News in Brief: March 11th 2017

NormieBrother

MANILA -Reports indicate that [REDACTED], a Worker’s Spatula correspondent formerly based in Malaysia and now based in the Philippines, is hosting his fucking normie brother, who is in town on a business trip.

At press time, the former’s ideology was almost revealed when the latter burst into his room unannounced. Although the CPP propaganda was quickly thrown under the bed, our comrade’s normie brother still requested to see it.

An initial attempt to quell interest failed when being told it was “just my porn” only piqued the normie brother’s interest. Our comrade then calculated that choosing this moment to come out of the closet would result in less family strife than the revelation of his communistic views, and the subject was quickly changed.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA – Caleb Maupin is reportedly touring county fairs in Nebraska and Iowa, attempting to convince the local white population that imitating China today is the path to social harmony and progress for the United States.

While he has been largely unsuccessful at converting others to his particular brand of “socialism”, the mission has not been without incident: a 23-year-old man driving an SUV responded to Maupin’s request to “learn about Deng Xiaoping” by saying “I don’t really like Chinese food”. Maupin later barely escaped a beating by a Trump supporter by informing the latter of his close ties with the Donald.

STEMBOL – As PKK leader Abdullah Öcalan’s isolation continues, sources in touch with his lawyer have become increasingly concerned that he may have been replaced by an “Ölacan” figure.

“I mean, my god, I have spoken to my good friend Abdullah Öcalan quite recently *sniff*,” explained Öcalan’s lawyer. “And, this is to say, as we used to say in Yugoslavia, you know, the thing is, he is writing a new book.”

The reported title of the book, apparently about the Imagined, the Symbolic, and the Real of Kurdistan, is “the Mirror Stage: Libidinal Dynamics of Anatolian Resistance”. Öcalan’s lawyer also shared with us the following “very dirty joke, but also, it is completely true and serious”: The cover of the book will be the famous painting from the İmralı cell, of a labia shaped approximately like the map of Kurdistan.

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND – Local teenage Marxist Frank Hobbes has elected to join the SPGB, making him the first young person to join the party in decades.

“I just wanted to be part of a party that understood that everything literally and immediately reduces to class, in the first and final instance, and no other discussion of theory or practice is helpful, or even interesting.”

Tragically, his best internet friend, Mark Anson, another teenage Marxist from Florida, is unable to find a local equivalent organisation in which to act out the part of the caricature of Marxism that anti-Marxist liberals believe the rest of us actually are.

Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

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QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

SNP Host “Bash the Fash” Burns Supper

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GLASGOW – Wi 2017 leukin tae be a mair anti-fascist year as wis thocht, Nicola Sturgeon hae seen fit tae annunce that the SNP will caipitalise on this faur ben trend amang the Scots fowk by hostin a Antifa Burns Nicht:

“Rabbie Burns wis a radical, he wis,” expleened Sturgeon at the Glasgow riot/press conference. “He laithed baith kirk an croun, an we want tae hae a Burns Supper whit reflects this.”

“Aye,” gree’d Mhairi Black. “We’re tae sing Ewan MacColl sangs o Stalin an Ho Chi Minh, birn a Union Jaik an aw… ‘Tis gangin tae be the maist anti-Westminster Burns Nicht o aw time.”

Public reaction tae the annuncement hae been generally guid: “Scotland is a laund o rebels, the cauf kintra o James Connolly an Sean Connery, we daena care for Nazis in thir pairts,” expleened a masked Glaswegian lounie.

Rangers fans, for thair pairt, are awready hyte at the annuncement: “‘Tis mair evident o the SNP’s couterin o left-weeng hooligans, gin thay attack honest richt-weeng hooligans like masel,” expleened local Rangers supporter Andrew “Bud” Andrews, motionin at a nearby menyie o Celtic fans.

“Thay’re a purely creeminal element thay are, the fuckin tims!”

Tweel the drink at the celebrations will be whisky, but thare is a clypach o a differ ower gin it shoud be the weel-lued Laphroaig, o Tomintoul, on accoont o the Sassenachs canna pronoonce it.

But aye, thare will be haggis o the vegan, halal, an raiglar kynd, so aw o the Wirker’s Spatula correspondents whit come micht eat awee.

