Communist Menace Just Silly Children Who Need to Grow up

exterminate

LONDON – Following the military defeat of ISIS leader Owen Smith by guerrilla forces under the leadership of John McDonnell and composed primarily of Red London and Worker’s Spatula cadres, the latter have returned to their journalistic duties.

Among the surprises which met our English correspondents in their return to civilian life was the fact that the Welsh socialist group which may or may not still be known as Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr has yet to drive out British colonial rule through a Popple’s Wor, and the Scottish are still dragging their feet on secession as well.

So it looks like it’s up to England to save the day AGAIN.

However, communists in the UK can expect a bitter struggle within and beyond Corbyn’s anti-austerity political campaigns, not least because the communists are a dangerous element whose fanatical ideas could lead to the deaths of millions in Britain, and also because they are a marginal and infantile trend who will soon come to terms with the real world, grow up, and become Blairites themselves.

Yes, sources across the UK political spectrum, from the Tories to the Red Tories, agree that communists are all just idiotic student union members looking for attention that must not be taken seriously. Moreover, it is agreed that they constitute a real threat to the Labour Party and Britain that must be stopped.

“This is hardly a surprising development,” said UK politics analyst and Trotskyite extraordinaire Richard Seymour, when pressed for comment. “It’s well known that anything left of bourgeois centre in the UK is both a threat to our very way of life and also a passing fad barely worth a mention. Having Red London running about, waving red flags and singing about red flags and that, it’s definitely an issue for people who understand how much they alienate the entire population of Britain except a ragtag gang of student losers, and also understand that they will one day topple the British state and have us all killed for being revisionists or reactionaries of one sort or another.

“One needn’t look to the murderous hordes of Stalinists who control Wales and parts of London to see evidence of this fact: One need merely take note of Corbyn himself, whose fanatical support drowns out the need to discuss his troublesome lack of popularity which renders him fundamentally unelectable.

“This trend shows little chance of decline. I personally have been told to join the SWP three times today.”

As of press time, a group calling itself “the Red Hand of Blair” has claimed responsibility for a car bomb in Brighton which claimed the lives of several known Corbynite figures. The statement reads, in part: “We have been forced to take up arms to defend the fundamental moderation of the Labour Party from the unelectable views endorsed by the electorate. Dialectics, innit.”

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Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Revealed as Worker’s Spatula Fabrication

WeDidThis

CARDIFF – “Marxist-Leninist-Maoist” organisations across Western Europe were shocked to learn that the organisation which had been in touch with them under the name “Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr” does not actually exist, having been set up prior to Worker’s Spatula by some of the original Worker’s Spatula writers as a foil for jokes about Welsh people’s war.

A group of Norwegian and French Maoists, intrigued by the group’s existence thanks to Worker’s Spatula’s references to them in their coverage of British politics, travelled to Wales to meet with representatives of “the Welsh Socialist Republican Movement” and Welsh Maoism.

“We expected some level of secrecy, since Marxism-Leninism-Maoism is a political tradition that actively preaches armed struggle as a ‘universal truth’,” explained Norwegian Maoist “Kjell” to our Cardiff correspondent. “So when ordinary Welsh people pretended to have never heard of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, the Great Unrest, or the Welsh Socialist Republican Party, we weren’t surprised.”

“We got our first lead when we mentioned the name at the Plaid Cymru office, and a young man wearing a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt, a red bandana across his face, and dark sunglasses stood up and bolted out of the office,” French militant “Fatima” recounted. “He escaped between some nearby fishmongers’ stalls, but we got the idea to ask a man selling bream for help. Fortunately, he trusted us. We were led down a shadowy network of bream sellers, fishers, and inviduals otherwise involved in the bream trade. Several sheep were shagged in front of us, and even by some of our comrades in order to earn their trust.”

“It was horrible,” confirmed “Pierre”. “I never wanted to shag that sheep, and I was worried the Welsh could tell, so I shagged it multiple times and in various positions so it would be convincing.”

“We found a lot of red flags and graffiti in weird locations, but we never found a rally or a meeting of any sort. The trail went cold in a small village on the Isle of Anglesey near Llanfairpwllgwyngyll,” continued “Fatima”. “An old man there saw us staring at some of the flags and graffiti and he started talking to us. We didn’t understand much of what he said, so we had to procure a Welsh to English interpreter, named Rhys. It turns out he was speaking English, but just had a ridiculous accent, but Rhys was kind enough to interpret anyway.”

“He said that the graffiti and flags had been put up by some Turks and Germans who had rolled into town, blasting American rap music and talking loudly about dialectics. Well we all know who that is. That’s you lot,” said Pierre, pointing an accusing and frankly awful-smelling finger at our correspondent as he finished his tale of woe.

“Yeah, so we did it. We made up a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist group in Wales for a laugh,” responded our correspondent. “But so what? Dych chi ddim yn angen grŵp Maoaidd Cymreig. Oedd maoaeth go iawn ynoch ar hyd!”

Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”

Wilcox

MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.

Worker’s Spatula Going Underground for Corbyn

RedLondon

LONDON – Announcing that “armed struggle” had to take priority over journalistic work, all Worker’s Spatula correspondents in England have announced that the time has come to go “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Jeremy Corbyn, the embattled ICOR-affiliated leader of the Party of Labour.

German elements within Worker’s Spatula declared London correspondents in particular to be “adventurist” on account of the latter’s decision to purchase Armalites so they might join Red London “in the trenches”. The joint Worker’s Spatula/Red London “tabur” responded by declaring the comrades from Hambeug to have “descended to the low and opportunist level of Hikmet Kıvılcımlı”, leading to the exchange of a multilingual pastiche of obscenity.

With English Worker’s Spatula correspondents no longer responding to any of our attempts to reach them, we have had difficulty piecing together developments in London. Mainstream news sources are having difficulty providing accurate information in light of the ongoing urban guerrilla warfare. The following information all comes from our lone Scottish correspondent, and may be inaccurate owing both to the aforementioned difficulties in getting information out of England in general and London in particular, and due to the incomprehensible speech of the Scottish.

“From what we can gather, John Mann has allied himself with Hilary Benn, as they’re both very angry at Corbyn for taking the wrong position on the Brexit thing. Their initial strategy was to weaken Corbyn by removing all his enemies from the shadow cabinet, but rumour has it they’ve changed tactics now that Red London has hailed this as a ‘brilliantly timed purge’ by ‘Comrade Jeremy Jezzarionovich Stalin’.

“Their new tactic appears to be attempting to wreck the party from within using a sycophantic Trotsky-like figure. We suspect this may be Simon Danczuk, who reportedly claims he wants to get close to Corbyn as he is impressed with his ‘strong appeal among young people’.”

At press time, our Welsh correspondents had fled into the hills to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s “people’s war”.

United Federation of Planets under Fire for “Social Imperialism”

ComradePicard

WHEREVER STAR TREK TAKES PLACE, SPACE OR WHATEVER, YOU GODDAMN NERDS – Despite claims made by the Federation to have abolished money, several former RIM affiliates have condemned the United Federation of Planets for operating in accordance with “capitalist logic” and having succumbed to the pressures of “space revisionism (the final revisionist frontier)”.

“The use of credits shows that contrary to the Federation’s claims of having advanced beyond socialism into full space communism, there is still some capacity for a descent into revisionism,” said a spokesman for the Communist (Maoist) Party of Afghanistan.

“Indeed,” concurred Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr’s spokesman. “It is our contention that old capitalist habits and relations have been sublated in the newly socialist Federation, but that lack of attention to this fact has allowed capitalist logic to reassert itself through the corrupt Federation bureaucracy. Combined with the Federation’s impressive military force, we are unfortunately beginning to see increasing violations of the Prime Directive, one of the first signs of social imperialism.”

When asked what they proposed as a solution for the dire picture they painted, the spokeswoman for the Communist Party of India (Maoist) prescribed “cultural revolution, by the bucketful. Just keep smashing old things until everything becomes new and good,” causing the other spokespeople to nod their heads in somber agreement.

While the intergalactic Trotskyist movement universally agreed that “degeneracy” was “inevitable” without Trotsky at the head of the Federation Council, they were divided on whether to critically support the Federation as a “degenerated workers’ space-althing” (per the Spartacist League) or whether to claim the Federation, like all practical efforts by anti-capitalists, was “worse than capitalism, which we wouldn’t want to be too hard on” (per Solidarity).

At press time, anarchists were still diving in dumpsters, even though we have fucking replicators now.

Plaid Cymru Kî ne?

KurdistanWales

BANGOR, WÊLZ – Îro em di cîhaneke pir xeternak de dijîn. Dema dewleta faşîst a Tirk êrîş dike li ser gelê Kurd û li ser îradeya siyasî ya hemû hêzên pêşverû yên Anatoliya û Mezopotamyayê, gelên Birîtaniya jî tê dikoşin li hemberî hêzên faşîst ên David Cameron, serokwezîrê Birîtaniyayê ku birazek niya.

Ji ber ku piştgirî bi Îrlendiyan re îşê Filistîniyan e, divê Worker’s Spatula piştgirî navbera gelên Kurd û Wêlzî bilind bike.

A rastî, ji aliyê Wêlzî piştgiriya bi gelê Kurd re normal bû. Hevalên me yên Kurd in ku hê nizanin Wêlzî kî ne. Di Wêlzê de gelek Qomunîst hene, bi taybetî ji Partiya Qomunîst a Birîtaniyayê, CPB. CPB mîna TKEP/L ye, lê selehên wan tune. Di rojnameya CPBê, “Morning Star” (bi Kurdî “Ferec”*), gelek meqaleyên li ser mezinahiya têkoşîna PYD li hemberî çeteyên DEÎŞ hatine nivîsîn.

