CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.
A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.
“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.
By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.
“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”
The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.
“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”
Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:
I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work…
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