Aye, dear readers, the Spatula sall be thare. For it will be oor task tae read Burns’s classic verse, Ode to a Spatula.

ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

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LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”.

Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

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“No, we see your point,” explained our host, politely. “His analysis of international relations IS good, but I don’t think we’ll be converting the entire party to Shi’a Islam on the basis of that alone.”

“We’re recording,” interrupted the Yank. “Read the statement.”

“COMRADES!” began a bearded comrade with an obnoxious English accent, drops of butter tea dripping down his moustache, “We, the central committee of Worker’s Spatula, the rebel base of Marxist-Leninist internet irony, are here in a mountain camp in Bhutan, in solidarity with the local Gonzalists and their popular war against Bhutanese happiness! MABUHAY!”

“Down with mirth! Fuck joy!” interrupted one of the guerrillas in the back.

2016 marked the first full calendar year of Worker’s Spatula activity. Despite a generally pessimistic mood in some corners, in many ways, we count this past year as a success: We successfully defended Jeremy Corbyn against the Blairites, we defeated Hillary Clinton through our accelerationist agent, the Donald, and we sold a few t-shirts.

Per our original self-description, we take no responsibility for the many setbacks the world revolutionary movement has suffered over the course of the past year. Further, we are responsible for all progressive motion and unity among the revolutionary masses and their vanguard. So one would think we have no room for self-criticism, but we do. And not only because we’re being hosted by Maoists.

First of all, during our New Year’s self-criticism last year, we promised video propaganda. We did produce one low quality video, and wrote two or three others, but we made the grievous error of trusting the Yanks with video production duties. Needless to say, we should’ve known from Hollywood that the US is the last country you can put your faith in for quality video work. Hopefully and إن شاء الله, 2017 permits us to produce those and other videos for your viewing enjoyment.

More importantly, if we’re perfectly honest with ourselves, Worker’s Spatula is altogether too accessible to people who don’t spend all day reading ROL newsletters and founding documents of Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups from the 80s and 90s. We are simply not weird and obscure enough. Sometimes we even catch anarchists reading our work. It’s extremely disheartening to see, and represents clear evidence of some deviation from the correct line handed down to us from the prophet Vladimir Lenin (SAW).

Prepare for a new year which is more brutal, more dialectical, and more materialist. Prepare for jokes that Die Linke people won’t get, and GegenStandpunkt will hate themselves for chuckling at. We’re going to make jokes about Hegel and Gramsci and Left Communism, we’re going to talk about the THKPC-MLSPB instead of the MLKP, and we’re basically going to make 90% of our readers and 50% of our own staff declare the Spatula to be a hateful, unreadable mess barely worth mentioning.

We’re going to make the RCPB-ML look like the fucking CPB.

And yet somehow we’re going to keep gaining followers, because this is the internet, and quality and quantity keep transforming into each other in the ways we least expect.

In this spirit, we call on all of you to make a New Year’s resolution with us: MAKE YOUR RESOLUTION, REVOLUTION. Resolve to join Worker’s Spatula in our regular reading of revolutionary texts, the Spatula Reading Group, and become part of the process of our interventions in practical politics by responding to them!

On the first and fifteenth of every month, we’re going to assign a different revolutionary text for collective reading. It may be from the Marxist-Leninist canon, or perhaps it will be Hegel, but we will provide a link to the text online.

We want you, the readers, to write a one-page summary, or response with your reactions, preferably in terms of how you were able to relate the reading to the material conditions in which you are doing revolutionary politics. Through this online reading and recontextualising, you will be taking part in the dialectic that underlies Worker’s Spatula. You can push the spiral upwards! Push it! Push it good! Push it real good!

Taking part in this campaign is a great way to improve your Marxist reading and help expand Worker’s Spatula’s collective consciousness of the theoretical and practical struggles in your life. We encourage all to take part, and to e-mail us at mastursublator [at] gmail.com

Finally, in spite of whatever setbacks may loom large in your sight, we hope all comrades will cling tight to hope and struggle on to great victories in the new year! In particular, we hail Oscar Temaru’s inevitable victory in the upcoming French presidential elections. When the power of the Spatula and the revolutionary masses are united, miracles are possible! We are right, we will win!