Li gundên Wêlzî, komeke Maoîst a pir piçûk heye, bi navê Yr Aflonddwch Mawr. Bi Wêlzî wateya vî navî heye, lê em nizanin çi ye, çimkî me nikaribû Ferhengeke Kurdî-Wêlzî bibînin. Bi kurtî û Kurmancî, Yr Aflonddwch Mawr ji Îbrahîm Kaypakkaya hez dikin, loma ew jî ji bo gelê Kurd baş in.

Îsal li hilbijartinên Birîtanî, li gorî hilbijartinên paşerojê, bêhtir Wêlziyan Plaid Cymru hilbijart. Ev girîng e, çimkî Plaid Cymru PKK ya Wêlziyan e, û em hêvîdar in ku li pêşerojê Wêlz ji Birîtaniyayê derkeve. Dema kantonên Wêlzê hatine avakirin, hereketa Kurdî dikare selehan ji wan bikirin ji bo têkoşîna li hemberî dewletên kedxwar.

Karker û gelên bindest ên cîhanê, hevgirin!

*Navê rojnameya “Morning Star” ji bo koma metal a Kurdî bi heman navî hat hilbijartin, û rojnamevanên “Morning Star”, heman wekî rojnamevanên Worker’s Spatula, her guhdariya muzîka Ferec’ê dikin.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: The Peace & Truce of Future of the Left

PeaceTruce

Ever since frontman Andrew Falkous publicly joined the NCP, Marxist-Leninists across the UK have been curious how this new political commitment would affect the music and lyrics of Wales’s second most famous English language musical act (after the Goldie Lookin’ Chain, who, as is known, are mostly Maoists affiliated with Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr).

Musically “the Peace and Truce of Future of the Left” is a very strong album, like all of Future of the Left’s output. The tracks are short in duration and minimalist in character, as is only fitting given the band’s “punk” roots, but each track still manages to sound distinctive and textured. Subjectively, this album is better than “How To Stop Your Brain In An Accident”. Objectively, the conditions are not yet ripe for proletarian revolution in any part of Britain, owing in no small part to the imperialist extraction of superprofits.

Lyrically, there are surprisingly few references to class struggle in Britain OR the international situation. While “the Limits of Battleship” is clearly about illegal professional revolutionary work, his need to protect his party’s secrets clearly prevent this track from reaching its full potential.

Falco’s new life as a professional revolutionary has meant that much of Falco’s legendary writing skills have been rerouted to party work, and his lyric-writing is caught between his new need to practise democratic centralism and not contradict the party line and his artistic desire to comment on politics in a humorous and free associative fashion as exemplified on such classic Future of the Left tracks as “Failed Olympic Bid”, “the Lord Hates a Coward”, and “Stalin Is My Mate, We Go Out For Beers And That”.

Best songs: “the Limits of Battleships”, “Reference Point Zero”, “White Privilege Blues”.

Worst songs: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, “God Save the Queen”, you know, that anthem that tossers sing.

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Declares People’s War on CPBG-ML, Chaos Ensues

wrsp

CARDIFF – Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, a small Maoist group based in Wales, advocating Welsh national liberation and socialism, today began their long-promised “anti-colonial struggle” with a bombing of a CPBG-ML march in Cardiff, itself directed against South Korean aggression against the DPRK.

Three were killed and eleven injured.

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr released a statement within an hour of the bombing, claiming responsibility and confirming CPGB-ML as their intended target, chosen for their “Brezhnevite deformation of Maoist theory” and their “denial of the existence of a Welsh nation”.

Harpal Brar, chairman of the CPGB-ML, promptly responded by labelling Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr “South Korean agents”, “bourgeois Welsh nationalists”, and “worst of all, just generally Welsh.”

In response to the bombing, the Spartacist League of Britain staged a demonstration in support of the CPGB(ML), declaring them victims of “imperialist aggression against the deformed worker’s state in North Korea.”

Known cunt David Aaronovitch immediately responded by calling on Jeremy Corbyn to issue condemnations of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and the Spartacist League, alleging that Corbyn possessed “worrying” connections to both: The Spartacist League had sold newspapers outside a Palestinian Solidarity Campaign event where Corbyn was speaking, while Corbyn’s connection to Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr was alleged on the grounds that “if Corbyn supports the IRA, surely he supports Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr.”

“And they’re all anti-Semites”, added Aaronovitch.

Corbyn promptly responded by accusing both Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and CPGB-ML of “Maoist revisionism” and “collaboration with imperialism”, and ordering defence drills to be carried out in the Islington bunkers.

George Galloway, who was intercepted by one of our correspondents as he was returning from an important cigar-buying errand, praised Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr for “irritating the Zionist stooge Aaronovitch”, but reiterated that he, like CPGB-ML, considers the Welsh “annoying and stupid, no matter what they do.”