LeftComs Offer Critical Support to the PUK


ROME/LONDON – Following news of the PUK withdrawal from Kerkük, supporters of the International Communist Tendency have taken an interest in alternatives within Kurdish politics to the infamous “ethno-nationalism” of the pro-Öcalan camp.

“Obviously all of these Kurdish parties are bourgeois and nationalist, and engaging with them in any meaningful sense would be a form of opportunism,” explained ICT representative Giuseppe Sposato to our Albanian correspondent, who like all Albanians these days, spends all her time in the most Italian milieus possible: “But it’s interesting to note that opposition to the PKK and KDP lines is growing among the Kurds themselves.

“These anarchists were into the Kurds for all the wrong reasons. Women’s liberation? Communes? No, what’s really important is being as anti-nationalist as possible.

“And who’s doing more to undermine Kurdish nationalism, as a concept, than the Kurds themselves?”

The analysis continued much in the expected way, before our correspondent grew bored, turned off her recorder, and walked away without saying goodbye: “The retreat from Kerkük by the PUK shows that revolutionary defeatism and anti-nationalism are on the rise. We hope this trend will continue, not only in Kurdistan, but around the world. Of course, while it’s clear that the KCK affiliate groups are more ‘national’ in character than the ostensibly nationalist PUK and KDP, on some level we reject all of them for being fundamentally bourgeois. Everything and everyone except for me, having this conversation in this coffee shop with you, here, in Rome, is bourgeois. The only way to save the Kurds is to hope that the Worker-Communist Party of Kurdistan will read this interview, steal a bunch of guns from the Pêşmerge, and take over a factory in Silêmanî or something. Inevitably, however…”

Left communists around Western Europe have been marching through Kurdish neighbourhoods, distributing leaflets which explain that the behaviour of the bourgeois nationalist Kurdish parties shows that the advance of class struggle since the 2008 Global Financial Crisis is itself eroding the nation as a concept, and the time to join the International Communist Tendency is now. Bearing witness to this scene on a morning jog, Harpal Brar rushed to his local Worker’s Spatula correspondent to share his opinions with the international Marxist-Leninist movement who hang on our every word.

“It’s absurd, claiming that the nation is eroding. Kurdish political organisations act entirely in their own bourgeois nationalist interest, the bourgeois nation in question being AMERICA, one nation, under God, with… ah but that would mean that America is interested in giving the Kurds less land, which of course, wouldn’t be consistent with our view that… hold on just a moment… It’s a trick. The Kurds are only retreating now to build up forces so that they might smash their enemy later, just like Stalin did when… no, we can’t very well compare the Kurds to Stalin, now can we…”

“We defend the unity and sovereignty of the Iraqi state and its legitimate government! Yes, there we are. Now no one can accuse me of being on the same side as the US.”

At time of press, the PUK had released a series of statements, all of which concluded that no matter what they do, a large section of the Kurdish people will stand with them out of “nostalgia, and the knowledge that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we didn’t make the mistake of being Barzanî.”

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Hüda-Par Diyarbekir Hosts One-Year Anniversary of Worker’s Spatula


DIYARBEKIR/AMED – In honour of one year of struggle for the oppressed and downtrodden the world over, Worker’s Spatula’s central committee and several affiliates convened in the Kurdish capital to reflect and relax. To avoid sectarian squabbles between the various factions within Worker’s Spatula, the “neutral ground” represented by the Hüda-Par provincial headquarters was chosen as the site of celebration, much to the delight of the faithful.

Women Worker’s Spatula members were of course not allowed in the main hall, per Hüda-Par policy, and were shuffled into a side room to discuss “women’s issues” with their sisters in faith. The very different ideas about what consitutes “women’s issues” (with one side favouring abortion rights and the other favouring how best to conceal the bruises so as to not fail to look appealing to one’s husband) led to fierce argumentation, but as the Hüda-Par headquarter’s women’s room is heavily soundproofed so as to prevent men being tempted by the sound of strange women’s voices, this was not revealed to the men attendees until after the celebrations were over.

“Bismillahirrahmanirrahim euzubillahimineşşeytanirracim,” stated local Hüda-Par member and Worker’s Spatula fan Abdulkadir Soyupak, marking the start of the exciting festivities, which included awkward staring at shoes and attempts at small talk.

“Isn’t Trotskyism like Shi’ism for you people?” enquired Muhammed Kılıçlı, attempting to make small talk with a Worker’s Spatula correspondent with a tattoo displaying a hammer, sickle, and Zulfiqar visible on his arm, thanks to his extremely immodest short-sleeved shirt.

“No, Shi’ism is anti-revisionism, Sunnis are Brezhnevites, and Ibadis are the Trots.”

Lokma and tea were served, the former provided by Hüdapar and the latter provided by a network of smugglers and Worker’s Spatula. Worker’s Spatula also attempted to serve a tray of meqlûbe prepared specially for the occasion, “in solidarity with the Palestinian people”. However, the Arab dish was thrown out the window on suspicion of being an agent of “the Fethullahçı Terror Organization” (FETÖ).

As the celebrations drew to a close at 6 PM local time, Worker’s Spatula members piled into the dolmîşes and bid farewell to their friends at Hüda-Par, who wished them “many more successful years of godless communism.”