WORKER’S AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Upon completing the reading of the statement, all present raised their Kalashnikovs skywards and fired into the heavens whilst the Yank screamed: “DIALECTICS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

George Michael Latest Casualty in War on Christmas

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OXFORDSHIRE – While 2016 has claimed the lives of many bourgeois celebrities, Worker’s Spatula notes with special sadness the passing of George Michael. George Michael’s music has long provided the soundtrack to our revolutionary activities, long before there was a Worker’s Spatula as such. Ever since he jitterbugged into the heart of our oldest member in the early 1980s, George Michael has been a glorious symbol of our fight against fascism. From his own public struggle against the Thatcherite and Blairite scum, to our use of his song “Freedom!” to celebrate the liberation of Kobanê from ISIS, few bourgeois singers more perfectly encapsulate the spirit of resistance that Worker’s Spatula seeks to raise up among the masses than George Michael, bard of the people’s struggle.

While our comrade Jeremy Corbyn is leading the public commemoration of this heroic anti-fascist troubadour, we at Worker’s Spatula wanted to discuss George Michael’s life and death, and what they meant for us.

Although we could never convince George Michael to write for or contribute financially to Worker’s Spatula (on the grounds of his support for TKEP/L in Turkey, as opposed to the strict anti-revisionism of Worker’s Spatula), many of our cadres were close to him due to shared interests, including cottaging, bursting into song, hating Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair, and bursting into songs about hating Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair whilst cottaging. On several occasions, the editor-in-chief of Worker’s Spatula was known to partake in one or more of these activities together with George Michael, who remained on friendly terms in spite of the aforementioned Brezhnevite/Hoxhaite issue.

George Michael’s untimely death caught us all by surprise, leading to the unavoidable conclusion that he was assassinated by the Tories. The Tory scum chose Christmas to assassinate him because they hate Christmas, and joy, and the laughter of children. In particular, the Tories detest the laughter of the working class children of England today, who are constantly to be seen on public transportation wearing Worker’s Spatula t-shirts and singing the songs of George Michael, like “Faith”, “I Want Your Sex”, and “Polyushko-polye”.

Last Christmas, we gave our hearts to George Michael’s best friend in the whole world, Jeremy Corbyn, when he quoted Enver Hoxha at the Labour Christmas party. But the very next year, George Michael was taken from us. 2016 has been nothing if not a difficult year for communist revolutionaries and George Michael fans alike. But we must stand tall and remain hopeful in spite of these setbacks. That’s what George Michael would have wanted.

After all, his last words were: “DON’T MOURN, ORGANISE!”

Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

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LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

Clowns Probably in the Right

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CHICAGO – Following months of intensive research into “the clown situation” in the US, top dialecticians at Worker’s Spatula have tentatively arrived at the conclusion that the clowns are probably in the right.

“All we’re saying is, these clowns aren’t apparently exploiting or oppressing anyone. They seem to have rejected bourgeois society and taken to the woods in the dead of night. This places them somewhere in the range of Jill Stein or the Revolutionary Organization of Labor [sic] in terms of their praxis.

“Look, it’s not as if anyone else around here knows what they’re doing such that we’re in a position to criticise the clowns. We think they’re gathering forces for a Maoist people’s war?”

Evidence for this latter claim is largely found in news out of British Columbia that one “Subcomandante Bozo” performed a spooky pantomime at half three in the morning outside a reporter’s window, which depicted the surrounding of urban areas from the woods, and implying the occupation of larger parks within cities.

Reports of clown sightings in the UK have are on the rise, with a sighting in Durham confirming Worker’s Spatula’s suspicions that the clowns are on the right side of history: “If you’re going to be from England, at least be from the north of England,” opined our Glasgow correspondent.

“We call on these clowns to carry their reign of terror to the representatives of London rule in occupied Northumbria. Long live the clowns, death to England!”

Multiple instances of graffiti have been spotted in York’s Walmgate Stray, reading “DON’T VOTE THROW PIES”. Local police have taken to questioning suspicious-looking youth to determine if they are or are not “down with the clown”.

While initial opinion polls indicated a high level of fear and distrust of the clowns by the public at large, a spike in public sympathy for the clowns has been observed following reports of several clown sightings in Dublin prior to the disappearance of pop star and eyewear aficionado Bono.

