Venezuela: Myth vs. Reality

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CARACAS – For some time now, the eyes of the world have been fixed on Venezuela, following news of unrest and an election which the bourgeois media, particularly in imperialist countries, depict as illegitimate.

However, Worker’s Spatula is pleased to announce that we have sent a special correspondent from Buenos Aires to the tropical island nation of Venezuela to see what all the brouhaha is about.

Additionally, hubbub.

While countries as diverse as the United States and the United States’ closest allies continue to repeat rumours of a crackdown, our correspondent could find no evidence of any recent violence of any sort in any of the neighbourhoods of Caracas which he visited. Locals attributed the rumours of unrest to the US-based “International” “Socialist” “Organization”.

“Definitely, the ISO have made up all the stories about clashes between protestors and police. They do it to make themselves look like they have something to say. Like they’re important. Actually there’s nothing happening at all around here,” explained bored Caracan José Marquí González. “I may go see what’s on television.”

Questions about the PSUV and Maduro produced blank stares from most Caracans, until our correspondent was enlightened by local university student Maria Martínez Flores: “The PSUV and Maduro are just stories made up by the PSL so they can feel like they’re in solidarity with something big and important in some better country than their own.

“It’s honestly a bit sad. Impressive that they got most of the world to believe it though.”

The news of the non-existence of the PSUV which Worker’s Spatula readers have been supporting for years stunned our correspondent, who closed out his report with the following editorial statement, the contents of which do not necessarily reflect those of Worker’s Spatula:

We’ve spent quite a few years defending the supposed gains of the Bolivarian Revolution, only to find out that it was all just stories made up by tiny Marxist groups to sell their awful papers. This is even worse than when we found out that there was no refugee crisis from Syria, no war in Syria, and no country called Syria to begin with, because the SWP had made them all up.

What’s next? Are we going to find out that the NPA invented Western Sahara, and the EMEP invented Tunisia?

We may just have to stop basing our entire politics on holding the right positions on international affairs without having any concrete reflection in our own countries’ practical politics.

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Venezuela Making King of Norway Doubt Merits of Rentier Social Democracy

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OSLO – Bernie Sanders’s favourite socialist leader and last bastion of struggle against EU imperialism, King Harald V of Norway, today revealed to our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Oslo his concerns about Venezuela and its implications for the Norwegian model.

“Ever since the war in Libya, I’ve been concerned that our gradualist approach to socialism presented too long of a period of transition, allowing sabotage by the imperialists. Venezuela has been a concern in this area for a long time, and now everyone’s seeing how serious of a problem this is.

“In fact, I had discussed the matter with Comrades Gaddafi and Chavez before their respective tragic deaths…” said the 79-year-old monarch as he gazed sadly out the palace window.

“The problem is, if there’s one country that is more gradual than any other in its march to socialism, it is Norway, where we are so conservative in our struggle against the forces of reaction that I am in power,” he said looking our interviewer directly in the eyes.

Influential Norwegian Marxist theoretician Elling Borgersrud expressed frustration with the king’s stubborn refusal to draw the necessary conclusions: “We’ve been saying this for years, and I think the time has come for the king to just admit it: Social democracy may be good in theory, but it doesn’t work in practice.

“I think I speak for the entire people of Norway when I say that the time has come for the king to carry out a resolute offensive against the kulaks, the comprador bourgeoisie, and the aristocracy.”

 

Solidarity Blames Latin American Left for Strength of US Imperialism

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DETROIT – Yesterday, the US Trotskyist extremist organisation Solidarity published an editorial in their journal Against the Current denouncing the Latin American left, as a whole, for their total failure in fighting US imperialism. The article states that after years of Western solidarity with movements and parties of the Latin American left, US imperialism has still yet to be defeated:

“Despite all the efforts on the part of Solidarity, the Venezuelan economy is still too dependent on the export of oil, and other Latin American countries are even further from realising our lofty revolutionary standards. Wall Street still dominates Latin American economies, and US puppets rulers exploit and persecute the worker’s movement unchecked.”

“Cuba, meanwhile, in line with its Stalinist pedigree, has totally failed to combat US imperialism in any meaningful sense.”

“We have invested so much of our time in supporting the Latin American left so that it could topple US imperialism. And what has been the result? Nothing. Thus, it is time for us to change strategy, abandoning the hopeless Latin American left in favour of the Latin American right, whose horrible repression by the Stalinist capitalists in places like Venezuela makes them objectively more predisposed to struggle. The Cuban regime has made many mistakes as well, from their belief in the Stalinist principle of democratic centralism to sending Stalinist doctors to Haiti or Africa, preventing the natives from learning about Permanent Revolution, the only good thing about the Leninist tradition.”

“In short, the entire Latin American left is counter-revolutionary. This is because of the weakness of Trotskyism in their countries, whereas we have reached a new level of Trotskyism here in the US: We believe that the classical concepts Trotsky used to describe the Soviet Union were much too soft and that he should have simply labelled this Stalinist abomination what it was: Capitalism even worse than the Western capitalism, because it was Stalinist at the same time. Along similar lines, we’d like to state that all these incompetent leftists in stupid Spanish-speaking countries are not even proper Marxists like us, but anarchists, but like, statist anarchists or something. It doesn’t matter if they don’t shave, like in Cuba, or chew on coca leaves all day, like in Bolivia. The task of resistance in Latin America falls on our shoulders, as the only real internationalists. Down with authoritarianism, long live the revolution in Latin America!”

Fidel Castro responded in Granma, writing: “I’m just going to say it, since no one’s saying it: Are the Yankees ever going to threaten their own state, or just comment about how we’re doing things down here and discuss their ‘solidarity’ or lack thereof? What more can we do on their behalf? Should we declare an embargo on the US, after the US lifted its embargo against us? We have a lot of drugs in Latin America, but nobody is as drugged up as the Yankees. Those guys should start smoking Cuban cigars instead, now that the embargo has been lifted. Maybe that will wake them up…”

Responses from left-leaning Latin American leaders of a less Marxist-Leninist pedigree were similarly dismissive: Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa simply tweeted: “@SolidarityUS ¡Locos!”. Our correspondent in Caracas asked Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro for comment and received the answer: “Who?”. Similarly, Bolivian President Evo Morales didn’t say anything at all, merely smiling politely.

Podemos leader Pablo Iglesias appeared on his TV show La Tuerka with the following comment: “Well, I read that the US left has given up on solidarity with the Latin American left. That’s a big fucking deal, as it probably means that they will stop supporting us as well. Oh, it’s a group called ‘Solidarity’? Did they ever support us? Who are they?”

Renowned Slovenian philosopher and Marxist of some sort Slavoj Žižek devoted the first few minutes of one his lectures to commenting on the editorial: “You know, I read this in some shitty US left magazine… I mean, you know what my good friend Alain Badiou says about the US left… He says, well no, it is too dirty even for me… to… say… it… [sniffs] here, but the thing is, I was married several times, trust me, I know what I’m talking about, and I was married to an Argentinian model once, and I lost all my respect for them afterwards, Argentinian wives mostly, but Latin Americans in general too. The faking of the orgasm and so on and so on. So back to my point, it is like Lacan said in one of his seminars, you know, like in Hitchcock basically, Lacan uses the same technique, but let me explain it with Hitchcock. So, in short, Solidarity is complete nonsense, of course, I mean, literally, but… I think maybe there is something there, beneath the obvious literal statement, if you understand what I am saying.”