Princess Diana: Also a Worker

DianaintheMiana

We must socialise the Monarchy to raise their class consciousness.

It has been 20 years since Diana, Tywysoges Cymru, died whilst using publically funded transport. Shockingly, no organ of the British working class (aside from the Sunday Sport) took the time to honour her memory.

Her death in August of 1997 sent shockwaves around the world, arguably leading to the death of that other Tribune of the People, known Albanian Mother Theresa. In the months of public mourning after the tragic event, the bourgeois press attempted to cover up the proletarian nature of the life of the last British Stakhanovite. Worker’s Spatula have elected to rectify this by publishing Her True Story.

Born into obscurity in a small village in East Anglia, Diana (maiden name Spencer, from the old French term for Butler of Steward) experienced significant hardship during her upbringing. Coming from a broken home, and never performing well at school, one would expect her to become a member of the landless rural Lumpenproletariat like the rest of her family. However, she rose to public prominence after marriage to minor British dignitary Charles Windsor and embarking on a career in Landmine Removal. Following the example of her idol, Che Guevara, she travelled to Angola to join the struggle of the MPLA against the regional domination of the apartheid South African regime, where she met Che’s comrade Fidel Castro, and fell pregnant with two young children who unfortunately grew up to be Maoists.

Such was her dedication to raising the revolutionary consciousness of the international working class, that she founded and worked for over 100 revolutionary organisations (which the bourgeois mainstream media offensively obscure by referring to them as ‘charities’).

Following her divorce, she spent time party building in London, New York, and Lahore, before moving to Paris in the wake of the election of socialist Lionel Jospin to the position of Prime Minister. Though her time in Paris before her untimely death was short, her impact was far reaching, as can be seen in the introduction of the 35-hour workweek, and the CMU (couverture maladie universelle), both solid gains for the French working class, who still mourn the loss of their last great leader every year.

Indeed, her tragic death following a life and death car chase with state agents in Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris whilst she was on her way to a union meeting (where she was branch chair), was met with shock and outrage by workers of the world. Following the public outcry, British Prime Minister Tony Blair colluded with the British Establishment to de-politicise Diana’s death, appealing to national-chauvinist sentiment to stem the rapidly growing insurrection, enlisting the support of noted class collaborator Elton John to memorialise Diana as ‘England’s Rose’ (an affront to the Welsh peasants who she spent decades organising against English domination!).

Since her death, scab princess, Camilla Parker-Bowles, has tried to fill the shoes of the People’s Princess, but has only managed to write one cash-in book on bone vitamins, the most reactionary of all vitamins. More recently, she has tried to bolster her faltering cult of personality with the dubiously titled Big Bone Walk, where she lead 90 suffering children on a 10 mile walk in an attempt to emulate the PLA’s ‘Long March’.

In stark contrast, despite the sneers of former confidante and revisionist Paul Burrell, the legacy of the Queen of Hearts lives on in the struggles of the 32 million British workers who watched her televised funeral.

Diana lived, Diana lives, Diana will live forever, no matter how the bourgeois press try to make us forget her, and her untimely death.

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Labour Party Harassing Theresa May at Home Now

AbbottMcDonnell

LONDON – Following a frustratingly long process of undoing the damage of decades of New Labour, by which the Party of Labour abandoned not only its fierce, Albanian-inspired, anti-revisionist line in favour of abandonment even of the pet causes of the English labour aristocracy, the left wing of the Labour Party have taken to harassing Tory Prime Minister Theresa May at her home in Sonning.

“We know you’re in there Theresa!” shouted Diane Abbott towards a curtained window. “Your austerity is bad and you should feel bad!”

“I stand by all those things I said in the House of Commons!” agreed Jeremy Corbyn, to cheers from local students.

Street harassment of the Prime Minister is at an all-time high as Momentum’s momentum is at an all-time low. Twitter harassment of Tory accounts has remained more or less stable, witnessing only a slight spike after it was revealed that Tory youth group “Activate” have been WhatsApp chatting about whether Churchill was too hard on the Nazis when the Soviet threat loomed much greater.

“We never should’ve taken power,” moaned a visibly drunk Alexis Tsipras. “Labour can’t get a thing done either, but because they don’t get control of government, you forgive them for very similar failings to ours. Admit it, you’re still going to tell people to vote for them, aren’t you?”