Sam Kriss Responds to Worker’s Spatula

Some weeks ago, a miserable, dogmatist rag entitled the Worker’s Spatula ran an article about me replete with libellous inaccuracies. The piece, “‘I Have Read Adorno,’ Announces Sam Kriss”, falsely reported that I consider György Lukács, “with the accent mark”, one of my main theoretical influences. Nothing could be further from the truth. As I emphasised on Twitter shortly thereafter, I find Lukács quite boring, and not once have I cited him, with or without the diacritic mark.

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The Spatula, to its discredit, has yet to correct the error. When I contacted the so-called newspaper’s editorial staff, they informed me that they do not alter the text of articles they have already published, as to do so would be “the essence of revisionism”. They did, however, invite me to pen a guest column correcting the error myself, which I have happily obliged to do.

It would be easy enough simply to reiterate that, although I have indeed read Lukács, make no mistake, I do not find him interesting, let alone an influence on my own thinking. But no proper intellectual, like myself, would be satisfied with such a petty rejoinder. As such, I should like to go a bit further and speculate as to why the Spatula would publish such drivel to begin with.

Following the rhetorical dicta I laid out in my groundbreaking essay, “In defence of personal attacks”, I should like to hypothesise that the author of the piece, first of all, is envious of my stellar publication record and high level of education. A critical evaluation of Adorno was central to my graduate thesis, after all. I have read Adorno. I imagine the author of the Spatula hit-piece has not – certainly not with my thoroughness, in any case.

This author also probably has a very odd penis. I imagine a penis sloping downward and listing to the right, sporting a rather alarming bulge in the middle of the shaft, with a ragged and impossibly long foreskin hanging off the glans like melted cheese off a tortilla chip. I imagine a distinct odour, somewhere between baby powder and saag paneer, building in the fetid swamp of the author’s mildewed briefs, yearning for the fortuitous moment of a urinary or masturbatory session to leap forward and thoroughly permeate all available space.

Does this author fuck? Yes, but not pleasantly. His coital experiences are sporadic and invariably brief. He thrusts his mangled rod forward into the apathetically receptive orifice of his partner after a second date. There will not be a third date. After a few stops and starts, his half-erect Schlong will wheeze, sputter, and cough a few droplets of cottage-cheese-textured jism into the reservoir of one of his corner drug store’s cheapest unlubricated condoms.

This author’s phallic lack almost certainly served as a chief motivation for him to publish such falsehoods about me. Lukács, an influence of mine! What nonsense! Hopefully this author will discover that bitterness and spite serve as poor substitutes for genuine writerly passion. To write a “genuine polemic”, as Walter Benjamin (whom I have also read) has written, the author must approach his object “as lovingly as a cannibal spices a baby”. My earnest hope is that my response here proves instructive.

Learn from the master, you fucking unrepentant hack!

Them Lot: “Actually, Blumenthal is an Agent of Imperialism”

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LONDON – Responding to claims that Blumenthal’s position on Syria reflects the critical anti-imperialist stance expected of left figures in imperialist countries like the US, a press conference was called by the CPGB-ML to assure everyone of the falsehood of these claims.

“Blumenthal can’t be an anti-imperialist, because he has never once come to speak at a CPGB-ML event,” explained Harpal Brar, the main speaker as always. “His claims that there is an imperialist plot for regime change in Syria is clearly a masterful tactic by Hillary Clinton. She’s playing the long game. Trust no one from the US. Spies are everywhere.” At this juncture, Chairman Bral jumped under the table, where he remained for the entirety of the press conference, which continued for another two hours.

“I have a source that can reveal that Blumenthal is the son of a Clinton advisor,” continued Bill Graves, to gasps from the audience. “Yes, it’s true. Max Blumenthal has now been proven to be the son of Sidney Blumenthal. He didn’t even choose a very good code name!

“The point is, we have to dig more deeply, if we are real dialectical materialists and not revisionist reformists,” said Graves. “Why would the Clinton family flip-flop like this on Syria? Because they want our votes! We trusted the Clintons once, never again! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON, BLUMENTHAL! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON!”

As of press time, our New York correspondent had confirmed that Max Blumenthal had committed ritual suicide for failing the real left across the English speaking world. In Jewish culture, this act is known as seppuku, and it is done to save face when one’s family has been shamed by basement dwelling romantic Stalinists and pro-imperialist post-Trotskyists.