immediately with a statement condemning the entire Turkish left for “failing to defend KP, at a time when the sharpest and clearest contradiction in Turkish society is the defence of Kemal Okuyan”.

The Turkish Ministry of the Interior has issued a statement encouraging all young communists who insist on wasting their time with “that nonsense” to side with KP against all rivals (whether HTKP, TKP 1920, or KP-İÖ, if they still exist). The Turkish Foreign Ministry, meanwhile, has issued a statement encouraging all foreigners to simply ignore the whole affair, and indeed, anything that is not printed in an official AKP-approved press release.

*ESP and Devrimci Parti were mostly embedded in the fight for Taksim.

Spanish State Begging ETA to Rearm

ETA

BILBAO – Following an announcement of a unilateral decommissioning of arms by the left-wing Basque national liberation group known as ETA (Basque Country and Freedom), the Spanish state, fearing increasing economic instability as the EU begins to disintegrate around them, are apparently trying to convince their enemies to rearm.

“We’ve received dozens of letters from various PSOE and PP politicians urging us to set off a bomb or shoot a cop or something. At first we thought it was some kind of joke, and then we remembered the reason why we’re disarming in the first place: we’re supposedly delegitimising the Abertzale left,” explained our masked interlocutor, as he poured boxes full of bullets into a roaring bonfire.

“Now whenever I wake up and find a bomb on my doorstep, I understand it’s not a threat, but a gift from the PP who are concerned about their own electoral future.”

“EYYY Spain, don’t think we don’t know what you’re doing!” exclaimed Erdoğan, in a televised interview where he explained international politics in his usual accurate fashion to the population of Turkey. “The Spanish are having the Basques give their guns to the Kurds because they’re jealous of our world class bridges! If the Spanish respected their Turkish-Andalusian heritage, they would blow some Basque town off the map!”

At this juncture, most non-Turkish readers probably assume that we’re just ascribing a random selection of words to Turkish president Erdoğan, rather than giving a fairly accurate impression of how his speeches usually go. We assure you, this is how Erdoğan actually talks and behaves.

However, in stark contrast to the usual treatment of Erdoğan’s outbursts by state representatives abroad, Erdoğan’s advice is being considered quite seriously in Madrid. Our source in Madrid spoke to several ministers and their aides on condition of anonymity, and apparently launching a pointless war is in the cards for the PP-led government.

“We’re already on the verge of losing Gibraltar,” explained one anonymous source, “and nobody wants to risk losing Catalonia and the Basque Country too. But they refuse to acknowledge our modest demand to allow the Spanish state to determine its own future, and therefore we may be forced to take up arms against them.”

“Our main concern,” explained another source, “is that if we pull an Erdoğan and just launch a military operation against a group which has unilaterally declared a ceasefire, well in our case it’s worse, they’re disarming… it may backfire. Rather than delegitimising left Basque nationalism, it may relegitimise ETA itself.

“Our only hope,” our source explained, looking over their shoulder to make sure no one was listening before finishing, “is to blame the Russians. That seems to be working very well for left-liberals in the US against Trump, and we’re confident it can save Spain as well.”

HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

akademisyenler

ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”