Our local Athens correspondent confirmed that, yeah, probably, English people should still vote Labour, come the elections or whatever, what else are you going to do, launch urban guerrilla warfare?

“John McDonnell already tried that, anyway.”

John McDonnell and Diane Abbott were arrested last night, when their latest harassment of the Prime Minister went too far. Abbott drove herself and McDonnell to Sonning, where they blasted Ken Loach’s 2016 socialist realist film “I, Daniel Blake” over the car’s stereo system with the bass turned all the way up.

“Do you hear that, Prime Minister? This is the part where Katie eats directly out of the tin of beans at the food bank! It’s very sad and reflects the struggle of the poor under your austerity regime!” shouted Diane Abbott, shortly before the police drove up to take her and the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer into custody.

As of this morning, TKP chair (and generally nice guy among revisionists), Erkan Baş, had touched down in London to protest this suppression of the Party of Labour by the British state.

At time of press, Erkan Baş’s face–complete with that glorious, solidarity-worthy moustache–was being slammed into the pavement by the police.

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Fucking Idiot Doesn’t Understand Relationship Between Surplus Value and Profit

Shaikh

NEW YORK – Anwar Shaikh found himself confronted by a rival Marxist economist at a conference earlier this week over his approach to the transformation problem. Despite Shaikh’s obviously superior understanding of economics at large and Marxism in particular, he found it quite difficult to convince his idiotic shithead rival that the transformation problem was little more than a simple accounting issue that anyone whose brain isn’t entirely filled with shit should immediately be able to grasp:

“Are you actually fucking stupid?” enquired Shaikh of the upstart bastard who dared question his theoretical approach, “How can you not understand the transfer of value between the circuits of capital and revenue? Profit is mainly derived from surplus value, but not exclusively! Go read the first pages of ‘Theories of Surplus Value’, and learn what profit upon alienation is.

“You dumb fuck,” concluded the Economics professor from the New School for Social Research in New York City.

“If you consider the money value of the net product with regard to total labour time, and the value of labour power as the net labour time represented by the money wage, the surplus value can be calculated through the actual profit, which is to say…” began Shaikh’s rival, before being cut off by a punch to the face.

“You fucking simpleton! You stupid fucking idiot! Do you not even care about the total product, or just the net product? Do you not even realise that profit itself is a product of surplus value, not the other way around? Do you know a fucking thing?”

Shaikh’s brutal response to the “revisionist clowns” around him “who probably haven’t even read the third volume of Capital” is expected to finally legitimise the labour theory of value in the eyes of mainstream economists, and unify Marxist economics around a single theory of exploitation.

The obvious practical applications to having unified our academic understanding of the transformation problem are simply too numerous to list here.

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Marxist Condemns Anarchists for Not Purchasing Books He Hasn’t Read

CheGoethe

CHICAGO – Self-described “tankie” and Malört connoisseur Alex Schmidt exploded in a debate with his mostly anarchist friend circle today over the perceived theoretical shortcomings of the latter.

“Would you shut the fuck up about ‘dictators’? You don’t understand the way imperialism works! Read the State and Revolution!” screamed Schmidt, referencing a modest volume which sits untouched on his bookshelf since he first purchased it, six months ago.

“They’ve got no theory, they’ve got no theory,” lamented the angry youth whose bookshelf is positively brimming with interesting theoretical discussions spanning the 20th century whose covers he has yet to crack.

Following the heated discussion, Schmidt called up his girlfriend to complain about his problems articulating the ideology he doesn’t understand to his friends. Unbeknownst to Schmidt, his girlfriend, Jasmine, has her own problems, which she chooses not to burden Schmidt with.

“There’s a lot of trouble at home,” explained Jasmine to our local correspondent. “I really want to move out, my friend Ella even has a spare room I can afford, but I can’t leave my mom alone with my dad. She needs me.”

Schmidt, for his part, remains blissfully unaware of his girlfriend’s problems, being mostly consumed with his own continual struggle with every ideology which is not his interpretation of Marxism-Leninism cobbled together from Facebook memes: “It’s really hard being the only one with a clear view of what’s wrong with society,” he explained. “Sometimes Jasmine doesn’t even seem to understand me. She’s always hanging out with that feminist friend of hers, Ella, which is making us grow further apart.”

