Subcomandante Stein Begins Guerrilla Campaign

Stein

THE JUNGLES OF PENNSYLVANIA – It has been a few weeks since “people’s rule” was established in rural Pennsylvania by the Jill Stein campaign, in an apparent tactical manoeuvre meant to unite the dissatisfaction drawn from the fallout of the Sanders campaign with the decades long struggle of the local “Amish” people against central state authority and capitalism.

“These people are fighting to preserve their very way life from the onslaught of neoliberalism, which is destroying our planet,” explained Subcomandante Stein. “These are people who are at one with nature. Can the morning dew carry a gun for the revolution? The whispers of the trees in Pennsylvania tell me it can.”

“The urban revolutionaries of the US can learn a lot from the Amish people, who work communally, who respect our Mother Earth, and who reject the capitalist commodification of women in all forms,” Stein explained.

The local community has been drawn in at all levels into the Greens’ radical democratic project. Local Amish and non-Amish alike have begun to reject Clintonite control of political representation and natural resources. Direct democratic initiatives have aided in earning the local people’s trust, but also in helping to reshape the Greens’ programme for the US at large, which now incorporates demands for land reforms and opposition to zippers.

Amish communities in other states have been inspired by the success of Jill Stein in Pennsylvania, and have been leading many of their “English” neighbours away from the Clinton campaign in light of Bernie Sanders’s defeat and statements of support for Clinton. In Indiana, there are reports of armed clashes between roving bands of Amish and neo-Nazis, in which both sides are reported to exchange German language battle cries and Bible quotes.

Subcomandante Stein has taken to frequent media appearances in Amish villages, where she gives statements of solidarity with ETA, and condemns Clinton as “a representative of the neo-liberal status quo which gave birth to Trumpite fascism” and “the face of English tyranny against the noble Amish people”. Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent asked for a concrete example of Stein’s claim that “the Amish people have taught [her] to look at the world in a new way.”

“Over time, I have come to understand how important their traditional faith is to them. Many of them believe the Holocaust was punishment by God against the Jews for rejecting Jesus. Instead of explaining fascism with left-wing terminology, I learned to explain it to them in terms of God punishing Europe for sinful political centrism. I argued for the use of Kalashnikovs against Trumpites in theological terms. They are God’s warriors against the sins of America, and Clinton is one of the worst sinners.”

The success of the Green campaign has led Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson to change his tactics as well: He is now to be found at Native American-owned casinos, arguing against “the white man’s government” and in favour of free market reforms which will allow Native Americans to become rich and buy back their land from the palefaces.

The Turkish Yeşiller ve Sol Gelecek Partisi has quickly capitalised on the Stein campaign to gain recruits. “Finally,” Eylem Tuncaelli, the woman co-spokesperson for the party was quoted as saying, “we have something going on so people in the HDK and HDP will pay serious attention to us. It’s not all about you, Figen!”

As of press time, the entire YSGP had been taken into custody for questioning on suspicion of having made propaganda for the terrorist state of Pennsylvania, which is being held up in the Turkish media as proof of a Gülen-Öcalan connection.

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