LONDON – The London attack early Monday morning, in which a “white, clean-shaven” man drove a van into Muslims emerging from Ramadan prayers at a masjid in Finsbury Park, killing one and wounding eight, has sent the country once again into shock.
Persons inexplicably given money in order to write newspaper columns were quick to pass judgment.
“What we have here is a failing of the entire White British community,” İbrahim Güneş, a self-appointed terror expert, told the Spatula.
“This man would have been planning this attack surrounded by White British people. He would have been living his life largely surrounded by White British people, and if anyone would have known about his plans to carry out this attack, it would have been White British people.”
“I mean, for God’s sake,” he added. “The van was hired in South Wales or somewhere.”
Welsh commentators were quick to downplay the Welsh connection: “Cardiff and its environs have been invaded by Saxons. The attacker was English. We’re the indigenous Britons, and we’re not the problem. It’s the English you want, they’re the ones who always start all the trouble. We want all white English people deported from Wales for their war on our culture, just as any decent Asian Londoner does. All of our safety is threatened by the English menace. We stand with the victims of this attack and condemn it without reservation,” explained Rhys Jones, a Welsh stereotype and Plaid Cymru spokesperson made up for the purposes of this piece.
Normal, non-white British commentators were unimpressed by Welsh attempts to downplay their culpability: “If you don’t like being lumped in with them, secede already, byti,” chided a passing Somali gentleman, on his way back from buying laver for a traditional Cardiff iftar.
The attack occured around the anniversary of the murder of Member of Parliament and integrated White British person Jo Cox in another terror attack perpetrated by another radicalised White British person.
“There’s a lack of trust we’re seeing among the White British community,” said Rasool Rahman, who writes a column urging that Britain start foreign wars in Christian countries every Thursday for The Times.
“White Britons really have to come out and ask their friends, to their family members: did you vote UKIP? And if they did, they need to tell MI5.”
“Neither should we hold back from challenging White Britons around us as to whether they’re planning this type of terrorist atrocity.”
Urging calm, Shadow Home Secretary and national treasure Diane Abbott has assured the nervous British public that White British extremism will not be tolerated, and security services are closely monitoring pubs across the country in response to the attack.
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