Asked if feminism was yet another ideology which failed to meet his rigorous theoretical standards, Schmidt informed us that he’s “not like a Men’s Rights Activist or whatever, but feminism really fails to account for class. It’s not a deep enough analysis of society for someone like me, you know,” concluded the isolated theoretical genius, as he shuffled to his favourite bar, which he has declared “really fuckin’ lumpen” for no apparent reason.

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Do you want some reading group recommendations for your own theoretical development? Might we recommend the texts of the Spatula Reading Group? Updated twice a month!

Anarchist Disappointed Sun Tzu’s “Art of War” Not as Metal as Expected

“It’s just some dumb book full of stupid words.”

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MELBOURNE – The Melbourne chapter of the Spatula Reading Group has recently gained a new member in local anarchist Kirk Jones from the Melbourne suburb or Northcote. Catching up on the reading has been tricky for the initially enthusiastic newcomer, who was suprised by the disproportionate emphasis on Chinese classics.

“Mengzi? The Tao Te Ching? Are these even words?” asked the incredulous anarchist to the reading group leader, who stared back blankly at him before returning to alphabetising the German idealism.

However, the brave anarchist has been soldiering on, attempting to discern the point of the pile of texts about contradictions and development which are the bread and butter of our satire page. Patience, however, has been wearing thin.

“The Art of War was one I was really looking forward to. I was hoping that would be the break from all this boring bullshit about ethics and spirit and whatever. It’s supposed to be a Chinese bloke going on about war, but it’s probably the most boring one of all!

“Fuck!” he added.

“First of all, it’s clearly written by some sort of cop, I mean, ‘you can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended’? Where’s the fun in that?

“Secondly, with a name like ‘Art of War’, you’d think it’d be really fucking metal. But it’s not actually, it’s just some dumb book full of stupid words. When I heard all the Vietnamese guerrillas read it during the war, I figured it was some sort of Maoist verison of ‘the Anarchist Cookbook’, but it turns out to be some Taoist version of ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.

“A complete waste of time,” he concluded.

At time of press, Jones was critiquing the ‘art’ component of the title, given that the Chinese classic failed to include even one ‘gruesome picture of some guy getting his head chopped off’.

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News in Brief: August 14th 2017

2ShadesofGrey

INDIANAPOLIS, USA – Local Punjabi immigrant and small business owner Gurpreet Singh installed a triple locking steel door in the place of his old wooden door on his house today. He stressed however that this did not constitute taking a side between fascists and anti-fascists: “Of course this door might protect me from a racist who wants to break into my house and kill me, but it could just as easily protect me from anarchists who want to break into my house and make me listen to hardcore punk music.”

JAPAN, LET’S JUST GO WITH JAPAN – Marxist Memes are to release a book of erotica aimed at their audience of real materialists, and not post-modern trans rights liberals, like yourself. Some brief selections follow:

She unbuttoned his shirt, and noted his proportionate muscle mass.

‘You’re quite a fine specimen of a man,’ she said. ‘You’re so much physically stronger than me, I think about it whenever I deal with sexism in any social context.’

‘I oppose sexism,’ he moaned, proving his Marxist feminism as he unbuttoned his pants.

[…]

He gazed on her vagina. He flicked it with his forefinger, looking up at her, and said, ‘This is a real vagina, not made by surgery. Materialism.’

She orgasmed instantly.

Has-Beens Very Unimpressed with the Struggle

AndrewA

PARIS – The City of Lights, the Big Apple, the Paris of the East: the French capital goes by many names, and is famous as the home of the commune, and the Whopper. But for the past two days, Paris has also hosted the fourth annual International Radical Has-Been Conference.

The move to Paris follows three consecutive years in Wellington, New Zealand, which had been chosen for its extreme safety for our retired radical friends. The pivot to Paris followed a decision at the end of the third conference to relocate to a city whose best years were far behind it.

Hippies, punks, and various breeds of Marxists whose claim to fame and legitimacy is some token act or personal relationship from at least a decade prior which proves they are real radicals; all of these came together to reiterate their pretext for avoiding all contemporary political struggle and organisation.

“I was Lukács’s goddamn student!” explained Andrew Arato, during his keynote speech at the extremely white and overwhelmingly male gathering. “I was, okay? Who could possibly know more about communism, or be more serious about it than me? I have tonnes of other old academic friends you can ask if you doubt me!”

“But mostly, I knew fuckin’ Lukács! You fuckin’ idiots!” he concluded, to raucous applause from the room full of tattooed men who prefer the company of a rotating harem of impressionable younger women who are easily impressed by boastful stories of personal heroism to knowing, in a sexual or (heaven forfend) non-sexual capacity, a single woman who might endanger their ego by engaging in a serious discussion about theory and practice.

A series of panels with very similar titles were held on the second day in the morning: “Heroes of the Arab Spring”, “Heroes of Gezi”, “Heroes of Occupy Wall Street”, and of course, “Heroes of the 2010 Student Protests”. None of the panels contained any single statement that could distinguish any of those present by theoretical commitment, though our correspondent was able to ascertain that self-identified anarchists, Marxist-Leninists, “MLMs”, narodniks, and left communists were all represented in the ranks of the panelists.

“So then a fucking cop comes around the corner, right? And my buddy, Mike, he’s scared as shit, I can see it in his eyes, but I just charge him and kick him. He clubbed us both pretty bad, but at one point I even knocked him down. That was fuckin’ awesome,” explained one speaker on the Occupy Wall Street panel to the thinly populated room.

“You fuckin’ liar! You were the one who was scared! I was the one who knocked down that cop!” interjected the speaker’s friend Mike, leaping self-righteously from his chair and storming from the conference hall in to go purchase some halal fast food from a Tunisian “who probably has to serve racist French people all day, I’m probably the only white person who’s ever said ‘ahlan’ to him.”

The conference wrapped up with a talk on “Prospects for Revolution Today: Why Bother?” by an Israeli leftist who was jailed for his refusal to serve in the Zionist occupation army in like, the ’90s or something.

“As the crisis deepens, we see waves of resistance across the world, from Rojava to South Africa. If you’re anything like me, the first thing this makes you ask yourself is: ‘Wasn’t I really brave when I stood my ground against state repression, years ago? Why can’t people today do something as cool as that one thing I did?’

“The reason is simple. They’re all dumb kids. There’s no point talking to a single one of them, because they haven’t seen what I’ve seen, man. They just take part in stupid projects that aren’t as cool as I was.

“Yeah sure, some of them go so far as to actually face death on the front lines against fascists. But they’re line-jumpers. I’ve yet to hear one martyr pay their respects to heroes like me who paved the way for their posturing. And they’re naïve, they don’t know what I know, and what I can’t teach anyone, because everyone’s so unworthy of my brilliant insights.

“God, it’s so annoying to hear all the apolitical assholes who I’m inexplicably surrounded by talk about the MLKP and TKP/ML like what they’re doing is so impressive. What I did was impressive too, okay? And yet Israel still exists, so what’s the fucking point of anything?

“I’m done, I tell you. I got myself a nice NGO job, I’m building myself a little Ottoman-style harem, and I’m going to live out my days telling anyone who will listen how important my one contribution to struggle is, at any given opportunity. Anything else would just mean tainting my purity by talking to other people, particularly young people.

“Cynics of the world, divide and go home: you have nothing to gain, and a lot of time to waste.”

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Venezuela: Myth vs. Reality

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CARACAS – For some time now, the eyes of the world have been fixed on Venezuela, following news of unrest and an election which the bourgeois media, particularly in imperialist countries, depict as illegitimate.

However, Worker’s Spatula is pleased to announce that we have sent a special correspondent from Buenos Aires to the tropical island nation of Venezuela to see what all the brouhaha is about.

Additionally, hubbub.

While countries as diverse as the United States and the United States’ closest allies continue to repeat rumours of a crackdown, our correspondent could find no evidence of any recent violence of any sort in any of the neighbourhoods of Caracas which he visited. Locals attributed the rumours of unrest to the US-based “International” “Socialist” “Organization”.

“Definitely, the ISO have made up all the stories about clashes between protestors and police. They do it to make themselves look like they have something to say. Like they’re important. Actually there’s nothing happening at all around here,” explained bored Caracan José Marquí González. “I may go see what’s on television.”

Questions about the PSUV and Maduro produced blank stares from most Caracans, until our correspondent was enlightened by local university student Maria Martínez Flores: “The PSUV and Maduro are just stories made up by the PSL so they can feel like they’re in solidarity with something big and important in some better country than their own.

“It’s honestly a bit sad. Impressive that they got most of the world to believe it though.”

The news of the non-existence of the PSUV which Worker’s Spatula readers have been supporting for years stunned our correspondent, who closed out his report with the following editorial statement, the contents of which do not necessarily reflect those of Worker’s Spatula:

We’ve spent quite a few years defending the supposed gains of the Bolivarian Revolution, only to find out that it was all just stories made up by tiny Marxist groups to sell their awful papers. This is even worse than when we found out that there was no refugee crisis from Syria, no war in Syria, and no country called Syria to begin with, because the SWP had made them all up.

What’s next? Are we going to find out that the NPA invented Western Sahara, and the EMEP invented Tunisia?

We may just have to stop basing our entire politics on holding the right positions on international affairs without having any concrete reflection in our own countries’ practical politics.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Confederate

Confederate

Knowing Worker’s Spatula’s popularity among the rebel youth and our passion for the subject, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, the duo better known as HBO, have invited several Worker’s Spatula writers to a special screening of the pilot episode of their new documentary series, Confederate.

Confederate tells the story of how the US, as a major imperialist state, has somehow managed to preserve slavery as a major pillar of its domestic economy well into the 21st century. The series’s pilot episode begins with a narrator explaining the history of the Republican Party, which began as a bourgeois revolutionary institution bent on overturning slavery. However, the party’s reliance on the imperialist bourgeoisie engaged in settler-colonial conquest of North America meant that the Afro-American masses and the radical left of the party were betrayed to the very southern slave-owning aristocracy the party set out to overturn in the first place.

The narrator is then revealed to be an Afro-American political prisoner in a forced labour camp, explaining this history to his fellow prisoners as he finishes his sub-par meal in a crowded cafeteria.

The pilot unflinchingly portrays the trials and tribulations of modern-day slaves in the United States today, through vignettes of their everyday lives, including painfully rare and short breaks for family, violent confrontations with labour camp guards, and struggles with mental health issues. If the pilot is anything to go by, this series will be extremely uncomfortable, but necessary, viewing for US audiences.

Creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss hinted at big plans for on-screen depictions of relevant historical and social issues in the future during the question and answer session with the Worker’s Spatula team, including an alternate history drama in which Hitler had been born in the Americas and committed genocide against indigenous peoples of the continent, and a drama about a dystopian future in which fascists and socialists are frequently depicted as part of one common ideology known as “totalitarianism”.

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News in Brief: July 15th 2017

CitizenMaxIsHauntingUs

THE INTERNET – Some years after Tumblr stopped being even a vague cultural influence on left-wing politics and well into the division of its former users into those who are engaged in quite broad front practical politics and those who have retreated from politics entirely, Marxist-Leninists on the internet remain convinced of the importance of fighting “SJWs” who are supposedly to be seen at every protest telling white male workers to “check their privilege”.

“Identity politics is dividing the working class,” explained a white man in an imperialist country to his internet audience of other white men in imperialist countries. “How does anyone expect to win over the working class when they talk about gay people and racism all the time?” referring to the all-white, all-male class which he has been extremely successful in winning over, unlike those horrific SJWs.

ST. PETERSBURG – Russian communists are trying to piece together what exactly the US government is accused of doing with the Russian state.

“So… the ‘resistance’ in the US refers to those people who feel the US state is not fighting hard enough for global hegemony?” asked local Враг Капитала reader Vladimir Semyonovich.

“I’m for revolutionary defeatism without exception,” protested Russian Maoist Party member Anna Mikhailovna, “so I don’t want Russian capital interests defended in Washington DC. But is there no one in the US who feel that the interests of capital in Washington DC should not be judged based on their Russianness?”

NEW YORK – ROL infiltration of the DSA is reportedly well underway, with the DSA already embracing national liberation for Afro-Americans and sending off martyrs to die in ICOR-approved armed struggle. Boston-based analysts expect the DSA to be a complete ROL front by 2019, right around the time the Democratic Party officially embraces the Three Worlds Theory as its lone “concession” to “the left”.

ANKARA – Worker’s Spatula correspondents are nervously considering whether or not to publish a story about Erdoğan condemning the French for celebrating Bastille Day, as he might do.

“Like, the joke is about how the Marxist tradition appropriates the French Revolution, and how Erdoğan is an arch-reactionary, and that,” explained [REDACTED 1] to her comrade during a Worker’s Spatula meeting.

“Right, but, even making a joke these days in Turkey makes you wonder,” replied [REDACTED 2]. “Erdoğan could easily say that the storming of the Bastille inspired the July 15th Coup Attempt, and…”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah…”